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Frantic Search for Jeans in Vegas

2008-05-21T21:18:19-07:00

When my season ended, I was scheduled to go to Eugene, OR for the weekend to get together with my man Sammy Glaser and shoot some photos for Bill Adler Designs. Well, the trip was paid for and everything, when I found out that JGant was gonna be in Vegas that same weekend. How could I pass on an opportunity to party with my partner in crime in the Sin City? I couldn't. I had to switch it up and make my way down to Vegas.

Along with JGant was a whole crew of Berkeley kids who were all part of my crew back in the day, so I didn't mind sharing a room with 3 other grown men. The entire weekend was ridiculous to be honest. We had a group of about 12 in 3 adjoining rooms, so everybody was wilin' out the whole time. We hit the town in our boom tho shirts as a crew and everything. It was solid. We even started freestylin' some boom tho raps while we were pre-gaming in the hotel room:

As you can see we are goin pretty hard right now. Right after this, my man Anthony Bright took over and gave me a solid boom tho flow that we got on tape (rated R):

Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.

Well in the midst of this ridiculous weekend, I hit up my man Ryan Vezapour and asked him what would be crackin for the weekend. At the same time, I emailed the Vegas DJ with the most boom-tho-ness, DJ Dig Dug, and asked him the same. Ryan told us about the Kanye West concert that was crackin that Friday, and it so happened that Dig Dug said the same thing. Boom. JGant and I knew what we were doing that night. We were gonna drop $88 apiece and check out one of the best rappers on the planet out at the Red Rock Hotel and Casino, which was about 25 minutes off the strip.

Ryan picked us up and drove us out there for the big show. When we got to the outdoor venue, Lupe Fiasco was already killin the mic up on stage so we settled into the middle of the pack and got right to enjoying ourselves. During the course of the concert, about 5-7 people approached me and proclaimed their boom-tho-ness. It was pretty solid. Except for this one girl behind me who kept grabbin my ass the whole night. When I asked her what was goin on, she said she saw me on E:60 and I couldn't help but laugh. Silly.

I've been to Rock the Mic, Up in Smoke, and the Glow in the Dark tour, and Kanye's performance that night at Glow in the Dark was easily the best I've ever seen from a rapper. Crazy stage, no hype men, 20 songs, and the straight up realness bein' spit every verse. While I was enjoying the show, Dj Dig Dug told me that he was DJing the afterparty at the club inside of Red Rock. He said that we should just go up to the door, drop his name, and boom boom.

So, after the show we walked over to the club (like everyone else) and told the security that Dig Dug had us. He left, then came back and said that we were good. As we were about to walk in, he stopped us. Ryan and I had on shorts since it was Vegas and it was an outdoor party. He said that the shorts would not fly. He said we were good if we came back in some jeans. Damn. So close, yet so far away. Our hotel was 25 minutes away and it was already 10:40, driving back to the strip would mean that we would just go somewhere over there and give up on the Kanye afterparty. We needed to get some jeans, and fast.

We walked out to Ryan's car. He had a pair of jeans in his trunk that fit him just nicely, but I had nothing to work with. What you are about to see is a video documentary of what transpired next:

Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.

What you need to understand is that Wal-Mart was about 10 minutes away, so it made sense to make that trip considering that every other store was closed. Also, I could have probably worn the 36 length jeans, but there was no way I was gonna be caught dead in some coddamn wranglers. No way. Luckily for us, JGant didn't recognize what developed and we ended up having a pretty spectacular night. I wore his nice jeans and he wore the wranglers.

We met up with Dig Dug in the party and told him what kind of music we were lookin for. That dude HOOKED IT UP. Have you ever seen someone C-Walk and get Hyphy in some Wrangler jeans? I have. His name is JGant and it was a legendary moment. It was a moment that taught me that if you have a high degree of boom-tho-ness in your heart, it doesn't matter if you just bought your jeans at Wal-Mart. JGant still got down and pulled a couple numbers. Mad-boom-tho-ness.

Poem Game 3

2008-05-13T19:25:23-07:00

I was down in San Diego last week to visit the mother when I decided that it would be a good idea to visit my high school's basketball team banquet. You know, one of those end of the year, let's celebrate the good guys and give certificates to the scrubs, type of deal.

While I was there, some of the kids on the Varsity team wanted to know how I felt about helping them work on one of the servers with some poetry. Specifically, they wanted to play The Poem Game. I was all for it, of course. I was able to grab a pen and a napkin and I got to work. It seems to be getting harder to come up with new poems on the fly, but I was still able to whip one up. This is what I wrote for them:

Outside this room golf is everywhere,
But inside this place love is in the air
You wear black and white, I want to Looky
You look like a tasty Oreo cookie
Think about the games we could play
In a golf cart out on Lomas Santa Fe
Monica, you work here, I'm from Torrey Pines
Monica I could say your name a 1000 times
If I'm a ninja turtle, be my April O'niel
Come get my Ooze, if that's how you feel
Better yet I'll be Shrek, you be Fiona
We'd make sweet artwork like the Mona
Let me take you out to lunch, be my Hannah Montana
You bring some chips, I'll bring the banana!

I gave the napkin back to Ramsey Hopkins, a junior at TP. He then gave it to the server. Here's how it went down:

Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo..

If the embed doesn't work, click here to watch the video:

After she got the poem, this woman DISAPPEARED. She literally went into the back room and didn't come out for an hour and a half. When she did emerge, she quickly walked out of the room. I guess Ramsey didn't have what it took to get the job done! Later he tracked her down and asked her what she thought. She said that it was "clever," and kept it moving. Oh well, I guess you win some and you lose some when playing The Poem Game.

Live BDL Blog: Spurs vs Hornets

2008-05-13T19:15:36-07:00

The Bachelor Party

2008-05-07T15:52:36-07:00

What you are about to witness is an email account of a very terrible situation that me and some of my boys are going through. I'll give you a little back-story on the issue first. My roommate of four years, Richard Midgley, is getting married this summer. He is the first of my friends to get married, so I'm kind of new to the whole process. The lack of experience comes into play even more because I am actually in the wedding, so I am one of three guys all in charge of making sure the bachelor party is off the chain. Now you know all you need to know to read the following. It's an email sent by Christian Prelle (my hoops teammate turned model friend) regarding the bachelor party situation, Richard was not CC'd in this email:

We have handled the news of Rmidge getting married pretty well. Unfortunately though, we've just been hit with something that cannot be forgiven or forgotten as long as we live.

Im assuming that we are all in agreement with the fact that a man's bachelor party is his last chance as a free man to really get loose with his best buds. Im not saying that he will never go out again and get wild...im just saying that its a special time for us to commemorate the fact that he is signing his balls away for the rest of his life. Lets also be honest and say that the bachelor party is never only about the bachelor, its about his boys. A bachelor party is a prime opportunity for guys like Conor to swoop and maybe pick up some sixty year olds and make out in the middle of the casino, a prime time for Lup to find some Lup breezes make them cry and come home with lion claw marks all over his back, a prime time for space to find a nice blonde breeder and wife the shit out of her, Rod can get some amazing footage for his next music vid, and last but not least Mike will be able to disappear for hours and talk on the phone to his girl and make up a lie on why he has to take an early flight home.

Well, all of these amazing scenarios are in jeopardy of never happening. Apparently, Richard cant go to Vegas! I can hear the collective, "WHY!" amongst all of you. No, its not because of a family emergency. No, its not because he doesnt think Vegas would be fun. No, its not because he doesnt want to lose the money he is saving for the honeymoon on gambling. All of these MIGHT be acceptable excuses. As you have probably guessed by now: Its because Vanessa said he is not allowed!

I know there are other places to have bachelor parties, but come on when you're in America and you here the words bachelor party you immediately think Vegas. Of course, we dont want to go to Vegas because we want Midgley to bang some hooker like Vanessa is probably thinking. We want to go to Vegas because it presents the most opportunity, in the short period of time we have, to make some legendary moments.

We all remember the old Rmidge, probably at one time the most solid among us. The guy who claimed he would never be the first to get married, the guy who used to get in a bar brawl anytime he went to bear's lair, the guy who would cut off his own hand before ever holding a breezes in public, and most importantly the guy who ALWAYS had his boy's backs no matter what. Well, that guy is looooooonnnnnnggggggg gone. I guess we'll just have to wait for Mike's or Chase's wedding, which ever comes first, to do Vegas big time.

If there still are any questions as to why we arent going to Vegas please direct your emails to the undisputed number one saver of all time r*****@gmail.com. If there are any alternative ideas for the bach party please email me.

RELL

So that email was sent to all the boys on April 23rd. On April 28th Chase Lyman, former Cal football star wide-out, sent this as a reply:

Since Vegas is now out of the running apparently, I have some ideas for other things we can do for the bachelor party.

-Monterey Bay Aquarium
-Movie night in Walnut Creek
-Poker night at Conor's place
-Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck
-6 Flags/Great America
-Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl

Let's see if we can get any of these locations approved and I'll set it up.

I was actually at Prelle's house in Newport Beach when we read this email from Chase. I realized that Richard was now CCd on the email so it could blow up. It prompted Prelle to immediately send this right back:

Take richard's email off any further inquiries about the bachelor party and insert vanessas because she makes all the decisions. The sad part is I'm not trying to be funny, I'm dead serious.

Chase, the poetry reading on Shattuck is the only idea that can potentially get the go ahead from the head honcho...if and only if the poetry contains no profanity whatsoever, no sexual references of any kind, and as long as its during the day so we can have Richard home before the street lights go on.

We wont be able to go to the aquarium because the female fish and mammals dont wear any clothes. We wont be able to go to movie night because its to late and all the movies nowadays contain violence and nudity and profanity...all of which are completely off limits for Richard. Poker night, I'm sure she'll laugh in his face at the mention of this idea...the potential to invite strippers over, and, of course, Richard is strictly prohibited from gambling for the rest of his life. Six flags is off limits because of the dangers the roller coasters present...we might be able to get away with going to a theme park if and only if it's guys only day at the venue. Mystic bowling is obviously to late at night and there might be drinking which is also strictly prohibited because Richard is only allowed to have alcohol for special occasions like family parties or baby showers and even then its a two beer limit, no hard alcohol of any kind.

Oh man this had me just dying. Richard was my roommate for four years, and now it had really come to this! Well, I guess Vanessa (Richard's Fiance) didn't take all of this too well. She called Prelle from England to call him out on many things. I couldn't exactly hear the words, but she was serious. If she wanted to call him out, she should have just pasted some of Prelle's modeling photos on the internet, like I do all the time:

I digress, this is about Rich, not Prelle. After the phone call, Prelle sent another email to everyone:

Just to forewarn everyone, you are not only sending a message to Richard when you send something to HIS email address. His address is shared with Vanessa. Richard/Vanessa, could you let us know if Richard has an email he uses just for himself in case we have anything private we want to send him.

Thanks

Oh man I was rolling. I thought this would end it all, but alas, a few days ago, I got one more email from Prelle. I guess there is a site called "The Jew Knew" where important questions get answered. To quote "The Jew":

"This is no AskJeeves...Jeeves is actually my bitch. I've got a tailored answer for every question. You heard me...I know my sh*t.

Try me...ask me anything. Just make sure it has nothing to do with Math or Religion.

I'll have a response e-mailed to you within 24 hours.

- The Jew"

So, Prelle's question and "The Jew's" response are both currently pasted right on the front of thejewknew.com, but I'll still list them here. I had to edit it a bit, even for TMRB:

Dear Jew: One of my best friends is getting married and I am the best man. Of course, I'm automatically hit with the responsibility of planning the bachelor party. Vegas, right? Of course, Vegas. Only problem is his fiance will not allow him to go. Last time I checked if you are a grown man you shouldnt have to listen when someone tells you what do. I had the whole thing planned out and now everyone one of our friends thinks this guy is a joke, including me. How do we tell him he doesnt have to listen to her? How do we tell him that if he listens to her now shell be telling him what to do until they get divorced? This guy has pulled a complete 180 from the guy we went to college with which wast that long ago? How do we get the old guy back?

**Response**

Your friend is pussy whipped. He’s getting married for f*cks sake. The guy you went to college with is gone…You heard me…GONE. There is no getting this guy back. In fact, your friendship is probably already in jeopardy. The wife has probably started to “phase out” his college buddies in lieu of couples…F*CK THAT.

Here’s what to do. Tell the wife…not your buddy…that you respect her decision and that you’re working on a contingency plan.

Here’s the plan:
Have all your buddies book flights to Cabo San Lucas and get everyone to pitch for a flight for the groom.
Tell the wife after the trip has been booked that instead of partying like animals for an entire weekend, you’ve decided do a more relaxing bachelor party to Cabo for some fishing and golf. Tell her the arrangements have already been made and airfare has been booked. She’ll be pissed, but the damage has been done.
Depending on the # of guys in your party, Stay at the ME (If less than 10) or book a house through:
www.Cabovillas.com
Get a house in Pedrigal…on the hill overlooking downtown. These guys will take good care of you and have a great inventory of sick houses/villas. You can pull chicks back to the house and you don’t have to worry about being too loud and getting kicked out. Cabo has a great pool scene and plenty of hot babies.

At the wedding…your speech needs to call the bitch out. Then tell her that you hate fishing and that you suck at golf.

Good luck. Bring your own blow…
The Jew
www.thejewknew.com

So "The Jew" gave us a possibility, Chase gave us some possibilities, and, of course, we could just go to Vegas. What do you think of our options? Scroll down to Vote below:

Free surveys for myspace

	What should we do for Richard's bachelor party?
	Monterey Bay Aquarium
	Movie night in Walnut Creek
	Poker night at Conor's place
	Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck
	6 Flags/Great America
	Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl
	"The Jew's" Cabo Adventure
	Vegas Anyway

magic pharmacy online

Naggin' In Iceland

2008-05-07T15:52:16-07:00

My old high school teammate and current overseas baller Avi Fogel and I were driving down to the UCSD campus to play some pickup ball with the D2 kids when he decided to break the silence of the lazy afternoon.

"Rod man I forgot to tell you about for funny ish that happened when I was overseas in Iceland," he said excitedly, knowing that I would enjoy the story.

"Oh yea?" I responded. "What's crackin?"

I won't quote him because due to laughter, I don't remember his exact words. So I'll it the way I remember it. He tells me that when he was in Iceland the majority of his teammates were black and from the U.S. He said that one night they all went out to some Icelandic club that, based on his description of Icelandic women, I would have to assume was pretty crackin and filled with many dime pieces.

One of his boys was REALLY feelin one of those dimes out in the club so he made a play, but she shot him down. I guess later he tried again, and again, and finally again. She just wasn't buying what the man was selling I guess. I wasn't there, but I can imagine a dude thinkin that he was gonna get some "easy" play overseas who realized that she wasn't that way.

Well, I guess the girl started to get annoyed with the situation. She walked up to Avi and his bothersome teammate and said "Why do you keep naggin me so much? All you do is nag nag nag!"

I guess Avi replies "Hahaha what? He keeps nagging you?"

Frustrated, the girl says to the teammate: "Yes. Why are you such a stupid NAGGER?"

Ummm.... I guess the accent made it tough to hear, so the teammate says: "What? Bitch, you don't know me!" and allegedy socks her in the face!

I haven't laughed so hard at anything yet since season ended. Obviously hitting a girl is off limits, but coddamn, he hit her because she called him a stupid NAGGER? Classic. Nagger should have shut his coddamn mouth!

Uncommon Sense: R.I.P. Soulja Boy?

2008-05-07T15:47:19-07:00

So I was riding in the car with my mom and a couple of her friends the other day and while she's in the car I tend to keep the music tuned to something that's a little more mellow than, perhaps something I would play riding alone. I have XM radio in my car so as we are riding a Luther Vandross song comes on. It was a song even I knew the words to so we began singing it and just having a good old time. After the song went off my mom said something that got me thinking.

“Boy I am going to miss Luther, it’s crazy to think that he is gone along with Gerald Levert. We grew up listening to those guys...”

As my elders rode in the car reminiscing about their good times growing up to their music, I though to myself “Who am I going have to miss?” Seriously, that is a valid question. Let’s say 40 years from now when I'm riding in the car with my children and they decide to play some old school, and “Crank that Soulja Boy” comes on the radio, how am I supposed to respond???

“Kids this here is old school! You young people don't know nothing bout this here Soulja Boy. I'm so sorry he passed. He cranked that Soulja Boy one too many times. He will be missed.”

Funny as that may seem, that is a very real possibility. Now I just use Soulja Boy because he is very popular right now. I hate to admit it, but when his song comes on in the club, you catch everybody (including me), doing this little dance. My prediction is in 2038, the top 5 Top Golden Oldies will be Yo by Chris Brown, Lip Gloss by Lil Mama, Aye Bay Bay by Hurricane Chris, Fresh Azimiz by Bow Wow, and finally Show Stopper by Danity Kane. Honorable Mention: Wipe me down by Lil Boosie. Boom Tho  
NBA Draft Update: So I am working hard preparing for the NBA pre-draft camp in Orlando. I can honestly say that I have never done anything this physically draining in my life. I work out at the most 3 and a half hours a day, and the majority of those other 21 hours are spent sleeping and dreading the next days workout. You truly have to love the game in order to keep yourself in the mind frame to keep on pushing. I am working out with University of Maryland standout, James Gist, Michigan State shooter, Drew Nitziel, and Memphis Center Joey Dorsey. We are going hard, early every morning and pushing the envelope daily. It is safe to say I am a certified "Envelope Pusher." I'll be sure to keep you posted on how the workouts are going.

Funny, Joey dorsey was callin me big time but this dude left the mall with me and went straight to the Cadillic dealership to pick up his escalade ESV.

Uncommon Sense: The Beginning

2008-04-28T16:00:21-07:00

For those of you who are don't know who I am, My Name is DeVon Hardin. I am former Cal golden bear and aspiring NBA prospect. Rod and I played together at Cal my freshman and sophomore year. One thing I can say about Rod is for about 75% of the time we spent playing together, I HATED him. Plan and simply put I was waiting for the day where he would push me to the point in which I had no choice but to beat the living crap out of him. Part of this may have stemmed from our competing to play the same position. I believe most of it was just Rod's personality. As a younger man I just resented him but over time I learned to tolerate him.

Not to sound too sentimental but today Rod is one of my closest friends and he has finally convinced me to give this blog thing a try. I suppose it could be pretty interesting. One of the things that has been holding me back from doing this sooner is the fact that, it is difficult to start a blog. So I am going to take a shortcut and piggyback off TMRB.com considering the fact that he has such a large fan base already.

While I may not have as many oddly entertaining antics as Rod, I do have some pretty funny stuff to talk about. I mean, I am not even in the NBA yet and somehow life has completely changed since the moment I left Berkeley. The only rule passed down to me by my senior blogger is this: whatever I write I have to make sure that it maintains the standards of Boom-Tho-Ness. Keep your eyes open. Boom Tho.

Devon Hardin is a former Cal Bear and is currently preparing for the NBA draft. He asked me to let him blog on TMRB.com so here it is. He wanted to call his blog "Uncommon Sense." Nobody knows why. Boom.

BTGOM: April

2008-04-28T15:09:05-07:00

I asked, you answered. I wanted to know who the next BTGOM should be, and I got the same answer many times. I was apprehensive about accepting this particular suggestion because I remember reading something about her last year. I read that she really doesn't want all the attention that she's been getting. I read that as a high schooler, she was basically being stalked and that there were pictures and discussions and websites all chronicling her every move. Maybe it was warranted, but it was unwanted.

Well, in a way, this is one of those same attention creating, "let's all gawk at the hot girl" things that she has resented for so long. In another way, however, this is very different. This is the Boom Tho Girl of the Month. This is about recognizing someone out there who I think is ready like spaghetti, someone who is in there like swimwear, and someone who could help promote the movement through looks, yes, but also through being all around cool, smart, and progressive.

That being said, I now feel comfortable naming Allison Stokke the BTGOM for April 2008. Some of the emails called this too perfect. Maybe it is. An athlete from my school who looks like that? I guess it was just meant to be. Maybe I'll go into HAAS this summer to get my ankles taped by Barry Parsons, AKA the best trainer in the history of training, and I'll see her in there. She probably won't know who I am, but Barry and I will look at each other and understand the Boom-Tho-Ness of the situation.

If you read this, Allison, understand that I recognize the way you literally raise the bar for the Cal track team and figuratively raise the bar for all Cal women who, although some of the most intelligent women in the country, are not renowned for their looks. I can envision you dancing at a FIJI (Cal Frat) party, absolutely framed like a diamond in the rough. I emerge through the front door with my crew of Boom Tho t-shirt wearing hooligans, get you a drink and we get next on the Beirut table (beer pong to those who don't really know). Ask Mohammed (Cal student services blah blah slash athlete favorite) about me, he'll tell you what's up!

That is what I missed out on during my four years. Oh well. Still, Mo, do it.

Ode To Jenna Fischer Part Dos!

2008-04-20T20:06:11-07:00

Earlier today, I went out and bought "Walk Hard." I popped into my xbox and started watching it. I had no idea Jenna Fischer was in that bad boy looking as gorgeous as ever. It pissed me off in a way. Why did nobody tell me that the official Boom Tho girl was all spiced up and hot in a Judd Apatow movie? It caught me by surprise. I would have gone to the theatre to see it if I had known all the details.

Anyways, the fact of the matter is that the Boom Tho GOTM's have gotten more attention lately than the original Boom Tho Girl. Jenna, I haven't forgotten about you. We have a chemistry that only two people who have never met can share. It's special to only us. So, I decided that you needed another poem to show you just how I feel. The first poem can be seen in "Ode to Jenna Fischer", but this is the second one. This is Part Dos!

The past few months have been really whack
But 2 weeks ago at 7 The Office came back
I'm so glad she came back - I've missed her
That's right, I've missed you Jenna Fischer
I know you think we don't know each other
But after watching Dewey Cox, I think you need a brother
If you were some milk, I'd be like Ovaltine
We'd get some brown in you if you know what I mean
Yep, I said it, I'm anything but coy,
If your life is a happy meal, then I'm your free toy
My beds like a ship, let me be your captain
Come to my room, "Where Boom Tho Happens"
So what if Will Farrell felt you up in blades of glory
The irrigation room gets wild after dwights bedtime story
You're like the Little Mermaid, Ariel of the Sea
Ill go to the water where it is hotter take it from me
Let me show you why they call me Too Much
I just want to treat you like my Ipod Touch
The next line is dirty, If you know what I mean
Treat me like a Nintendo Cartridge that's not clean
We could be like Jules and Seth, solid as a rock
You can scratch my back, but it's located on my --
Let's make some sweet music like Bleeker and Juno
When it comes to Boom Tho girls, you're numero uno!

Pistol Pete-isms

2008-04-19T18:13:45-07:00

On Ball Don't Lie, I wrote about Pistol Pete and how his skills were superhuman. Go read that, if you haven't already.

Now that you've read it, I decided to list all the Pistol Pete-isms that people posted. So, here they are, uncut:

a Pistol Pete spin-dribble started Hurricane Katrina
* When he ran suicides, he called them baby-makers.  * He could have averaged 50 points a game, but he likes palindromes.  * Shaquille O'Neal only took the name 'Diesel' because Pistol took Premium.  * It wasn't March Madness until Pistol got angry.  * Dick Vitale sounded like Jay Bilas until he saw Pistol's crossover.  * ESPN originally stood for "Every Shot of Pistols is Notable."
Referees never called fouls on Pistol Pete; he ordered them to randomly blow their whistles to make his possessions more interesting.

Pistol Pete caused the 1977 New York blackout during a pickup game when his crossover dribble accidentally generated an electromagnetic pulse.

Pistol Pete's baby teeth grew arms and legs and eventually spawned into 7 members of the 1986 Celtics.

Pistol Pete once melted a pair of Chuck Taylors into the shape of the Virgin Mary dribbling a basketball--15 minutes later, the silhouette began producing tears.”

Pistol Pete is so fast that all his assists are to himself.
Pistol Pete doesn't break ankles, he amputates feet.
Pistol Pete didn't drop dimes, he dropped C-notes.
When Pistol Pete played, they moved the 3-point line to half court, because a 20-footer is just a layup to Pistol Pete.”
Pistol Pete never hit the rim. He swished every shot he ever took, he refused to even dunk the ball as he viewed the rim as disgusting and didn't want to touch it in any way.
if pistol pete was black they'd call him rod benson
Pistol Pete ran the 3-man weave single-handedly.

Pistol Pete racked up 21 assists in a one-on-one game.

Pistol Pete went deep into the NIT tournament despite the fact that his teammates were 7 goats and a truck tire.

Pistol Pete once had a line of 63 points, 21 assists, 18 rebounds, and 3 impregnated cheerleaders.”
Pistol Pete is a good scorer without the ball. Literally, he just stares at the ball and it goes in.

Pistol Pete's crossover is so devastating that reading about it will break your ankles. Don't believe me? Look down at your ankles right now. That's right.”
If Pistol Pete lost half his talent, they'd still say he boom got them dos!
Pistol Pete ran the triangle offense in 1 on 1 games.

Pistol Pete didn't call time outs. He stopped time.

Pistol Pete woulda averaged 57 points a game with the college three point line (that one's real).”
Pistol Pete is so fast that he makes other fast people..............seem.....umm....not..so fast.
well that sucked.”

Pistol Pete referred to practice as nap time.

Pistol Pete ate whole boxes of Wheaties in between time outs.

Pistol Pete never turned the ball over ever. The numbers that indicated otherwise on stat sheets were on the order of Pistol himself, just to show his supreme humility; one among many of his countless outstanding qualities.

Pistol Pete knows where Carmen San Diego is.”
The 3PT line wasn't ready like spaghetti for Pistol Pete
The Pistol often pissed his name onto the opposing teams locker rooms just like we piss our names into snow. Most of the floors had to be replaced becase of the seriousness of his piss' architectual damage.
Pistol Petes calander goes straight from the 31st March to the 2nd of April - No one fools pistol Pete.

Pistol Petes tears cure cancer - too bad he never cries.

When Pistol Pete does push ups he doesn't go up the world goes down.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Superman owns a pair of Pistol Pete pyjamas.

Pistol Pete sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparallelled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Pete spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should haveseen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The only time Pistol Pete was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”

Pistol Pete only missed shots to make you think you have a chance.

Pistol Pete once scored 50 points, during halftime.

Pistol Pete's shots vaccinate against polio.

Wilt Chamberlain was Pistol Pete standing on his own shoulders.”
Pistol Pete once dunked from the free throw line in a game ... the opponent's free throw line.

Pistol Pete never checked into the game, he just walked on and off the court whenever he felt like it.

Pistol Pete didn't try to outscore the other team, he tried to outscore both teams.

Pistol Pete's hair was a lock-down defender.”
When Pistol ran suicides he didn't touch the foul line and the midcourt line, he touched I-95, I-77, I-35...
Pistol Pete once ate an orange and started crying...and Gatorade was born
Pistol Pete once put the ball through both baskets on the same shot
Pistol Pete was Mr. Miyagi's father
During the opening tip once, the pistol grabbed the ball and made a layup before it reached maximum height
Pistol Pete could throw underhand so well, he once struck out 26 batters in a slow pitch softball game.
The only guy he didn't strike out was Chuck Norris, who flew out to center”
When Pistol Pete's shot gets cold, the inside of the rim becomes a superconductor.

The Soviet Union had an answer to Reagan's star wars defense program, they collapsed because they didn't have an answer to Pistol Pete.

