MySpace Messages
Funny MySpace Messages 9!
January/24/2008 02:44 PM
You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won't waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let's do it...
I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...
Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u
When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.
Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good
This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:
It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?
Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.
"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."
Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States
Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?
Moving on..
Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...
I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:
....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"
I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:
Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.
Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.
Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:
and then you could send me this:
Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":
"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:
Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.
I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.
Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....
I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.
From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM
U SEXY AS HELL
Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.
Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.
Then there were Zac and Robb...
From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM
sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla
From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM
Beautiful eyez yo!
Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?
It still only got worse for Clay:
From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM
hi sexy
"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:
"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."
Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:
For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:
Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me
There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.
Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:
Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy
Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy
Nope, still nothing...
Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?
Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?
This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.
I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):
"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"
Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:
Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:
from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water.
from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over
from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet
Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.
Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...
Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?
Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you.
OF COURSE!
I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...
Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u
When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.
Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good
This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:
It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?
Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.
"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."
Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States
Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?
Moving on..
Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...
I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:
....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"
I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:
Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.
Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.
Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:
and then you could send me this:
Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":
"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:
Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.
I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.
Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....
I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.
From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM
U SEXY AS HELL
Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.
Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.
Then there were Zac and Robb...
From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM
sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla
From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM
Beautiful eyez yo!
Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?
It still only got worse for Clay:
From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM
hi sexy
"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:
"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."
Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:
For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:
Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me
There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.
Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:
Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy
Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy
Nope, still nothing...
Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?
Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?
This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.
I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):
"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"
Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:
Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:
from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water. from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.
Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...
Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?
Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you. OF COURSE!
|
Funny MySpace Messages 8!
October/30/2007 01:39 PM
Although I personally feel that there have been funnier messages in some of the past editions, I don't think any have compared to the ridiculousness (except for the greatest story ever told) found in numero ocho. This edition may anger you as much as it will fill you with joy and laughter. As always, you will be the judge of such things.
I'll kick off 8th edition of Funny MySpace Messages with a couple people who just won't let it go. These are people who I DO NOT reply to and still they continue to blow me up with messages. Like this guy:
He must have taken his other picture off his page. It showed how skinny he is. I honestly think he is required by law to ride in a booster seat because he weighs under 40lbs. Im not exaggerating one bit. Regardless, he sent me another long winded message months after the first two messages he sent to me went unanswered...
Subject: Only in Hollywood...
Body: Hey there,
How's it going? It's been a while... thought I'd send you a note. I had a bizarre experience recently that I thought you might find interesting as a fellow tall guy.
A producer I had met a while back when I composed a few tracks for her short film called me the other day. She had a mutual friend who was doing casting for a commercial, and was looking for guys who are 6'6" on up (the taller the better), and skinny. So, my friend naturally thought of me... and referred me to the casting director. I spoke with her, and she said she absolutely wanted me to show up for an audition and an on-screen test.
I'm NOT an actor at all... but I thought, what the hell? It might be fun. And it was being worked in a way that one didn't necessarily have to be a member of SAG to be in the commercial.
I was a little nervous because I'm literally 6' 5 1/4"... but I figured I was close enough, and geez... how many 6'6" and taller skinny guys were they going to find? And at 125 lbs., they don't get much smaller-built than I am.
Well... I show up... and the waiting room was filled with 34 guys, and I WAS the shortest one there! Only in Hollywood, right? Wild!
I was also the skinniest... there were only two other men who weighed less than 200 lbs. But not much less... the next lightest after me was a 6'9" guy who was 190 lbs. And maybe, yeah, he was skinny for his height and frame size. But, geez... 65 lbs. is BIG size difference even if he is nearly 4" taller. So he looked like the Incredible Hulk in comparison to me when they made us stand next to each other doing camera and photo tests.
And that turned out to be the biggest problem for me... I was eventually told that I was TOO small-built in comparison to the other guys. They needed to cast 4 men who were fairly close in height and size, and all the other guys were a lot bigger than I am. And I was too short, too... the men they finally cast were 6'10" - 7'1" and in the 220- 240 lbs. range. If you ask me, they didn't look skinny at all... more just like lanky but muscular basketball player types. But I guess "skinny" is a relative term, and I just kind of threw everyone's preconceived notions out the window!
But, whatever... it was an interesting experience, and that's all I was really expecting of it.
OH... the tallest guy there was 7'4"! But he was 330 lbs., and although he insisted he was skinny for his frame-size... the guy was huge next to everyone else. Again, all a matter of relative perspective, I guess.
You should have seen THAT camera test... with him at 7'4" and 330 lbs. standing next to me at a little over 6'5" and 125 lbs. He looked like he could swallow me whole for a snack. LOL
We compared shoe sizes, too... mine at size 8 narrow, and his at size 22 EEEE! I told him I didn't envy his having to find shoes that fit. He told me he didn't envy the fact that size small t-shirts fit me like a tent.
Touche.
~David
This may be your first time ever reading one of my MySpace messages. You may find this to be ridiculous. It is. The problem here is that I DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY. I think he wants me to pretend that we are long time friends or something.
Let's pretend that I was his friend. My response would probably go something like "Wow! Mann you're right! Only in Hollywood! How in the world could you have been the shortest one!? It must be something in the water out here man. Still, so awesome for you. I am totally hyped to hear that. Size 22 shoes? I would never have imagined!"
Now, let's go through how I really feel. Dog, eat some food. There is no logical excuse for you to be 36 years old and 125 lbs at 6'5". I know there's something you like to eat. Porterhouse is a good start. Have a twinkie or two with your breakfast. Do something. It's cool that you're doing your hollywood thing, but try to understand that although I am usually slow to return my messages (it can take weeks), if you still havent gotten a reply to these long winded ramblings in 8 months, it's not gonna happen. Lastly, I am 6 10, 227 myself. Nothing about that story shocked me.
If I still had access to the other pics of his, you would see just how skinny he really is. He's like Sally Struther's only white somalian ever.
Well when it comes to repeat messages nobody does it like Sweet Ann. Since I first got a msg from her nearly a year ago, she has not stopped. Seriously, read any of my last 4 myspace posts and you will find her in every one.
"Hey u wat's up! Just wanted to stop by your page to show u some love.. So how is everything be side work. I haven't seen u on line lately. Guess what I'm not on Guam I'm on vaction here in California at my cousin place Rosmond. Where do u stay at in California hopefully we can met up with each other, I really want met u in person. So hopefully I'll be in San Diego for wedding on Aug 11, send me a comment back ok.. Well got to go now take care and be safe.
"Hey u wat's up, just wanted to holla back at u. It's been such a long time since the last time I chatted with u. So how have u been and work and all.. Hope everything is good with u any way u know what to do holla back at your gurl!!
Antoinette
"Hey u long time no see, wat's up! With u these days hope everything is going good with u, dam still looking good to me. Well just take care and be safe now u here...
Sweetann
There is no logical explanation for this. Maybe she has tricked herself into thinking that we had something long ago when we didn't. I did message her one time, to tell her that I was part of the ship crew that caught the largest squid ever off the coast of Fiji. Cmon now! Get the joke already. At this point I can't even feel bad anymore. At some point you have to watch some Oprah. She has internet scam people on there all the time. Women, just like you, who fell for fake guys on the internet and gave up credit card info among other things. Lucky for you I just write about it and I'm not out buying XBOX 360 games on your Master Card!
We are off to a very good start right now. Let's keep it going, shall we?
This next girl is also a repeat message girl. I don't remember her past messages, but I guess I could have easily overlooked them.
No Subject
Body: whats up again, and thanx for the add....I guess my message was lame since u aint hit me back up, maybe I need to recheck my game......lol
Like I said, I usually read everything. Sometimes I do forget to reply to a message, so I decided to check her out and make sure I didn't make a mistake...
Status: In a Relationship
Orientation: Straight
Hometown: Reykjavik, Iceland
Body type: 5' 4"
Religion: Christian - other
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Smoke / Drink: No / Yes
Children: Proud parent
Education: Grad / professional school
OK. Let's break this down. Let's look at the reasons why I didn't reply to her. Foot on the bed picture? No thanks. Arm that looks stronger than mine? Can't do it. In a relationship? No can do. She has a kid and she's from a town in Iceland that has like 32 consonants in it.
