Im Really Good at the Internet
December/01/2007 01:54 PM Filed in: Random
I think I am becoming an internet champion. What is an internet champion? Funny you should ask. I actually just made it up 30 seconds ago. An internet champion is always winning--at the internet. Simply put, I am most likely better at it than you.
I am just plain winning at the internet. My MySpace is championship calibre. My Facebook is real hot right now. My blog is rated number 1. Solid yes, but there are four more internet related things that I can't help but be dominant at:
Wyld Stallions:
The "Wyld Stallions" are the members of my fantasy football team. After a 2-3 start, the stallions have run off 7 straight and have already clinched a playoff birth. What makes the Stallions so Wyld? I manage them. Drew Brees, Brian Westbrook, Braylon Edwards, Wes Welker, and Hines Ward all contribute to my complete domination of my fantasy football league.
Bayside Tigers:
The "Bayside Tigers" are the members of my fantasy basketball team. Basically, I don't even need to check my standings because I play in a league full of pro basketball idiots. I had the first pick in the draft, so I obviously took K.G. because I am smart and I want to win. But there are 16 people in our league, so I didn't get to pick again until picks 32 and 33, then picks 64 and 65 and so on. I was able to get KG, Carlos Boozer, Tony Parker, Richard Jefferson, and Chris Kaman, among others. After the draft I decided that the league wasn't even worth playing because my team was already too good. One guy even threatened to change his team name to the Valley Bulldogs to be my rival. I dont think he knows that Valley never beats Bayside. I smell another internet championship.
When I was doing the draft, I noticed that every single player had a preseason ranking. I think there were about 900 ranked players to chose from. KG was #1, LeBron was #2. Rod Benson was on the list at number 594. 594 was ahead of Kevin Lyde's 630-something, Dontell Jefferson's 680-something, and Carlos Powell's 712. Mo Baker got me by 6 spots I think. I didn't care what my ranking was, I drafted myself in the 13th round. The way I see it, when I get called up, I'll provide my own fantasy stats.
Kevin and Dontell can't believe they are rated lower than me.
Pwiggle Boomhauer:
This may be my proudest, and lamest, internet achievement to date. Pwiggle Boomhauer is my name. Actually, you could call Pwiggle Boomhauer my second name. If you're in the know, then you already know what that means, if not, then I'll break it down for you.
I was watching "The Office" a few weeks back and I saw that Dwight joined a website called SecondLife.com. Dwight's job in SecondLife was Assistant to the Regional Manager, same as in real life, he even wore the same short sleeve dress shirt and dumb tie in his SecondLife. Later in the episode, Jim Halpert had also created a Second Jim to track Dwight's movements in Second World.
After the episode finished, I went to SecondLife.com to see what all the fuss wad about. It's basically a 3D world that is all user created. You go on there and make a 3D person and then use this person to live in a fully interactive and user created 3D online world. There is even a currency called "Linden" and it has an actual exchange rate to real USD no joke. I think its like 500 Lindens = 1USD I am not kidding you at all. If you set up a shop on SecondLife you can make REAL UNITED STATES DOLLARS by getting so many Linden's. That's SecondLife.
So I was in Berkeley just days before coming out to North Dakota and I decided that if Jim Halpert had a SecondLife, Rod Benson should have one too. Sitting in the living room of the basketball team house, I created my new online identity: Pwiggle Boomhauer. The last names have to come from a list, but the first name is all you. Pwiggle Boomhauer was born and ready to rock. The thing was, the guys on the Cal team all got into it and created SecondLives too. Oscallante Weatherwax and Beamont Marksman were a couple of the SecondNames people came up with. Even my old trainer at Cal got into the act. His name? Swarley Wingtips.
All set up and ready to rock, I entered SecondWorld without any expectations. What I have discovered so far is that it is extremely hard to get Linden's. It really pisses me off that I currently have 0L (zero Linden's). Basically I can't buy anything. I can walk around and talk to people. I can voice chat with them. I can even dance, but I can't buy a coddamn thing.
Somehow one of my old Cal teammates (Beaumont Marksman) managed to make 50L. He is a SecondLife master as far as I'm concerned. Women on SecondLife walk up to him and ask him to make out and he agrees. They engage in virtual 3D online make out sessions that look just awkward. Seriously, imagine Andy Milonakis in a make out scene, then make it twice as awkward, but also overly passionate because 3D Virtual People don't have different scales of kiss. I digress.
I am not doing well at SecondLife because Lindens control everything. I can't even upgrade my clothes. It took me a week to figure out how to take off this feminine looking half zip cardigan I was wearing. Now I have a super tight green shirt and "Nightclub Jeans". Definitely not a good look:
See my shirt? See my pants? I'm over here in Dance Island trying to get people to talk to me and it's just not going down. I may be one of the only people in the whole SecondLife who have better luck in a real life club than in one online. I need Lindens. I need them badly. I cant even get a good black man haircut without them! I will basically commit to a SecondLife of crime soon if I cant find a legal way to get Lindens. I will continue to update you on the progress of Pwiggle Boomhauer, the underachieving, feminine looking, too-tight shirt wearing, Dance Island loser. Im actually not even close to championship calibre in SecondLife because I have no Linden's, but I want you to know I'm coming.
toomuch pwiggle:
O.K. So, after months of me saying one thing and then doing another, I finally, seriously am on XBOX Live again. My name is toomuch pwiggle. All lower case baby. Come find me if you want a loss on your record. I consider myself the best Madden player in pro sports. Prove me wrong.