When Pistol Pete played for the Jazz, they saved money on halftime entertainment. Pistol Pete would just watch other teams acts on the road and do them in costume at home. In one game, Pistol Pete had 60 points, 20 assists, and 20 rebounds in the second half, after spending most of halftime escaping from an underwater tank where he could not breathe.”

Pistol Pete's statistics started the high tech boom in America by creating a demand for more powerful adding machines.

Pistol Pete could sink a 15 lb. bowling ball from half court, while lying flat on his back.

Every woman that Wilt Chamberlin slept with had been with Pistol Pete first.

Pete Maravich played a full game at lsu with a splint on his knee. He couldn't walk so he stood the whole game at half court and scored 30 pts with 20 assists and 5 steals.”
Pistol Pete could reliably hit a three from any body position while break dancing.

Pistol Pete never missed a layup, ever, in his life. The closest shot he ever missed was a 12 foot jumper. Hurricane Camille was hitting Louisiana with 130 mph winds but Pete insisted on practicing on the outdoor court. He also missed a half court shot that day, after spending a few hours shooting.

Pistol Pete once beat Bruce Lee in a martial arts fight. Pete knocked him out with an unorthodox two handed push to the forehead. Only his fingertips touched Lee.”
pistol pete was ready before spaghetti
Pistol Pete wasn't named after a gun, guns were named after him.

When Pistol Pete ran the floor, he never traveled any distance, the distance traveled for him.

Pistol Pete didn't have ice water in his veins, your cooler has Pete's blood.”
Pistol Pete averaged 39 points and 18 dimes one season, after he retired.

The season after Pistol Pete was traded from the Jazz... He still led them in scoring.

Pistol Pete once outscored the opposing team for an entire game, at the tip off.

Pistol Pete didn't drink water during time outs, he drank souls.

Pistol Pete's socks led the league in assists.”

The reason why the 3 point line was not invented after Pistol Pete was because he would average 70 points a game

To make a great branch of steroids you need Hennessy, Cocaine, and Pistol Pete's Blood.

Pistol Pete can play and finish quarter averaging 40 points, 10 boards and 12 assists

Pistol Pete is the legitimate father of Kobe, Lebron, Chris Paul, and Michael Beasly

During the 1980 Summer Olympics the US didn't go because Pistol Pete coached the Yugoslavia team. We call that "intelligent" warfare”

Pete Maravich is most known for destroying Dick Vitale blood vessels in his neck from saying "It's Awesome BABY!"

A Pistol Pete crossover would end Shaun Livingston's life.

Pistol Pete could win a championship with three cardboard players and Gumby on his side with the 07 08 Miami Heat on the bench”
A Pistol Pete crossover would break the ankles of the entire opposing team

Pistol Pete can make a shot while double fisting beers in the owner's box

Pistol Pete is so Christ-like, a 5 year old can walk onto a D-1 team after watching his youtube instructional videos

Pistol Pete can score 40 while walking on his hands and shooting with his feet”
Any guy who had to guard Pistol Pete would become so negative that if he were in a darkroom he'd develop.

Pistol Pete never learned how to follow his own shot because he never missed any.

A spinning, no-look, between the legs bounce pass from Pistol Pete ended world hunger.

Pistol Pete brushed his teeth with brillo pads and flossed with razor blades.

Pistol Pete used to fill his jock with week-old crullers because that's how he rolls.”

Pistol Pete's homework basketball videos led the NBA in scoring and assists in 1988.

Pistol Pete wants everyone to know that he let Jerry West be the logo

Pistol Pete solved Tupac and Biggie's murders. He just doesn't want to tell you who did it.

Pistol Pete could beat Tiger Woods in a golf tournament. Nah...just kidding.”

pistol pete didn't need his team mates, his team mates needed him

pistol pete was always on fire, he caused heat waves.

his shooting was so hot, he ended the cold war.

he could dribble a bowling ball better than Skip to My Lou would handle the basketball.

pistol pete doesn't climb mountains, mountains bow down to him.

pistol pete was so good, everyone around him looked so bad.

he'd score so much points, the scorer often lost count.

his numbers were so outrageous, nobody today would've believed pistol pete was white.
to post 84: pistol pete is so good, he'll shoot a basketball in a golf hole...using a golf CLUB! 'nuff said, pete pawns the tiger”

I heard once that Pistol Pete went up for a layup that started in Times Square and he landed somewhere around Beijing, thus creating the Chinese Basketball Association.

Pistol Pete never used a gun when hunting, he spit out lead bullets and crapped Titanium-another reason they call him the Pistol.

The Army wanted to recruit the Pistol because they knew then they really could be an Army of one.

Someone once asked Pistol Pete what he thought about racism in America, he answered "I pity them racist fools" Shortly after Mr. T changed it to "I pity the fool" The royalties he got on the quote were amazing.

Pistols socks were tight when he put them on, but he was so silky smooth they instantly changed to silk and slid down, thus the floppy look.

Pistol Pete didn't really die, he had started playing ball again as a black man named Michael Jordan. The NBA decided they better kill off the Pistol before the Government started looking into it. The Pistol transcended race, gender, and time.”

For fun Pistol Pete would do his crossover in front of pregnant ladies causing the disease we now know as polio

Pistol Pete was with Moses as he was escaping from the egyptians, when faced with the red see he did a single crossover breaking the sees ankles and causing it to split.

Strangley enough in jeopardy you can answer all the questions with who is Pitol Pete”

God originally asked Noah to teach people about Pistol's arc, but Noah was too big a fool to comprehend its perfection.

Many of today's NBA players still receive assists from Pistol Pete.

By counteracting a patient's body tremors, Pistol Pete could cure Parkinson's.

Pistol Pete's cross over cause the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

When pistol pete heard people calling Jordan the G.O.A.T he rose from the grave and entered Jordan's nightmare as a monstrous basketball player crossing his airness and blocking him for hours Jordan later chronicled this ordeal in his critcally aclaimed "Space Jam"

When athletes make amazing plays time seems to slow down as God watches there acrobatic stunts in slow motion when Pistol Pete does time goes backwards as God continously rewinds his breathtaking drives causing what we now know as Deja Vu.

Pistol Pete's amazing leaps allowed him to break the space time continum. At the age of Forty he jumped and was transported to broke to 2008 where he saw the pitiful fate of the LSU basketball program, this is the real cause of his sudden heart attack. ”

Chuck Norris once challenged Pistol Pete to a 1 on 1 game. That was last time anyone had ever seen Chuck Norris
Pistol Pete can win a 7-game series in 3 games.
Pistol Pete's granny invented the granny shot.

Pistol Pete ate white chocalate and pooped out jason williams.
Pistol Petes blood is made of dimes
Pistol Pete is raefer alstons father
Pistol Pete can dribble with his penis
Pistol Pete did a crossover and went back in time and brought back chris kaman
Pistol Pete already knows how lebrons career is gonna go because hes already witnessed.
Pistol Pete is a decendant of zues
Pistol Petes crossover killed the dinasours
Pistol Petes crossover broke pangea apart.
Pistol Pete had such good vision he found america first.
Pistol Petes sweat makes gatorade
Pistol Pete went to medical school with Dr.J and the Professor
Pistol Petes jumpshot killed JFK
Pistol Pete proved white men can jump by jumping over the moon”

Pistol Pete was given the nickname “Pistol” because he carried a revolver in his gym shorts to intimidate opposing teams during shoot arounds. He once shot a man for double dribbling.

The Pistol shot over 66% from the 3 point line when it was introduced into the NBA while eating a ham sandwich with his other arm.

The Harlem Globetrotters only have 3 losses in over 15,000 games played. Two of those were solely at the hands of Pistol Pete when he was on the JV squad in high school (103 to 79 and 97 to 96...he had the flu in that one).”

Pistol Pete’s crossover was so filthy he had to get a tetanus shot.

Pistol Pete’s crossover was so good only Stuart Scott could see how he did it.

Pete noticed a flaw in wilt's delivery from the line before his 100-point game, when he went 28-32 from the stripe. He also had 35 assists in the game before going back to being a gleam in his pappy's eye.

Pete figured out a way to make his '67 Nova run on seawater, and was the go to guy for Red Auerbach's Cubans.

Pete got his handles from a seance with Black Jesus and the Houdini of the Hardwood, and gave his top secret hangover cure to Hot Rod Hundley.”

pistol pete once won an nba championship and got the #1 pick for his team. his team re-drafted him.

"pistol pete, why are you so awesome? you're the reason that i'm proud to be from louisiana" is what karl malone recites during every free throw.

in a best of 7 playoff series, pistol pete once came back from a 3-0 deficit to win the series 5-2.

when wilt scored 100 points, pistol pete tallied the assists.”

Pistol Pete was so good that his shadow was the runner up for National Player of the Year.....Three years after he left college.

Pistol Pete could touch MC Hammer.
The framers of the constitution gave Pistol Pete 13/8 of a vote.
Every time Pistol Pete steps on a crack, he breaks someones backboard.
Pistol Pete could turn water into gatorade, and when he played, gatorade had not been invented yet.”

Pistol Pete is called Pistol because he once killed a man with an out of control bounce pass.....

Pistol Pete's jumpshot created the baby boom of the 60's...women got turned on every time pistol hit them jumpers

Pistol Pete and Chunck Norris once played a game of one on one and no winner is yet to be named....earthquakes are the result of this epic game.....

Pistol Pete's crossover is the reason for the emergency system tests on TV.....”
Pistol Pete was such a fast, sharp, passer, that in a champion ship game he once cracked the time barrier, giving the ball to the newest sensation at center, Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln converted the two, securing Pete's assist, but failed to convert the foul shot, enraging assistant coach Booth.

The Latest North Dakota Livin'

2008-04-03T17:52:00-07:00

That picture is a little blurry. My phone doesn't have the best of focus abilities. Regardless, the only thing you need to see in this picture is the temperature. It's still cold out here. It's actually snowing right now. Aint that some ish right there?

Well, despite the cold weather, I've still been living my life real North Dakota style. What does that mean exactly? It means that I've been playing a lot of Smash Brothers and Madden. It means that I've been buying food and CD's from Wal-Mart. It means that I've been pushing the 12 passenger Van from 1st street to 12th and from A to D. It means that as part of a photoshoot I did for SLAM magazine, we took like 50 photo's outside in the snow, leaving me with numb fingers and a frostbitten smile. It means that I have pretty much taken a liking to darts, pool, and blackjack.

What else have I been doing lately? I've been hitting up the local bar circuit again. I gave up on Buck's a long time ago, but I have recently gone back. I decided that as long as I'm not looking for women, Buck's aint that bad. Well, that doesn't necessarily make it good, but it aint bad. Ever since I started playing blackjack (very, very low stakes blackjack), I can stand to be in Buck's for a good hour or so. That does not mean that I didn't see a 300lb. woman bend alllll the way over last night in an attempt to get my attention. It also doesn't mean that 4 different 50 year old women didn't try to get at me just last night. Seriously. I saw one coming and pretended to read the label on my Miller Lite like there was some new information on that bad boy. Still, she tried to talk to me as I paid her no attention, reading away. Finally she grabbed me by the arm and attempted to literally drag me out to the dance floor, at which I point I had to open my mouth and tell her to let go of my coddamn right arm! Talk about aggressive son.

Buck's is old news now, though. The new hotness is Stadium, a place a hated last year because this 300 lb woman was running loose around that place picking people up and tossing them around the way jugglers toss bowling pins through the air. I'm pretty sure at one point she had me, Kevin Lyde, and Matteen Cleaves in the air like a coddamn pizza chef would have his dough.

Now that she's gone, the crew and I spend a couple nights a week there. Since there is no longer the threat of the female beast roaming the area, some of the excitement is gone. Still, there are some sights to behold. Last time I was there, there were a group of kids wearing metallic jackets, parachute pants, and other 80's, Michael Jackson / MC Hammer / Vanilla Ice type gear drinking their heads off. I, personally, could never drink that much while wearing such outfits because I would forget that I look like KAZAAM and I might go to Perkin's (like Denny's) at the end of the night dressed like a seven foot tall black genie. These kids really didn't seem to care. Right after the bar closed, they went outside, turned the music up real high on their car stereo, and proceded to dance to the music. With all four car doors open, these guys drunkenly took over the parking lot and danced. First they danced to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt," then followed that performance up with a dance inspired by Spice Girls "Wannabe."

As you watch the video, you have to notice to subtlties such as the guy with the briefcase (obviously there are no briefs inside). He uses his breifcase as a dance prop so well that you have to assume that this whole thing was rehearsed, but then again, I saw how many shots he took in the bar, there's no way he could remember that kind of choreography.

It's been about more than bars though. I've gotten out of the house during the day too. I went to watch some of the North Dakota high school state basketball tourney a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't exactly call this place a hotbed of talent, but the kids played hard and they were big games so there was entertainment value. The high school atmosphere was crazy too. There's nothing like watching the Dickinson "Midgets" compete. I personally took a liking to a sign that the Bismarck High "Demons" had on display:

"Rah rah knee, kick em in the knee. Rah rah rass, kick em in the other knee." Really? I found this sign to be awesome because it makes it seem like the school fight song calls for kicking of the knees. My high school fight song was not nearly as aggressive.

Anyways, I was in Wal-Mart the other day (what else is new?) and I noticed something. Tell me if you notice the ridiculousness of the situation:

I guess there are a few things funny about this. For starters, ETHNIC hair care? Coddamn that makes it easy. Instead of asking where the du-rags were located, I should have asked the customer service rep where the ethnic $#!T was at. It's also funny because most of the things in the "ethnic" section are also found in various other parts of the store. Coco butter is also in the lotion section. Hair nets have no ethnicity and thus are also found on the next aisle as well. I guess somebody decided what black people needed and put it all right there. Boom. A lot of it aint even hair care stuff, it's just black stuff. No other ethnicities are represented whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if "Boyz In The Hood," and "Friday" were also sold in the Ethnic hair care section right next to the Magnum XL's. Lastly, and the funniest part about it, THERE ARE NO BLACK PEOPLE IN NORTH DAKOTA! There's no need to sell all this when the Dakota Wizards are the only people who might buy it. I'll tell you what this reminds me of:

BTGOM: March... Hella Late I Know

2008-04-02T23:35:15-07:00

I've been really drained lately. I guess thats how it goes at the end of the season. I'm just very mentally drained right now, as a result, I've been slackin on my BTGOM's. This won't happen again. My apologies.

Anyways, it's late, but so what? I know who gets the title for March, 2008. I've actually been tracking this girl for a year now. Tracking would appear to be a sophisticated way to say stalking, but I wont say it's the same thing. I just happened to take notice early and I have yet to stop noticing.

Let me ask you something. What are the last car brands you consider buying? Let's pretend that you had $40,000 to spend on a new whip, I'm sure your first thought wouldn't be Saturn. If you're younger than 77 years old, it wouldn't be Buick. For me, one of those brands used to be Mercury. i just always considered Mercury to be a bootleg Ford. I don't like Ford, so why would I like Mercury? I now have a reason: Jill Wagner.

I'm not sure exactly when Jill started doing these commercials, but I know I'm not the only person who takes notice. I feel like the whole Boom Tho Movement should be taking notice. Her MySpace profile says that she is single and living in L.A. that's funny, because I too am single and will be in L.A. this summer. It almost worked with Julia Allison I feel like it should just be a thing we do from now on. I already sent her a message. Let's see what develops.

Before I conclude, I want to take this thing to the next level. I want people to submit potential Boom Tho girls to me via e-mail for the next week or two. They don't have to be celebrities, but Boom Tho worthy as you see it. After I get a good amount of submissions, I'll put up a thing so people can vote for the next girl. That's the way it should be. Interactivity is real hot right now. Hollar.

The Top 5: Arcade Games

2008-04-02T23:35:06-07:00

So I watched this video, which is awesome, and it reminded me of Street Fighter at the arcade. I remember the days when every arcade game cost a quarter. Well a quarter soon became fifty cents. Fifty cents soon became 75. Games went from 2-D joystick fun to sit down, stand up, Wii style action. You need a coddamn pre-paid card just to play anything anymore. I digress.

I started thinking about the best arcade games. I started thinking about all the classics. It lead me to one conclusion: that I needed to list them so you could help me reminisce about the best of the best. I decided that maybe I should do a list anyway because there are a lot of TMRB list worthy things out there. So, this will be the first list. The top 5 arcade games of all time are:

5: Pac Man

Since I'm 23 years old, people were playing Pac Man at the arcade before I knew how to spell arcade. I'm pretty sure this is my mom's favorite game, which just goes to show that Pac Man brings generations together. I honestly think she is better than me at it. I have a terrible habit of getting the coddamn power pellets too early because I'd panic if a ghost got too close.

4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Arcade Game

I'm not sure, but I think this was the first game to have four person co-op action. Whether it was or wasn't, it was still the first game to teach children all about dangerous weapons, genetics, The Renaissance, and pizza. Donatello had the long range, but slower attacks. Leonardo had the flashy sword and a non-nonsense style, while Raph and Mikey were quick and ruthless. If you got hurt, all you needed was a slice of Pizza to get you going again. If you got really hurt, you might need to find that whole pizza to save the day. Got 3 friends and 4 quarters? Take on the foot in this epic arcade game. Dont forget some extra quarters because a continue or two will be necessary to keep all four together.

3: NBA Jam

Left, Right, A, B, B, A. Left, Right, A, B, B, A. That was the code I always entered to get the full court dunks going on my SNES. The arcade version was different though. Still, you wanna talk about a great game. The graphics son!? The graphics!? No way did they have real looking faces on these players. Three makes in a row and you're on fire. Want to play as the Vancouver Grizzlies? Then it looks like you've gotta hook up with Shareef Abdur Raheem and "Big Country" Bryant Reeves. No MJ on this bad boy, but you could take BJ Armstrong and Scotty to the top if you knew what you were doing. In fact, why not enter a code and play as Frank Thomas (Chicago White Sox) and pair him with scotty. Game, set, match, bitch.

2. Street Fighter II

This may have been the first game to try to bring together all of the worlds cultures, only to have them beat the $#!T out of each other. Take it to Brazil with Blanka, keep it sexy with the Spanish flair Vega brought to the table, or fight the good fight with Guile. The odd the thing about this game was that you very rarely fought in the street. If you were Guile, you fought in front of a ship which I always referred to as the "USS Beat Down." Blanka fought in front of his jungle home. Vega was a straight up cage match waiting to happen.

Street Fighter II was the first and only game that I could never win. My Hadukens were too weak. My E-Honda fast hands were too slow. My Blank electrocution move always left me assed-out. Still, this game was so hot, they turned into a movie starting Jean Claude Van Damme. I was already inspired by Blood Sport, but then he did this, taking Street Fighter to the next level.

1: Mortal Kombat II

I still remember the day I first discovered Mortal Kombat. The fat kid that my brother was friends with had a GameBoy and brought it over one day when I was 8 years old. Next thing I know, I'm at the Arcade wasting the quarters I took from the couch trying to perfect my moves.

As good as Street Fighter was, Mortal Kombat was even better. Street Fighter proved to be conservative and dry compared to Mortal Kombat. Blood was everywhere, and fatalities changed the game forever. And let's not forget about those graphics son! The graphics!

There was no internet back then, so the only way to know about the fatalities was to buy the official Prima strategy guide. After my friend got that guide, we picked our characters based on how solid the fatalities were. Mortal Kombat introduced fatalities, but what people tend to forget about MKII is that there were now "Friendships" and "Babalities." Babalities were really, really lame, but Friendships, if executed with the right character were nothing short of amazing. I hated playing as Johnny Cage, but if I did, and I won, please believe I was gonna friendship your ass in a heartbeat. The deep voiced announcer would say "Friendship! Friendship!" Then Johnny would whip out a photo of himself, autograph it, and display it so that your opponent could know that there were no hard feelings and that you could still be a fan and a friend.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Donkey Kong, Centipede, Dance Dance Revolution, Tekken, Space Invaders, The Simpsons.

This is my list, if you think youve got a better one, don't hesitate to put it out there in comment form. Hollar.

Boom Tho Gear

2008-04-02T00:30:18-07:00

Quickly, I want to let people know that if you haven't yet received your shirt, it's backordered and you have not yet been charged. The shirts are coming and hopefully will ship in the next two weeks. These new shirts are actually better as they do not have a PONY logo on the back, but instead they have another graphic on the back that says "It's a Movement!"

If you did already get your gear, excellent. Take some pix doing Boom Tho things and email them to me. You might make it in the next video, blog, or whatever! Email to rzb0@yahoo.com.

Stay tuned for more info, or email me if you have further questions. Look out for more hotness coming this summer too! Boom tho!

BoomThoMovement.com

2008-02-26T22:24:46-08:00

I started another site with the sole purpose of promoting the boom tho movement. All the boom tho related videos are over there, as well as the boom tho button, among other things.

The Boom Tho gear (only shirts for now) will also be sold there, starting march 1st. The site will be updated regularly with Boom Tho news and info. I'll be working on some sort of registration or email list that will allow me to let members of the movement know ahead of time when the new videos will drop or what the movement has in store, especially since Pony will have a lot of gear dropping this summer.

I'll keep you posted.

Boom Tho Girl of the Month: February

2008-02-21T15:52:37-08:00

Due to busyness on my end, I'm a little late on the new Boom Tho Girl of the month. I had planned to coordinate the "Boom Tho Girl" video with the Feb. GOTM (Girl of the Month), but sadly, I have been overwhelmed with All-Star stuff and Yahoo!

Anyways, first things first. Thanks to everyone who emailed Julia Allison my behalf. To be honest, I emailed her on my behalf as well. Somewhat surprisingly, she responded to me. Wanna know what she said? Good, I thought so:

Hi Rod!!

You're a bundle of joy. Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl ;) I
will put
it in my official biography, for sure. :) :)

A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually - with really
positive
comments about you!! You have a ton of fans ;)

God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all
night
working and am more than a little loopy!!

Anyway, I think you're fabulous!

Xo
julia

Let's take a moment to analyze what just happened here. I'll go sentence by sentence.

"You're a bundle of joy" -- She is already calling me her baby. Good sign.

"Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl ;) I will put it in my official biography for sure:):)" -- She wants to let our love unfurl.

"A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually -- with really positive comments about you!! You have a ton of fans;)" -- Peer pressure got to her, it would seem.

"God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all night working and am more than a little loopy!!" -- She has been uncontrollably winking and smiling all night because of me.

"Anyway, I think you're fabulous!" -- She thinks I would be the perfect father for her children, obviously.

Now that that's done, it's time to introduce the new Boom Tho GOTM. I guess I'll start with a story about her because I actually know this one, or knew her back in the day.

When I was in high school, I wasn't very big time at all. I was actually a ridiculously late bloomer as evidenced here in this very good retelling of my high school days. I always had a kind of attitude that allowed me to lie to myself and think that I was something more than I was, and that helped me to where I am now. I never settled for what I was supposed to settle for.

That being said, girls weren't exactly a different story. I could have maybe gotten with some of the riff raff (you know what I mean), but I always aspired to get with the girls that were way out of my league. Well, like Seth in "Superbad", I was fatefully partnered with a certain girl for autoshop class. She was easily one of the best looking girls out of the 3200 students at Torrey Pines High and for some reason she was partnered with me.

Needless to say I was happy to be have an opportunity to show my charisma and charm on a daily basis. We changed oil and rotated tires. We laughed about how useless most of the work was and preferred to do most our assignments on her BMW rather than on my 88 Cadillac Coupe DeVille.

I felt like we were flirtatious enough at the time for me to possibly turn a corner. You gotta understand that a facebook poke didn't exist back then, so I was gonna have to do something else if I wanted to get her to go to prom with "just enough Rod Benson". I, being the computer nerd I was (this was before computer nerds were fashionable), made a "Will you go to prom with me?" website that I was going to show her during lunch. I knew she'd say yes because I was the man.

Well, I walked her into the library where the computers were, but before we reached the computer area, the second bell rang. The second bell meant get your ass to class or else.

"What were you going to show me anyway?" she asked me.

"I'll show you later, don't worry," I responded.

Lunch ended, class began, and dreams were shattered. Right after school she was asked by somebody else. That same day I was so close, but ousted by the second lunch bell.

We continued our flirtatious ways during class and when we graduated, we agreed to meet up in LA when I played UCLA. She said she was gonna go up there to be a model. Three weeks after graduation her phone number changed and we didn't speak again.

Two years later, I was watching TV and this commercial came on:

I kept telling people things like "I used to change her oil, if you know what I mean," I don't think they even believed it in the literal way I meant it. I guess she ended up being pretty big time doing whatever it was she was doing.

So, since it's my site and I can do whatever I want with whatever I want, I've decided that she will be the second Boom Tho GOTM. Her name is Callie Garrison, and a long time ago I rotated her tires, if you know what I mean. Like I took the tires off her car and put them back on is what I mean. Now she has a boyfriend and all that, so she's not exactly ready like spaghetti. Still, she's the Old Spice girl and I'm the leader of the Boom Tho movement. Guess, I'm still a computer nerd, but it's fashionable now.

Is it O.K.?

2008-02-20T08:04:14-08:00

This is very simple. I am going to ask a question, then tell the story behind it, then ask the question again. Is it O.K.?

1. Is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while on an airplane?

I was flying somewhere recently. Since I was on the inside and there was very little room, the arm rest of lifted up. What this meant was that the guy next to me was already rubbing shoulders with me for the entire flight. I guess that's how it goes.

Well, I fell asleep and I woke up to elbow bumping me. I look over and this guy has his hands on his balls, scratching those bad boys like a coddamn scratch and sniff sticker. Guy's elbow was bumping only because of the ferocity of the ball scratch. I looked at him in the eye and waited for him to stop, but he didn't. The scratching only came to a halt when I coughed extremely loud to get his attention. Still, he didn't look like he was ashamed or sorry. He actually looked a little annoyed.

So, I ask you, is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while SCRATCHING YOUR BALLS on an airplane?

2. Is it O.K. to copy your friends business card?

Last year about this time, I thought it would be cool to have a business card that had the toomuchrodbenson.com on it. While trying to figure out what else to put on there, I decided on my phone number, email address, and "professional basketball player" for the work info. Still, I thought that it needed something more. It needed something that defined me and separated me from everyone else with the boring card.

JGant and I talked about it and he suggested that I use my MySpace display name: "The Renaissance Man". It was a great idea. I already go be that name on myspace, so why not add it to the card to give it a kick on hilarity? My final card said that I was a "Professional Basketball Player / Renaissance Man". It always gets a good reaction.

Well, a few months later, JGant called me and told me that his card had finally been ordered. I was excited because we hadn't talked about the card issue since I had gotten mine in the mail. I asked him what his looked like and he emailed me the preview picture.

J. Gant Renaissance Man
Boom Tho 415- XXX-XXXX

I was like "Jason, what the hell is this?"

"What you mean what is this?" he asked.

"I mean why does your card say that you are the renaissance man?"

"I couldn't figure out what to put so I just put that. It just works so well."

"Well, it's on my card too buddy. Now we are just team renaissance?"

"It's not like we will give them to the same people, Rod."

"Of course we will! We do all the same things with all the same people! This is ricodamdiculous right now."

The dialogue continued for a while, but it was too late. JGant and I now had the same title on our cards. Not just any title, but MY title, and a memorable ad distinguishable title at that. Great, just great.

So around new years when I was down in LA, the two of us went to AREA nightclub to get our party on. I got in before J and went right to the bar. The bartender was very attractive and flirtatious, so I stayed there for a long time. I ordered all my drinks from her and kept my dancing to that part of the club. Well when the night was done, I went to hand her my card, just in case you know, and she starts reading it.