It wasn't your game, I'm afraid. It was simply the fact that I don't want to fly out to Iceland (which is really green according to D2: The Mighty Ducks are Back), bring Mr. Frommer with me to find whatever the hell your town is called, bring my baseball bat to fight your boyfriend who I assume is bigger than you, making him bigger than me, drop off a box of Capri Sun's for your kid to keep him busy and still find you unattractive because you have a pouty looking face with your foot on the bed. Sorry.
At least she made an effort to write something. I got too tired of the html comments that people were leaving for me. This one was the final straw:
When I saw this, I did not think about how sweet my lips may or not be. I immediately thought it was just weird. Why? Why send this? Why post this on my page?
This is her, smiling, finding other comments such as "Hey Hot Pants" and "Hello Pretty Toes". Seriously, I don't need that in my life.. I can't deal with all that right now.
I also couldn't deal with a woman by the display name of "Mrs. Gorgeous". She snuck one more animated html thing on my comments before I had a chance to turn them off.
Coddamit, stop it with these things. I dont know why they keep coming. Especially from girls like this:
When I saw her pic, I thought to myself that I wouldn't exactly call her Mrs. GORGEOUS. That's when I saw this on her page:
Right back at ya! Am I being mean? I would have thought so until I saw her other pic:
Yep. That's what I deal with all the time on MySpace. Everyday I do.
Even with all of that, there are messages that get worse.
Like these, all from a MAN.
wuss good Renaissance man
Body: finnally get to thank you for the add wut u up too this late? and im stealing your page layout LOL
Subject: SD
Body: u in san diego with that smile hit me up lets party
Subject: basketball
Body: u coming to sd to get down or what i know u wanna cum wit me/
I didnt put up a photo of this guy because he lives in San Diego and he might actually be straight and he might just come find me and beat my ass. Can't take any chances. Maybe I can just flaunt my smile and he will calm down!
Besides, why put up a pic of him when I can put up photo's of Clayton's admirers instead. Like Robert:
recognizin your page..
thanxs for the add....hope to hear from ya soon..
robert
illinois
waitin on ur response...
ok, i said thanxs for the add. havent heard from ya in 3 or 4 attempts.. why add me; if you didnt want a friend... i am meeting brothas and sistas from all over the U.S. if this isnt you. then delete me....
robert
illinois
ok it goin to be like that!!!!
thats cool,
robert
illinois
its ur call...
robert
illinois
Looks like this calm needs to calm down. It's like he can't go on with approval from Clayton who has 11,000 other friends. I don't care if youre straight or gay or whatever, that kind of persistence is downright unnecessary. Seriously man, start a second life or something. That way you can create yourself, you can create Clay, heck, you can even create me. Then you can have hours of fun replying to messages that normally would go unanswered.
Still not as bad as guy #2. Even with editing, it is gross and you may want to skip ahead:
Are you Gay or Bi?
How can a guy like me be on your team?
How big is your d--k?
Do you like big d--ks?
How old are you?
Do you like Black guys?
Do you have any kids?
Do you have you own house?
Do you have a cell phone?
What type cell phone do you have and who is it by!
Do you want kids?
Do you s--k d--k?
Do you e-t a-s?
Do you s--k d--k well?
Do you like Whitney Houston?
Do you have a car?
Do you have a job?
Do you family know about you?
Do you go to church?
Do you love having sex?
Do you like sexy ass Thugs?
What makes you happy?
What makes you mad?
Where is your boy friend at?
Where do you see your self in five years?
Where do you live at?
Who is Jesus?
Sexy are you a top?
Sexy are you a bottom?
Can I see some of your pics?
Can a guy get your number?
Can your boy get your name?
YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT!
I do have a question for this dude: What the hell is wrong with you? Does this work? Have you ever been in an institution mental or otherwise? Does your dad know what youre up to? Do you have any shame? Are you related to Dennis Rodman? WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE NO STRAIGHT OPTION AT THE TOP OF THIS LIST???
Talk about things that are hard to deal with. A message like that is never well received. It doesn't matter if it's from a man or woman, like "Thick and Sexy" here:
She sent me this.. I changed all the F words to "Do":
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
Body:
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
There is @ least 1 person on ur myspace list that wants 2 do the hell out of u. So lets play the do or pass game! The rules r simple...if u want 2 do the person who posts this send them a message saying yep, Id do you!!!!!!!!!!!! Scared? This s--ts funny cuz there is @ least 1 person on ur list who wants 2 do u.
and this
Subject:
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Body:
waz up sexxi just showin some luv to all my friends online starting wit the cutest ones and guess what your #1
"IN LOVE AND LOVIN IT"
FEMALE
17 YEARS OLD
PHILLY, PENNSYLVANIA
UNITED STATE
Please please please please tell me that I was not sent that first message because she wants to do me that bad. Please please please please tell me that I am not her cutest friend in the world which would have to include the boyfriend she's in love with who has no problems dating big girls. Please tell me that she is not 17. It is a sad, strange world when the only people who want to do you are men and overweight, underage, foul mouths who are in love with someone else.
The next girl has a display name called "Lady Skeet". Really? Lady Skeet? C'mon now girl. You gotta know what skeet means...don't you?
hey i know idk u and u dont know much about me but imma star featuring ppl on my profile. something like person of the week would u be ok if u get picked that i took one of ur pictures to put it up on my profile?
After I wasted 2 minutes of my day trying to read this message, I decided not to reply. Even if I say no she would take it as an invitation to talk unless I said it in a very rude tone. Not good. Then, I got this:
"oh i thought it was somebody else.lol
ur adams apple attracted my eyes.
...and ur smile did too.=]
You can't be serious right now. My ADAMS APPLE attracted your eyes? That is ricodamdiculous. Why would would you send me this? Who else could it be? Mr Adams McApple? Is that what you thought? I came to the conclusion that she didnt quite know what she was saying. Why? Because this was on her profile:
Status:
In a Relationship
Here for:
Networking, Friends
Orientation:
Straight
Hometown:
yemem.lol
Body type:
5' 8" / More to love!
Ethnicity:
Latino / Hispanic
Religion:
Catholic
Zodiac Sign:
Aquarius
Children:
Someday
Education:
In college
Occupation:
kickin ass
"yea we all know everyone is unique but
im above and beyond.
im intelligent. i study the dictionary.
i have extremely high standars. its not what u think. im not high maintenance, boo-G or flashy.
im not gonna say that im poor, cuz im not. i can get it but it not important or necessary.
Dont ever make fun of or have a look of disgust at the mentally ill or others that dont look like u. they're still humans.
i dont settle for mediocre. dont know what that means??go find out.
yes i have a filthy mouth [vulgar language]. but their not the only words i know."
She cant be serious about studying the coddamn dictionary. People who study the dictionary don't immediately follow "I study the dictionary" with "I dont have high standars." I guess she assumes I don't know what mediocrity is. I can tell her. It's called her myspace page. In fact, it's probably sub-par. Yea, sub-par. It's in the dictionary right before "they're", a contraction meaning they are. Seriously, I should have expected this from a girl who spends her time kickin ass and using [vulgar language]. Maybe the fact that she never changes her face could have been a tell all:
Her mom told her what would happen. She said "Skeet, if you keep making that face, it's gonna stay like that!" Skeet didn't listen, now look at her.
The never changing of the face thing was real big with "SweetHeart" too. She seemed innocent enough by her message:
hey handsome, how u doin
I mean, I had no intention of replying anyways, but I still gave her page a look:
Notice anything here? Oh yea, how about she is the female Zoolander. All she's got is blue steel huh? She should work on that. I mean, I only gave you a 4 pic sample, there are 30 pictures that are all exactly like these. Yes, I know exactly what she looks like hair down, smirking, from the left. Not enough to get a reply. I wouldn't anyways, but let's pretend I was somebody who would.
Anyways, its still not that bad, but I wonder how she had the audacity to send me a msg considering I found this in her profile:
"I could be VERY paranoid. I would like to think im a little funny.. I'm really mean and stuck up to those who deserve it. i cant stand black girls, you will probably think I'm racist, but I'm just honest, brutally honest. I have no patience for bitches whatsoever!"