Lastly, while I have your attention, go ahead and email/comment with good boomisms and I will add them in for the boom tho button. Hollar.
I am just plain winning at the internet. My MySpace is championship calibre. My Facebook is real hot right now. My blog is rated number 1. Solid yes, but there are four more internet related things that I can't help but be dominant at:
Wyld Stallions:
The "Wyld Stallions" are the members of my fantasy football team. After a 2-3 start, the stallions have run off 7 straight and have already clinched a playoff birth. What makes the Stallions so Wyld? I manage them. Drew Brees, Brian Westbrook, Braylon Edwards, Wes Welker, and Hines Ward all contribute to my complete domination of my fantasy football league.
Bayside Tigers:
The "Bayside Tigers" are the members of my fantasy basketball team. Basically, I don't even need to check my standings because I play in a league full of pro basketball idiots. I had the first pick in the draft, so I obviously took K.G. because I am smart and I want to win. But there are 16 people in our league, so I didn't get to pick again until picks 32 and 33, then picks 64 and 65 and so on. I was able to get KG, Carlos Boozer, Tony Parker, Richard Jefferson, and Chris Kaman, among others. After the draft I decided that the league wasn't even worth playing because my team was already too good. One guy even threatened to change his team name to the Valley Bulldogs to be my rival. I dont think he knows that Valley never beats Bayside. I smell another internet championship.
When I was doing the draft, I noticed that every single player had a preseason ranking. I think there were about 900 ranked players to chose from. KG was #1, LeBron was #2. Rod Benson was on the list at number 594. 594 was ahead of Kevin Lyde's 630-something, Dontell Jefferson's 680-something, and Carlos Powell's 712. Mo Baker got me by 6 spots I think. I didn't care what my ranking was, I drafted myself in the 13th round. The way I see it, when I get called up, I'll provide my own fantasy stats.
Kevin and Dontell can't believe they are rated lower than me.
Pwiggle Boomhauer:
This may be my proudest, and lamest, internet achievement to date. Pwiggle Boomhauer is my name. Actually, you could call Pwiggle Boomhauer my second name. If you're in the know, then you already know what that means, if not, then I'll break it down for you.
I was watching "The Office" a few weeks back and I saw that Dwight joined a website called SecondLife.com. Dwight's job in SecondLife was Assistant to the Regional Manager, same as in real life, he even wore the same short sleeve dress shirt and dumb tie in his SecondLife. Later in the episode, Jim Halpert had also created a Second Jim to track Dwight's movements in Second World.
After the episode finished, I went to SecondLife.com to see what all the fuss wad about. It's basically a 3D world that is all user created. You go on there and make a 3D person and then use this person to live in a fully interactive and user created 3D online world. There is even a currency called "Linden" and it has an actual exchange rate to real USD no joke. I think its like 500 Lindens = 1USD I am not kidding you at all. If you set up a shop on SecondLife you can make REAL UNITED STATES DOLLARS by getting so many Linden's. That's SecondLife.
So I was in Berkeley just days before coming out to North Dakota and I decided that if Jim Halpert had a SecondLife, Rod Benson should have one too. Sitting in the living room of the basketball team house, I created my new online identity: Pwiggle Boomhauer. The last names have to come from a list, but the first name is all you. Pwiggle Boomhauer was born and ready to rock. The thing was, the guys on the Cal team all got into it and created SecondLives too. Oscallante Weatherwax and Beamont Marksman were a couple of the SecondNames people came up with. Even my old trainer at Cal got into the act. His name? Swarley Wingtips.
All set up and ready to rock, I entered SecondWorld without any expectations. What I have discovered so far is that it is extremely hard to get Linden's. It really pisses me off that I currently have 0L (zero Linden's). Basically I can't buy anything. I can walk around and talk to people. I can voice chat with them. I can even dance, but I can't buy a coddamn thing.
Somehow one of my old Cal teammates (Beaumont Marksman) managed to make 50L. He is a SecondLife master as far as I'm concerned. Women on SecondLife walk up to him and ask him to make out and he agrees. They engage in virtual 3D online make out sessions that look just awkward. Seriously, imagine Andy Milonakis in a make out scene, then make it twice as awkward, but also overly passionate because 3D Virtual People don't have different scales of kiss. I digress.
I am not doing well at SecondLife because Lindens control everything. I can't even upgrade my clothes. It took me a week to figure out how to take off this feminine looking half zip cardigan I was wearing. Now I have a super tight green shirt and "Nightclub Jeans". Definitely not a good look:
See my shirt? See my pants? I'm over here in Dance Island trying to get people to talk to me and it's just not going down. I may be one of the only people in the whole SecondLife who have better luck in a real life club than in one online. I need Lindens. I need them badly. I cant even get a good black man haircut without them! I will basically commit to a SecondLife of crime soon if I cant find a legal way to get Lindens. I will continue to update you on the progress of Pwiggle Boomhauer, the underachieving, feminine looking, too-tight shirt wearing, Dance Island loser. Im actually not even close to championship calibre in SecondLife because I have no Linden's, but I want you to know I'm coming.
toomuch pwiggle:
O.K. So, after months of me saying one thing and then doing another, I finally, seriously am on XBOX Live again. My name is toomuch pwiggle. All lower case baby. Come find me if you want a loss on your record. I consider myself the best Madden player in pro sports. Prove me wrong.
Lastly, while I have your attention, go ahead and email/comment with good boomisms and I will add them in for the boom tho button. Hollar.
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