"Is this a joke?" she asked me.

"No, no jokes here," I answered in my best 'get the girl' voice.

"Well, your friend, the other renaissance man, already gave me his card earlier."

I walked away. I kept walking until I found JGant.

"You gave her your card too! The coddamn renaissance man!"

"What you mean bro? The bartender? Oh yea, she said I had no chance so I just slid her the card real quick."

"No way. I did have a chance and the renaissance man thing killed it. I knew this was happen."

So, I ask you, is it ok to copy your friends business card?

3. Is it OK to act crazy in the street late at night?

The story behind this can be seen right here:

Ill go ahead and answer that for you... Of course it's ok to act crazy in the street when "Boom Got Them DOS!'' is the reason why!

Valentines Day

2008-02-13T00:51:55-08:00

That is all. Enjoy.

Funny MySpace Messages 9!

2008-01-24T12:22:21-08:00

You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won't waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let's do it...

I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...

Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u

When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.

Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good

This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:

It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?

Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.

"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."

Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States

Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?

Moving on..

Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...

I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:

....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"

I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:

Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.

Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.

Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:

and then you could send me this:

Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .

Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":

"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"

I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:

Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.

I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.

Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....

I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.

From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM

U SEXY AS HELL

Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.

Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.

Then there were Zac and Robb...

From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM

sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla

From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM

Beautiful eyez yo!

Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?

It still only got worse for Clay:

From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM

hi sexy

"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:

"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."

So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."

Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:

For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:

Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me

There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.

Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:

Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy

Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.

Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy

Nope, still nothing...

Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?

Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.

Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?

This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.

I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):

"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"

Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:

Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:

from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water.

from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over

from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet

Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.

Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...

Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?

Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you.

OF COURSE!

Just in Case you Haven't Seen The Rockumentary

2008-01-16T00:58:49-08:00

It's all about Rock Band, the game. Here it is:

Boom Tho Girl of the Month (I had some code error before which cut off the entry, look again)

2008-01-11T08:58:35-08:00

Lately I've been thinking about something. Jenna Fischer is a great woman to have as number 4 of the Boom Tho movement, but lets be realistic, she may be just a tad too big time. I mean, let's face it, I can't even get into an L.A. nightclub when I'm TRYING to buy a table. What makes me think I have the social clout to entertain Jenna Fischer?

Well, these thoughts led me to a new idea. I figure that Jenna Fischer is THE Boom Tho girl forever, like the numero uno all the time, but maybe there are other girls out there who are big time, but hopefully not too big time to respond to an email or a myspace message or something. Maybe I can list a girl who may lead a lifestyle that could lead to us meeting up one day. Is that so crazy?

I came to this conclusion one day while I was browsing the Yahoo! home page. I always look at the latest news topics and try to find stories that interest me. On this day there was a relationship article right on the front page. I think it said something about why good looking women get with ugly men. I wondered the same thing. I figured I could click on the article and learn something I didn't know. Well, when I clicked on the article, I noticed immediately who wrote it: Julia Allison. Normally it's guys like this who write these articles, but not this time.

I immediately had to find out who this girl was. Her bio said to check out her blog, JuliaAllison.com so I did. Right then I decided that she needed to be a boom tho girl. The more I found out about her writing, her T.V. correspondent work, and the fact that she dressed up as a Rubik's cube for halloween, I knew that somehow I had to make room for her on TMRB and recognize her for being an all around big time individual.

So, without further adieu, I introduce Julia Allison as the first Boom Tho girl of the month. I figure maybe I'll send her a boom tho shirt or something (oh yea, if you're looking for a shirt, I have been told they will be here in the next week...we'll see) to show how highly she is regarded. I mean, she writes for yahoo, I write for yahoo. She has a blog, I have a blog. She is on T.V., I watch T.V. I feel like this could go somewhere. If only there was like a yahoo office building. Then I could be Jim and she could be Pam and we could be good. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

...doesn't get much hotter.

Sometimes the Night Ain't Right

2008-01-08T11:08:35-08:00

I was at Buck's again walking around as usual. It was like a Wednesday or something so there was almost nobody there. I walked around with a dazed look on my face for a little while. Finally my dazed look turned into one that said "I've given up for tonight." I started thinking about whether I was going to play Madden or Halo when I got home when someone interrupted my thought process.

"Don't look at me," some girl yelled from the middle of the dance floor. My eyes refocused as I came out of my day dream. I was looking at her, completely accidentally. It hit me then that she was not worth looking at. I hate to say it, but she was just not attractive at all. She came at me with the don't look at her bit and yet I would just as quickly come back at her with the same line.... So I did.

"What?! How about you don't look at me?" I fired back. Both of us got our wish.

5 minutes later I was still there, waiting for the place to pick up a little bit. Another girl walked up to me and told me there was something on my shirt. She pointed her finger towards my chest at the spot. I looked down and sure enough her finger came up into my face like we were in third grade. Seriously. While she was playfully laughing, I walked away. No way was I going to stand for such games.

Now it really was time to leave. I started heading towards the door when someone grabbed my hand. I turned around and looked down to see a 60 year old woman looking back up at me. Maybe she wasn't 60, but coddamn she was old regardless.

"Do you want to dance?" she asked me.

The night had already been ridiculous enough in the last 30 minutes, I guess I could at least dance one song with her to be nice.

"Sure. Why not?"

She walked me over to the dance floor. I grabbed her hands and proceeded to dance with her like anyone would dance with a woman 3 times their age. I danced with her like she was my grandmother. Straight up ball room dance style. I don't really know the waltz, but this was as close as I could get to waltz style dancing.

Granny and I continued this style for a couple minutes, then, out of nowhere, she turned around and attempted to break me off like a 50 Cent video girl. I rarely ever feel ashamed on the dance floor, but this was an exception. I couldn't believe this old woman was doing this. I especially couldn't believe she was doing this to ME. After my shock wore off, I turned and walked away from the dance floor. It was just too much.

She followed me and grabbed my hand again.

"Please please please dance with me for another song. Please?"

Now was the real decision time. It was obvious that she wanted more than a dance now. There was no way I was going to do anything more than dance, and I definitely had no intention of dancing like that. Why head back out there with her? What would I have to gain?

Right then I threw my camera to my teammate and told him to record what was about to happen. I decided I would dance so ridiculously and at such an absurd pace that she couldn't handle it. I figured I could always watch the video and laugh at the most seductive dancing that will ever occur between myself and someone with an AARP card. Well, at least until I have my own card if you know what I mean.

We headed back over to the dance floor. Right before we started up again, she slipped a piece of paper with her phone number on it into my hand. Gross. That almost stopped me, but I looked over at my teammates who assured me that the show must go on. It did:

How old is too old these days? I mean there has always been a kind of man fantasy to get the older girl, but seriously, this is way too old. The fact that she thought it was O.K. was ridiculous. The fact that I went along with it was preposterous. The fact that nobody there found it unusual is almost upsetting. Either way I skipped right out to the van and left right after the display. I've been told that she then gave her number to another guy on my team. Gross. Just gross.

I'll Get You Sooner or Later

2007-12-30T14:31:26-08:00

My friend Stephanie sells commercial real estate over the phone. I guess her company is supposed to be the largest online yada yada commerical whatever you get the point. Stephanie constantly tells me about how hard her job is because people will consistently berate her because Americans don't really appreciate tele-marketers. I guess she has to call these people up and spark their interest in commercial real estate, but she deals with obscene language, and people who say they will call her back, but never do. I've heard it from her time and time again.

Stephanie on the right

Well, I told her I would call in and pretend to be one of these difficult individuals and just basically give her a hard time. I told her that I would mask my voice and do my best to give her trouble on a day when she would least expect it. I first called about 3 months ago. I tried to do a southern accent, unfortunately she knew my voice and she had caller I.D. on her work phone, so my efforts were thwarted.

A couple weeks ago I had a great idea. I decided I would get her by having my Trinidadian teammate call her using his caribbean accent and his 917 area code phone. What you are about to see is the video of him calling her company one morning and talking with an unprepared Stephanie. Notice how he switches from using his accent to talking perfect english just to be more confusing. He even says my name as a reference, but she still can't figure it out:

She promptly called him back and continued to be very confused:

She later told me that she was crying tears of relief when she found out that it was all a prank. Seriously. Even after I picked up she still didn't know what was going on. I had to calm her down. All I have to say is that when I say I'm gonna get you, I'll get you.

Best of the Worst

2007-12-30T13:01:22-08:00

It's very tough to get me angry. I pretty much find the funny side to everything in life. So even when someone comes at me with the utmost disrespect I laugh it off. That being said, I figured I would relay a couple things that have been said to me that I find hilarious.

At a house party:

I was at a small gathering at a house next door to my apartment socializing when someone said "I could, but it's so big and hard". I don't know what they were talking about, but I, of course, said "that's what she said". I always say it because it always works. Well, also because Michael Scott is my hero.

Anyway, some guy who I DIDN'T know interrupted the mild laugher of the room and said "you know he always says that right? Like he didn't make that up or anything".

I looked at him and thought to myself that he just addressed the room as if I wasn't standing right in front of him. Then I realized that I didn't know him at all. Then I said "I mean, yea I do. It always works".

"Right. I get it", he said back.

Hilarious. I wasn't even mad. I was more impressed that he had the balls to come at me like that not knowing exactly how crazy I could be. I could be a psycho who fights for no reason. Luckily I'm not. Besides he was actually right. I do say that all the time.

Yahoo! Hilarity:

Ever since I started posting on Yahoo! I have noticed a difference in the blog comments. See, people come here because they want to read what I have to say. Yahoo! readers are people who could care less sometimes so their comments can reflect their lack of Rod Benson support.

One recent comment had me laughing so hard. I was writing about what makes a good fan, which was a complete joke in the first place, and this guy said that my #4 (sober up) was once violated by me:

"in regards to #4 I was personally at the Cal @ UCLA football game in 2005 where an injured and intoxicated Rod Benson was talking way too much trash in line to enter the Rose Bowl. Not only does that violate rule #4, but he was heckling some 5'2'' blonde sorority girls who, also intoxicated, naturally returned the banter. Offended, the 6'10'' Benson thought it was a personal attack and actually approached the girls face-to-face (or as close as possible) as if wanting to make the argument physical. I literally had to hold this chump back while he was pelted with wrappers and water bottles for making such a fool out of himself. What a hypocrite... I hope he never makes the league. oh and I failed to mention that I am a Cal fan too... and he was always a chump. He did nothing for the Bears."

Hahahahahahaha. Mann. First of all I even say in the post that I AM NOT A GOOD FAN. I can't be a hypocrite. Regardless, none of it is serious. The best part of this is that what he said is somewhat true. On my 21st birthday (of course I drank that day, actually the most I ever had in 24 hours) I went to watch a Cal-UCLA football game. While entering the game from the UCLA ticket entrance (my tickets would only allow for this entrance), I decided to help a couple of Cal fans who were in the back of the line cut up to the front with me. The girl was mad that I helped them cut and started yelling me. I came back at her, and I'll be honest I took it real far, but it ended quickly, I got the Cal guys in with me, and enjoyed the game until we lost. Nobody threw anything at me, nobody was going to fight, and I can bet with 99% certainty that this guy couldn't hold me back if I did need holding back. People only get held back when they want to. As if I would hit a girl anyways. I honestly believe that the guy who wrote this was one of the cal fans I helped cut in line, which would be hilarious. If not, then oh well.

It's really funny that he would hope I never make the NBA. People only have so many hopes in life and one of his hopes is that I have no success? Mann my hopes include but are not limited to: meeting Jenna Fischer, playing an NBA game, getting the #1 Madden ranking, and earning a spot on "The Real World". I can only assume his hopes include: the failure of Rod Benson, world domination, maybe even unlimited pornographic website access. Plus, it's so funny that I am a chump now, but I would be there were many opportunities for him to call me a chump at Cal. Oh well. College is a funny place. That's why I loved it so much.

Why I Hate Rod Benson:

To be honest, the first blog I ever read was titled "Why I Hate Rod Benson". It was my senior year at Cal and some girls on the track team came to me and said that a guy on the track team had a website about why he hated me. Naturally, I went and checked it out as soon as I could. I thought it was pretty funny too. He called me goofy repeatedly and said that I had a crush on his girlfriend (not true, but obviously the real reason for the whole thing), but cited a very specific incident as the main reason.

He said that one night at a party, he was changing the party music on the computer when a cup of beer hit him in the head. When he turned around to see what happened "who did [he] see running out the door? Rod Motha$#%$n Benson". Oh man I nearly pissed my pants when I read this stuff. I remember it all so clearly and it was funny then too. Someone was mad that this guy was changing the music so they threw a full cup of beer on him. I was laughing so hard at the situation that I knew I would be the most conspicuous person there, so I tried to leave before I was framed with a crime I didn't commit. Alas, I was still framed.

Well, there are two things I will never do that he claims I did. I will never waste a beer. There are too many sober kids in India. I will also never throw liquid near a computer. I love computers far too much to see them damaged by a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Poem Game Pt. 2

2007-12-17T21:57:29-08:00

Sometimes you want more than just a meal. Sometimes you need a little spice in your life. Sometimes you need to play the poem game. A place like Ft. Wayne, Indiana can have that affect on you. Maybe it's the blistering cold, or the wind that makes in colder. Maybe it's the four day roadtrip that makes you glad to get back to Bismarck, but somewhere along the way you get real hyped for some poem game.

Before I begin, I want to make it perfectly clear that these poems are not copyrgithed or anything. Steal these, rewrite em, use em. Why not? If I help someone out there discover their gift of charm and use it to thier advantage, great. Nothing would delight me more!

Now, where was I? Oh yea. So, we got to IHOP a couple of days ago for a game day breakfast. I am personally a fan of the Rooty Tooty meal, so I ordered one. You know the Rooty Tooty. 2 eggs, 2 bacon, 2 suasage, 2 ham slices, hash browns and 2 fruit covered pancakes. So sweet and delicious. While waiting for my food, I decided that I would try my hand at the poem game. I mean, success was not really the goal here, but entertainment was at a premium so I decided to give it a go. I asked our server for a pen and got to work.

Here's what I came up with:

Last night I stepped off the plane
In a random place called Ft. Wayne

Then at breakfast I saw a beautiful dame
And tried to read her Ihop nametag for a name

Like my Rooty Tooty you look so sweet
The type of girl I'd like to meet

Just like the breakfast on my tray
You could be the most important part of my day

We're here to play hoops, our game's tomorrow
And I'll surely be filled with sorrow

If I gave you tickets to the game -- to go
And you turned them down with a quick 'no!'

Come to our game tomorrow?

I asked our server to hand it to one of the other servers as two of my teammates looked on. We were all giddy to see what would happen. At the very least entertainment was sure to follow.

Our server handed it to the target who we clearly heard say "No way!"

We then watched closely as she read it and smiled and laughed. We continued to watch as she invited EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE in the building over to take a read. Seriously, she even had the cooks come out of the kitchen to gander at the poem. The whole show and tell process took a good ten minutes. We were starting to become impatient.

Finally, our server returned with a little note and handed it to me.

"I can't I have to work! Sorry. (Heart) Staci
Good luck at your game!"

Shucks, not even a witty response. I didn't really mind it, but my teammates were annoyed by the lack of a response. They called her over to the table.

"Hold on girl. This aint how the poem game works. You gotta write a poem back," one of them chimed in.

"I'm not good at poetry though. I'm sorry," such admitted.

"Well then you gotta leave a phone number or an email address or a myspace or something."

She laughed and walked away. They still were not content though. They called her back over again. I remained silent. My entertainment was growing. I decided to just take it in.

"Look. I didn't even write it, he did. But I feel embarrsassed for him. You're just gonna be like that huh?"

She broke down and wrote on the same piece of paper as the rejection:

"myspace name trixie"

It wasn't a lot, but it was the most we were going to get out of this. We let it go and went back to the hotel where we immediately searched for and found her on myspace. I mean, why not? We were still real bored with nothing else to do. This is the message we sent:

Subject: Poem Game!!!

Message: What's going on? Sorry we came on so strong today while you were working, but sometimes I just feel compelled to write a poem.

Anyways, you should let us know whats up for tomorrow night. It's friday, and it looks like you like to go out and everything. We will definitely try to head out tomorrow so just hollar.

Also, check me out at:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/nba_experts?author=Rod+Bens
on

Rod

After we sent this message we figured it would be the end. We would be called stalkers, which was fine, and we would go about our lives.

Well, a couple hours later I got this:

"Hey! Im actually really suprised to hear from you. Wasnt expecting that. Its okay about what happened today. Sorry if I came off mean or a bitch to you guys. We get a lot of guys come in and try to mess with you while your working n I just dont have a lot of patience for that. You guys seemed really cool though. What time is that game tomorrow because i talked to my girlfriend and if we get off work in time to go to your game, im so down to go. So I guess just lemme know whats up. I thought the poem was really sweet, so since I forgot to say thank you, thank you."

I guess in the end, the poem is always a successful tool. I mean I guess I didn't have intention of dating this girl or anything, just wanted to invite her to the game. I'm still not sure if she came or not, but we had fun on a day when no fun was to be had. I have a feeling that we will be doing this all the time.

I'm Only Half of the Movement

2007-12-17T09:41:24-08:00

My teammates and I were riding through the streets of Bismarck on the way home from practice when I got a call.

I picked up the phone and said "What's up bro?"

"Bro, what's up?" was the reply.

We start every conversation the same. JGant was calling to congratulate me on a few things. What a stand up guy.

Well, sometime during the conversation, one of my teammates figured out who I was talking to.

Will Frisby interrupted my conversation. "Hold up. Is that JGant?"

"Sure is baby," I replied.

"Man you gotta ask him to sing his part of the song!"

"O.K."

I asked JGant to sing his little hook from Boom Got Them DOS! At first he was hesistant, but after some light convincing he shouted out over speakerphone: "What you think you comin to my room fo?! You already know it's BOOM THO!"

A few days later while eating dinner in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Will asked me to call JGant again. This time WIll picked up the phone and told JGant that he was a big fan. I think Will even said he was a JGant admirer.

I'm not sure how JGant responded to having his first admirer, but I don't quite think he was ready for that kind of love. He should be though. If I am going to promote the Boom Tho! movement, then he has to be ready for the big time and stay ready to give boomisms at the drop of a dime. I figured I would take the time to speed up the process.

If we were a cartoon we'd be in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'd obviously be a combination of Leonardo and Donatello. Not only do I lead, but I also do machines (that's a fact Jack!). Clay (the DOS! camera man) would be Raphael because he is cool but rude. JGant would be Michaelangelo, the party dude.

Clay likes to call refer to us like the show Entourage. He calls me Vinny Chase. I am nowhere near that class of awesome, but it's fun to hear. It's like shooting a fade-away at the park and yelling "Jordan!". I'm not even close, but I can pretend. Clay calls himself E the manager. And JGant is a mix between Johnny Drama and Turtle.

When we all get together there is a mix of ready spaghetti, swimwear that's always in there, and we already know it's Boom Tho! Sometimes I have to sock JGant in the balls to help him out, but for the most part he is the guy that really gets the party going. He's pretty much just always gong wild. You should watch the videos again and look beyond the terrible lyrics or vocal ability and look at the man. He's one silly summabitch:

Jgant is very good at being the Michaelangelo/Johnny Drama/Turtle. As we look forward to the third video, expect JGant to have his coming out party, because I'm not going anywhere without him.

I watch a Male Modeling Show...Every Week.

2007-12-11T14:31:52-08:00

I'm with 6 of my teammates. It's movie night so we all have the popcorn out watching Superbad on my 73 inch T.V. Right after the fight scene outside the random party where the guy says that his "tiger got out of the cage", I jump out of my seat and tell everyone to hold on. I grab the remote, still shocked that I almost forgot, take the T.V. off of DVD mode and put it back on cable box. I look through the channel guide until I find the Oxygen network. Boom. I set the DVR to record "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" which starts in 2 minutes, look around the room at the stunned faces staring back at me, then return to the movie.

My teammates didn't understand what I did. Too bad for them. I knew full well that my pants down dancing parter Christian Prelle was making his T.V. debut that night. He was selected by Janice as one of her models to headline her newly created Latin division

Rell, as he called by those who know him, was my teammate and my roommate for a year at CAL. This is the same guy who was right along side me as I went through my "I'm gonna take a megaphone with me everywhere I go just to cause a scene" phase. This is the guy who used to cook SPAM like it was some sort of delicasy. This is the same guy who was a part of my very first music video. You will never see this video because it was a valentines day video where I said sweet nothings to my then girlfriend. I will tell you that we had a line that went:

"(my part) Zero and RELL with their two breezes,
like pasta shells with the finest cheeses,
(Rell's part) when they're away it aint no fun,
like mid summer, without the sun"

Rell is the only person will literally, always challenge me for the attention of the room. However, when we combine our forces, it is always an event. Whether it's beating halo on co-op mode, watching The Hills (I call him Spencer and he hates it), or pants down dancing, we always get it done. We definitely bring out the cockiness in one another. In fact, we kind of have a credo that we took from The Sandlot: "Heroes live forever, but legends never die."

With that said, this modeling thing has given me soooo much to make fun of him for. There are so many emails going back and forth within the former CAL hoops group that involve this guy right now. I mean this is the guy who would head butt a guy who looked at him the wrong way, now he's taken on a whole new persona.

Pictures of RELL used to look like this:

Solid, right? Rell is a tough looking, party loving animal. These were the days when modeling was just a distant thought on an ambitious day. Now his pictures tend to look like this:

Notice the hair. That coddamn hair! Cmon Rell! I'm sure he didn't have to make his hair look like that, but somewhere along the way he bought it. Oh well, it got him a big time modeling gig.

You may be reading this thinking that you haven't really seen anything so bad. This is true. See, there were two before pictures, and there are two after pictures. I just need to set up the second one a little bit first. This picture was emailed to me the second it was discovered. Upon receipt, I immediately forwarded it to everyone I knew. I then proceeded to call Rell up and he didn't answer...for obvious reasons. I wouldn't answer my phone either if I discovered this:

Wow. The prices we pay for success! For starters, this picture is on a site called MEN.BGAY.COM. No way right now. No way. Then you look at this thing and you see that a guy has his head on Rell's thigh. Then you see that this guy is wearing lace underwear, which is gross. Then you see that Rell has his arm on this guys side. Then you see that that same arm is rubbing against Guy #2's balls. When he signed up for Janice Dickinson I doubt that he envisioned this picture ever being taken. Beyond that he definitely didn't think it would ever surface, but it did.

So I've built Rell up and knocked him down. Now, I'll hype him right back up. You need to watch this guys show. Seriously. I think it comes on Tuesdays at 9:30pm. If nothing else you get to see a former macho guy get naked and take funny pictures and witness the mental conflict he struggles with as he makes it big as a model. All of that, plus he hyped up the Boom Tho! movement in his Janice Dickinson profile.

To quote Rell when talking about himself: "We can't all be legends. Someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by."

I clap for this stuff every day.

Much More Rod Benson

2007-12-11T14:24:10-08:00

I am now on Yahoo! Sports as well as here at TMRB.com. How can they coexist? Easy. All Bismarck and hoops related stuff with be there. Everything else including MySpace messages and the poem game will be here. See how easy that is? It wont be too hard for you to check both. The main thing you should note is that my Yahoo! blog will be updated every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at Noon ET. TMRB updates whenever I feel like. Maybe I'll start feeling like it more often. Who knows?

TMRB @ Yahoo! Sports NBA

Bookmark that ish son!

Giving Thanks

2007-12-07T15:25:43-08:00

Have you ever spent a Thanksgiving away from every single one of your family members? I have. In fact, I've spent the last six Thanksgivings away from home. It would appear that there is no end in sight to this streak.

I've gotten used to spending holidays away from home because basketball tends to always get in the way of such occasions. Still, besides not seeing my family, I have never gotten used to eating terrible food on a day when the food should be tremendous. There's nothing like getting 88 text messages from people talking about how good their Thanksgiving food is while you're staring down at a pile of goulash.

When I was a freshman at CAL it was the worst. I didn't even own a jacket, yet here I was walking through the streets of Cleveland with Erik Bond looking for a 7/11. Actually, it was more of a backpedal because Erik Bond convinced me that walking backward helped when walking in cold, windy conditions. He was right. So here we are walking backwards in 5 degree weather with snow falling all around us searching for a place to eat...on Thanksgiving. I think I bought a couple hot dogs and some Gatorade from the local 76 gas station and that was it. Great Thanksgiving. Oh yea, and I ended up missing the Big Game (CAL v Stanford football) which just happened to be the first time CAL had won in years. Great road trip. I heard that we marched the goal posts down Bancroft Ave. Real great road trip.

This Thanksgiving started out like that one. This was my official "meal" for the day:

I know it looks real bad, but it tasted pretty decent. It was my first time ever eating Thanksgiving food at Golden Corral Buffet, but since we went as a team I made due. The point is that your meal DEFINITELY looked better than this. On Thanksgiving, this pig slop is just unacceptable.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I needed a little part of what I'm used to. I needed some Sweet Potato Pie. I hadn't had any SPP since I was in high school and my late great grandmother made it, so I felt like I needed to do this the right way. I could have easily gone to Wal-Mart and bought a SPP from Sarah Lee, but I decided to call up moms and get the real family recipe. This is how it went:

Yee! It turned out so coddamn delicious. Just look at the deliciousness.

Ok, so I know what some people are thinking out there. You're wondering what this pie is supposed to be because it looks like the scrumptious pumpkin pie that you're used to eating. You have to be white people. Why? I don't know. I don't know when it started, but sometime long long ago, black people starting eating sweet potato pie and white people started eating pumpkin. I can't explain it. What I can tell you is that I don't know any black people who eat pumpkin pie and (considering I know thousands and thousands of white people) I know only a handful of white people that eat sweet potato. I don't want this to come off as racially insensitive, but for some reason thats how it goes. If you have never tried a sweet potato pie, give it a try. it is much sweeter and better than pumpkin, but then again, I'm biased aren't I?

Well, I figure I'll finish by telling you what I'm thankful for:

10. Colin Brickley (Not at all gay as it sounds)
9. Madden
8. 1080p HDTV's
7. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
6. The D-League
5. The Boom Tho Movement which is > Thankfulness. JK.
4. Madden
3. Short Skirts
2. Short Dresses
1. Family

We will see how Christmas goes.

Poem Game 1.5

2007-12-02T17:57:28-08:00

First things first, I guess my teammate from last time had a talk with the waitress and she told him that she had a boyfriend. They discussed her situation and decided to just be friends. Now that you have some closure on the last poem game entry, we can move forward.

This time we were all signing autographs as a team. These autograph sessions can get to be a little tedious at times, so I like to spice things up a bit. When we were almost done, the same teammate as before asked me to write another poem for him. The thing about it was that we were back at Buffalo Wild Wings, the same place where the first poem was given. I asked him who he could possibly give it to and he didnt answer. He just wanted another poem.

I sat down with my pen and paper and got to work:

Out with my team on a Tuesday night
I was caught by a beam of light

Your face was a beauty so pure
I can raise my arms because Im Sure

If you were an answer on Jeopardy
I'd say "What is stylish, smart, and sassy?"

What is naturally sunning and classy?
Who makes all other girls look trashy?

Its like you were sent from above
I'm like Alltel, come and get your love

Im drowning in my own emotion -- save me
Will you go out with me? At least say maybe!

So, I hand the poem to my teammate, eager to see who he could possibly hand it to. He walks it over to one of the rookies.