Why in the world would I hit you back when u say some crazy stuff like that? You have two things to learn: how to take a different picture and how to develop some social tolerance.
She was not the worst by far. I left the photo of this next person off because I believe someone hacked their profile. Regardless, the message was very real. I WONT edit what was said so if you think words will bother you, then skip ahead or something.
The display name of this person was "I HATE NIGGERS WHITE POWER!" and the message was this:
wtf kinda music is this. i hang ppl for having this kinda music on there myspace. plus yra fucking nigger. white power u piece of shit
I tried to reply, but they disabled all messages from people who they arent friends with. You can't always find something witty to say to these things anyways. Who knows what I would have said had I had the opportunity?
I was coming back home one night from a Halloween party and when I got back to my homie's apt., another friend of ours was arguing with a Taxi driver. He didn't have his wallet so we gave it to him and he paid the driver who left. My friend who was arguing kept telling me about reverse discrimination and racism that he felt he got from the cab driver. He didn't realize that he was just being a drunken idiot. I finally sat him down in front of the computer and showed him this message. He shut up right then. As a white guy, I don't think he knew what real racism is. Well boom there you go.
Before I conclude, I would like a little help from all of you. See, there is this guy. His name is Michael Terrell Williams...I think. He has a MySpace profile that literally contains only pictures of me. Somebody forwarded his profile to me to show me the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I personally find it funny. Why? Because his page was actually better than mine. He enjoys cooking and fishing, reading, and rock climbing. The fake Rod Benson sounded more interesting that the REAL Rod Benson. I actually spent hours re-doing my page. I read a CSS code tutorial and built MY MYSPACE PAGE from scratch just to compete. Anyways, It would be even funnier to me if everyone who has a myspace and doesn't mind sending a random message, to send a message this guy telling him to stop perpetrating the real Rod Benson aka Too Much! It would be glorious if he signed in and there were like 100 msgs in his box all saying the same thing. Make it happen.
http://www.myspace.com/michaelterrellwilliams
Blow him up in the name of realness.
I'll kick off 8th edition of Funny MySpace Messages with a couple people who just won't let it go. These are people who I DO NOT reply to and still they continue to blow me up with messages. Like this guy:
He must have taken his other picture off his page. It showed how skinny he is. I honestly think he is required by law to ride in a booster seat because he weighs under 40lbs. Im not exaggerating one bit. Regardless, he sent me another long winded message months after the first two messages he sent to me went unanswered...
Subject: Only in Hollywood...
Body: Hey there,
How's it going? It's been a while... thought I'd send you a note. I had a bizarre experience recently that I thought you might find interesting as a fellow tall guy.
A producer I had met a while back when I composed a few tracks for her short film called me the other day. She had a mutual friend who was doing casting for a commercial, and was looking for guys who are 6'6" on up (the taller the better), and skinny. So, my friend naturally thought of me... and referred me to the casting director. I spoke with her, and she said she absolutely wanted me to show up for an audition and an on-screen test.
I'm NOT an actor at all... but I thought, what the hell? It might be fun. And it was being worked in a way that one didn't necessarily have to be a member of SAG to be in the commercial.
I was a little nervous because I'm literally 6' 5 1/4"... but I figured I was close enough, and geez... how many 6'6" and taller skinny guys were they going to find? And at 125 lbs., they don't get much smaller-built than I am.
Well... I show up... and the waiting room was filled with 34 guys, and I WAS the shortest one there! Only in Hollywood, right? Wild!
I was also the skinniest... there were only two other men who weighed less than 200 lbs. But not much less... the next lightest after me was a 6'9" guy who was 190 lbs. And maybe, yeah, he was skinny for his height and frame size. But, geez... 65 lbs. is BIG size difference even if he is nearly 4" taller. So he looked like the Incredible Hulk in comparison to me when they made us stand next to each other doing camera and photo tests.
And that turned out to be the biggest problem for me... I was eventually told that I was TOO small-built in comparison to the other guys. They needed to cast 4 men who were fairly close in height and size, and all the other guys were a lot bigger than I am. And I was too short, too... the men they finally cast were 6'10" - 7'1" and in the 220- 240 lbs. range. If you ask me, they didn't look skinny at all... more just like lanky but muscular basketball player types. But I guess "skinny" is a relative term, and I just kind of threw everyone's preconceived notions out the window!
But, whatever... it was an interesting experience, and that's all I was really expecting of it.
OH... the tallest guy there was 7'4"! But he was 330 lbs., and although he insisted he was skinny for his frame-size... the guy was huge next to everyone else. Again, all a matter of relative perspective, I guess.
You should have seen THAT camera test... with him at 7'4" and 330 lbs. standing next to me at a little over 6'5" and 125 lbs. He looked like he could swallow me whole for a snack. LOL
We compared shoe sizes, too... mine at size 8 narrow, and his at size 22 EEEE! I told him I didn't envy his having to find shoes that fit. He told me he didn't envy the fact that size small t-shirts fit me like a tent.
Touche.
~David
This may be your first time ever reading one of my MySpace messages. You may find this to be ridiculous. It is. The problem here is that I DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY. I think he wants me to pretend that we are long time friends or something.
Let's pretend that I was his friend. My response would probably go something like "Wow! Mann you're right! Only in Hollywood! How in the world could you have been the shortest one!? It must be something in the water out here man. Still, so awesome for you. I am totally hyped to hear that. Size 22 shoes? I would never have imagined!"
Now, let's go through how I really feel. Dog, eat some food. There is no logical excuse for you to be 36 years old and 125 lbs at 6'5". I know there's something you like to eat. Porterhouse is a good start. Have a twinkie or two with your breakfast. Do something. It's cool that you're doing your hollywood thing, but try to understand that although I am usually slow to return my messages (it can take weeks), if you still havent gotten a reply to these long winded ramblings in 8 months, it's not gonna happen. Lastly, I am 6 10, 227 myself. Nothing about that story shocked me.
If I still had access to the other pics of his, you would see just how skinny he really is. He's like Sally Struther's only white somalian ever.
Well when it comes to repeat messages nobody does it like Sweet Ann. Since I first got a msg from her nearly a year ago, she has not stopped. Seriously, read any of my last 4 myspace posts and you will find her in every one.
"Hey u wat's up! Just wanted to stop by your page to show u some love.. So how is everything be side work. I haven't seen u on line lately. Guess what I'm not on Guam I'm on vaction here in California at my cousin place Rosmond. Where do u stay at in California hopefully we can met up with each other, I really want met u in person. So hopefully I'll be in San Diego for wedding on Aug 11, send me a comment back ok.. Well got to go now take care and be safe.
"Hey u wat's up, just wanted to holla back at u. It's been such a long time since the last time I chatted with u. So how have u been and work and all.. Hope everything is good with u any way u know what to do holla back at your gurl!!
Antoinette
"Hey u long time no see, wat's up! With u these days hope everything is going good with u, dam still looking good to me. Well just take care and be safe now u here...
Sweetann
There is no logical explanation for this. Maybe she has tricked herself into thinking that we had something long ago when we didn't. I did message her one time, to tell her that I was part of the ship crew that caught the largest squid ever off the coast of Fiji. Cmon now! Get the joke already. At this point I can't even feel bad anymore. At some point you have to watch some Oprah. She has internet scam people on there all the time. Women, just like you, who fell for fake guys on the internet and gave up credit card info among other things. Lucky for you I just write about it and I'm not out buying XBOX 360 games on your Master Card!
We are off to a very good start right now. Let's keep it going, shall we?
This next girl is also a repeat message girl. I don't remember her past messages, but I guess I could have easily overlooked them.
No Subject
Body: whats up again, and thanx for the add....I guess my message was lame since u aint hit me back up, maybe I need to recheck my game......lol
Like I said, I usually read everything. Sometimes I do forget to reply to a message, so I decided to check her out and make sure I didn't make a mistake...
Status: In a Relationship
Orientation: Straight
Hometown: Reykjavik, Iceland
Body type: 5' 4"
Religion: Christian - other
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Smoke / Drink: No / Yes
Children: Proud parent
Education: Grad / professional school
OK. Let's break this down. Let's look at the reasons why I didn't reply to her. Foot on the bed picture? No thanks. Arm that looks stronger than mine? Can't do it. In a relationship? No can do. She has a kid and she's from a town in Iceland that has like 32 consonants in it.
It wasn't your game, I'm afraid. It was simply the fact that I don't want to fly out to Iceland (which is really green according to D2: The Mighty Ducks are Back), bring Mr. Frommer with me to find whatever the hell your town is called, bring my baseball bat to fight your boyfriend who I assume is bigger than you, making him bigger than me, drop off a box of Capri Sun's for your kid to keep him busy and still find you unattractive because you have a pouty looking face with your foot on the bed. Sorry.
At least she made an effort to write something. I got too tired of the html comments that people were leaving for me. This one was the final straw:
When I saw this, I did not think about how sweet my lips may or not be. I immediately thought it was just weird. Why? Why send this? Why post this on my page?
This is her, smiling, finding other comments such as "Hey Hot Pants" and "Hello Pretty Toes". Seriously, I don't need that in my life.. I can't deal with all that right now.
I also couldn't deal with a woman by the display name of "Mrs. Gorgeous". She snuck one more animated html thing on my comments before I had a chance to turn them off.
Coddamit, stop it with these things. I dont know why they keep coming. Especially from girls like this:
When I saw her pic, I thought to myself that I wouldn't exactly call her Mrs. GORGEOUS. That's when I saw this on her page:
Right back at ya! Am I being mean? I would have thought so until I saw her other pic:
Yep. That's what I deal with all the time on MySpace. Everyday I do.
Even with all of that, there are messages that get worse.
Like these, all from a MAN.
wuss good Renaissance man
Body: finnally get to thank you for the add wut u up too this late? and im stealing your page layout LOL
Subject: SD
Body: u in san diego with that smile hit me up lets party
Subject: basketball
Body: u coming to sd to get down or what i know u wanna cum wit me/
I didnt put up a photo of this guy because he lives in San Diego and he might actually be straight and he might just come find me and beat my ass. Can't take any chances. Maybe I can just flaunt my smile and he will calm down!
Besides, why put up a pic of him when I can put up photo's of Clayton's admirers instead. Like Robert:
recognizin your page..
thanxs for the add....hope to hear from ya soon..
robert
illinois
waitin on ur response...
ok, i said thanxs for the add. havent heard from ya in 3 or 4 attempts.. why add me; if you didnt want a friend... i am meeting brothas and sistas from all over the U.S. if this isnt you. then delete me....
robert
illinois
ok it goin to be like that!!!!
thats cool,
robert
illinois
its ur call...
robert
illinois
Looks like this calm needs to calm down. It's like he can't go on with approval from Clayton who has 11,000 other friends. I don't care if youre straight or gay or whatever, that kind of persistence is downright unnecessary. Seriously man, start a second life or something. That way you can create yourself, you can create Clay, heck, you can even create me. Then you can have hours of fun replying to messages that normally would go unanswered.
Still not as bad as guy #2. Even with editing, it is gross and you may want to skip ahead:
Are you Gay or Bi?
How can a guy like me be on your team?
How big is your d--k?
Do you like big d--ks?
How old are you?
Do you like Black guys?
Do you have any kids?
Do you have you own house?
Do you have a cell phone?
What type cell phone do you have and who is it by!
Do you want kids?
Do you s--k d--k?
Do you e-t a-s?
Do you s--k d--k well?
Do you like Whitney Houston?
Do you have a car?
Do you have a job?
Do you family know about you?
Do you go to church?
Do you love having sex?
Do you like sexy ass Thugs?
What makes you happy?
What makes you mad?
Where is your boy friend at?
Where do you see your self in five years?
Where do you live at?
Who is Jesus?
Sexy are you a top?
Sexy are you a bottom?
Can I see some of your pics?
Can a guy get your number?
Can your boy get your name?
YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT!
I do have a question for this dude: What the hell is wrong with you? Does this work? Have you ever been in an institution mental or otherwise? Does your dad know what youre up to? Do you have any shame? Are you related to Dennis Rodman? WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE NO STRAIGHT OPTION AT THE TOP OF THIS LIST???
Talk about things that are hard to deal with. A message like that is never well received. It doesn't matter if it's from a man or woman, like "Thick and Sexy" here:
She sent me this.. I changed all the F words to "Do":
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
Body:
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
There is @ least 1 person on ur myspace list that wants 2 do the hell out of u. So lets play the do or pass game! The rules r simple...if u want 2 do the person who posts this send them a message saying yep, Id do you!!!!!!!!!!!! Scared? This s--ts funny cuz there is @ least 1 person on ur list who wants 2 do u.
and this
Subject:
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Body:
waz up sexxi just showin some luv to all my friends online starting wit the cutest ones and guess what your #1
"IN LOVE AND LOVIN IT"
FEMALE
17 YEARS OLD
PHILLY, PENNSYLVANIA
UNITED STATE
Please please please please tell me that I was not sent that first message because she wants to do me that bad. Please please please please tell me that I am not her cutest friend in the world which would have to include the boyfriend she's in love with who has no problems dating big girls. Please tell me that she is not 17. It is a sad, strange world when the only people who want to do you are men and overweight, underage, foul mouths who are in love with someone else.
The next girl has a display name called "Lady Skeet". Really? Lady Skeet? C'mon now girl. You gotta know what skeet means...don't you?
hey i know idk u and u dont know much about me but imma star featuring ppl on my profile. something like person of the week would u be ok if u get picked that i took one of ur pictures to put it up on my profile?
After I wasted 2 minutes of my day trying to read this message, I decided not to reply. Even if I say no she would take it as an invitation to talk unless I said it in a very rude tone. Not good. Then, I got this:
"oh i thought it was somebody else.lol
ur adams apple attracted my eyes.
...and ur smile did too.=]
You can't be serious right now. My ADAMS APPLE attracted your eyes? That is ricodamdiculous. Why would would you send me this? Who else could it be? Mr Adams McApple? Is that what you thought? I came to the conclusion that she didnt quite know what she was saying. Why? Because this was on her profile:
Status:
In a Relationship
Here for:
Networking, Friends
Orientation:
Straight
Hometown:
yemem.lol
Body type:
5' 8" / More to love!
Ethnicity:
Latino / Hispanic
Religion:
Catholic
Zodiac Sign:
Aquarius
Children:
Someday
Education:
In college
Occupation:
kickin ass
"yea we all know everyone is unique but
im above and beyond.
im intelligent. i study the dictionary.
i have extremely high standars. its not what u think. im not high maintenance, boo-G or flashy.
im not gonna say that im poor, cuz im not. i can get it but it not important or necessary.
Dont ever make fun of or have a look of disgust at the mentally ill or others that dont look like u. they're still humans.
i dont settle for mediocre. dont know what that means??go find out.
yes i have a filthy mouth [vulgar language]. but their not the only words i know."
She cant be serious about studying the coddamn dictionary. People who study the dictionary don't immediately follow "I study the dictionary" with "I dont have high standars." I guess she assumes I don't know what mediocrity is. I can tell her. It's called her myspace page. In fact, it's probably sub-par. Yea, sub-par. It's in the dictionary right before "they're", a contraction meaning they are. Seriously, I should have expected this from a girl who spends her time kickin ass and using [vulgar language]. Maybe the fact that she never changes her face could have been a tell all:
Her mom told her what would happen. She said "Skeet, if you keep making that face, it's gonna stay like that!" Skeet didn't listen, now look at her.
The never changing of the face thing was real big with "SweetHeart" too. She seemed innocent enough by her message:
hey handsome, how u doin
I mean, I had no intention of replying anyways, but I still gave her page a look:
Notice anything here? Oh yea, how about she is the female Zoolander. All she's got is blue steel huh? She should work on that. I mean, I only gave you a 4 pic sample, there are 30 pictures that are all exactly like these. Yes, I know exactly what she looks like hair down, smirking, from the left. Not enough to get a reply. I wouldn't anyways, but let's pretend I was somebody who would.