"Rook, you're gonna give this poem to one of these waitresses," he declares.

The rookie was not having it. Seriously, this guy has a look on his face like he'd had enough of the rookie games. This appeared to be the final straw. He literally just refused to give the poem to anyone. I leaned in close to him and whispered in his hear that he should just give it to the same waitress as last time and tell her it's from the same guy. The rookie loved this idea. See, neither of us knew that there had already been closure on the situation. We just figured we would rekindle old feelings and keep the fun going.

Rookie got up and walked the poem over to her. I saw her reaction and thought she was feeling it. My other teammate saw what happened and put 2 and 2 together real quick.

"Are you guys serious right now? I thought he was gonna give it to someone else not give it to her and say it was from me. That's messed up man."

I chimed in as best I could while laughing hysterically. "What's the problem? She's feeling it!"

"No. We talked it out. She has a man and a kid. We gotta go."

We all ran out, got in the vans and left. We have yet to return to Wild Wings.

Look out for the next edition of the poem game.

Im Really Good at the Internet

2007-12-01T10:23:06-08:00

I think I am becoming an internet champion. What is an internet champion? Funny you should ask. I actually just made it up 30 seconds ago. An internet champion is always winning--at the internet. Simply put, I am most likely better at it than you.

I am just plain winning at the internet. My MySpace is championship calibre. My Facebook is real hot right now. My blog is rated number 1. Solid yes, but there are four more internet related things that I can't help but be dominant at:

Wyld Stallions:

The "Wyld Stallions" are the members of my fantasy football team. After a 2-3 start, the stallions have run off 7 straight and have already clinched a playoff birth. What makes the Stallions so Wyld? I manage them. Drew Brees, Brian Westbrook, Braylon Edwards, Wes Welker, and Hines Ward all contribute to my complete domination of my fantasy football league.

Bayside Tigers:

The "Bayside Tigers" are the members of my fantasy basketball team. Basically, I don't even need to check my standings because I play in a league full of pro basketball idiots. I had the first pick in the draft, so I obviously took K.G. because I am smart and I want to win. But there are 16 people in our league, so I didn't get to pick again until picks 32 and 33, then picks 64 and 65 and so on. I was able to get KG, Carlos Boozer, Tony Parker, Richard Jefferson, and Chris Kaman, among others. After the draft I decided that the league wasn't even worth playing because my team was already too good. One guy even threatened to change his team name to the Valley Bulldogs to be my rival. I dont think he knows that Valley never beats Bayside. I smell another internet championship.

When I was doing the draft, I noticed that every single player had a preseason ranking. I think there were about 900 ranked players to chose from. KG was #1, LeBron was #2. Rod Benson was on the list at number 594. 594 was ahead of Kevin Lyde's 630-something, Dontell Jefferson's 680-something, and Carlos Powell's 712. Mo Baker got me by 6 spots I think. I didn't care what my ranking was, I drafted myself in the 13th round. The way I see it, when I get called up, I'll provide my own fantasy stats.

Kevin and Dontell can't believe they are rated lower than me.

Pwiggle Boomhauer:

This may be my proudest, and lamest, internet achievement to date. Pwiggle Boomhauer is my name. Actually, you could call Pwiggle Boomhauer my second name. If you're in the know, then you already know what that means, if not, then I'll break it down for you.

I was watching "The Office" a few weeks back and I saw that Dwight joined a website called SecondLife.com. Dwight's job in SecondLife was Assistant to the Regional Manager, same as in real life, he even wore the same short sleeve dress shirt and dumb tie in his SecondLife. Later in the episode, Jim Halpert had also created a Second Jim to track Dwight's movements in Second World.

After the episode finished, I went to SecondLife.com to see what all the fuss wad about. It's basically a 3D world that is all user created. You go on there and make a 3D person and then use this person to live in a fully interactive and user created 3D online world. There is even a currency called "Linden" and it has an actual exchange rate to real USD no joke. I think its like 500 Lindens = 1USD I am not kidding you at all. If you set up a shop on SecondLife you can make REAL UNITED STATES DOLLARS by getting so many Linden's. That's SecondLife.

So I was in Berkeley just days before coming out to North Dakota and I decided that if Jim Halpert had a SecondLife, Rod Benson should have one too. Sitting in the living room of the basketball team house, I created my new online identity: Pwiggle Boomhauer. The last names have to come from a list, but the first name is all you. Pwiggle Boomhauer was born and ready to rock. The thing was, the guys on the Cal team all got into it and created SecondLives too. Oscallante Weatherwax and Beamont Marksman were a couple of the SecondNames people came up with. Even my old trainer at Cal got into the act. His name? Swarley Wingtips.

All set up and ready to rock, I entered SecondWorld without any expectations. What I have discovered so far is that it is extremely hard to get Linden's. It really pisses me off that I currently have 0L (zero Linden's). Basically I can't buy anything. I can walk around and talk to people. I can voice chat with them. I can even dance, but I can't buy a coddamn thing.

Somehow one of my old Cal teammates (Beaumont Marksman) managed to make 50L. He is a SecondLife master as far as I'm concerned. Women on SecondLife walk up to him and ask him to make out and he agrees. They engage in virtual 3D online make out sessions that look just awkward. Seriously, imagine Andy Milonakis in a make out scene, then make it twice as awkward, but also overly passionate because 3D Virtual People don't have different scales of kiss. I digress.

I am not doing well at SecondLife because Lindens control everything. I can't even upgrade my clothes. It took me a week to figure out how to take off this feminine looking half zip cardigan I was wearing. Now I have a super tight green shirt and "Nightclub Jeans". Definitely not a good look:

See my shirt? See my pants? I'm over here in Dance Island trying to get people to talk to me and it's just not going down. I may be one of the only people in the whole SecondLife who have better luck in a real life club than in one online. I need Lindens. I need them badly. I cant even get a good black man haircut without them! I will basically commit to a SecondLife of crime soon if I cant find a legal way to get Lindens. I will continue to update you on the progress of Pwiggle Boomhauer, the underachieving, feminine looking, too-tight shirt wearing, Dance Island loser. Im actually not even close to championship calibre in SecondLife because I have no Linden's, but I want you to know I'm coming.

toomuch pwiggle:

O.K. So, after months of me saying one thing and then doing another, I finally, seriously am on XBOX Live again. My name is toomuch pwiggle. All lower case baby. Come find me if you want a loss on your record. I consider myself the best Madden player in pro sports. Prove me wrong.

Lastly, while I have your attention, go ahead and email/comment with good boomisms and I will add them in for the boom tho button. Hollar.

Boom Tho Button / Trinidad, South America?

2007-11-29T23:44:33-08:00

First things first, you may have noticed a new tab on the left side of the page. The tab refers to the "Boom Tho! Button". The button works very simply. There is a box. There is a button. You click the button. Boomisms appear in the box. You read the various boomisms and laugh. You then repeat until you've had your fill. I'll try to keep adding more and more, but there are a ton in there already. In fact, It took me a lot of time just to learn to proper code to make the boom tho box. Now that it's done, I can finish the rest of my blogs that are on hold.

Now, onto another quick thing. I need your help. I have a teammate named Kibwe Trim. I call him Tribwe because thats what I do. Tribwe is from Trinidad. It was funny when he first told he was a "Trinidadian". It led me to call him names such as "Trinidaddy Long Legs" and "Trick Daddy".

Anyways, he told me that Trinidad was real close to Venezuela. I told him it was probably approximately 8 stones throws away and he didn't disagree. I then said that he was the second South American I've played with. Morro was the first ("...they laugh at Morro"). Well, Tribwe did not respond well to being called South American. In fact, he refuses to admit that he is South American. I told him there is no shame in being South American. I am a proud North American myself, why not be proud?

He continues to argue with me and contends that Trinidad is an island. He actually defines the word island for me (as if I dont know) as a land mass completely surrounded by water. He then says that since it is not connected, he cant be South American. He also argues that nobody Trinidadian will admit to being South American.

I told him that The Philippines are islands not connected to Asia, and that many people dont even call Filipino people Asian, but they are. I told him that my old roommate Richard doesn't consider himself to be European. He says British people wont spend Euros and they dont play football (soccer) like schoolyard pansies. Trinidadians could have similar views.

So, I have a couple of questions for you, the reader:

Does every land mass have a continental association?

If so, then obviously he is South American, right?

I googled "Trinidad South America" and one of the first results I got said: "Start your South American Tour here, in Trinidad". It really got to him I think. Basically if enough people tell me I'm right, I can go to him and have hours of fun asking him to make me Sangria, Tacos, Brazilian BBQ and many other things that have nothing to do with Trinidad at all. Just basically call him latin for my own enjoyment. Let me know!

The New Poem Game

2007-11-15T22:06:41-08:00

We were all at Buffalo Wild Wings when one of my teammates told me that he wanted to talk to one of the waitresses. He didn't know which one, and he didn't know how he would do it, but he knew he wanted to. It seemed as though one week in North Dakota had quickly become too long to not attempt to find a woman.

I was very willing to help. Why not? The guy obviously wanted to have fun with it and also hopefully take a phone number with his to-go box as we left the building. All 8 of us there that night knew that if I was to get involved that it could get a little bit ridiculous. I mean, let's face it. Everybody had heard the rumors about my blog and my antics. New guys were curious and returning guys were astonished at how much hype tmrb had gotten since that championship game day back in April.

My teammate finally asked me exactly what we should do. I told him that I have written poetry to a woman before. Although he didn't know who Jenna Fischer was, he understood that if I wrote a poem to an actress, I could easily whip one up for a BWW server who was probably already feeling him. I agreed that I would write a poem as long as he agreed to give it to one of them -- no chickening out.

He asked the server of our table for something to write on. She brought back a pen and some blank receipts and handed them to him. He handed them to me and I got to work. Here's what I came up with on the fly:

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I see a good match between me and you

Dont mind this note, I do what I can,
You be a woman, I'll be a man

Every time I see you, my heart sings,
Thats why I come to Buffalo Wild Wings

My boys don't think I have what it takes,
To enjoy a bowl of frosted flakes

With you the next morning after out date,
I'm just a mammal looking for a mate

I dont know exactly how these things go,
But, do you like me?

Yes No

My teammate showed the poem around the table and everyone laughed at the words, but now it was time to see if it was all jokes or if it would actually pay him some dividends. He got up and handed it to one of the servers he thought smiled at him when we came in. We all watched eagerly as she read the note and laughed to herself. Success? Had to be, but we wouldn't be sure until she came back to our table.

She had the server of our table bring back a note that read:

"I think you're handsome, charming, and sweet, but maybe your boys are right! You might not have what it takes to eat this momma's frosted flakes!"

I personally thought that the first note was successful. Her response seemed to not only challenge his ability to get her, but also kind of dared him to try. On top of all that were the sexual implications of the frosted flakes being eaten. We decided to fire back with something that relayed his ability, confidence, and sexual aptitude. He actually thought he should keep it sweet and innocent like the poem, but since I knew I was gonna blog it, I kept it hot to get a good reaction:

"Well the thing about me you may not know is that I have a big spoon and an even bigger appetite!"

We watched from a distance as she read the note. Her jaw dropped and she quickly closed her mouth. She peered over at us as we desperately tried not to laugh. Her eyes kind of lit up and she couldn't hold back her smile. She scribbled something down for a while then had our server bring it back to us. It read:

"The only thing that's on is you,
Simmer down baby and just enjoy the view.

A big appetite is just not me,
So put your big spoon in your own mouth where it needs to be!

You're a sweetheart! Thanks for the lines,
but maybe some other time!"

Damn. Lost it. My teammate accused me of taking it too far. It is entirely possible that I did take it too far, but hey, if he thought he could get her number by himself, then he should have written his own coddamn poem!

Well, after this ordeal, we decided that whenever we go to a restaurant, that I will write a different poem for him to give to a waitress who he is eying. Thus, the poem game has officially begun. I'll be sure to post all the poems and reactions here.

Hollar.

My Roll Dawgs

2007-11-08T13:49:06-08:00

The title of this entry sums up nearly 3 weeks of happenings. I think some of the events described go back as far as my last night in New York, and go all the way to right now. I've got the Kanye West on and no T.V., that means it's time for some bloggin'. Let's do it.

I'll start by taking it back to that last night in NYC. You see, before my agent had even called me to tell me the news that my days in New Jersey were done, I was already heading out to the city to watch then #2 ranked CAL play Oregon State in football. Before I left the hotel I was cutting my hair as usual, when the guard slipped off of the clippers without my knowledge. I gave my head a few more strokes before I noticed that the guard was lying on the ground next to my foot. I looked back up at the clippers and sure enough my #1 cut had become a number zero. Damn. I looked at the mirror and immediately saw that my head was definitely giving that Charles Barkley, K.G., M.J. shine . It wasn't that bad, but people who know black people's hair would definitely notice my spot. I called up Clayton and told him what had happened. We agreed that if any of the white people at the CAL bar noticed my spot, then it was really bad, if they didn't, then if was just a minor patch of hair lower than the rest. My main concern was that I was going to have to practice the next day and that the entire team (esp. Antoine Wright and Vince Carter) would make fun of me. Luckily, as I am a glass half full kind of guy, I was released before any of them had a chance to check me out.

That night I did end up going to the bar to watch CAL play Oregon State. I met up with my boys Stevie P. and Cam Jones.

We watched the whole game and they had no clue what had happened to the side of my head. Nice.

After the game was over, a close loss that should have never been, we sat there stunned for about 20 seconds. The whole bar was sad, down, and in a state of disbelief. I started to let my mind wander. My team had lost, all but ensuring another Holiday Bowl bid (not anymore). I had just been released by the New Jersey Nets, basically sending me back to North Dakota. And, last but not least, I had a patch in the side of my head, causing me to avoid my black homies who would laugh at me. Dang, what a bad 4 hours.

Well, all of a sudden, I realized that it could be worse. Why? Because long after everyone had moved on to thoughts other than the CAL game, there was this CAL fan sitting on the ground of the bar sulking. I mean this guy was literally sitting in a puddle of beer, half cross eyed, half teary eyed, mouth drooped open, arms and legs hanging lifelessly. Picture a homeless guy. Now imagine that this homeless guy is like newly homeless. This guy just realized he has nowhere to go and nobody to lean on and his body goes limp. That is how this guy looked. Just seeing him looking so pathetic over a CAL football game made me realize that I needed to pull myself together. I mean, if this guy ever gets cut by the Nets, and gets a bald spot in his head on the same day as a CAL loss, all of his friends should be on suicide watch. As for me, I still had fun on the night it all happened to me. Thanks to Stevie P and Cam Jones for helping me get it done that night.

getting it done

I flew back down to San Diego from the Newark airport ready to just relax for a little bit. Too bad the whole place was on fire:

Our house ended up being fine, but a lot were not. A lot of people are still in need. If you want to help some of them out, click here:
https://secure.salvationarmy.org/donations.nsf/donate?openform&projectid=USW_SC-07fire

After a couple of days at home I went up to Huntington Beach to kick it with Rell and go up to the UCLA football game. The day before the game was spent beating Halo 3 and battling fiercely in Wii Tennis and Bowling. The night was another story.

Rell and I went with Kam Walton (Luke's cousin), and an all star cast of former Torrey Pines High ballers to some bars out in Newport Beach. When we got the the main bar, I wouldn't exactly say it was cracking. Yea, there were a lot of people in there, but so what? These people didn't know how to party. Well, not get it cracking like Rell and Reeks Benson (as Rell calls me) do. How do we do? Let me tell you.

You can go back to the "Hollywood" entry and get a taste of what goes on when Rell and I hit the scene. Let's just say we always dance. Always. This bar we were at in Newport was not a dance spot, even though there was a D.J. there. Rell and I started dancing with random girls to get the place cracking a little. Rell has a girlfriend, so his dancing wasn't quite as enticing as mine, but let's just say that after about 15 minutes this place started to liven up.

Now Rell and I have another sort of tradition. Actually, let's not call it a tradition, let's call it an "if, then". Let's actually change that. We will call it an "if and only if, then". If, and only if the party is crackin', then Rell and I will probably do our pants off dancing. Basically it is just how it sounds. There were no pictures of that night, so i'll show you the one from the "Hollywood" entry:

As you can see, the pants are down and dancing continues to proceed. In college we had this spreading like wildfire. I now realize that that was then and this is now. In that bar in Newport, which was at this point crackin', we began our pants off C-walk. You must understand that the C-walk is the easiest dance to do pants off because your feet are so close together and the pants kind off restrict your foot spacing. So we are in the bar making it happen, pants off C-walking away, and I'm telling you, everybody around (mostly female) was buying what we were selling. It was just getting more and more cracking. Out of nowhere, the music stops. It was kind of like a movie where the D.J. scratches the record to a stop.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" the D.J. said into his mic, easily garnering the attention of everyone in the building. "This is why I don't play hip-hop, because of guys like this! Security come and do something about this."

Right then, everybody (probably 200 people) turns and looks at Rell and me, who are trying our best to shimmy our pants back up. It was a lot easier for me because I was wearing Jeans that had a regular fit. I had mine up in about 3 seconds. Rell, on the other hand, was STRUGGLING. Ever since this guy became an underwear model (catch him on the new season of Janice Dickinson Modeling Show on Oxygen Network Dec. 4), he has been wearing these jeans that are just way too tight. There were two problems with his tight jeans: the D.J. refused to put the music back on until we had the pants back up, and Rell also wore some his designer underwear which had a downright gross bikini cut. I think that the only reason the D.J. stopped us was because of Rell's designer briefs that were so0o0o disgusting. Security actually threw him out and let me stay...had to be the designers. I left anyways because we are a team and we both did the act. I just didn't gross anybody out.

Speaking of gross, Halloween didn't get any better. I decided to steal my brothers ostrich outfit because it was money in the bank. Man on ostrich, so hot right now. I wasn't the gross one though. I must warn you, this really is gross. Don't look at the next two pictures if you think you will be grossed out. This is my boy Jason, and he was a tennis player for Halloween:

Why he had to buy the fake balls and hang them like that I will never, ever understand.

As for the rest of national dress-up day, I got it done up in the bay area.

ride that ostrich young man

clay rocks out with my Guitar Hero Guitar

JGant once again getting harassed

Seriously though, I thought JGant and I had talked about this. I mean, I had to sock him in the balls twice for crying out loud. But look at him. He is having the most fun ever isn't he? Maybe I am a little shallow, but I know he can do better than this! I know it. If he just doesn't care, then i'll forward his myspace profile to all the girls who message me and they can dance the night away.

Oh, and before I met up with him that day he sent me a Blackberry Message that said: "Rod you know i'll wait for you. Can't leave without my roll dawg!"

I was very confused by this. I asked him what that meant? Did it mean like roll-out dawgs or what? He said: "I dont know its just what people say."

I said: "I dunno man that sound a lot like ROAD DAWGS."

He replied: "Oh yea! Thats what they must be saying."

What would I do without my ROLL DAWGS?

I'll end this entry by saying that college basketball is here. Check out my CAL bears. I think they will make some noise.

Top 5 reasons to watch the CAL Bears:

5. I went there, duh. You read my blog, watch my Bears coddamit!
4. People sleep in the trees. Seriously.
3. 2 first round (projected) draft picks
2. You probably need a new team to get into anyways
1. Devon Hardin (one of the draft picks) can get low!!

Hollar!

¡Funny MySpace Messages 8!

2007-10-30T15:50:17-07:00

Although I personally feel that there have been funnier messages in some of the past editions, I don't think any have compared to the ridiculousness (except for the greatest story ever told) found in numero ocho. This edition may anger you as much as it will fill you with joy and laughter. As always, you will be the judge of such things.

I'll kick off 8th edition of Funny MySpace Messages with a couple people who just won't let it go. These are people who I DO NOT reply to and still they continue to blow me up with messages. Like this guy:

He must have taken his other picture off his page. It showed how skinny he is. I honestly think he is required by law to ride in a booster seat because he weighs under 40lbs. Im not exaggerating one bit. Regardless, he sent me another long winded message months after the first two messages he sent to me went unanswered...

Subject: Only in Hollywood...
Body: Hey there,

How's it going? It's been a while... thought I'd send you a note. I had a bizarre experience recently that I thought you might find interesting as a fellow tall guy.

A producer I had met a while back when I composed a few tracks for her short film called me the other day. She had a mutual friend who was doing casting for a commercial, and was looking for guys who are 6'6" on up (the taller the better), and skinny. So, my friend naturally thought of me... and referred me to the casting director. I spoke with her, and she said she absolutely wanted me to show up for an audition and an on-screen test.

I'm NOT an actor at all... but I thought, what the hell? It might be fun. And it was being worked in a way that one didn't necessarily have to be a member of SAG to be in the commercial.

I was a little nervous because I'm literally 6' 5 1/4"... but I figured I was close enough, and geez... how many 6'6" and taller skinny guys were they going to find? And at 125 lbs., they don't get much smaller-built than I am.

Well... I show up... and the waiting room was filled with 34 guys, and I WAS the shortest one there! Only in Hollywood, right? Wild!

I was also the skinniest... there were only two other men who weighed less than 200 lbs. But not much less... the next lightest after me was a 6'9" guy who was 190 lbs. And maybe, yeah, he was skinny for his height and frame size. But, geez... 65 lbs. is BIG size difference even if he is nearly 4" taller. So he looked like the Incredible Hulk in comparison to me when they made us stand next to each other doing camera and photo tests.

And that turned out to be the biggest problem for me... I was eventually told that I was TOO small-built in comparison to the other guys. They needed to cast 4 men who were fairly close in height and size, and all the other guys were a lot bigger than I am. And I was too short, too... the men they finally cast were 6'10" - 7'1" and in the 220- 240 lbs. range. If you ask me, they didn't look skinny at all... more just like lanky but muscular basketball player types. But I guess "skinny" is a relative term, and I just kind of threw everyone's preconceived notions out the window! :)

But, whatever... it was an interesting experience, and that's all I was really expecting of it.

OH... the tallest guy there was 7'4"! But he was 330 lbs., and although he insisted he was skinny for his frame-size... the guy was huge next to everyone else. Again, all a matter of relative perspective, I guess.

You should have seen THAT camera test... with him at 7'4" and 330 lbs. standing next to me at a little over 6'5" and 125 lbs. He looked like he could swallow me whole for a snack. LOL

We compared shoe sizes, too... mine at size 8 narrow, and his at size 22 EEEE! I told him I didn't envy his having to find shoes that fit. He told me he didn't envy the fact that size small t-shirts fit me like a tent.

Touche.

~David

This may be your first time ever reading one of my MySpace messages. You may find this to be ridiculous. It is. The problem here is that I DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY. I think he wants me to pretend that we are long time friends or something.

Let's pretend that I was his friend. My response would probably go something like "Wow! Mann you're right! Only in Hollywood! How in the world could you have been the shortest one!? It must be something in the water out here man. Still, so awesome for you. I am totally hyped to hear that. Size 22 shoes? I would never have imagined!"

Now, let's go through how I really feel. Dog, eat some food. There is no logical excuse for you to be 36 years old and 125 lbs at 6'5". I know there's something you like to eat. Porterhouse is a good start. Have a twinkie or two with your breakfast. Do something. It's cool that you're doing your hollywood thing, but try to understand that although I am usually slow to return my messages (it can take weeks), if you still havent gotten a reply to these long winded ramblings in 8 months, it's not gonna happen. Lastly, I am 6 10, 227 myself. Nothing about that story shocked me.

If I still had access to the other pics of his, you would see just how skinny he really is. He's like Sally Struther's only white somalian ever.

Well when it comes to repeat messages nobody does it like Sweet Ann. Since I first got a msg from her nearly a year ago, she has not stopped. Seriously, read any of my last 4 myspace posts and you will find her in every one.

"Hey u wat's up! Just wanted to stop by your page to show u some love.. So how is everything be side work. I haven't seen u on line lately. Guess what I'm not on Guam I'm on vaction here in California at my cousin place Rosmond. Where do u stay at in California hopefully we can met up with each other, I really want met u in person. So hopefully I'll be in San Diego for wedding on Aug 11, send me a comment back ok.. Well got to go now take care and be safe.

"Hey u wat's up, just wanted to holla back at u. It's been such a long time since the last time I chatted with u. So how have u been and work and all.. Hope everything is good with u any way u know what to do holla back at your gurl!!

Antoinette

"Hey u long time no see, wat's up! With u these days hope everything is going good with u, dam still looking good to me. Well just take care and be safe now u here...

Sweetann

There is no logical explanation for this. Maybe she has tricked herself into thinking that we had something long ago when we didn't. I did message her one time, to tell her that I was part of the ship crew that caught the largest squid ever off the coast of Fiji. Cmon now! Get the joke already. At this point I can't even feel bad anymore. At some point you have to watch some Oprah. She has internet scam people on there all the time. Women, just like you, who fell for fake guys on the internet and gave up credit card info among other things. Lucky for you I just write about it and I'm not out buying XBOX 360 games on your Master Card!

We are off to a very good start right now. Let's keep it going, shall we?

This next girl is also a repeat message girl. I don't remember her past messages, but I guess I could have easily overlooked them.

No Subject
Body: whats up again, and thanx for the add....I guess my message was lame since u aint hit me back up, maybe I need to recheck my game......lol

Like I said, I usually read everything. Sometimes I do forget to reply to a message, so I decided to check her out and make sure I didn't make a mistake...

Status: In a Relationship
Orientation: Straight
Hometown: Reykjavik, Iceland
Body type: 5' 4"
Religion: Christian - other
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Smoke / Drink: No / Yes
Children: Proud parent
Education: Grad / professional school

OK. Let's break this down. Let's look at the reasons why I didn't reply to her. Foot on the bed picture? No thanks. Arm that looks stronger than mine? Can't do it. In a relationship? No can do. She has a kid and she's from a town in Iceland that has like 32 consonants in it.

It wasn't your game, I'm afraid. It was simply the fact that I don't want to fly out to Iceland (which is really green according to D2: The Mighty Ducks are Back), bring Mr. Frommer with me to find whatever the hell your town is called, bring my baseball bat to fight your boyfriend who I assume is bigger than you, making him bigger than me, drop off a box of Capri Sun's for your kid to keep him busy and still find you unattractive because you have a pouty looking face with your foot on the bed. Sorry.

At least she made an effort to write something. I got too tired of the html comments that people were leaving for me. This one was the final straw:

When I saw this, I did not think about how sweet my lips may or not be. I immediately thought it was just weird. Why? Why send this? Why post this on my page?

This is her, smiling, finding other comments such as "Hey Hot Pants" and "Hello Pretty Toes". Seriously, I don't need that in my life.. I can't deal with all that right now.

I also couldn't deal with a woman by the display name of "Mrs. Gorgeous". She snuck one more animated html thing on my comments before I had a chance to turn them off.

Coddamit, stop it with these things. I dont know why they keep coming. Especially from girls like this:

When I saw her pic, I thought to myself that I wouldn't exactly call her Mrs. GORGEOUS. That's when I saw this on her page:

Right back at ya! Am I being mean? I would have thought so until I saw her other pic:

Yep. That's what I deal with all the time on MySpace. Everyday I do.

Even with all of that, there are messages that get worse.

Like these, all from a MAN.

wuss good Renaissance man
Body: finnally get to thank you for the add wut u up too this late? and im stealing your page layout LOL

Subject: SD
Body: u in san diego with that smile hit me up lets party

Subject: basketball
Body: u coming to sd to get down or what i know u wanna cum wit me/

I didnt put up a photo of this guy because he lives in San Diego and he might actually be straight and he might just come find me and beat my ass. Can't take any chances. Maybe I can just flaunt my smile and he will calm down!