Anyways, its still not that bad, but I wonder how she had the audacity to send me a msg considering I found this in her profile:
"I could be VERY paranoid. I would like to think im a little funny.. I'm really mean and stuck up to those who deserve it. i cant stand black girls, you will probably think I'm racist, but I'm just honest, brutally honest. I have no patience for bitches whatsoever!"
Why in the world would I hit you back when u say some crazy stuff like that? You have two things to learn: how to take a different picture and how to develop some social tolerance.
She was not the worst by far. I left the photo of this next person off because I believe someone hacked their profile. Regardless, the message was very real. I WONT edit what was said so if you think words will bother you, then skip ahead or something.
The display name of this person was "I HATE NIGGERS WHITE POWER!" and the message was this:
wtf kinda music is this. i hang ppl for having this kinda music on there myspace. plus yra fucking nigger. white power u piece of shit
I tried to reply, but they disabled all messages from people who they arent friends with. You can't always find something witty to say to these things anyways. Who knows what I would have said had I had the opportunity?
I was coming back home one night from a Halloween party and when I got back to my homie's apt., another friend of ours was arguing with a Taxi driver. He didn't have his wallet so we gave it to him and he paid the driver who left. My friend who was arguing kept telling me about reverse discrimination and racism that he felt he got from the cab driver. He didn't realize that he was just being a drunken idiot. I finally sat him down in front of the computer and showed him this message. He shut up right then. As a white guy, I don't think he knew what real racism is. Well boom there you go.
Before I conclude, I would like a little help from all of you. See, there is this guy. His name is Michael Terrell Williams...I think. He has a MySpace profile that literally contains only pictures of me. Somebody forwarded his profile to me to show me the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I personally find it funny. Why? Because his page was actually better than mine. He enjoys cooking and fishing, reading, and rock climbing. The fake Rod Benson sounded more interesting that the REAL Rod Benson. I actually spent hours re-doing my page. I read a CSS code tutorial and built MY MYSPACE PAGE from scratch just to compete. Anyways, It would be even funnier to me if everyone who has a myspace and doesn't mind sending a random message, to send a message this guy telling him to stop perpetrating the real Rod Benson aka Too Much! It would be glorious if he signed in and there were like 100 msgs in his box all saying the same thing. Make it happen.
http://www.myspace.com/michaelterrellwilliams
Blow him up in the name of realness.
What B-Melt Has to Say (Myspace Story Part 2)
October/10/2007 12:56 PM
Go back down and read "The Greatest Myspace story ever told,” if you havent yet. When your done, my boy B-melt has some more to add. It is in his voice, so I'll let him say what he has to say...
Rod, you were pretty dead on about your story. but i do have a couple extra stories for your viewers enjoyment. SO EVERYONE, please continue to read... Everything happens in life for a reason, but when things happen like this, and when they happen to you, the only thing you can say is... "i know stuff like this can happen, but not to me!" it was weird, the more we talked, the more we had in common, the more we had in common, the more we clicked, the more we clicked, the more other people knew i was talkin to her. the more people that knew i was talkin to her, the more she hyped up the coolest white boy ever, i mean... SHE EVEN PUT A PIC OF ME ON HER MYSPACE PAGE! (now i dont think it can get any more honorable than that, LMAO) anyways... i havent lost total contact with her, she really is a good person, with a good heart... but its crazy to think not only did she have me fooled, but she had 75% of all professional athletes fooled, (i was the only white exception she ever made, so you gotta admit, that adds a little more spice to the story, lol) The 1st story might be the most ironic of all stories. in 2000,When i was a freshman at Illinois, i actually talked to her online many times, and we conversed back and forth about people and life in general. i remember sending her a picture of me and yao ming together...anyways... more than 5 years later, we ironically became friends on myspace, (which at the time, i had no idea i even knew her) and she immediately sent me that pic of me and yao ming, which freaked me the hell out, i mean... how in the world did she get that? i mean, that picture was taken over 6 years ago! and i forgot i even had that picture! anyways, that convinced me that OF COURSE, I DID KNOW HER, and by the looks of her pics... I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER SOME MORE!!! In fact, that leads me to story #2...the more i got to know her, the more she name dropped, and i started to realize we had many mutual friends, she actually got me into clubs in SD with out even being within 3,000 miles from me. i was waiting in line at "aubergine" downtown, and there were some Chargers having a party in there, some i knew, some i didnt, but the ones i knew, SHE KNEW! so, she hit them up on their TMAIL, saying, "hey, my boy is waitin in line outside the club, can you get him in?" the next thing i knew, i had some of the Chargers coming out to get me, bmelt, into the club! how crazy is that? im just a white boy from the country with connects from all over the globe. LOL... now its time for story #3,which is by far,last but not least... what im about to say is going to be said for a total sense of humor that you happened to leave out of your story, so please "Tiffany", dont get mad, its only as funny as you made it, At a certain "white party" in the summer of 06' i ran into this Kelly guy... he asked me... "hey, are you really dating 'Tiffany'?" and at that time, i was the only one in america who knew "the truth", i just didnt want to blow her cover, so i responded "yeah, sure AM!!!" he said, "DAMN YOURE LUCKY, i've seen her pictures, DAMN SHE'S GOT A PHAT ASS!!!" my only response i could think of was "you got that right!" anyways, i thought that would add some humor to your story. i could go on and on about stories that i encountered on my 6 month journey with this "Tiffany" character. but its just not worth it. she's a good girl, who made a mistake, all people make mistakes, but atleast she got the chance to live the life that many people can only dream of...being a "MYSPACE JUMP-OFF"!!! good luck to you RB, it was great sharing stories with you this summer at Glen Park! the infamous, bMelt. Once you become famous, you can never become UN-famous, you can only become IN-famous!!! remember that... "Matthew 19:26; with god, all things are possible"
Rod, you were pretty dead on about your story. but i do have a couple extra stories for your viewers enjoyment. SO EVERYONE, please continue to read... Everything happens in life for a reason, but when things happen like this, and when they happen to you, the only thing you can say is... "i know stuff like this can happen, but not to me!" it was weird, the more we talked, the more we had in common, the more we had in common, the more we clicked, the more we clicked, the more other people knew i was talkin to her. the more people that knew i was talkin to her, the more she hyped up the coolest white boy ever, i mean... SHE EVEN PUT A PIC OF ME ON HER MYSPACE PAGE! (now i dont think it can get any more honorable than that, LMAO) anyways... i havent lost total contact with her, she really is a good person, with a good heart... but its crazy to think not only did she have me fooled, but she had 75% of all professional athletes fooled, (i was the only white exception she ever made, so you gotta admit, that adds a little more spice to the story, lol) The 1st story might be the most ironic of all stories. in 2000,When i was a freshman at Illinois, i actually talked to her online many times, and we conversed back and forth about people and life in general. i remember sending her a picture of me and yao ming together...anyways... more than 5 years later, we ironically became friends on myspace, (which at the time, i had no idea i even knew her) and she immediately sent me that pic of me and yao ming, which freaked me the hell out, i mean... how in the world did she get that? i mean, that picture was taken over 6 years ago! and i forgot i even had that picture! anyways, that convinced me that OF COURSE, I DID KNOW HER, and by the looks of her pics... I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER SOME MORE!!! In fact, that leads me to story #2...the more i got to know her, the more she name dropped, and i started to realize we had many mutual friends, she actually got me into clubs in SD with out even being within 3,000 miles from me. i was waiting in line at "aubergine" downtown, and there were some Chargers having a party in there, some i knew, some i didnt, but the ones i knew, SHE KNEW! so, she hit them up on their TMAIL, saying, "hey, my boy is waitin in line outside the club, can you get him in?" the next thing i knew, i had some of the Chargers coming out to get me, bmelt, into the club! how crazy is that? im just a white boy from the country with connects from all over the globe. LOL... now its time for story #3,which is by far,last but not least... what im about to say is going to be said for a total sense of humor that you happened to leave out of your story, so please "Tiffany", dont get mad, its only as funny as you made it, At a certain "white party" in the summer of 06' i ran into this Kelly guy... he asked me... "hey, are you really dating 'Tiffany'?" and at that time, i was the only one in america who knew "the truth", i just didnt want to blow her cover, so i responded "yeah, sure AM!!!" he said, "DAMN YOURE LUCKY, i've seen her pictures, DAMN SHE'S GOT A PHAT ASS!!!" my only response i could think of was "you got that right!" anyways, i thought that would add some humor to your story. i could go on and on about stories that i encountered on my 6 month journey with this "Tiffany" character. but its just not worth it. she's a good girl, who made a mistake, all people make mistakes, but atleast she got the chance to live the life that many people can only dream of...being a "MYSPACE JUMP-OFF"!!! good luck to you RB, it was great sharing stories with you this summer at Glen Park! the infamous, bMelt. Once you become famous, you can never become UN-famous, you can only become IN-famous!!! remember that... "Matthew 19:26; with god, all things are possible"
THE GREATEST MYSPACE STORY EVER TOLD
September/06/2007 12:48 PM
Normally, you come to tmrb and you see the word MySpace and get a little bit giddy. You think that the new installment of messages could have you laughing so hard that you pee your pants. Maybe your pants are still wet from the last time. Well, this time is different. This is one of those few stories that really isn't just comedy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll curse the day you ever signed up for myspace. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I've actually had the materials to write this story for a year. I write it today for a couple of reasons. First, and more importantly, I lost a lot of the info when my computer crashed in July, so I have to write it out while it's still fresh in my mind. Secondly, it is the one year anniversary of the day I first heard the greatest myspace story ever told...
Where do I begin? How about spring 2005? In the spring of 2005, I was just coming off my big year at CAL. I'll admit it, I felt pretty big time for like 3 weeks until I got hurt. In the meantime, I was riding my wave of emotion and hype that would lead into my senior year. My hype spilled over into my myspace page for a long time. All my pictures were of me dunking or shooting or blocking somebody's shot ferociously (Matt Haryasz haha). My page basically screamed "big time" to anyone who saw it... or so I thought.
Anyways, in about mid march 2005, I got a myspace message. I opened it. It said "Hey sexy. What's up?" If you've read anything myspace related on tmrb, you know that I get these kinds of messages all the time from these disgusting women. This day was different. When I looked at the profile of the woman before me, I saw this:
face blurted out on purpose, but who cares?
Are you thinking what I was thinking? Of course. Reply! Reply! Reply! Well, not so fast Rod Benson. I looked over her profile. She had about 600 friends and maybe 400 of them were athletes that I recognized. It was basically a who's who of pro and college athletes on myspace. I kind of felt like she was a big time groupie, but then I also thought that this was justification that I was now big time. I mean coddamn she had NFL and NBA guys on there and she wanted Rod Benson too. Recruiting for the next level I guess.
Well, I decided to back off of the initial game plan to seriously put the moves on this girl. The way I saw it, she was far too big time and making moves with guys much more big time than me. Her name was "Tiffany Burris" (I changed the name like I said). We became friends, actually, and I would always joke with her and say "Man I need to be in the NBA so girls who look like you will really want me." She would always laugh and agree.
Over the next year we would talk every now and then, mostly on Instant Messenger, but occasionally over the phone. It was during this time that I really got to know her. In the beginning, she told me that she was talking to one of my boys who was in the NBA. I informed her that I know him very well, so we would always talk about him and her and what they were doing. I even talked to him about her. He seemed to actually be a little annoyed that I knew her, like I was moving in on his territory. I told him that it didn't matter because I lived on the other side of country. Tiffany and I talked about my boy at first and then moved on to others.
There was a song that I listened to all the time called "MySpace Jump Off" which was basically about a guy who met a girl on myspace. Tiffany told me that she knew the guy who made the song and that she was the inspiration.
She told me about another NBA guy she was talking to who I didn't really know well, but definitely knew of. She informed me that he was going to fly her out for the week and that she would be nearby where I was so we should hang out. I remember thinking that this dude must really like this girl to fly her out and let her stay for the week, especially since she just got through dating my boy who is also in the NBA. I talked to her about the new guy. She told me all kinds of things about him. She told me that he was damn near in love with her and that he had no problem flying her out.
When the time came for her to make her trip, I guess she broke things off with the new NBA guy, because she never came out. Time went on and we remained pen pals of sorts. We updated each other with our happenings every now and then. The thing about it was, her happenings were always so big time. This woman IM'd me from the AFC Championship game in Denver in 2006. When she told me about the guy who flew her out there I remember thinking "Mann that guy has all kinds of skills on Madden. He's definitely a sleeper that people don't expect to have such good ratings." I let her know that I always move him up the depth charts when he is available. She laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the game.
She then IM'd me from the NBA finals in Miami a few months later. Some dude must have paid her way down there too. Coddamit. This girl was just way too much. Over the course of the summer, she also attended Portsmouth Pre-Draft camp, Orlando Pre-Draft camp, Las Vegas and Long Beach NBA summer league. This girl was everywhere athletes were. She wasn't just a groupie, she was a super groupie. Paid trips to every sport's fan's dream locations year round, dates with the biggest of the big time, she had it all. It was after the NBA summer leagues that I didn't speak with her again. She just kind of fell off of the earth. I didn't see her on AIM any more, so I assumed she got involved in a serious relationship and gave up the AIM for a while.
Now is when the story really begins...
September 6, 2006, I was kickin it at JGant's house as usual. I was sitting in his livingroom, having many AIM conversations on this very laptop. Out of nowhere, I get an IM from this girl saying "can I talk to you for a minute?" Now when I saw this, a couple of things came to mind. First, when someone says can we talk for a minute, it never, ever is a minute. It's usually the most serious of conversations. Secondly, I didn't personally feel that we were close enough of friends to talk "for a minute".
I lost our AIM conversation when my hard drive failed, but I remember it with 97% accuracy. I will recount the conversation here to fill you in on our minute of IM-ing:
Tiffany Burris: Rod Benson:
Can you please just let me type to you?
I have some stuff I gotta get out.
Sure. Whats goin on?
I'm buggin out right now.
like buggin the F out
I want to kill myself
I'v tried to before and it scares me. I locked myself
in my room to try to calm down but I cant.
wait what? r u serious right now?
what r u talking about?
today I was driving home and I almost swerved
off the road.
when I was downstairs I grabbed a knife and
all I could think about was cutting myself
Im so scared of what I might do
whoa whoa whoa calm down dont do anything
crazy
why are you talking like this
youre right just stay in your room
cuz imagine
you wake up and its 5 years from now
and you havent had anybody
no friends not even a best friend
no family
everybody around you uses you
nobody wants you
youre embarrassed to go outside
you go to school for no reason really
you work just to pay the bills
you feel so so so so so empty inside
youre just so empty
thats my life
Dont say that
you have plenty of friends
I know a lot of them
A ton of people want you. you have plenty to be happy about
I just dont understand where your coming from
well if you had done all the bad stuff I
have in my life and had karma do this to you
youd feel the same way too
youre way too hard on yourself
you cant think so negatively
nothing youve done could have been so bad
rod ive lied to 99% of the people I know
hey I might have lied to 100, so what everybody lies
no Ive had a bad lie, wanna know?
sure if you wanna tell me
well I might as well tell you since I lied to you too
in the spring of 99 i started my freshman year of
college. during my first week I was raped, I quit the
lacrosse team I went there for, and met my future
fiance. some crazy stuff but I guess it helps you
grow as a person.
anyways one day I was driving and I started getting
dizzy. different than being drunk it was like 1000x
worse. I went to see the doctor they said my dizziness
was vertigo. They checked a bunch of stuff and found
out I had hypothyroidism.