Besides, why put up a pic of him when I can put up photo's of Clayton's admirers instead. Like Robert:

recognizin your page..
thanxs for the add....hope to hear from ya soon..

robert
illinois

waitin on ur response...
ok, i said thanxs for the add. havent heard from ya in 3 or 4 attempts.. why add me; if you didnt want a friend... i am meeting brothas and sistas from all over the U.S. if this isnt you. then delete me....

robert
illinois

ok it goin to be like that!!!!

thats cool,

robert
illinois

its ur call...

robert
illinois

Looks like this calm needs to calm down. It's like he can't go on with approval from Clayton who has 11,000 other friends. I don't care if youre straight or gay or whatever, that kind of persistence is downright unnecessary. Seriously man, start a second life or something. That way you can create yourself, you can create Clay, heck, you can even create me. Then you can have hours of fun replying to messages that normally would go unanswered.

Still not as bad as guy #2. Even with editing, it is gross and you may want to skip ahead:

Are you Gay or Bi?
How can a guy like me be on your team?
How big is your d--k?
Do you like big d--ks?
How old are you?
Do you like Black guys?
Do you have any kids?
Do you have you own house?
Do you have a cell phone?
What type cell phone do you have and who is it by!
Do you want kids?
Do you s--k d--k?
Do you e-t a-s?
Do you s--k d--k well?
Do you like Whitney Houston?
Do you have a car?
Do you have a job?
Do you family know about you?
Do you go to church?
Do you love having sex?
Do you like sexy ass Thugs?
What makes you happy?
What makes you mad?
Where is your boy friend at?
Where do you see your self in five years?
Where do you live at?
Who is Jesus?
Sexy are you a top?
Sexy are you a bottom?
Can I see some of your pics?
Can a guy get your number?
Can your boy get your name?

YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT!

I do have a question for this dude: What the hell is wrong with you? Does this work? Have you ever been in an institution mental or otherwise? Does your dad know what youre up to? Do you have any shame? Are you related to Dennis Rodman? WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE NO STRAIGHT OPTION AT THE TOP OF THIS LIST???

Talk about things that are hard to deal with. A message like that is never well received. It doesn't matter if it's from a man or woman, like "Thick and Sexy" here:

She sent me this.. I changed all the F words to "Do":

DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
Body:
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
There is @ least 1 person on ur myspace list that wants 2 do the hell out of u. So lets play the do or pass game! The rules r simple...if u want 2 do the person who posts this send them a message saying yep, Id do you!!!!!!!!!!!! Scared? This s--ts funny cuz there is @ least 1 person on ur list who wants 2 do u.

and this

Subject:
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Body:
waz up sexxi just showin some luv to all my friends online starting wit the cutest ones and guess what your #1

"IN LOVE AND LOVIN IT"

FEMALE
17 YEARS OLD
PHILLY, PENNSYLVANIA
UNITED STATE

Please please please please tell me that I was not sent that first message because she wants to do me that bad. Please please please please tell me that I am not her cutest friend in the world which would have to include the boyfriend she's in love with who has no problems dating big girls. Please tell me that she is not 17. It is a sad, strange world when the only people who want to do you are men and overweight, underage, foul mouths who are in love with someone else.

The next girl has a display name called "Lady Skeet". Really? Lady Skeet? C'mon now girl. You gotta know what skeet means...don't you?

hey i know idk u and u dont know much about me but imma star featuring ppl on my profile. something like person of the week would u be ok if u get picked that i took one of ur pictures to put it up on my profile?

After I wasted 2 minutes of my day trying to read this message, I decided not to reply. Even if I say no she would take it as an invitation to talk unless I said it in a very rude tone. Not good. Then, I got this:

"oh i thought it was somebody else.lol

ur adams apple attracted my eyes.
...and ur smile did too.=]

You can't be serious right now. My ADAMS APPLE attracted your eyes? That is ricodamdiculous. Why would would you send me this? Who else could it be? Mr Adams McApple? Is that what you thought? I came to the conclusion that she didnt quite know what she was saying. Why? Because this was on her profile:

Status:
In a Relationship
Here for:
Networking, Friends
Orientation:
Straight
Hometown:
yemem.lol
Body type:
5' 8" / More to love!
Ethnicity:
Latino / Hispanic
Religion:
Catholic
Zodiac Sign:
Aquarius
Children:
Someday
Education:
In college
Occupation:
kickin ass

"yea we all know everyone is unique but
im above and beyond.
im intelligent. i study the dictionary.
i have extremely high standars. its not what u think. im not high maintenance, boo-G or flashy.
im not gonna say that im poor, cuz im not. i can get it but it not important or necessary.

Dont ever make fun of or have a look of disgust at the mentally ill or others that dont look like u. they're still humans.
i dont settle for mediocre. dont know what that means??go find out.
yes i have a filthy mouth [vulgar language]. but their not the only words i know."

She cant be serious about studying the coddamn dictionary. People who study the dictionary don't immediately follow "I study the dictionary" with "I dont have high standars." I guess she assumes I don't know what mediocrity is. I can tell her. It's called her myspace page. In fact, it's probably sub-par. Yea, sub-par. It's in the dictionary right before "they're", a contraction meaning they are. Seriously, I should have expected this from a girl who spends her time kickin ass and using [vulgar language]. Maybe the fact that she never changes her face could have been a tell all:

Her mom told her what would happen. She said "Skeet, if you keep making that face, it's gonna stay like that!" Skeet didn't listen, now look at her.

The never changing of the face thing was real big with "SweetHeart" too. She seemed innocent enough by her message:

hey handsome, how u doin

I mean, I had no intention of replying anyways, but I still gave her page a look:

Notice anything here? Oh yea, how about she is the female Zoolander. All she's got is blue steel huh? She should work on that. I mean, I only gave you a 4 pic sample, there are 30 pictures that are all exactly like these. Yes, I know exactly what she looks like hair down, smirking, from the left. Not enough to get a reply. I wouldn't anyways, but let's pretend I was somebody who would.

Anyways, its still not that bad, but I wonder how she had the audacity to send me a msg considering I found this in her profile:

"I could be VERY paranoid. I would like to think im a little funny.. I'm really mean and stuck up to those who deserve it. i cant stand black girls, you will probably think I'm racist, but I'm just honest, brutally honest. I have no patience for bitches whatsoever!"

Why in the world would I hit you back when u say some crazy stuff like that? You have two things to learn: how to take a different picture and how to develop some social tolerance.

She was not the worst by far. I left the photo of this next person off because I believe someone hacked their profile. Regardless, the message was very real. I WONT edit what was said so if you think words will bother you, then skip ahead or something.

The display name of this person was "I HATE NIGGERS WHITE POWER!" and the message was this:

wtf kinda music is this. i hang ppl for having this kinda music on there myspace. plus yra fucking nigger. white power u piece of shit

I tried to reply, but they disabled all messages from people who they arent friends with. You can't always find something witty to say to these things anyways. Who knows what I would have said had I had the opportunity?

I was coming back home one night from a Halloween party and when I got back to my homie's apt., another friend of ours was arguing with a Taxi driver. He didn't have his wallet so we gave it to him and he paid the driver who left. My friend who was arguing kept telling me about reverse discrimination and racism that he felt he got from the cab driver. He didn't realize that he was just being a drunken idiot. I finally sat him down in front of the computer and showed him this message. He shut up right then. As a white guy, I don't think he knew what real racism is. Well boom there you go.

Before I conclude, I would like a little help from all of you. See, there is this guy. His name is Michael Terrell Williams...I think. He has a MySpace profile that literally contains only pictures of me. Somebody forwarded his profile to me to show me the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I personally find it funny. Why? Because his page was actually better than mine. He enjoys cooking and fishing, reading, and rock climbing. The fake Rod Benson sounded more interesting that the REAL Rod Benson. I actually spent hours re-doing my page. I read a CSS code tutorial and built MY MYSPACE PAGE from scratch just to compete. Anyways, It would be even funnier to me if everyone who has a myspace and doesn't mind sending a random message, to send a message this guy telling him to stop perpetrating the real Rod Benson aka Too Much! It would be glorious if he signed in and there were like 100 msgs in his box all saying the same thing. Make it happen.

http://www.myspace.com/michaelterrellwilliams

Blow him up in the name of realness.

It Just Got Real

2007-10-29T19:34:04-07:00

Today I made my return to Bismarck, North Dakota official. I faxed in my contract sealing my season (or hopefully just a part of it) as a D-League baller. You know what I'm saying... like KG except I aint worth a dollar, right?

My contract had the usual agreements on it:

Do you agree to compete in the NBDL?

Yes.

Do you agree to make way less money than you would overseas in hopes that you recieve a call-up and a shot at the NBA life?

Yes.

Do you agree to go back to North Dakota?

Sure.

Do you agree to living in sub zero temperatures and snow for months at a time?

Done it before.

Are you sure, considering that you still don't know how to drive in the snow?

Gotta learn sometime.

Do you agree to 8 hour van rides, 10 day road trips, 5 hour layovers, and flights that always connect through Denver or Mineapolis?

Yes.

Are you sure? Denver is really scary to in and out of with all that turbulence and all.

It's Halloween, there are scarier things. Yes.

Did you look at the schedule and notice that you will not leave the midwest for months?

Uh huh.

Do you agree to playing in for and in front of the best fans in the D-League?

I would do it for free (not really). Yes.

Are you ready to rock?!

Yep.

And roll?

Indeed.

And thus, after signing off on (and mentally agreeing to) all of the above stipulations, I can proclaim my return. I am returning to Bucks, and Stadium, B Dubs and Dennys, the Steak Buffet and Wal Mart, Best Buy and Ressler Chevrolet commercials. Lets rock! You know, and roll...

My BBall Career is Like a Game of "Mike Tyson's Punchout" on Nintendo

2007-10-22T12:28:12-07:00

I had this entry done a week ago. It was then that my computer pretended to run out of batteries and turned itself off. In any case, it's here now. I was released by the Nets a week ago. Before I get into the Nintendo reference and my future, I'll recap my last days in Jersey.

2 weeks ago we had the open practice at Farleigh Dickinson University. I, not knowing anything about anything, expected to see a couple hundred people there. When the multiple thousands of people started packing the gym, I realized that people care more about the Nets than they do about the Austin Toros (D-League) who I was with this time last year.

After our scrimmage, I got to really see how crazy fans are for NBA teams. Thousands and thousands of people were calling out the names of thier favorite players. I was sitting down icing my knees while the madness took place. I can imagine that if I was Vince Carter or Jason Kidd, I would have a serious problem responding to anyone who says my name at any time. I heard people yell out "Jason" over and over and over and over. Seriously, like 300 people at a time, all saying his name. People wanted to get autographs so badly I couldn't believe it.

It wasnt just J Kidd and Vince, people were calling out for autographs from guys like R Jeff, Boki Nachbar, Antoine Wright, Malik Allen, Jason Collins, Jamaal Magloire, Sean Williams, Josh Boone, Marcus Williams, Nenad Krstic, Mile Ilic, Jumaine Jones, Robert Hite, Eddie Gill and Mateen Cleaves. One name was not on that list -- Rod Benson. I really thought a couple people would be hyped to see me, but they were more hyped to see everyone else which was cool. I just sat there with ice on my knee, waiting to go as autographs were signed and photo's were snapped.

Then, out of nowhere, I think I hear my name...

"Rod! Hey Rod, come over here!"

Nice, I thought. Finally a fan. Maybe he's a TMRB reader. I decide to play it cool, as if to show that I was not that hyped. I wanted to look like I do this all the time. Get out of my seat slowly and the whole nine yards. By the time I turned around, I saw Rod Thorn chatting it up with somebody behind me. I kept my eyes open, just in case there was another guy, but no, he was clearly requesting Rod Thorn. Damn.

A few minutes later my time finally came. Somebody yelled out my last name, so I knew it was official. This time I didn't care at all about impressing anybody with nonchalance. I snapped my head around to look at and make eye contact with the group of young women who had called me out. I walked over enthusiatically and asked them what was up.

"Can you get Josh Boone for us? He can't hear us or something."

You've got to be kidding me. Ricodamdiculous. I walked over to Josh and told him what was up.

"Oh yeah, I think I'm Facebook friends with them," he says on his way over towards the girls.

I then noticed that Jason was sitting a few seats away from me. I went and sat right next to him even though there was plenty of space to sit more comfotably. When he gave a look that seemed to question my decision to invade the personal bubble, I told him what was up.

"The way I see it, if I sit close to you, people will have photo's of me whether they like it or not. I'm bound to end up on youtube or myspace or something," I confessed.

On my way out of the gym, one guy asked for a picture with me. He said that he was a TMRB guy and that he just wanted a photo. Whoever you are, guy with the camera, thanks for legitimizing me. You're a stand up guy.

Anyways, I guess I should get into the reasons why I titled this entry what I did. I was riding to the airport with Vinny the Nets intern and we were dicussing how I repaired my broken Xbox. Somehow I brought up the fact that I love Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball. I can still hear Ken say "Hi, Im Ken Griffey Jr. Let's play major league baseball."

The Griffey talk transitions to Super Smash Brothers and then to Mike Tyson's Punchout. I tell Vinny that I had more trouble beating the Sandman than anybody else. He says that Soda Pop gave him the most trouble. All the reminiscing about the game got to thinking about it. Right then I had an epiphany -- my career is just like that game. Let's examine the facts..

Lets call me Little Mac. I'm a young man trying to come up. I have good people in my corner, and although I'm young and at times outmatched, I have heart, and I'm always smiling:

I can remember back to high school hoops. It was so easy to dominate back then, because I was facing inferior competition...much like Mac in the minor circuit. It aint hard knocking out guys like Joe Glass and Piston Honda.

Then there was college. Tougher competition made it tough to compete, especially early, but later once I got it figured out, the game slowed down and it again became easier. In the college game, you face guys who are good, but they have weaknesses. I can easily remember guys who I could exploit with ease. I was Little Mac and I faced guys like Don Flamenco, King Hippo, and Great Tiger. These are guys who will beat you if you don't know their weaknesses, but are also easy opponents once they get exposed.

Now I'm a pro bball player. I have been making strides on my game slowly, but surely. It's by far the toughest competition. Guys up here don't have clear weaknesses like before. Up here, especially for a guy like me, experience is key. When we had our preseason game at Philly, coach Frank told us to go through our normal routine and to meet up with 30 minutes to go before game time. I watched as Darrell Armstong had his coffee. I watched as Mateen Cleaves stretched. I watched Boki Bachbar get up a ton of shots. I then realized that I was the only one without a routine at all. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. This is not a crazy example, but it was a sign that I lack a certain amount of experience. It's like trying to beat the Sandman all over again. There are certain things I gotta do and learn before I ever get a real crack at Mike Tyson (the NBA).

Seriously though, coach Frank called me into his office the day after the preseason game and broke it down to me. He told me everything I already thought about why I was being released. He was very nice about it and professional. I know I need more strength, a given, but mainly I need more consistency, which stems from professionalism. Being a pro encompasses so many things. During camp I lacked confidence at times, aggressiveness, all the things that made me successful before. Veterans understand how to eliminate such thoughts. I think Malik Allen will have a good year this year and that the Nets will go far, because they have a lot of veterans who understand the meaning of what it takes to be a pro. I will be back in North Dakota learning how to work on a specific move, a routine, a signature thing about me that makes me a pro.

In the end, experience is everything. You can watch all the late night cinemax you want, but until you actually have sex, you have no idea what you're doing, right? I learned what the big show is all about and now I am prepared to take that final step. Im ready to beat the Sandman. I talked with the coach of the Dakota Wizards and he was enthusiastic about helping me help myself. He was enthusiastic about the fact that I was enthusiastic. He was ready to get to work to take my experience and talent and turn it into a skill set that translates directly to what I will be as an NBA player. Barring some sort of miracle contract overseas, I'll be doing just that -- taking the final step towards the ultimate goal.

Well, currently my family is on the brink of evacuation down in San Diego. I'm in LA safe and sound, but a number of homes of people I know have already started to burn. We live right on the water, so hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow telling me that everything is fine. If not, I know there are things more important than the material things that could go down in flames (well, my xbox and my wii are with me, so they are safe). My Vince Carter autographed shoe has less meaning now that I've shared a locker space with the guy. My Tiger Woods autograph became less important the day I dropped 24 on Stanford and he was there to see it. My family, my health, and my future are in the works now. I think it will all be ok, but who knows. Sorry to end on a somber note, but it is very odd blogging when my broither calls me to say that there is ash raining from the sky, which is orange and black, and that he has packed up eevrything he cares about. Like I said, we will see.

Video Blog: At the CAL vs UCLA Football Game

2007-10-22T12:00:03-07:00

Sirius Radio

2007-10-16T11:50:44-07:00

I had a nice sized blog ready to go yesterday before my computer turned off for no reason, thus forcing me to rewrite the whole thing. Expect to see it in the next couple of days. In the meantime, check me out on Sirius Satellite Radio Hardcore Sports channel 186 tonight at 9pm Pacific time. That is all.

Year 23, Day 1

2007-10-11T16:49:40-07:00

The 23rd year of my life began like every other day this past month. I woke up, checked my facebook (already flooded with happy birthday messages), got dressed, played a game of Madden (beat the Colts 77-0, on all madden) and went to practice.

Once I got to the practice facility, things took a turn. There were cameras waiting outside when I got out of the team van. The cameras actually filmed me going into the building. I know that you probably assume that they should want to follow me in, since I am one of nineteen players that they are supposed to film, but Rod Benson is on a lower spot on the totem pole than some of the big time guys, so I was very surprised.

I got into my gear, had a delicious Gatorade energy shake, and got my ankles taped. I have to reiterate how good these things are, the Gatorade shakes. Every time a baby laughs, I believe that the tears of joy that stream down their faces are collected by Gatorade scientists, mixed together with such wonderful ingredients as uncooked cake batter and sucrose syrup, and put into a wonderful green can. Remember 9/11? Yea, the exact opposite of that. I digress.

Once everyone was ready for practice, coach Frank called us all in for our usual pre-practice circle talk thing. With everyone paying the utmost attention coach Frank said he had to make an announcement.

"Guys, when one our own gets recognition, we should all be proud."

No way he is talking about me. No way.

"It just so happens that one of our guys is the very best at what he does."

He HAS to be talking about me. Really?

"Rod Benson..."

Yes!

"...has been recognized for having the #1 blog in professional sports. I read it in the newspaper yesterday."

Not knowing what to do, I gave a slight fist-pump. It was like MJ in the first quarter or Tiger Woods on the third green. Not the big time fist pump signaling victory, but a subtle, less energetic pump that says "there's still more work to do." I wish I was recognized by ESPN as the best basketball player in the history of the world, but blogging would have to do. Right then, in that moment, blogging definitely would do.

"Furthermore, it is his birthday today. Rookies have to sing happy birthday to him. Who are the rookies? Sean, and who else? I....guess it's just Sean. Sean, go ahead."

"Right now? In front of all the cameras?" Sean obviously didn't believe coach was serious. Everybody else on the team chimed in, making it pretty serious.

"Oh yea."
"Right now, gotta sing."
"Lets go rook. Happy Birthday. Sing it to Rod."

All I could do was laugh. It may have been more awkward for me that it was for Sean. I don't think he really had any problems doing it, because when he finally did, he seemed to enjoy his off-tempo, deep voiced, slightly mis-worded rendition of the birthday tune.

After practice, we split up into groups of 5 or so for an event called "Paint the Town." Basically, each group went to a different location and shook hands and signed autographs and whatnot. My group (Krstic, Boone, Ilic, and Armstrong) went to a McDonalds about 20 minutes away from the practice facility.

We all washed our hands and went to the back. They showed us the fridge and freezer rooms, the rooms where all the happy meal toys are kept, and then had us make a big mac. It took Darrel Armstrong 1 minute, 59 seconds to make one. Boone it took 1:29. Rod Benson got that bad boy done in 1:09. Should I be so celebratory? Yes. I should.

I would say how long it took Mile to get his done, but he didn't seem to comprehend too much. He seemed pretty content with the helium tank...

We then got behind the register and made some sales.

I was working the drive thru. I decided to sprinkle a little sunshine on the drive thru customers by placing a happy meal toy in their bag regardless of their order. I figure they will be so happy to have gotten a toy, that they will always return to that McDonalds. I was showing them that this particular McDonalds knows how business is done.

Well, as it turns out, the McDonalds people knew that it was my birthday somehow. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a cake all set up with candles and whatnot:

They sat me down in a chair while all the employees and PR people sang happy birthday to me. None of the players sang because only rookies sing. I guess. When the singing ended, one of the employees threw the cake in my face. I couldn't believe it. There was literally cake coming through my nostrils into my throat. It was gross. They brought me a bunch of napkins and whatnot so I could clean my face off. After about two minutes of wiping, I thought I had it all off...

Wrong. I continued to clean my face off in the bathroom for a few minutes more before it was really all gone.

I got back to the hotel later and I thought to myself that I had not yet done anything for my birthday. I had to do something. At about 8pm, I got into a cab and went to Wal Mart. What better place to spend an hour or two of my birthday than at the local Wal Mart? It's full of gifts I can give to myself if the mood strikes. In fact, I did buy a gift for myself. I bought a new digital camera that is "YouTube Approved". What does this mean to you? It means that my video making is back. A third chapter in the boom tho series? Dont count it out!

I left Wal Mart feeling satisfied with my purchase. I began to walk around aimlessly, when my brother called me. He informed me that he has now purchased 2 different halloween costumes. His first costume is the king from Burger King. Sounds pretty cool. His second is an inflatable ostrich that, when worn correctly, looks like a man is riding an ostrich with his legs flailing behind him. Looks like lil bro is on the right track to follow my footsteps. He purchased his costumes a month early, he chose funny and inventive costumes, and he chose two of them, obviously understanding that you dont just party once on halloween. Props lil bro, props. I told him that I intend to be the Kanye West bear. You know the bear with the little backpack and whatnot? Yea, that would be costume one. Costume two, the real costume, I figured I would be a fat guy. Like a fat version of Rod Benson. Kind of like Eddie Murphy and the Klumps. I would wear a fat suit, of course, but also get fat face makeup. I assume that I wouldn't have that much fun being fat and hot with makeup all over my face, but it would be hilarious, which is all I care about.

After I got off the phone with the bro, I walked past a movie theater. I stopped, thought about it, then walked back to the ticket office to see a movie. The only movie playing at 9pm was Mr. Woodcock. I bought my ticket and walked on in. I think there were about ten screens in this theatre, yet I was the only person in the whole building. Seriously. 3 employees and 1 total customer -- me. I went into my actual theatre to see Mr. Woodcock, and nobody else was in there. I've never been to a movie by myself before, let alone a 9pm showing with nobody else in attendance. It was kind of like having a private screening or something.

I yelled out "I guess nobody cares if I leave my ringtone on, right?" Of course there was no response. It was nice in a way. I used my phone, I laughed when things were funny and didnt fall into the trap of mob laughter. You know... laughing when something really isnt funny, but since everyone else is laughing, you get caught up in the moment and give an artificial laugh. No studio audience for me on that night.

I finished my night off with a call from my mom who said that the NBA TV guys called me intelligent. She then said that she always knew I was smart because I was the only newborn she knew who could hold their own bottle. Interesting.

Back at my hotel room that night, I did my best to recall every birthday I ever had...

My 22 other birthdays (minus 1-4, which I dont remember):

5: Got remote control car, which was cool except my brother got one too.. on my birthday. I never forgave grandma for that.
6. Got "Contra" on Nintendo. Awesome.
7. Won the paper airplane contest at day care with a design I learned from older kids the night before.
8. Dont Remember.. probably because I was consumed with trying to learn my coddamn times tables.
9. Got "Tecmo Bowl" on Nintendo. Awesome.
10. Got a new lot of Frank Thomas baseball cards as well as my A-Rod rookie and a Mickey Mantle.
11. Dont remember. Odd. I will blame excessive amounts of the newly released "Rice Krispies Treats" for this.
12. Camping with the homies and fishing for trout. Also, got my first AOL screen name and entered chat rooms pretending to be a 14 yr old named Shaun. I had a "14 year old girl named Stacey" sending me letters from Seattle. She loved safeway chicken nuggets, it was what we had in common. It was all good until mom saw a letter and banned me from the computer.
13. First set of Golf clubs.
14. Snowboarding in Big Bear.
15. Broke my wrist snowboarding in Big Bear, thus ending my snowboard career. I was also called out for being the only black guy to go snowbarding, being 6'7" at that, and consequently miss basketball season. After Jeff (my AAU coach) called me out, I quit boarding and focused on hoops. That talk led me to college basketball.
16. Took a trip to Santa Barbara with our high school girls volleyball team. It was on this trip that I discovered dance music beyond Jock Jams. DJ Sammy - Heaven... get on that.
17. Dont remember. I blame College recruiters for this.
18. First day of practice at CAL. I nearly fainted due to exhaustion.
19. Quiet night rebuilding my computer.
20. "Rod-Fest" as it was dubbed by my man Prelle. The greatest party ever thrown, basically. People danced on my futon and broke it, and I wasnt mad about it at all. Junior year was the greatest year ever.
21. Cal vs. UCLA football at the Rose Bowl. Although we lost, it was one of the greatest days in Rod Benson history.
22. JGant, Clay, Marty, Devon, and many more gettin it done in Berkeley. There are photos of this night, but I wont show them to you.

A year from now, I will have to do something spectacular. Until then...

What B-Melt has to say...

2007-10-10T11:35:07-07:00

Go back down and read "The Greatest Myspace story ever told, if you havent yet. When your done, my boy B-melt has some more to add. It is in his voice, so I'll let him say what he has to say...