It explained a lot because my hair had been thinning,
I had put on a lot of weight, and I hadnt had my period
in years. all separate I didnt notice, but together it
al made sense.
my fiance said hed be there for me and support me
but he left me soon after the diagnosis because of
the weight I had gained. I found out later that he had
cheated on me the whole time. I dont know why he
dated me in the first place.
anyways... some girl friends of mine knew this one girl
who is such a money hungry groupie. She so
everything you always thought I was. One day we
made a myspace pretending to be her to out her for
everything she was. I got caught up in it, I couldnt
stop. All these people wanted to be my friend because
I looked like her. They would have never even
talked to me otherwise.
It became bad because I actually made "friends" on
there. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself earlier
this summer because of the guilt or whatever.
but thats my story. I have no friends, no family.
the people who were my friends never talk
to me anymore. I dont show my face in public
because people stare at me, laugh at me.
I saw an old friend of mine the other day and
when she saw what has become of me, she
started crying.
I really have nothing to live for.
the doctor said Im on the path to being dead
by the time Im 35, Im 26.
I told your boy the other day. He was nice about it,
but I dont think he will ever talk to me again
wait wait wait
what are you saying here
are you saying that the girl in the picture is you
or it isnt you?
umm the second one
but my boy? you and him used to date, right?
I never actually met him. if I did and I looked
like that, we would have definitely had sex,
I dont think he would have accepted any
thing else
OH SNAP forreal!? That is unbelievable.
-------------------- end of conversation -------------------------
That isn't actually where the conversation ended, but that's all you really need to read. I realized that I was being insensitive to a person who needed help, so I changed the subject soon afterwards. I still had so many questions though, and not enough answers. I called up my boy Kelly who had also IMd with her in the past. I told him about the whole thing. He was just as shocked as I was. My boy who had "dated" her was also friends with Kelly. We laughed for a second at the fact that he was really hyped up on a girl who didn't exist. He actually was a little angry with me for IMing her. His girlfriend who didnt exist. Haha, classic.
Then I got to thinking. I IMed this girl, Tiffany Burris, for a year and a half. That's a long time to pretend to be someone else. I TALKED to her on the phone a couple times. She played the role there too. No way. A year and a half? No way. I got thinking some more. Did she really go to these events? Was she really at the NBA Finals? The AFC championship? Portsmouth pre draft camp? The thing is, I remember a lot of things about what she said while she was at those games. I would believe that she really was there. I actually still do believe that she really was there. Maybe she really was flown out. Maybe she really did accept tickets based on her myspace profile. Maybe she just never actually met up with these people. Maybe.
More answers were needed. As it turns out, Kelly knew a guy who was in a picture with her. I contacted this guy. Before getting back to me, he called her first. She sent me another IM the next day.
"Do you think I was lying about lying to you?"
"No, there's just so much to this."
That was the extent of our convo.
The guy, better known as B-Melt did in fact get back to me. I actually saw him at the Glen Park Classic basketball tournament about a month ago. To quote him: "Man she had so many people jockin her it was unbelievable. There's still a lot of guys who don't know that she doesn't exist. If word got out that that girl died, people would go out and get tattoos saying 'Rest In Peace Tiffany Burris.'"
B-Melt, in fact, never met her. I asked to see the photo they supposedly took together. He sent me this:
It is obviously the most photoshopped pic of all time. She definitely had Kelly fooled. B-Melt said that she sent it to him to suggest what they would look like together. He then said that the girl in these photos actually dates a real NBA player. Tiffany Burris used pictures of a girl who really dates an athlete, which I why I blurred her face. B-Melt went on to say that Tiffany, the real girl not the myspace person she pretended to be, actually did meet my boy who is in the NBA. I guess since she obviously looks completely different than the pictures he would think of, he never even knew that he met her. What's worse is that I asked my boy who "dated" her about the situation when I saw him in Vegas. He said that he heard that she was actually a HE!
I have no idea what the truth is, but I do know that this fake person had a lot of people going all over the country. All it took was some nice pictures and a myspace page to execute the project. I, Rod Benson, have done a lot of crazy things in my life, but falling in love with or making a song about or giving tickets to a girl who never existed is NOT on the list.
The End.
Where do I begin? How about spring 2005? In the spring of 2005, I was just coming off my big year at CAL. I'll admit it, I felt pretty big time for like 3 weeks until I got hurt. In the meantime, I was riding my wave of emotion and hype that would lead into my senior year. My hype spilled over into my myspace page for a long time. All my pictures were of me dunking or shooting or blocking somebody's shot ferociously (Matt Haryasz haha). My page basically screamed "big time" to anyone who saw it... or so I thought.
Anyways, in about mid march 2005, I got a myspace message. I opened it. It said "Hey sexy. What's up?" If you've read anything myspace related on tmrb, you know that I get these kinds of messages all the time from these disgusting women. This day was different. When I looked at the profile of the woman before me, I saw this:
face blurted out on purpose, but who cares?
Are you thinking what I was thinking? Of course. Reply! Reply! Reply! Well, not so fast Rod Benson. I looked over her profile. She had about 600 friends and maybe 400 of them were athletes that I recognized. It was basically a who's who of pro and college athletes on myspace. I kind of felt like she was a big time groupie, but then I also thought that this was justification that I was now big time. I mean coddamn she had NFL and NBA guys on there and she wanted Rod Benson too. Recruiting for the next level I guess.
Well, I decided to back off of the initial game plan to seriously put the moves on this girl. The way I saw it, she was far too big time and making moves with guys much more big time than me. Her name was "Tiffany Burris" (I changed the name like I said). We became friends, actually, and I would always joke with her and say "Man I need to be in the NBA so girls who look like you will really want me." She would always laugh and agree.
Over the next year we would talk every now and then, mostly on Instant Messenger, but occasionally over the phone. It was during this time that I really got to know her. In the beginning, she told me that she was talking to one of my boys who was in the NBA. I informed her that I know him very well, so we would always talk about him and her and what they were doing. I even talked to him about her. He seemed to actually be a little annoyed that I knew her, like I was moving in on his territory. I told him that it didn't matter because I lived on the other side of country. Tiffany and I talked about my boy at first and then moved on to others.
There was a song that I listened to all the time called "MySpace Jump Off" which was basically about a guy who met a girl on myspace. Tiffany told me that she knew the guy who made the song and that she was the inspiration.
She told me about another NBA guy she was talking to who I didn't really know well, but definitely knew of. She informed me that he was going to fly her out for the week and that she would be nearby where I was so we should hang out. I remember thinking that this dude must really like this girl to fly her out and let her stay for the week, especially since she just got through dating my boy who is also in the NBA. I talked to her about the new guy. She told me all kinds of things about him. She told me that he was damn near in love with her and that he had no problem flying her out.
When the time came for her to make her trip, I guess she broke things off with the new NBA guy, because she never came out. Time went on and we remained pen pals of sorts. We updated each other with our happenings every now and then. The thing about it was, her happenings were always so big time. This woman IM'd me from the AFC Championship game in Denver in 2006. When she told me about the guy who flew her out there I remember thinking "Mann that guy has all kinds of skills on Madden. He's definitely a sleeper that people don't expect to have such good ratings." I let her know that I always move him up the depth charts when he is available. She laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the game.
She then IM'd me from the NBA finals in Miami a few months later. Some dude must have paid her way down there too. Coddamit. This girl was just way too much. Over the course of the summer, she also attended Portsmouth Pre-Draft camp, Orlando Pre-Draft camp, Las Vegas and Long Beach NBA summer league. This girl was everywhere athletes were. She wasn't just a groupie, she was a super groupie. Paid trips to every sport's fan's dream locations year round, dates with the biggest of the big time, she had it all. It was after the NBA summer leagues that I didn't speak with her again. She just kind of fell off of the earth. I didn't see her on AIM any more, so I assumed she got involved in a serious relationship and gave up the AIM for a while.
Now is when the story really begins...
September 6, 2006, I was kickin it at JGant's house as usual. I was sitting in his livingroom, having many AIM conversations on this very laptop. Out of nowhere, I get an IM from this girl saying "can I talk to you for a minute?" Now when I saw this, a couple of things came to mind. First, when someone says can we talk for a minute, it never, ever is a minute. It's usually the most serious of conversations. Secondly, I didn't personally feel that we were close enough of friends to talk "for a minute".