Rod, you were pretty dead on about your story. but i do have a couple extra stories for your viewers enjoyment. SO EVERYONE, please continue to read... Everything happens in life for a reason, but when things happen like this, and when they happen to you, the only thing you can say is... "i know stuff like this can happen, but not to me!" it was weird, the more we talked, the more we had in common, the more we had in common, the more we clicked, the more we clicked, the more other people knew i was talkin to her. the more people that knew i was talkin to her, the more she hyped up the coolest white boy ever, i mean... SHE EVEN PUT A PIC OF ME ON HER MYSPACE PAGE! (now i dont think it can get any more honorable than that, LMAO) anyways... i havent lost total contact with her, she really is a good person, with a good heart... but its crazy to think not only did she have me fooled, but she had 75% of all professional athletes fooled, (i was the only white exception she ever made, so you gotta admit, that adds a little more spice to the story, lol)  The 1st story might be the most ironic of all stories. in 2000,When i was a freshman at Illinois, i actually talked to her online many times, and we conversed back and forth about people and life in general. i remember sending her a picture of me and yao ming together...anyways... more than 5 years later, we ironically became friends on myspace, (which at the time, i had no idea i even knew her) and she immediately sent me that pic of me and yao ming, which freaked me the hell out, i mean... how in the world did she get that? i mean, that picture was taken over 6 years ago! and i forgot i even had that picture! anyways, that convinced me that OF COURSE, I DID KNOW HER, and by the looks of her pics... I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER SOME MORE!!!   In fact, that leads me to story #2...the more i got to know her, the more she name dropped, and i started to realize we had many mutual friends, she actually got me into clubs in SD with out even being within 3,000 miles from me. i was waiting in line at "aubergine" downtown, and there were some Chargers having a party in there, some i knew, some i didnt, but the ones i knew, SHE KNEW! so, she hit them up on their TMAIL, saying, "hey, my boy is waitin in line outside the club, can you get him in?" the next thing i knew, i had some of the Chargers coming out to get me, bmelt, into the club! how crazy is that? im just a white boy from the country with connects from all over the globe. LOL...  now its time for story #3,which is by far,last but not least... what im about to say is going to be said for a total sense of humor that you happened to leave out of your story, so please "Tiffany", dont get mad, its only as funny as you made it, At a certain "white party" in the summer of 06' i ran into this Kelly guy... he asked me... "hey, are you really dating 'Tiffany'?" and at that time, i was the only one in america who knew "the truth", i just didnt want to blow her cover, so i responded "yeah, sure AM!!!" he said, "DAMN YOURE LUCKY, i've seen her pictures, DAMN SHE'S GOT A PHAT ASS!!!" my only response i could think of was "you got that right!" anyways, i thought that would add some humor to your story.   i could go on and on about stories that i encountered on my 6 month journey with this "Tiffany" character. but its just not worth it. she's a good girl, who made a mistake, all people make mistakes, but atleast she got the chance to live the life that many people can only dream of...being a "MYSPACE JUMP-OFF"!!!   good luck to you RB, it was great sharing stories with you this summer at Glen Park!   the infamous, bMelt. Once you become famous, you can never become UN-famous, you can only become IN-famous!!! remember that...  "Matthew 19:26; with god, all things are possible"

East Coastin' Part 2

2007-10-01T15:43:17-07:00

I've now been in New Jersey for a month. I'm gonna be honest with you. I probably spent 20 hours a day inside the hotel during the week. The other four hours were spent in the gym. After reading both of my Patterson books in the first few days, I needed something more to do. First, it was watching different episodes of The Hills After Show online. I even watch "An American Tale"... twice. I know the songs "Never Say Never" and "Somewhere Out There" by heart now. Then, it was onto other various things on MTV.com such as casting and what not. I figure if they have a "True Life: I Live in a Hotel" or something like that, I should be a shoe in. Now it's time to recap the whole month in one post. So what if it's a long post... deal with it.

Anyways, one day I was just laying around, staring out at the NYC skyline, when I remembered how fun xbox 360 used to be. I remembered the good times xbox and I used to have. I kind of felt like it was an ex-girlfriend who gave me the "it's not you it's me" line. It just gave me 3 red lights, peaced, and never came back. Well, I decided that enough was enough. I decided to take action and get my girl back.

I went online and found a ton of results on XBOX 360 and the 3RLOD (three red lights of death). As it turns out, the 3RLOD is a ridiculously common thing with the 360. Lucky for me there were plenty of tutorials on how to fix that bad boy. There were many schools of thought on the 3RLOD, many of which dealt with cooling and heat sink issues. I basically read a couple tutorials, selected the one for me, and got to work. Considering the fact that I used to build PCs from components, I felt that I could get the job done.

As you can see, I took my box completely apart. What you see is the motherboard outside of the casing with the DVD drive and fans removed. In the first photo you also see all the tools that I bought from the Secaucus, New Jersey Home Depot, a blueberry muffin, some packages of mustard, and a coke. The muffin came in handy during the hard work as there was quite a bit of trial and error. I like muffins. If you dont like a good blueberry muffin you dont like rainbows, sunshine, smiling babies.... you dont like anything.

So, I actually had to go back to home depot about 3 times to get the correct parts to do this. The hotel actually has a shuttle that takes me about a quarter mile away from home depot, where I get out and walk the rest of the way, then wait 2 hours for the shuttle to come back and pick me up. Over the course of 3 days, I spent about 6 hours waiting for shuttles to pick me up from the waiting spot.

Well, after I finally got it all right, I put my box back together and turned on some guitar hero 2...

I dont know if you can see it, but that little green light used to be 3ROLD. It is now a glowing green symbol of hard work, freedom, and entertainment. I played guitar hero for about an hour, then I shuttled back over to best buy and picked up Halo 3 and Madden 08. I havent played guitar hero again, and I barely opened the halo box. What I have done is played a full season of Madden with The Titans and Vince Young. I also beat Sean Williams repeatedly last night. After 4 straight losses, you would think he'd understand that I am simply better than him, but he hasnt. Point is, my weekdays were now filled with blissful, Madden 08 joy. Maybe I'l start Halo soon, but who knows?

Weekdays taken care of, I headed out to Manhattan and Brooklyn on the weekends to get my fill of the NYC lifestyle. One of the things I have started doing is watching college football at a bar on saturdays. Now, there is a reason for this. 3 weeks ago, I was invited by some friends to watch the Chargers vs. Bears game at a local bar. Turns out the bar was a Chicago Bears fan bar or something. I was in the mix with a hundred Bears fans who literally cussed me out when I jumped up in excitement. The next week, we were looking for a place to watch some college football and we walked into a Notre Dame fan bar. Not wanting to see grown men cry, we left and ended up at a Auburn fan bar. Finally I decided to find out where the #3 Cal fans go to watch the Bears play. Turns out there is a bar on 19th and 1st ave. in Manhattan where the Cal Alumni Association of New York gets together to watch the bears. I have now been there 2 weeks in a row.

Game days at M.J. Armstrong's Bar.

After the Oregon game, I went with my boys B-Walk and Clayton down to world trade center ground zero. You cant see much down there, but thats the point. The hole in the middle of the financial district is pretty ricoddamndiculous.
The sign says "Reflect". I did just that. I got reminded of why it's scary to live in New York. Just a week before I was standing in front of the Waldorf Astoria hotel, trying to hail a cab in the midst of hundreds of police, secret service, and firemen. I guess the UN Summit requires a high amount of security. All it means to me is that I was too close to the danger. When I noticed what was going on with all the police and whatnot, I stopped waiting for a cab. I jogged a couple blocks away and started waiting there... further away from the kaboom.

After visiting ground zero, I went to go meet up with my boy Steve Panawek at my other boy Adam Duritz's house.

I know what youre thinking: "Adam Duritz is your boy?" Yes he is. 10% because I played at Cal and he is a Cal fan. 90% because he already knows it's boom tho. I asked him if he would be a part of my next video (should I choose to make one) and he said he was mad that he wasnt in the second one. Then I asked him where the bathroom was and he said "Use the rockstar bathroom down to the left." Let me tell you first and foremost, I have never taken photos of another man's bathroom, and I dont intend to do it again, but sometimes you gotta do it:

I couldnt help but get a picture of what a 7X platinum plaque really looks like... and half the time this one smells like human feces because it's in his guest bathroom of all places.

Enough of the nonsense. I have been out here for a month playing basketball too. Ive seen all kinds of guys come and go. Matt Frieje? Gone. Mateen Cleaves? Here all month. It's funny because way back in January, I went on my blog and said Mateen Cleaves had a rather large head, among other things. Now, he is one of my favorite guys around here, although I don't see him fitting into a Yankees Cap anytime soon.

As the month went on, more and more guys started coming back from their summer places and showing up at the gym. I knew that a day would come where I would see J Kidd. I had a talk with my man Clayton about it a couple weeks ago. I told him that I was just gonna let the whole cousin thing go. I told him that I was sure Jason had enough family and friends without another random guy trying to claim things. Clay said that I should start a conversation based around the fact that we both attended Cal, and that from there, it would be a lot easier to lead into family business. Well, one day, I was walking through the training room and there Jason was. He was just sitting around relaxing. I kind of froze up so I kept walking as if to give the impression that I was used to seeing a big time guy like him all the time. Right then he says hi to me. I say hi back and keep it moving.

I was almost out the door when the trainer, who was seated next to him said "So what's this about you two being cousins?"

Jason looked up at him and said "What? What are you talking about?"

Oh no, I thought. Bad timing. No introduction, no Cal conversation starter, just a confused J Kidd looking at me for an explanation.

"Oh umm yea, I guess we are supposed to be related," I said. The classic downplay. "I was told we were cousins or something like that. I mean, thats what my grandfather said. So, I mean, we could be. Who knows?"

"Ok well what's his name?"

He wasn't supposed to ask any questions. This was not going well on my end.

"Clarence Kidd," I answered with a shaky tone.

"Ok. Where is he out of?"

More questions.

"Shreveport Louisiana. Like I said, you never know, right?"

"Yea, you never know."

I rushed out awkwardly. I was just completely unprepared to deal with the matter. He just showed up that day out of the blue. I went back into the locker room and sent Clay a text letting him know that Plans A and B had gone awry. I informed him of Plan C and the under-sell I used due to my lack of preparation. Clay informed me that there would be plenty of opportunities to not look like an idiot in front of him.

The first of those opportunities was actually the very next day. We had a coaches versus players softball game at Yankees stadium. Thats right, Yankees stadium.

The stadium, the legends, me, and my Nets softball jersey

Anyways, before the game, it became clear that some basketball players were never meant to swing a bat or wear a glove. I wont name names. In any case, since I have a solid baseball track record (ENC Little League Champ, '96), I played first base. Before I went over there, J Kidd asked me if I could catch. I let him know that I could, of course. He was playing short stop, meaning I would be counted on to get the job done.

When we got up to bat for the first time, Jason set up the order with guys he could count on at the top of the order. I was somewhere around 8th in the lineup. 6 RBI later, everyone knew that I had skills.

Up by one run with 2 outs in the top of the 9th, there was a hard ground ball hit right at Eddie GIll who was playing second. He fielded it, stepped on second, and threw the double play ball right to my open glove. It popped right out and both runners were safe. Sussman, who was working the PA, says to the whole stadium "Are you gonna put that in the blog?"

I could tell that everyone was now beginning to second guess my little league ability. What people failed to realize was that the ball was huge and the gloves were way too small and not broken in. First base may have been the toughest position to play.

Next batter rips one down the left field line...just foul. Real coddamn close. Next pitch he hits a hard ground ball up the middle. J Kidd runs about 20 feet and fields the ball while running left. Still running, he hurls the ball towards me and I can tell its gonna be a bang bang play. Suddenly, I realize that the ball is about to bounce about 4 feet in front of me. I stretch out as far as I can, reach my glove, and I feel the ball hit my glove as I whip my arm back up. I look at the glove and the ball is in there... just barely. Game time. How do you spell redemption? R-O-D. Take that Sussman. I hear J Kidd say something about a Cal connection. Although it was just softball, it was something more at that moment. It was a couple cousins making plays at Yankess stadium. Just call him Jeter. Call me Pujols. Call us the Cal connection (his words not mine).

After the game, workouts continued as usual. R Jeff showed his face, Vince Carter started coming in, everybody was getting in good work.

I talked with my mom on the phone the other day and she was asking a lot of motherly questions. She asked me "Does that boy Carter know that you have his shoe autographed?"

"No mom."

"Well are you gonna tell him?"

"NO MOM."

"Well wouldn't it be funny if you did?"

"Mom, I gotta go."

I felt like she was being ridiculous. Well, wouldnt you know it? Next day I am taking the sticker off the inside of my practice shorts. Vince, who sits right next to me in the locker room (or in my chair if he feels like it, who am I to tell him to move?), tells me that I can just rip the whole tag right off. I rip the tag off easily and give a look that says "Impressive". He then says "Hey, ten years."

"Ten years? You havent been in the league 10 years," I say to him.

"This is my tenth year. Yea, year number ten."

"Haha thats funny beca-"

He cut me off.

"No, I don't want to know what you were doing ten years ago," he said laughing.

"It's not that, it's just... I have had your shoe autographed in my room since I was 14. I remember when i got it. I was so happy. I was like 'Man...VC wears these? Awesome.'"

"You got them as a gift?"

"Yea. It was like the best day I had that whole year. You have been making dreams come true for 10 years now I guess."

"Well just call me Make-A-Wish then."

I guess my mom was right. I brought it up and we both got a laugh. But it is crazy to think about sometimes. I have 3 autographs in my house that matter: Tiger Woods on my junior high ID card, Kareem Abdul Jabbar on a basketball, and Vince Carter on a shoe. When I play miniature golf with Tiger, maybe we will have a similar talk.

...And then there's Jamaal Magloire. The thing about him, what makes him blog worthy I should say, is that he is just like Lil John. No, he doesn't have dreadlocks. No, he doesnt rap (to my knowledge). No, he is not from the ATL. Actually, he is probably nothing like Lil John. He is actually more like Dave Chappelles version of LIl John. If you have ever seen "A Moment in the Life of Lil John", then you know that Lil John talks with the utmost clarity, calm, and annunciation most of the time, but every now and then he gets crunk and goes "YEEAAAHHHH", "WHAATTTTT?", or "OOOKAAAAYYYY!". Basically there are two sides to him. The first time I played on the same court as Jamaal, I noticed that he is kind of a wild man. He plays like a beast, but that aint the half. He literally yells out different words depending on the situation kind of the way Lil John does. He was yelling and grunting and causing a scene. Immediately after the game, he walked over to me and said, in the most perfect english I may have ever heard, "Hello. My name is Jamaal. Aren't you so excited for the upcoming season? That's when the money comes."

I was astonished. I was thinking that there is no way this is the same guy. Its like seeing the incredible hulk turn back into Bruce Banner. This guy is so animated that you dont even have to watch the game to know whats going on. He gives his own play by play. I have composed a short list of these sounds/sayings and what they mean:

1. "HEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!"
When you hear this, it means that he was just fouled, probably while attempting a shot.
2. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
This means he has just blocked a shot.
3. "MIIINNNNNNNEEEE!
Sounds similar to the seagulls from "finding nemo". You hear this when he grabs a rebound.
4. "YESSS!"
He is open. Get him the coddamn ball.

Now, he can combine these as well. For example: if you hear "NOO MIINNEE" it means he blocked a shot and rebounded it. You get what I'm saying?

Onto other things... The new Ping Pong power rankings are out. Now that everyone is around, here is how the guys who wield the paddle fare:

1. John Zisa (BBall Operations Assistant)
2. Jumaine Jones
3. Eddie Gill
4. Bostjan Nachbar
5. Gary (Equipment Guy)
6. Rod Benson
7. Sean Williams
8. Vince Carter

I have a lot of potential to move up in the rankings, but I have too many unforced errors. My 7'3" wingspan helps me cover a lot of ground, but my backhand is still too weak to compete. I would actually be at the bottom of the list seeing how Vince has yet to play, but since he walks by everyday and makes comments about my game, I have ranked him below me. Until he steps up and accepts my challenge, he has nothing to say to me.

Well, training camp has officially started. It was cool on media to see my name on a real NBA jersey.
better than ordering one on NBA.com

After the media hype was over, it was time to get to work. Coach Frank has basically given me more information to learn in 2 days than I have ever had in my life. Hes a funny guy off the court, but once that ball goes up, its all bout the bidness. It's kind of like taking a summer school class where you have to learn a year worth of info in 4 weeks... if that class was Molecular Toxicology. Unlike the veterans, the hardest part for me is not physical, it's mental. Not unlike any other camp guy, I've been yelled at, and I've been congratulated. As the week goes on, I have to get the yells down and the pats on the back up.

The fact of the matter is, the guys at this level are all great at something. Smart, fast, hardworking, athletic... something. After my first two days of my first training camp, it becomes easier to see the areas that I excel at at this level, and the things I have to work on and get better. It's much more black and white to me now.

My Agent, Bill, and I talked about this at length a couple weeks ago. He told me about the process and how it all works. We may have talked for like 20-30 minutes. I dont think we have ever talked that long on the phone. It showed me that he has my best interest at heart. I think he may have been a bit worried because some other guys call me and try to sway me to sign with them and go to europe, but if theres one thing I know, its loyalty. I'm all about the entree and not the sides haha. Anyways, my point is that Bill had some foresight into my camp experience and let me know how these things go. He told me to stick with it regardless what happens here, and that I will be successful regardless. To quote him: "When you make it, we are gonna get you a lot of money. You just gotta make it." I like the sound of that Bill.

Speaking of Bill... today Bill Parcells was there watching us practice. Mann its so tight seeing and meeting people you respect so much on a daily basis. I hit a jumper and I remember thinking "Big Tuna saw me knock down the J, sweet." I then wondered what I would say if I had a chance to talk to him. I realized that the questions I have were already asked...

Lastly, I want to go back to Sussman. You may know him from a little blog on the front page of NJnets.com. It's called "Sussman Sez". The first day I was at the Nets facility, he walks up to me and sez "George Benson! We need to go 1 on 1 in blogging." Since then I have been looking at his blog. It would be cool to go 1 on 1 with him, but I just don't think it's fair. I mean you can actually UNDERSTAND mine. Why? Because I don't write in stream of consciousness. What is stream of consciousness? Wikipedia says "Stream of consciousness is a literary technique that seeks to portray an individual's point of view by giving the written equivalent of the character's thought processes, either in a loose interior monologue, or in connection to his or her sensory reactions to external occurrences." In other words, I have no idea what Sussman is trying to say. Suss, if you wanna go 1 on 1, you have to play fair and make sure I can process what exactly is going on in your head baby!

If you read Sussman Sez, let me know if which blog you prefer. I will be keeping tally.

Also, there is an open practice on Saturday, if you're there, say hi. If not, send me birthday presents on Oct 10th. I have the same birthday as Brett Favre... thats how I know Im destined for greatness.

Long post, I know, but hey... you read it right?

Ode to Jenna Fischer

2007-09-16T19:00:45-07:00

If you didn't get a look at the new number 4 on my home page, Jenna Fischer has taken the place. Now, you must understand that I don't think I have any real shot of meeting her, however, I love "The Office", which she stars in. I loved her in Blades of Glory. I recently was informed that she is getting a divorce. Now, after adding her to my friends on MySpace, I have decided to write her a poem so that she knows just how I feel...

Ode to Jenna Fischer

But soft, what light breaks through yonder television?
It is the east, and Jenna Fischer is the sun
I don't mean to be silly, sick, crazy or rude
But when I watch The Office, I wanna be your dude
I cant fight like Roy, Im not as cool as Jim
But Im taller and blacker than both of them
I think if you read just a few of my blogs
Youd accept my invitation to play a game of pogs
Or Madden, or double dutch, whatever you like
Then youd never forget me, like riding a bike
I saw Blades of Glory and envied Will Farrell's right hand
Tonight you be a woman, and I'll be a man
I'm Doug and youre Patty, Im Stan and your Wendy
I'll move to LA, where we'll both be so Trendy
We could keep it a secret, make it sound like a fable
Like Monica and Bill, keep it under the table
People will say that were crazy the day that we wed
They'll compare you to Britney, and me to K Fed
Accept my MySpace friendship, that would be great
You could be my number 1, not just my top 8
Ill send you flowers like roses and daisies
If you said you wanted me, Id say back "Same-zies"
I know youve got trouble, divorces are hard
So let me take you out on my Chili's gift card
If I make the League, then youll be convinced
Just dont run off with R Jeff or Vince
On September 27th you go back to Pam Beasely
Ill be watching feeling a little bit sleazy
Imagining you and me closing my room do'
Because you already know it's boom tho!

The End.

East Coastin'!

2007-09-10T18:35:50-07:00

I stepped off the plane in Newark, New Jersey and headed down to the carousel to get my bag. I spent the next 45 minutes just waiting for my bag to come out. I don't think I've ever waited so long, but it wasn't bad because I got to inspect the scenery. People were talkin with their accents which was pretty sweet. There was actually a driver waiting for me who was holding a sign that said "Benson" which was also pretty sweet. He had an accent too, another thing that was sweet. I think I heard someone use the word "wiseguy" -- again, sweet. I walked over to the towncar and got in. As we headed to the hotel I could see the New York skyline. Sweet. I also saw some really big docks. I've seen enough T.V. to know that you don't want to end up "down by the docks", which I thought was sweet. I finally got to the hotel and went to my room and laid my head down. Right before I went to bed I thought to myself "You're on the east coast. Sweet."

The next day I headed over to the Nets practice facility with a couple other guys who are also up here early to work out. The workout was real tough, but that's just how it goes. Coaches were walking around saying hi to guys and I kind of felt like a no name. Then I hear somebody say "Rod Benson!"

I turn around and one of coaches says "Dont put me in the blog."

I started laughing. Then I started coughing. Then I was damn near choking and my eyes started to water. I guess I was choking on my own spit.

He then said "Wow. I didn't mean to get you all choked up."

I tried to say something, but I just walked away. Great Rod. Somebody knows your name and you really show him your charismatic side. Such a well spoken kid, this guy Rod Benson, right? Wrong. Just a big Chokey McChoklelstein. Congratulations. Welcome to the Nets. Maybe I should try pissing my pants next time. That could make a better first impression.

As the week went on, I got used to the pace and conditioning of the workouts. They don't go long, but the workouts are very intense and tiring. It is pretty tight getting instruction from Bill Cartwright though. It's like Vince Vaughn getting a dodgeball lesson from Patches O'Hoolihan. You can't beat legendary instruction.

I've probably made one solid friend since coming out here. His name is Matt Freije. Matt is cool cause he just keeps it real and we both enjoy a good laugh. He checked out my videos and was obviously very impressed with my cinematography skills. We also go head to head a lot in the workouts. There were a couple plays where we were going at it real hard. On one play I recovered just in time to block Matt's shot. He say's to me "Mann you long armed inspector gadget fool."

The next play he up fakes me and scores. I say back to him "You crafty ass white boy coddamn."

It's pretty much the nature of our relationship. We had a free throw competition and we had both made like 15 straight, first person to miss would lose. As my 16th shot rolled around the rim and barely fell in, Matt said "So you're begging now?"

I fired back "No, I'm not your wife."

After the 3rd day, we started playing Ping Pong as part of our post workout ritual. We've gotten some other guys involved now. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, Matt and I brought ping pong back. There are about 6 guys playing right now. Today I declared myself a second tier ping pong player, because there are a couple guys better than me, but I'm also clearly better than some guys, including Matt. Matt then says "Well if you're second tier, what does that make me?"

"It means you better hope there's a fourth tier or you're in a world of hurt." Almost too easy.

This past weekend I finally escaped the hotel and went to Manhattan. I did a lot of research online to figure out where I could get on a subway and make it out to the city. When I finally figured it out, I caught a shuttle and made my way to the subway.

I don't know what it is about this place, but it's just kind of scary. I feel like New York is just hyped up as such a tough place. Like everybody is out to get me or something. I mean I guess it comes from watching too much T.V., but I don't know. Think about it. This is the only city in the world that needs the Fantastic Four, Spiderman, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to protect it. If you get past them, you still have to deal with various Heros from Heros, like Hiro. Then they have CSI and NYPD Blue.

My point is that New York is just scary. Way too many factors to worry about. Still, regardless of the reports that April O'Neil delivers on the channel six news about Shredder and The Foot, I felt confident enough to get on the subway train and head out. It was really sweet when I stepped out of the train station and it was underneath Madison Square Garden.

I met up with my boy who lives in a $5,000 a month luxury apartment 20 yards from the garden -- even sweeter. He basically showed me how fun New York really is. This club, that club, limo here, bottle service there, women women women. Pretty much awesome. I know that the chances of a free agent getting signed after camp are very slim, but man I feel like I need to live here. Like if I get cut maybe I'll just retire for a while and become a New Yorker regardless of how scary it is or ridiculous that sounds. This place is awesome.

I finally settled down a little bit Sunday. Perfect time to watch my fantasy football team get absolutely dominated. I felt like I yielded a pretty solid team for having the last pick in the draft, but if you wanna talk underachievement, talk Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Terry Glenn (coddamit) Braylon Edwards.. I could go on. My highest scorer was my kicker Adam Vinatieri. They laughed at me for drafting a kicker in the 7th round. Who's laughing now? The Wyld Stallions, that's who. Yea, we're called the Wyld Stallions. I wish I could go back in time like Bill and Ted and draft Plaxico Burres instead of Terry Glenn.

Well this is a big week ahead for me. A lot more guys are showing up to work out. A lot more ping pong matches are to be played. Manhattan is calling my name, and the Wyld Stallions are looking to bounce back. Today someone else on the staff mentioned my blog. Sweet. All in all, I would say this past week has been just that.

The Greatest MySpace Story Ever Told

2007-09-06T17:52:35-07:00

Normally, you come to tmrb and you see the word MySpace and get a little bit giddy. You think that the new installment of messages could have you laughing so hard that you pee your pants. Maybe your pants are still wet from the last time. Well, this time is different. This is one of those few stories that really isn't just comedy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll curse the day you ever signed up for myspace. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I've actually had the materials to write this story for a year. I write it today for a couple of reasons. First, and more importantly, I lost a lot of the info when my computer crashed in July, so I have to write it out while it's still fresh in my mind. Secondly, it is the one year anniversary of the day I first heard the greatest myspace story ever told...

Where do I begin? How about spring 2005? In the spring of 2005, I was just coming off my big year at CAL. I'll admit it, I felt pretty big time for like 3 weeks until I got hurt. In the meantime, I was riding my wave of emotion and hype that would lead into my senior year. My hype spilled over into my myspace page for a long time. All my pictures were of me dunking or shooting or blocking somebody's shot ferociously (Matt Haryasz haha). My page basically screamed "big time" to anyone who saw it... or so I thought.

Anyways, in about mid march 2005, I got a myspace message. I opened it. It said "Hey sexy. What's up?" If you've read anything myspace related on tmrb, you know that I get these kinds of messages all the time from these disgusting women. This day was different. When I looked at the profile of the woman before me, I saw this:

face blurted out on purpose, but who cares?

Are you thinking what I was thinking? Of course. Reply! Reply! Reply! Well, not so fast Rod Benson. I looked over her profile. She had about 600 friends and maybe 400 of them were athletes that I recognized. It was basically a who's who of pro and college athletes on myspace. I kind of felt like she was a big time groupie, but then I also thought that this was justification that I was now big time. I mean coddamn she had NFL and NBA guys on there and she wanted Rod Benson too. Recruiting for the next level I guess.

Well, I decided to back off of the initial game plan to seriously put the moves on this girl. The way I saw it, she was far too big time and making moves with guys much more big time than me. Her name was "Tiffany Burris" (I changed the name like I said). We became friends, actually, and I would always joke with her and say "Man I need to be in the NBA so girls who look like you will really want me." She would always laugh and agree.

Over the next year we would talk every now and then, mostly on Instant Messenger, but occasionally over the phone. It was during this time that I really got to know her. In the beginning, she told me that she was talking to one of my boys who was in the NBA. I informed her that I know him very well, so we would always talk about him and her and what they were doing. I even talked to him about her. He seemed to actually be a little annoyed that I knew her, like I was moving in on his territory. I told him that it didn't matter because I lived on the other side of country. Tiffany and I talked about my boy at first and then moved on to others.

There was a song that I listened to all the time called "MySpace Jump Off" which was basically about a guy who met a girl on myspace. Tiffany told me that she knew the guy who made the song and that she was the inspiration.

She told me about another NBA guy she was talking to who I didn't really know well, but definitely knew of. She informed me that he was going to fly her out for the week and that she would be nearby where I was so we should hang out. I remember thinking that this dude must really like this girl to fly her out and let her stay for the week, especially since she just got through dating my boy who is also in the NBA. I talked to her about the new guy. She told me all kinds of things about him. She told me that he was damn near in love with her and that he had no problem flying her out.

When the time came for her to make her trip, I guess she broke things off with the new NBA guy, because she never came out. Time went on and we remained pen pals of sorts. We updated each other with our happenings every now and then. The thing about it was, her happenings were always so big time. This woman IM'd me from the AFC Championship game in Denver in 2006. When she told me about the guy who flew her out there I remember thinking "Mann that guy has all kinds of skills on Madden. He's definitely a sleeper that people don't expect to have such good ratings." I let her know that I always move him up the depth charts when he is available. She laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the game.

She then IM'd me from the NBA finals in Miami a few months later. Some dude must have paid her way down there too. Coddamit. This girl was just way too much. Over the course of the summer, she also attended Portsmouth Pre-Draft camp, Orlando Pre-Draft camp, Las Vegas and Long Beach NBA summer league. This girl was everywhere athletes were. She wasn't just a groupie, she was a super groupie. Paid trips to every sport's fan's dream locations year round, dates with the biggest of the big time, she had it all. It was after the NBA summer leagues that I didn't speak with her again. She just kind of fell off of the earth. I didn't see her on AIM any more, so I assumed she got involved in a serious relationship and gave up the AIM for a while.

Now is when the story really begins...

September 6, 2006, I was kickin it at JGant's house as usual. I was sitting in his livingroom, having many AIM conversations on this very laptop. Out of nowhere, I get an IM from this girl saying "can I talk to you for a minute?" Now when I saw this, a couple of things came to mind. First, when someone says can we talk for a minute, it never, ever is a minute. It's usually the most serious of conversations. Secondly, I didn't personally feel that we were close enough of friends to talk "for a minute".

I lost our AIM conversation when my hard drive failed, but I remember it with 97% accuracy. I will recount the conversation here to fill you in on our minute of IM-ing:

Tiffany Burris: Rod Benson:
Can you please just let me type to you?
I have some stuff I gotta get out.
Sure. Whats goin on?
I'm buggin out right now.
like buggin the F out
I want to kill myself
I'v tried to before and it scares me. I locked myself
in my room to try to calm down but I cant.
wait what? r u serious right now?
what r u talking about?
today I was driving home and I almost swerved
off the road.
when I was downstairs I grabbed a knife and
all I could think about was cutting myself
Im so scared of what I might do
whoa whoa whoa calm down dont do anything
crazy
why are you talking like this
youre right just stay in your room
cuz imagine
you wake up and its 5 years from now
and you havent had anybody
no friends not even a best friend
no family
everybody around you uses you
nobody wants you
youre embarrassed to go outside
you go to school for no reason really
you work just to pay the bills
you feel so so so so so empty inside
youre just so empty
thats my life
Dont say that
you have plenty of friends
I know a lot of them
A ton of people want you. you have plenty to be happy about
I just dont understand where your coming from
well if you had done all the bad stuff I
have in my life and had karma do this to you
youd feel the same way too
youre way too hard on yourself
you cant think so negatively
nothing youve done could have been so bad
rod ive lied to 99% of the people I know
hey I might have lied to 100, so what everybody lies
no Ive had a bad lie, wanna know?
sure if you wanna tell me
well I might as well tell you since I lied to you too

in the spring of 99 i started my freshman year of
college. during my first week I was raped, I quit the
lacrosse team I went there for, and met my future
fiance. some crazy stuff but I guess it helps you
grow as a person.

anyways one day I was driving and I started getting
dizzy. different than being drunk it was like 1000x
worse. I went to see the doctor they said my dizziness
was vertigo. They checked a bunch of stuff and found
out I had hypothyroidism.

It explained a lot because my hair had been thinning,
I had put on a lot of weight, and I hadnt had my period
in years. all separate I didnt notice, but together it
al made sense.

my fiance said hed be there for me and support me
but he left me soon after the diagnosis because of
the weight I had gained. I found out later that he had
cheated on me the whole time. I dont know why he
dated me in the first place.

anyways... some girl friends of mine knew this one girl
who is such a money hungry groupie. She so
everything you always thought I was. One day we
made a myspace pretending to be her to out her for
everything she was. I got caught up in it, I couldnt
stop. All these people wanted to be my friend because
I looked like her. They would have never even
talked to me otherwise.

It became bad because I actually made "friends" on
there. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself earlier
this summer because of the guilt or whatever.

but thats my story. I have no friends, no family.
the people who were my friends never talk
to me anymore. I dont show my face in public
because people stare at me, laugh at me.

I saw an old friend of mine the other day and
when she saw what has become of me, she
started crying.

I really have nothing to live for.

the doctor said Im on the path to being dead
by the time Im 35, Im 26.

I told your boy the other day. He was nice about it,
but I dont think he will ever talk to me again
wait wait wait

what are you saying here

are you saying that the girl in the picture is you
or it isnt you?
umm the second one
but my boy? you and him used to date, right?
I never actually met him. if I did and I looked
like that, we would have definitely had sex,
I dont think he would have accepted any
thing else
OH SNAP forreal!? That is unbelievable.

-------------------- end of conversation -------------------------

That isn't actually where the conversation ended, but that's all you really need to read. I realized that I was being insensitive to a person who needed help, so I changed the subject soon afterwards. I still had so many questions though, and not enough answers. I called up my boy Kelly who had also IMd with her in the past. I told him about the whole thing. He was just as shocked as I was. My boy who had "dated" her was also friends with Kelly. We laughed for a second at the fact that he was really hyped up on a girl who didn't exist. He actually was a little angry with me for IMing her. His girlfriend who didnt exist. Haha, classic.

Then I got to thinking. I IMed this girl, Tiffany Burris, for a year and a half. That's a long time to pretend to be someone else. I TALKED to her on the phone a couple times. She played the role there too. No way. A year and a half? No way. I got thinking some more. Did she really go to these events? Was she really at the NBA Finals? The AFC championship? Portsmouth pre draft camp? The thing is, I remember a lot of things about what she said while she was at those games. I would believe that she really was there. I actually still do believe that she really was there. Maybe she really was flown out. Maybe she really did accept tickets based on her myspace profile. Maybe she just never actually met up with these people. Maybe.

More answers were needed. As it turns out, Kelly knew a guy who was in a picture with her. I contacted this guy. Before getting back to me, he called her first. She sent me another IM the next day.

"Do you think I was lying about lying to you?"

"No, there's just so much to this."

That was the extent of our convo.

The guy, better known as B-Melt did in fact get back to me. I actually saw him at the Glen Park Classic basketball tournament about a month ago. To quote him: "Man she had so many people jockin her it was unbelievable. There's still a lot of guys who don't know that she doesn't exist. If word got out that that girl died, people would go out and get tattoos saying 'Rest In Peace Tiffany Burris.'"

B-Melt, in fact, never met her. I asked to see the photo they supposedly took together. He sent me this:

It is obviously the most photoshopped pic of all time. She definitely had Kelly fooled. B-Melt said that she sent it to him to suggest what they would look like together. He then said that the girl in these photos actually dates a real NBA player. Tiffany Burris used pictures of a girl who really dates an athlete, which I why I blurred her face. B-Melt went on to say that Tiffany, the real girl not the myspace person she pretended to be, actually did meet my boy who is in the NBA. I guess since she obviously looks completely different than the pictures he would think of, he never even knew that he met her. What's worse is that I asked my boy who "dated" her about the situation when I saw him in Vegas. He said that he heard that she was actually a HE!

I have no idea what the truth is, but I do know that this fake person had a lot of people going all over the country. All it took was some nice pictures and a myspace page to execute the project. I, Rod Benson, have done a lot of crazy things in my life, but falling in love with or making a song about or giving tickets to a girl who never existed is NOT on the list.

The End.

Don't Make Me Punch You in the Balls... Again

2007-08-29T20:22:39-07:00

This past saturday I was out at Slide (upscale San Francisco nightclub) with JGant, Clay, and Cedric. The thing about Slide is that it's a lot like L.A. clubs. Tight women basically can just walk right in, while women who the bouncers think aren't good enough to walk right in and all men without a VIP table have to wait out side. Even then, men can't get in unless they have at least 50% women in their group. Well, Clay and I were on the list, so we didn't have to worry about female accompaniment. JGant and Cedric were on their own to find some womens to help them get into the club.

JGant was the only one drinking that night so it was no surprise when we walked back up with the only 3 girls in line that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Then again, he had to make his way in somehow. Right before we got in, 3 other girls that I wouldn't call terrible, butI also wouldn't call the cream of the crop walked by and said "Look at those guys," clearly talking about JGant and myself.

Cedric, Me, and JGant at Slide

I disregarded all six of the women and made my way inside. As usual, there was a lot of talent in there. I'm telling you, in S.F. you can't get more eye candy than slide. As my eyes were making their way around the room, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around and saw that it was that same group of girls who were looking at us outside. Like I said, they weren't terrible, but I mean, I really wasn't interested.

One of them yelled over the music "Why don't you loosen up and dance?"

I, having a complete understanding of club speak, replied "Umm well, I need to drink before I can dance, sorry."

See, in club speak, that translates to "I'm trying to be nice, but I'm just not interested in dancing with you." Everybody knows this. I mean, maybe some people persist beyond that point, but it's rare. These girls were that rare case. They continued to ask me to dance and to loosen up. Finally, I walked over to Clay who was at the bar and I said "Clay I am only speaking to you so that these girls will think I'm giving you a drink order and then leave me alone. What is gonna happen is, when you get your drink, we are gonna walk to the other side of the club and avoid them."

When Clay got his drink, I quickly grabbed JGant and Cedric and we went to the other side of the building. The girls followed. Dammit. JGant and I had already started dancing, so I couldn't use the "I need my drink" line again. When JGant and I get going, we command the attention of the whole room, so it would be tough to get these girls to leave now. They all surrounded me and started trying to get me to dance with them. No way was I gonna honor their request. Within a 5 foot radius of me there were plenty of girls worth dancing with who would see this exchange and assume that I was with one of them. I couldn't let that happen.

Somewhere along the way, they scouted that JGant was drunk. I mean he was just wasted. I don't know how this happened, it didn't look like he drank that much. Either way, the girls now had two targets: me and JGant. JGant started breaking them off one by one. Honestly, I couldn't believe he was really going at them this hard. I know he has higher aspirations for a place like Slide, but at the end of the day, it was just dancing so I wasn't concerned.

I wasn't concerned until I heard from Cedric that he and JGant had made a bet. $100 would go to the man who could take a girl home with him that night. I remember thinking "Oh no." With this bet in mind, JGant wouldn't pay any attention to the classy, attractive women in the building. He would focus his attention on those women who were ready like spaghetti, regardless of any other factors. Those women were already right in front of him. I realized that we had been there for maybe 45 minutes and that those 3 girls were still all surrounding him. I don't think he realized that they had cut him off from the rest of the group. I was still being nice to them because they were just doing them. Then they started taking hella pictures. Pictures of me.

When the photos started, I went from being nice to being angry. I went to the one with the camera and told her to stop taking pictures of me. She asked if I was somebody important and I told that I wasn't. Then she came at me with "Then why do you care?"

"Why do I care? It doesn't matter why I care. The point is, quit taking coddamn pictures. I don't need a reason." Mean? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely.

I made another effort to relocate our group. Cedric and Clay went to the other side of the room, while I had to literally drag JGant away from these women. When we got to the other side of the room, I set JGant up to dance with a much better woman who was not ugly, or wasted, or taking photos of us. I swear I must have turned my head for a second when the other 3 girls were back, tugging at his shirt. He turned around and started dancing with them again. I quickly pulled him away and moved the group to the other side of the room again. These girls were killing our whole situation in that bad boy and they knew it. They were standing around us like we all came in together.

The followed us again, and this time they put the full court press on JGant. The started grabbing him and rubbing him, slow dancing him and caressing him. I really think he had no idea what it looked like. It looked like they were raping him. They basically controlled his every move. We had been in there for almost 2 hours and they were still just making my man look bad. I made a couple more relocation attempts, but they kept following us. Worse yet, they kept taking pictures. I said to JGant: "Tell your girls to quit taking pictures of me or I will break that coddamn camera. No joke." He seemed to listen, but when he went to talk to them, it turned into him giving out lap dances.

It was time for us to leave JGant alone for a while and make our own moves. For about 30 minutes, clay and I made moves all over Slide, really just enjoying ourselves. When we came back to near where JGant was, one of the 3 girls was kissing some other black guy near the bar, another one was grinding up on someone else, and JGant was hugged up with the ugliest one against the wall.

Clay, Cedric and I had a quick meeting. Should we let JGant wake up the next day ashamed, disgusted, and possibly carrying Herpes? Or should we end this now, knowing that he would get mad, but thank us later. There was still about 20 more minutes of good time at Slide and he could make moves in that time no doubt. I concluded that I would make one last effort to get him away.

I walked up to JGant and told him to leave the girl behind. It was crazy because the other two girls left their partners to come back and stop JGant from leaving. He finally told them he had to go and began to walk away when the main girl grabbed his shirt and wouldn't let him get away. I think he was so drunk that he forgot that he was supposed to leave. He turned around and kept talking to them. I had seen enough. These girls were not playing fair.

I walked over to Cedric and told him to watch. I walked back over to JGant and socked him right in the balls, hard. He bent over and fell the the ground. The girls knew that his attention was diverted and they snapped at me.

"Oh my God that's so mean, why would you do that? That was so un-cool," the main one said.

"Hey, he's my friend. He can be mad at me if he wants, but I had to get him in the one place where he would stop thinking about you," I fired back.

Meanwhile, JGant was still on the ground holding his balls very gingerly. He got up and hobbled over to the bar, where he placed both hands on his knees and stayed bent over for a few minutes. I walked over to him and let him know he could hate me, but I had to do what I had to do. The girls were nowhere in sight so I finally felt like he could have a good time.

Once his little JGants recovered, he found a new set of women to entertain. I felt like a proud father who had steered his child away from drugs. I went on about my business and had my fun. Then I saw the 3 girls come back into view. They walked right up JGant and grabbed his hands. They actually grabbed him away from the new girls he was dancing with and walked him over to the bar.

This time I didn't hesitate. I walked right over there. I saw he was smiling at their words so I reared back and socked him in the balls again.

"You're an assh#le," one of the girls said as they made their way toward the exit and finally left. JGant stayed down much longer this time. He was clearly hurt. I leaned down towards JGant and said, just loud enough for him to hear me, "Better to have sore balls today, than to have Gonorrhea tomorrow."

I don't know if he recovered from that second punch that night. He also lost his phone. Im pretty sure I saw him crying 10 minutes later. But he probably just had something in both his eyes. He was over all of it an hour later, so we're cool.

A lot of craziness for my last bay area night out. I head to Jersey next week so it's time to make moves. I don't think I can sock anyone in the balls out there. Especially not twice.

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Elaine Mooseman is Going Down!

2007-08-29T18:23:36-07:00

Where oh where has toomuchrodbenson.com gone? What happened? I tried to check for an update and there was no longer anything there.

I got emails saying all of that and more over the last few days. I didn't really have a good answer for anyone. I, like you, thought that this beautiful thing called toomuchrodbenson.com was dead. Since this has been spread by word of mouth and linkage, I figured the time had come when TMRB would be no more. Let me explain...

Back on July 15th of 2006, I started toomuchrodbenson.com when I bought the domain name from Godaddy.com. Those sexually charged commercials really got to me. Anyways, I had the domain for a year. When I changed hosts from Apple to IXhosting, I was told that I could move my domain name to IX web hosting services. I did this and got my cancellation notification from GoDaddy. Boom. Perfect. The new TMRB.com was up and running just fine for the last 6 weeks.

Well, not so perfect. I got an email from GoDaddy about 5 days ago. It basically said the same thing as the cancellation email I got on July 15th, 2007. I disregarded it. About an hour later (like 2 am), toomuchrodbenson.com was gone. I don't know where it went, it was just gone. It routed me to some GoDaddy error page. Confused, I decided I'd sleep on it and call GoDaddy in the morning.

I wake up and checked it out again, just to make sure. This time I was forwarded to Sedo Site Parking. Oh snap. My domain name was now parked. Parking basically means that whoever owns the domain makes money each time somebody attempts to access tmrb.com. Well, I was now really confused because I, Rod Benson, am the creator and owner of toomuchRODBENSON. How in the world could it get parked?

I called IXwebhosting and asked them why my site was not showing up. The guy on the phone asked "May I ask who is calling?"

I told him "Rod Benson. That's why it's call toomuchrodbenson, because that's me."

"Well, that's why I asked. It says here that the name toomuchrodbenson.com is owned by a woman named Elaine Mooseman. I can't tell you anything beyond that," he said.

I hung up the phone and whispered 5 words through my teeth: "Elaine Mooseman is going down."

I knew that my options were limited. What could I really do about this? I wasn't even entirely sure that I heard the name right. Elaine Mooseman? Why would she buy toomuchRODBENSON? I'm pretty sure that toomuchelainemooseman.com was available if she just wanted to be a copy cat. But no, she took the name I created years ago with my instant messenger screen name. I can still remember when I got the idea. I was watching the tape of Cal vs. Stanford hoops from my junior year, and I had just run off 12 straight points. As 11 and 12 fell through the net, the announcer said "It's just too much Rod Benson, too much number zero!"

Now Elaine Mooseman had it. Some woman, somewhere, knowingly or unknowingly had overtaken me in the 7 hours between when I fell asleep and when I woke up. I called up GoDaddy. They couldn't tell me anything because I didn't know my account number or the last 4 digits of the credit card I originally used to buy the domain. I mean coddamn, I lost my wallet like twice since then. It was then that I knew it was over. The dream was dead.

I began telling people what happened. Over the next couple of days, I had a few interesting conversations with people who were all shocked and appalled. One of my homies, Kelly, even said "Give it up. It's over. They got you."

I contemplated just using 2muchrodbenson.com, but then the whole word of mouth basis for this site would be dead. I got an IM from a friend of mine minutes after I looked into the 2much thing. For the sake of time, I'll post the conversation here. For the sake of children, I have edited it a bit:

Me: Mike:
2muchrodbenson.com
the new domain
what the hell
will be up later today
in process now
cant believe some breezy bought it
my word of mouth hype took a serious hit
coddamn, that's messed up
let's find out who bought it
we'll mess them up big time
by word of mouth
i know who bought it
its some woman named elaine mooseman
or something
i didnt get a spelling
do you have a location or anything?
nope
4:20 PM
well i'll talk to my boy. that's the biggest B.S. ever
4:25 PM
Elaine Moosman (address edited)
7*** H***** M*** C***
W**** J******, ** *****
United States
i think you should have people write her and tell you what they think
it could be the first entry on your new site
oh snap how did u find her
or did u just google the name
there are sites where you can get the info on who registers a domain
it doesnt show an email?
i bet we could find a phone number too
let me check
elaine******@msn.com
hahah forreal what page r u on?
where is this from
4:30 PM
my friend got it for me
mann wow
well time to send out the emails
hahaha
try and contact her first
ask her what the hell
yea im about to
i'll get you her phone number
(***) 566-4306
there you go
it's on like donkey kong
oh snap
im bought to call her right now
this is blog worthy
absolutely
dialing
haha hits like an old woman
voice mail tho
damn im not leaving a msg
damn
haha
4:35 PM
maybe she's at work, let's see if i can find any company info
hahah wow
i guess utah is like 530 right now
http://www.elaine-moosman-online.com/index.php
what the?
im gonna get screwed here
this does not seem like an old woman
4:40 PM
who is this guy, ur friend?
mann
you have a couple options, but it all starts with getting in touch with the b**ch
what are the options
a nice blog entry involving the public information. leave it up until you get your domain back.
let me think, there has to be something else you can do. it's totally screwed up
4:50 PM
damn this is crazy that i have all her info
this friend of urs is on another level
4:55 PM
did you send an email?
no
i have a phone number
blow up her home phone
5:00 PM
hell yeah
i just tried calling myself
hahaha
nice
just think, if all Rod Benson fans call the number...
at like 2am
hahaha
have like a call time
hahaha, that'd be f'ing great
break it into a couple groups
have a group call at 2am, another at 3:30, another at 4
i want to talk to her first
before i release the info
yeah, for sure
5:10 PM
i love your new away message (Elaine Mooseman is going down)
she is
i have a feeling she wont give it back
but i also have a feeling she has like 50 sites like mine
right. i'm on her site right now doing a contact us message about a different business matter that I made up. i can hopefully get some more info on her this way
hahah mannn
on my side!
5:15 PM
my name is Earl Garrick and I'm contacting them about web sales
hahah earl garrick
hahaha
Earl Garrick runs a website based on used auto parts

end of convo
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So after I finished talking to Mike, I called her up again. This time she answered. She definitely was an older woman.

"Hello," she said.

I got it started..."May I speak with Elaine please?"

"This is Elaine," she said again.

That's when I broke into it. I told her everything. I told her how I started toomuchrodbenson last year. I told her about how it has grown over that time. I told her that somehow I had lost it all for reasons unknown. I basically painted the picture of a sad, strange, broken man with nothing left except this domain name. The thing is, I was sad, I am strange, and toomuchrodbenson is all I have.

Elaine then explained to me that she is retired and that she makes her money these days buying domains that come recommended from domain appraisal services. She told me that my domain was appraised with a very high value. Kinda sweet. Then she said that she would give it back to me, no questions asked. I think her exact words were "Happy Birthday."

After a couple of hours of info switching, conference calls between myself, Elaine, and GoDaddy, toomuchrodbenson.com was mine once again. Elaine Mooseman is not going down. In fact, she went up big time in my book. If you ever run into her, sing her praises. Pay for her meal. Thank her for keeping the dream going baby. She knows whats up with boom tho.

Elaine, if you saw the title of this article, just know that you are definitely NOT going down.

The end.
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The Offseason Part 4

2007-08-23T17:35:23-07:00

My off season continues to roll on as August passes and September comes in. I arrived in Sacramento 3 weeks ago direct from my NBA Fair extravaganza in North Dakota. Since getting up here, things have really slowed down for me. It seems like everything I do now has a meaning to it. The season is right around the corner, and what I do now will have a direct correlation with the season. I think they call this focus in some places. If so, this is the most focused I've ever been, but that doesn't mean that I can't have different kinds of excitement along the way.

My next door neighbor is Harold Pressley. You may remember him from Villanova back in the days or from the Sacramento Kings in the 90s. He has 3 kids, one of which looks exactly like Kevin Martin. I mean not like a look a like, but the kid looks like a kid would look if Kevin Martin reproduced asexually.

Anyways, these kids provide about 40% of my entertainment throughout the week. Most days, between 3 and 5pm, these kids will walk over and ask me to play baseball with them. I always oblige. They have home plate in the middle of the street, while first, second, and third are all located on Harold's wrap around driveway. Since the kids are different ages, they get different types of pitches. The 7 yr old girl gets underhand, the middle son who's 10 gets slow overhand, while 13 year old Kevin Martin gets fastballs baby. A homerun is anything over the house into the back yard.

Every day we play this game. Some days I'm just about to take a solid nap after a hard workout, but then these kids come over. They might as well be asking my mom "Can Rod come out and play?". There's even a couple other kids in the neighborhood who get in on the act. And those kids have a 20 year old sister who I just cant get them to introduce me to. Maybe it's the wrong idea to ask my 7 year old baseball teammate to hook me up with his sister. To be honest, I don't even know what she looks like, I just know shes 20 and I'm so bored that I have become an all-star on Matheny Way.

After a few days of baseball, my agent gave me a call. I stepped outside for like 45 seconds to swing my driver. When I stepped back in, I saw the missed call. I check the message on the phone.

"Rod, this is Bill. I'm going to sleep. I just wanted to let you know that we have an Invite to camp. I'm going to sleep though, call me in the morning."

I called him back but it went right to voicemail. I don't think he realized that it was like 7pm west coast time and that he didn't mention the team. Yes, I was hyped, but I had 4 hours to go before I even would begin to feel tired enough to sleep. My mind wandered all over the place. Chicago? Phoenix? Golden State? I had no idea.

First thing the next day, I called him up. "You're going to camp with New Jersey," he said.

New Jersey. Sweet. Immediately I had a pretty good list of what the situation is in Jersey:

1. I might have more connection to this team than any other team in the league. My connections include:

a. I was roommates with Jameel Pugh last year who supposedly was the first to ever do a through the legs dunk off two feet, and from whom Vince Carter then took it and made it even better.

b. My brother tells me that he is friends with Richard Jefferson. I guess Rich (Can I call you Rich, Rich?) frequents the L.A. Fitness that little Benson works at.

c. Last year Hassan Adams was on the team. Hassan and I use to party at the U of A.

d. Actually the biggest connection of all... I have a relative on the team. A cousin. Second cousins I believe, but I don't exactly have a family tree handy to figure it out. I know this may seem a bit shocking, but it's true. I am related to Jason Kidd. It has never been publicized for a variety of reasons, but If I was to get signed by some chance, it would be tight to play with someone of the same blood line. The problem with this is that I'm pretty sure he has no idea of our relation. It will be truly funny how this all comes about. Do I walk up to him and be like "Yo, oh sweet you're at camp too? That's tight man. By the way, you're my cousin. So, what's for lunch?"

What could be even more funny is if he decides to ask me how we are related. I don't have a good answer for that. I know my grandfathers last name is Kidd. After that, I didn't really ask my mother about the details. We both felt that it was important, especially since I went to Cal also, that I had my own identity and to not allow the media to publish this fact when I signed my letter of intent.

2. Could I be Mikki Moore part DOS!? Who knows? I do know that if I grew my hair out a little bit and got some tattoos, there would a lot of confused people in the New Jersey area.

3. Roster space? I looked online and pretty much saw that 16 of the 13 guys on the current roster are posts.

4. East Coast? Could be interesting. Rod Benson on the east would produce a whole different level of fun. I just don't know if I could hail a cab.

With a camp invite under my belt, my focus and work ethic have reached a new level. There is one big knock on Rod Benson: he's just too skinny. This off season I decided to do something about that. Granted, it's only been 2.5 weeks since I started my weight training, but I've already put on 6 lbs. of muscle. I was 219, now I'm 225. By the time camp starts in October, I could be up around 235.

How am I doing it? Well, it starts off with a personal trainer who works me to death. I realized that serious weight lifting requires killing yourself, or coming close, then living through it somehow and getting stronger as a result. If you've ever seen Dragon Ball Z, you know that Saiyan's are the same way. I'm just trying to become a super saiyan.

Besides just lifting, I make these shakes and have one after every meal. I went to the Max Muscle store and asked the guy what I should take. He pointed to this big ass tub of nonsense. I said to him "Umm do you have something smaller? I'm only here for a month and a half"

He said "If you're doing it right, this thing well be gone in 3 weeks."

My tub 'o protein for weight, creatine for recovery, and glucosamine for my joints.

Before I left the store, I asked him if I should take it with milk. He replied "Not unless you wanna fart all day long."

So after 2.5 weeks of water based shakes, I would say that he has been right about damn near everything we discussed. I can honestly say that this coddamn tub has about 3 shakes worth of stuff left. I can't believe how much I've consumed. One thing he was wrong about was the amount of gas these things give you. Mann sometimes I lie in bed and think "Is an NBA contract really worth having to smell your own gas all day?"

I mean, you know how you can always stand your own gas, no matter what? You know, sometimes you relish that smell. You want more of that smell. My gas right now is so terrible, that I gag sometimes. Even when it's just me in the house, I'll go outside on the street when I have to fart, then I'll run around a little bit so it doesn't linger with me, then I'll come back in the house, just so I don't have to smell it.

At the end of the day, it will all be worth it. The boring afternoons and stinky nights. The near death experiences that have consumed my weight training days. When I get to camp and I'm bigger, stronger, and faster than I was before, hopefully there will be no more questions. It will come down to 3 things in my mind:

Do he have the skill?
I think so

Do he have the desire?
Hell yes I do (Napoleon Dynamite)

Do he have the size and athleticism?
Always been athletic. Size? Improving every day baby! If they dont care about me stinking up practice, then we're good!