I lost our AIM conversation when my hard drive failed, but I remember it with 97% accuracy. I will recount the conversation here to fill you in on our minute of IM-ing:
Tiffany Burris: Rod Benson:
Can you please just let me type to you?
I have some stuff I gotta get out.
Sure. Whats goin on?
I'm buggin out right now.
like buggin the F out
I want to kill myself
I'v tried to before and it scares me. I locked myself
in my room to try to calm down but I cant.
wait what? r u serious right now?
what r u talking about?
today I was driving home and I almost swerved
off the road.
when I was downstairs I grabbed a knife and
all I could think about was cutting myself
Im so scared of what I might do
whoa whoa whoa calm down dont do anything
crazy
why are you talking like this
youre right just stay in your room
cuz imagine
you wake up and its 5 years from now
and you havent had anybody
no friends not even a best friend
no family
everybody around you uses you
nobody wants you
youre embarrassed to go outside
you go to school for no reason really
you work just to pay the bills
you feel so so so so so empty inside
youre just so empty
thats my life
Dont say that
you have plenty of friends
I know a lot of them
A ton of people want you. you have plenty to be happy about
I just dont understand where your coming from
well if you had done all the bad stuff I
have in my life and had karma do this to you
youd feel the same way too
youre way too hard on yourself
you cant think so negatively
nothing youve done could have been so bad
rod ive lied to 99% of the people I know
hey I might have lied to 100, so what everybody lies
no Ive had a bad lie, wanna know?
sure if you wanna tell me
well I might as well tell you since I lied to you too
in the spring of 99 i started my freshman year of
college. during my first week I was raped, I quit the
lacrosse team I went there for, and met my future
fiance. some crazy stuff but I guess it helps you
grow as a person.
anyways one day I was driving and I started getting
dizzy. different than being drunk it was like 1000x
worse. I went to see the doctor they said my dizziness
was vertigo. They checked a bunch of stuff and found
out I had hypothyroidism.
It explained a lot because my hair had been thinning,
I had put on a lot of weight, and I hadnt had my period
in years. all separate I didnt notice, but together it
al made sense.
my fiance said hed be there for me and support me
but he left me soon after the diagnosis because of
the weight I had gained. I found out later that he had
cheated on me the whole time. I dont know why he
dated me in the first place.
anyways... some girl friends of mine knew this one girl
who is such a money hungry groupie. She so
everything you always thought I was. One day we
made a myspace pretending to be her to out her for
everything she was. I got caught up in it, I couldnt
stop. All these people wanted to be my friend because
I looked like her. They would have never even
talked to me otherwise.
It became bad because I actually made "friends" on
there. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself earlier
this summer because of the guilt or whatever.
but thats my story. I have no friends, no family.
the people who were my friends never talk
to me anymore. I dont show my face in public
because people stare at me, laugh at me.
I saw an old friend of mine the other day and
when she saw what has become of me, she
started crying.
I really have nothing to live for.
the doctor said Im on the path to being dead
by the time Im 35, Im 26.
I told your boy the other day. He was nice about it,
but I dont think he will ever talk to me again
wait wait wait
what are you saying here
are you saying that the girl in the picture is you
or it isnt you?
umm the second one
but my boy? you and him used to date, right?
I never actually met him. if I did and I looked
like that, we would have definitely had sex,
I dont think he would have accepted any
thing else
OH SNAP forreal!? That is unbelievable.
-------------------- end of conversation -------------------------
That isn't actually where the conversation ended, but that's all you really need to read. I realized that I was being insensitive to a person who needed help, so I changed the subject soon afterwards. I still had so many questions though, and not enough answers. I called up my boy Kelly who had also IMd with her in the past. I told him about the whole thing. He was just as shocked as I was. My boy who had "dated" her was also friends with Kelly. We laughed for a second at the fact that he was really hyped up on a girl who didn't exist. He actually was a little angry with me for IMing her. His girlfriend who didnt exist. Haha, classic.
Then I got to thinking. I IMed this girl, Tiffany Burris, for a year and a half. That's a long time to pretend to be someone else. I TALKED to her on the phone a couple times. She played the role there too. No way. A year and a half? No way. I got thinking some more. Did she really go to these events? Was she really at the NBA Finals? The AFC championship? Portsmouth pre draft camp? The thing is, I remember a lot of things about what she said while she was at those games. I would believe that she really was there. I actually still do believe that she really was there. Maybe she really was flown out. Maybe she really did accept tickets based on her myspace profile. Maybe she just never actually met up with these people. Maybe.
More answers were needed. As it turns out, Kelly knew a guy who was in a picture with her. I contacted this guy. Before getting back to me, he called her first. She sent me another IM the next day.
"Do you think I was lying about lying to you?"
"No, there's just so much to this."
That was the extent of our convo.
The guy, better known as B-Melt did in fact get back to me. I actually saw him at the Glen Park Classic basketball tournament about a month ago. To quote him: "Man she had so many people jockin her it was unbelievable. There's still a lot of guys who don't know that she doesn't exist. If word got out that that girl died, people would go out and get tattoos saying 'Rest In Peace Tiffany Burris.'"
B-Melt, in fact, never met her. I asked to see the photo they supposedly took together. He sent me this:
It is obviously the most photoshopped pic of all time. She definitely had Kelly fooled. B-Melt said that she sent it to him to suggest what they would look like together. He then said that the girl in these photos actually dates a real NBA player. Tiffany Burris used pictures of a girl who really dates an athlete, which I why I blurred her face. B-Melt went on to say that Tiffany, the real girl not the myspace person she pretended to be, actually did meet my boy who is in the NBA. I guess since she obviously looks completely different than the pictures he would think of, he never even knew that he met her. What's worse is that I asked my boy who "dated" her about the situation when I saw him in Vegas. He said that he heard that she was actually a HE!
I have no idea what the truth is, but I do know that this fake person had a lot of people going all over the country. All it took was some nice pictures and a myspace page to execute the project. I, Rod Benson, have done a lot of crazy things in my life, but falling in love with or making a song about or giving tickets to a girl who never existed is NOT on the list.
The End.
Funny MySpace Messages 7
June/18/2007 11:28 AM
It’s been just over 2 months since the last installment of funny myspace messages. I must say, I’ve had so many during the past few months, that I left quite a few of them out. Well, there’s no time to waste time, so let’s get this started.
I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:
Miss u much!
Body: Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...
This girl did too:
This is what she sent me:
WHAT UP
Body: What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy
...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.
I also never talked to this girl:
I don’t think that she noticed...
Subject: n/a
Body: jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance
She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.
Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance
Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.
I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...
...much like:
Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
"dey wut ii do best♥"
Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States
This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:
sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia
I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.
Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...
She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:
hey
Body: hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back
Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.
I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:
I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:
This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”
Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!
One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:
When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.
I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:
I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.
I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:
Subject: would u...............
Body: would u let me suc ur d*c
Especially not from:
Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...
These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:
“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey whud up? so wassup w/u?
1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"
Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana
Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy
1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tasha”
Subject: CAN YOU
Body: COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.
2 months later..
Subject: hey
Body: what's good with you?
1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.
These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:
rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM
WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK
Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:
Subject: Question
Body: Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?
Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:
Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.
4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?
I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:
Miss u much!
Body: Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...
This girl did too:
This is what she sent me:
WHAT UP
Body: What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy
...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.
I also never talked to this girl:
I don’t think that she noticed...
Subject: n/a
Body: jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance
She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.
Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance
Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.
I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...
...much like:
Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
"dey wut ii do best♥"
Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States
This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:
sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia
I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.
Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...
She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:
hey
Body: hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back
Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.
I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:
I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:
This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”
Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!
One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:
When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.
I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:
I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.
I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:
Subject: would u...............
Body: would u let me suc ur d*c
Especially not from:
Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...
These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:
“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey whud up? so wassup w/u?
1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"
Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana
Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy
1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tasha”
Subject: CAN YOU
Body: COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.
2 months later..
Subject: hey
Body: what's good with you?
1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.
These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:
rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM
WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK
Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:
Subject: Question
Body: Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?
Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:
Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.
4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?