Well this will probably best my last off season post. Hopefully next time I write about hoops I'll be a 235lb monster! For now, I gotta go, the Pressley kids are knocking on the door.
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Public Transportation/Use Your Phone

2007-08-22T21:32:47-07:00

As an avid Amtrak and BART (bay area subway type thing) rider, I am witness to many ridiculous things. Remember the man who followed me from Sacramento to Richmond, then followed onto the BART, then got off at Glen Park station just like me, only to offer me oral sex when we got there? Yea, that pretty much justifies me as an expert in Trains, BART, and ridiculousness.

Seems like every time I ride Amtrak something ridiculous happens. This last weekend, I was on my wasy from Sacramento to Richmond, like always. I had my Ipod on my ears, blasting my new favorite song. It's called "Feel The Rain on Your Skin" by Natasha Beddingfield. I know it's old, but so it "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton and that's hot too. Maybe it's just because it's on The Hills, which is now my 7th favorite show. I digress.

I had my music blasting real loud on my ears, and I was actually singing along. You know, kind of mumbling something like "staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun da da da da da da da da, reaching for something in the distance..." when I got that bathroom urge. It wasn't like "mann I need the bathroom right now" but it was still a "well, if I don't do this now, I could be in a world of hurt later".

I got out of my seat, music still blaring, and walked down the aisle, then down the stairs to the bottom level of the train where the bathroom was located. I remember vividly the part of the song I was on when I opened the bathroom door: "...release your inhibitions..."

I swung open the door and there was a woman frantically trying to cover herself up. I couldn't hear a word she was saying, if any, because now the song was on the chorus. I do remember her look though. It was so confused. I could tell her thoughts went from "Oh my word I've been exposed" to "Oh lordy I didn't lock the door" to "What the? This guy is like 8 feet tall!". It was when I realized that she got to this third stage of her shock process, that I slammed the door back shut. I guess we were both so in shock that I had been standing there for almost 3 seconds. 3 seconds is an eternity when you are faced with a random, tall black man, who can smell your poo and see it too.

After I slammed the door shut, I began to laugh. I realized that the Natasha Beddingfield song was still on, which was awesome. There are only a couple of funnier songs for a situation like that. There's "Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow, down to my home, I will not go.." I dont know what it's called, but I remember it from Kindergarten. There's also "Mmm Bop" by Hanson and possibly, well it's not a song, but, if for some reason, somebody was just yelling out "Duck, Duck, Duck..." and then when I opened the door, "Goose!" that would be hilarious.

Anyways, I then realized that the bathroom was in the middle of the row of seats. This meant that at least 7 other people had seen our interaction. Sweet. I laughed harder. I mean she wasn't that young, like in her 20's, but she wasn't old enough where she wouldn't care. She was just the right age and attractiveness to feel truly embarrassed. I returned to my seat and thought about what had gone down. I processed the fact that I didn't even look at her, but somehow I noticed so much. She then walked up the stairs. She saw me, turned around and went back down the stairs. I knew then that she took an alternate route to avoid walking past me. I understood.

My Public Transportation is not limited to Amtrak. The BART is also a big part of it. It also ties into the second half of this entry, Use Your Phone. I was riding the BART to San Francisco one night, and when a group of like 15 Irish girls got on heading the same direction. My first reaction was to grab my phone and scroll through my address book for no reason. I had no intention of calling anyone, but it just felt the right thing to do -- to seem like I was too busy to talk to them. I then realized that the phone is a societal weapon. When used correctly, the cell phone can say more than direct words ever could.

For example, that night, on the BART, I could have used my phone is a variety of ways. Yea, I did the standard address book scroll, but I could have done more. I could have done the fake text message. The fake text message basically consists of me pretending to send a text message, then look around kind of like I'm a big deal. Then I look at my phone as if it has just vibrated. A quick response to my text? Of course. I then respond to the fake response. I repeat this process over and over until I finally give a kind of exhausted sigh as if to say "Why am I so busy, cool, and important?"

I could have even taken it a step farther. I could have even made a fake phone call. This way the girls could hear every word I say, they might even interject, giggle, or rip my clothes off right there on the spot. A fake phone call consists of me, giving the fake scroll through the address book. Then I pretend to let the phone ring 3 times on the other end. Then, I create a fake conversation out of nowhere, and I talk juuuusssttt loud enough for the girls around me to hear it. The conversation has to make me seem awesome enough for them to be interested in me. I might say things that make no sense to anyone who knows the truth, but sounds cool to women. Like "Yea, that NBA intersquad backtrack thing we did last year with the Lakers was fun, you think we will do it again this year? Yea, we will need to invite some women to come this time. Can't let Shaq get all of them!" See, if you know basketball, you know that the intersquad backtrack thing means nothing, you know that Rod Benson has nothing to do with the Lakers, and that Shaq is married and is in Miami. If you are a random Irish girl you might just be very impressed.

A guy with no phone can't do that without the help of live friends there. I heard a Berkeley freshman attempt this (poorly) the other day. Since he wasn't smooth enough to make up a conversation on his phone, he did the next best thing he could think of to try to impress the girls at the table next to him at Chipotle. He struck up a very loud conversation with one of his boys. I was sitting at the next table so I could easily hear him say these exact words: "I would have called you but I have no phone. So I was texting this girl when some dude jumped me, so I had to beat his ass. Now I have no phone."

I looked over at Theo Robertson who was eating with me, and I asked him "True of False?". Theo quickly said "That was all false.". Exactly. A fake story, so fake, that I dont think that the girls bought it. If he really hadnt lost his phone, I would have advised him to use the fake text message so that nobody would have had to hear him speak. If it was a nice phone, he could have even done the "Hey see how expensive my phone looks?" technique, but nope. My phone was my weapon and his mouth was his defeat.

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Can You Beat Pwiggle?

2007-08-22T19:35:58-07:00

I've been depressed lately. In all facets of my life things are looking up, but there is one area that is currently chipping away at my will to live. It seems that ever since those 3 red lights showed up on my xbox 360, life has lost its meaning. What do I do to consume my late afternoons? I am often too tired to write and too awake to nap. I can refresh my MySpace page and constantly check my facebook newsfeed, but without Madden, things are just not the same.

This past weekend I, like a broken man who was given a glimpse of what his life could be, was able to play Madden 08 for the first time. My boy Theo Robertson owns a copy for 360, and he invited me over to play.

I have said before that I would choose Madden over women in many situations. That day, Madden was my woman. What we shared was similar to a sexual experience. First, I got to know it. I read the manual, and reviewed the new controls. Then I turned it on. Self explanatory. Then there was the foreplay. I checked the rosters and the ratings. Its body (ratings system) was amazing, and it's 100 speed guy named Devon Hester made me nearly faint. Then we went at it. Oh man we must have done it 6 or 7 times in a row. The room was spinning, the temperature was rising, and my whole body was trembling with joy. Madden and I started at 10am and I didn't say my goodbyes until 5pm the next day. I started out pretty bad because I hadn't done it in months. By the time I was done, I was back to my old dominant self. I found myself taking control early, easing my way in, then pounding (my opponents) towards the end, leaving all the other guys wondering how I could do it so well.

I am now again ready to ascend to the top of the internet Madden world via Xbox Live. I go back to San Diego at the end of the month, at which time I will finally send my Xbox in for repair. I don't know how my budding Madden career will coincide with my basketball career but I think I can make it work. I guess I'm just a player.

For those who want to challenge me and my Madden abilities, my gamertag is pwiggle. I may have to re-subscribe or something when I get set up again, but yea pwiggle is it. I know what you're thinking: "What the hell does pwiggle mean?" I'll just have to tell you then..

You might have read that as pwig-gle, but that is wrong. It's actually P Wiggle, but when creating my gamertags years ago, no spaces were allowed on video game save names.

P Wiggle started years ago, my freshman year at Cal, actually. We were down in downtown L.A. for the Pac-10 tournament. I was taking a nap in my room, minding my own business, when my mom walked in. I knew she was coming, so I had propped open the door, but I had fallen asleep while waiting. My roommate at the time, Tayshan Forehan-Kelly, was wide awake, and in the bathroom. My mom, supposedly, allegedly, upon walking into the room, said "Where is my little Piggle Wiggle?".

I never heard these words myself, as I was sleeping when she came in. Also, she had never called me Piggle Wiggle ever before in my life. 3Han (Tayshan's nickname) however, supposedly, allegedy, heard my mom utter these words, and proceded to tell everyone on the team except me.

The next day at practice, everybody kept calling me Piggle Wiggle and variations such as pickle wickle, and I had no idea why. Finally Richard Midgley alerted me that 3Han overheard my mom.

Sooooo when we got back to Berkeley, we were playing Halo. It was actually a multi room, team Halo event featuring the Basketball team vs. the Baseball team 8 on 8. When making my profile, they bet me that I wouldn't use P-Wiggle as the name. The name has never changed since.

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The Offseason Part 3

2007-08-02T08:09:05-07:00

I'm currently awaiting a phone call from my agent alerting me of who I will go to training camp with (provided that anybody out there wants me). While in wait mode, I got a phone call from the media relations guy (Mike, if that's not your title, my bad) from the NBDL Dakota Wizards, Mike. Mike informed my that the NBA would contact me soon about an appearance they hoped I would do. A few days later I was on the phone with an NBA representative who informed me that the NBA has something called the NBA Fair. The NBA Fair is an NBA attraction that travels to state fairs all over the country. Specifically, the NBA Fair travels to fairs that are outside of traditional NBA Markets.

The NBA agreed to pay me to go to the NBA Fair at North Dakota's state fair in Minot, ND, to sign autographs and play games with the kids. I would be obligated to appear for an hour each day for two days. I figured it would be cool, plus there was money involved, duh.

When I stepped off the plane in North Dakota, there was a local sports reporter there who was ready to interview me. You can watch that here: http://www.kxma.com/video.asp?ArticleId=147564&VideoId=11908

I hadnt been back in Dakota for more than a couple of hours, when my old assistant coach told me to first meet him at some hotel bar where it was ladies night. When I got there, I instantly remembered one thing I loved about North Dakota. Ladies night meant that drinks were $1.30. One dollar and thirty cents? For anything? Gotta love that cost of living.

We eventually left the hotel bar and went to another bar that I had never been to before. I remember thinking that if I had to come back and play for the Wizards again, that these new bars could be my part of my solid rotation. It was right then that a woman gave this guy next to me the eye. It wasn't the usual eye, it was more of a dirty dancing type thing that he fully comprehended, while I was still left wondering. Next thing I know, these two go at it. It was probably the most hilarious dancing scene I have ever seen. Why? First of all, neither of them could dance...at all. Picture Napoleon Dynamite rocking out, alone, in his room, to his D-Kwon's Dance Grooves tape. It was like this guy and this girl at the bar figured out how to be equally, yet choreographically, ridiculous. I think of Sean Williams Scott in American Wedding. I think of Ben Stiller in Starsky and Hutch. Heck, I even think of the Ben Stiller vs Owen Wilson in Zoolander. Combine all of that in your mind and it becomes the dance-a-palooza that I saw these two strangers engage in that night. Just to clarify, this was not a dance bar by any means.

I decided that I needed to get a picture of the dance-a-thon that was taking place before my eyes. I was wondering how to pull it off without disrupting the magic that had now become a series of lap dances on the bar stool in front of me. See, even though they were in the heat of the dance, more people were still staring at me, the 6' 10" black guy who was there outside of basketball season and not the riverdance bandits. I made my mind up to just go for it. I snapped this photo off real quick:

As it turns out, right after the flash of my camera phone went off, she unwrapped her legs from around him, and he backed up off her, and it was done, just like I feared. The photo still captures everything I wanted it to. Besides the fact that her legs are propped up like a wheelbarrow, notice his men's softball league jersey, and her jacket that he, in the madness called Dance, has tied around his forehead like a bandana. Classic. I love all of it.

The next day, Mike and I drove out to Minot which is about an hour and a half away. After checking into our hotel, we headed down to the state fair. As we pulled up to the NBA Fair booth, I was getting kind of hyped. Last week Kris Humphries was here -- a real NBA player. This week? NBDL Champion of the World, and Memhpis Grizzlies (summer league of course) player, Rod Benson.

The booth was pretty big. I wouldn't even call it a booth, really. It had a full NBA sized half court set up on sport court. There were 3 baskets: a 10 foot rim, a 9 footer to the right of the main one, and an 8 footer on the left. To the right of the court was a tent set up with NBA Live 07 on ps3, among other cool NBA stuff that kids would periodically check out.

I sat down on one of the chairs under the pop-up tarp that had all the prizes for participants in the booth. I hadn't been sitting down for more than 5 minutes when I was approached by about 5-7 different people who were on a scavenger hunt at the fair. They had their lists, which I could easily read when they approached me. Number 2 on the list was "Get the autograph of an NBA player". Of course they proceeded to ask me to sign the sheet because I was the NBA player. I wanted to say "Umm, I am an NBDL World Champion and a Memphis Summer League starter, but alas, I am no NBA player". I decided that if I didn't sign the papers, nobody else really could in the whole state. Since I was the closest they were gonna get, I shut my mouth and signed the papers, but it still felt like I was forging my own signature or something.

I headed to the tent in the back where some of the emcees for the event were resting and drinking water, waiting for their turn to get on the mic. We all introduced ourselves. The guy who would be on the court with me during my hour was named Ryan. Ryan informed me that he had read my blog beforehand and since I was "cool", he would spice up our Q and A session a little bit and have some fun with it. I had no objections. I mean, my blog preceded me, gotta live up to the hype!

So, my hour of appearance time came and went. It didn't matter to me. I was having too much fun. I got on the mic and was cracking jokes, playing shooting competitions with the kids, and answering off the wall questions. Ryan and I even spent 20 minutes, aloud, in front of the whole booth, recounting our favorite scenes from the movie "Love Actually". 3 hours later I was still going strong, having fun, keeping the kids hyped up as best I could. I think in a way, I got more respect from the other guys for just having fun and kicking it with them, regardless of time, than anything else.

I was dragged away from the booth by Mike, who reminded me that it was about that time for the Big and Rich concert. Yep, I said it, the Big and Rich concert featuring Cowboy Troy. Big and Rich, for those who don't know, are a big time country music act. Mike informed me that the song I had come to love entitled "I Play Chicken with the Train", was performed by Cowboy Troy himself. Never heard of it? I guess you haven't lived in North Dakota. Let me fill you in on some of the best lyrics of all time:

I play chicken with the train play chicken with the train train, uh huh huh uh huh huh,
You know that I play chicken with the train play chicken with the train train uh huh huh uh huh huh yea,

Who? The big black neck commin' through to you boy you done fell and bumped you head uh huh,
That's what they said,
People say it's impossible, not probable, too radical,
But I already been on the CMA's,
Hell Tim McGraw said he liked the change,
That he likes the way my Hick-hop sounds and the way the crowd screams when I stomp the ground,
Now, big and black, clickty clack and I make the train jump the track like that

I love this song, albeit that it is country music, because there are times when I, being big and black, go clickity clack, and make train jump off the track. You don't like it? Well then boy you done fell and bumped yo head!

Mike and I used our free tickets (they cost $60 normally, for country? really?) and heard Cowboy Troy's legendary track as we walked through the front doors. I've never been to a country concert before, so it was a hell of a scene. For one, everybody had on the "bundle" as I call it. The bundle looks something like this:

Cowboy hat, tucked in button down shirt, usually flannel, and boots. When I saw Cowboy Troy on stage, I knew he was still true to his black man roots, because his bundle was a little bit baggier than the rest. I bet his was designed by Sean John or Roca Wear. Mike kept telling people that Troy was my brother. Some people actually believed it. How could you really believe that? Do you see what this guy is wearing? Baggy or not, I am definitely bundle-less.

cowboy hats at cowboy troy

Big and Rich took the stage next. I must say that it was pretty electric, even though I'm not a country fan. The people seemed to love it. Country is the rap of the midwest, I determined. Ryan from the NBA Fair caught up with us, and we headed over to beer table at the far end of the concert. We pretty much enjoyed the rest of the concert from the beer tables.

the view from the beer area was a little farther

We had been at the beer area for over an hour when Big and Rich played the song I heard more than any other song while I was in North Dakota last season. The song is called "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy". I have been known to sing my own, remixed, version of the song in which I say "Save a life, ride Rod Benson." I don't even think that makes any sense, but I'm no cowboy, therefore horses are irrelevant to me. I don't think I'd ever heard 10,000 people sing a country song together at one time, until that very moment when John RIch (I don't know how I know his first name) got up on stage and began his PETA friendly song.

I left Minot and the NBA Fair on Sunday and headed back to sacramento. I was forced to check the Taylor Made Driver a golf pro sold me for $50. Luckily it didn't break and it actually made it out here. I hope the NBA calls me with some other app

I'm currently in Sacramento right now, working out on a daily basis at Basketball Town. This past week I have played against such competition as Matt Barnes, Ricky Davis, Justin WIlliams, Quincy Douby, Bobby Jackson, and Mike WIlks. If there's any place to get better it's here. If there's any time to get better (cliche, so what) it's now. Hopefully my next "The Offseason" post will include my invitation to training camp.

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The Greatest to Ever Come Out of Cardiff By The Sea?

2007-07-26T11:11:09-07:00

While I was home in Cardiff (San Diego), I got wind of some basketball tournament at Glen Park. Glen Park is where I grew up playing since I was 8 years old. If I was a star in EA Sports NBA Street, Glen Park would be my home court and my story would tell of days ballin at the park, drankin slurpees at 7 Eleven, then walking to the beach. Anyways, I was told that the Glen Park Classic (GPC) would be held while I was back in Cardiff. At first I had no interest in the event. Why would I? I grew up playing against these guys my whole life and I had never even heard of the GPC. Also, I spent the last two weeks guarding guys like Rudy Gay and Chris Kaman, what could really come out of participating in the GPC?

It then dawned on me that Cardiff is my town. I, through the GPC, could be crowned the greatest player Cardiff has to offer. I mean the population is only like 8,000 and there's not even a high school there, but that crown would make competing worthwhile in my mind. I had Kelly place the call to Kam Walton, cousin of NBA Star Luke Walton. They already had 6 men for the 4 on 4 affair, so he cut some guy who played his college ball at Iowa, I guess he was no Rod Benson. Our team included Kam, Adam Olson, Myself, Tyler Newton, who played at UOP, Jordan Feramisco, my former high school teammate and San Diego county player of the year, Dave Bradley, another Torrey Pines High star who actually was Iowa's punter and former roommate of Jared Reiner (small world huh?). So, exactly one week after going against Randy Foye, Corey Brewer, Rashad McCants, and Craig Smith, I was lining up against No name guy #1, #2, #3, and #4 at the GPC.

People setting up camp early at the GPC

The tourney was single elimination, 16 team tourney format. Round 1 was to 21 by one's and two's, while all other rounds were to 15 the same way. Our first game was against Team Harley Davidson. Frankly it was so easy beating this team that I was laughing during the game. We won 21-9, but it could have easily been 21-0 had we cared enough to play tough D. The team we were supposed to play in the second round watched us play our first round game and I think it worried them that we went 6'10", 6'10", 6'8", 6'5" with our starting 4, while they were 6'11", 6'3",6'2", 5'11". The big guy supposedly played at Utah State a few years back, but I had never heard of him.

So as I am watching other games waiting for our second round game, the big Utah State guy walks past me, looks me dead in the eye, all serious as can be, and says in his best "thuggish" voice: "I'll see you at one thirty." I looked at my boys like "Is this guy serious?" I wanted to tell him that I was only there to sweat out the party from the night before, but he kept it moving. Later he found me again and in the same voice as before (maybe it's just his voice) said: "The winner of our game will be the champions. I hope you know that." His words, although meaningless, did quite a good job of getting me hyped up for our game.

Once game time came, I was dunking slapping the backboard, running my mouth on every play, doing whatever to let them know who the greatest was. Well after a couple near fights between some of their guys and some of ours, I decided to shut up. Of course mr. big man threw out the "I heard good things about you and this is how you act?" line. He was the one who turned up the heat. He shouldn't be in the kitchen if he cant take the heat. As he was talking, I did a keyboard motion to Kelly and Conor, who were on the sidelines watching, basically letting them know that I would have to put this guy into the blog just because he was so out there.

After that game, we had the fast track to the finals. Yea, there were some competitive teams, but nothing stood out to me...until the final game. The guys we saw in the finals weren't big, they weren't fast, or strong, or athletic, but what they lacked in those areas they made for in heart, and intelligence and it pissed me off because they knew exactly how to work the system. We got down 7-5 in a game to 15 and I got a little worried. I pushed the ball up, and the worst ref in Cardiff (he earned the title that day too) called me for a charge, but I thought he called me for traveling, so I snapped on him. I wanted a tech so bad I could taste it. Boom. Got one tho. After their free throw, we were down 8-5, that's when we turned it up and went on a 10-2 run to end the game as champions.

It really wasn't that big a deal to me, I just felt justified in calling myself the greatest player in Cardiff now. I guess to Kam Walton it was much more. Kam had spent years trying to win the GPC Cup and had always come up short, including 2 losses in the finals. This year was different though. He proudly took the cup home with him to celebrate. I assume thats what Gary Payton did when he finally got a ring, right? Well, Kam, heck, our whole team did much more than relish the Cup. We used it.

I think the cup held something like 6 beers, yet nobody ever let it get completely full because it was way too much fun to empty it, feel me?
I came home as the forgotten son of Cardiff, and I left as the greatest. Kam got him trophy, and big man from Utah got his fill of Rod Benson. Some might even say he got too much Rod Benson.

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Camp / Dive Bars

2007-07-25T19:05:18-07:00

Finally, there was a break in the madness. A week at home in Cardiff by the Sea (North County San Diego) with no commitments, games, or pressure. I basically had just a few things on my agenda: I wanted to spend time with the fam, explore our local dive bar scene, and work my high school basketball camp for some extra cheese. Plus, I was driving a hearse all week as my transportation. Pretty much all the ingredients necessary for a crazy week.

Death Mobile

Camp:

Working bball camp is always cool for a couple reasons. For one, I get paid and it saves me from having to write the "Will work for fude. Anytheeng will help" sign I've come so close to writing before. That friday when the paychecks come is one of the most miraculous days of the year. James Rahon (found a way to get you in, buddy) and I got a little bonus money for running the "Team Offense" station. Half the time we just let the kids literally run around in circles and play tag, all James' fault, obviously. I figure coach Olive could pay me a little more, because the program funding appears to be just fine:

Best high school locker room ever

Another cool thing about camp is, of course, the kids. My kids won the championship this year, like they do every year. The youngest ones tried to tackle me again, like they do every year. The whole camp chanted "Dunk it! Dunk it! Dunk it!", they do every year. There was one difference this year, however. The kids really wanted to know who I played for. I wore a Grizzlies shirt the first day, so they all asked if I played for them. My team even voted to have our team name be "Memphis." The second day I wore a Bucks shirt and they called me traitors. One girl went home and googled me to find out everything she could about me. Kinda cool, except she stumbled upon toomuchrodbenson.com and did a lot of reading. Hopefully she got bored before she saw the good stuff.

The last cool thing about camp is the parents. They are usually awesome and love me. My favorite parent is Andy Ashby. He is a legendary pitcher in my mind and it's tight when he comes and watched me do anything. Andy Ashby could watch me clean toilets and I'd feel good about myself. This year there was another parent who I immediately moved to #2 on my parental depth chart. Basically, the only reason this parent is #2 is because she is an absolute MILF. Seriously, I don't think I've seen a better MILF ever in my life. I wanted to somehow take a picture so the world could see how hot this MILF was. She would come everyday to pick up her sons wearing these tank tops and wife beaters everyday -- teasing me on purpose, no doubt. Day two I got a pretty solid look from her. Day 3 I got a smile. Day 4 I got one of those "my head is facing left, but my eyes are staring right, right at Rod Benson" looks. I could not get a good look at her left hand to save my life. I couldn't tell if she was married or not. I got close one time, but she had her dog leash wrapped around her left hand -- teasing me on purpose, no doubt. One night while falling asleep, I had a bright Idea to ask one of her kids if his daddy ever picks him up, but when I woke up I thought that was ridiculous. I guess she will always be that mom. The mysterious mom just teasing away.

Dive Bar Circuit:

In Cardiff, there is a bar called Yogi's and in Del Mar there is one called Jimmy O's. Both owned by the same guys, they've always been the local spots where people go to enjoy themselves after a hard days work, or after surfing for hours, or when returning home from college. They also tend to have plenty of women in goofy, yet expensive, hats who are coming straight from the racetrack.

So anyways, tuesday is karaoke night at Jimmy O's, so we went there. It doesn't really feel like a karaoke atmosphere there though, because the place is packed, and nobody sings along with any of the amateur vocalists on the upper deck. It's basically like a one room dance hall with all the kids I went to high school with -- my 5 year reunion I guess. A lot of people don't know that I was one of 5 black students to spend all 4 years at Torrey Pines high school, and that is out of 3200...but I digress.

I had a serious problem with karaoke night. I had an epiphany of sorts. I decided that certain songs just should never be done at karaoke. I mean, obviously nobody should attempt Whitney Houston's Bodyguard song without expecting a Simon Cowell like reaction from me. Heck, I might walk right up and say "You are not going to Hollywood." That's a different story altogether. I decided that there are certain songs you cant sing at karaoke because it's cheating. These cheaty McCheaters out there are taking the easy way out when they do certain songs. Why is it cheating? Because everyone at the bar knows every word to the song. You don't need a coddamn mic to get 200 drunken people at a dive bar to sing these songs together in unison. I actually got kind of angry when these songs were selected. The guys on stage didn't even sing half the words, they just held the mic in the air like Brett Michaels might do if he was performing. I am calling for an outright elimination of these songs from karaoke. The worst that could happen is we get better competition and newer musical selection at these places. Maybe cheater songs are what make dive bar karaoke what it is, but I still must try. They are all great songs, but if you chose them during karaoke, you obviously have no self esteem. I composed a top 5 list of songs that should not ever be sung at a karaoke bar, in order:

5: Party Like It's 1999
It's 2007. The party is over, cheater.

4: Sweet Child 'O Mine
So the intro to this song is pretty sweet, but seriously, how many days a week can you hear this song? Where are you karaoke ethics.

3: Jack and Diane
Oh, she said karaoke goes onnn, even after the thrill of singin it's gone. Keep cheating with this one.

2: Pour Some Sugar on Me
This song might be #1 on a lot people's lists. If not for the easy-as-hell lyrics, then for the way women will yell them at the top of their lungs. This is a song that gets all the screams from the girls whenever it comes out and your cheating ass wants to karaoke it? Not cool in my book.

1: Journey - Dont Stop Believing
Clearly the #1 song on this list. People know every single word of this song. The bartenders stop serving drinks, the fights break themselves up, Osama and George Bush put their arms over each other and start belting the lyrics. I swear if you are in line outside waiting to get in, you have no choice but to start yelling out "Just a city boy, growin up in south Detrooooooiitt!" It's the only song people have free permission to sing louder than "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Using this song for karaoke is just unfair. I get that it takes balls to get up on stage in front of all of your drunken friends and sing like you're in the shower, but it takes no balls to sing this song. Everyone will help you sing it so it doesn't matter. In fact, I dare any of you who read this to try doing a karaoke night, anywhere in the U.S. Select this song. Then, right before you begin, tell everyone in the bar not to sing along. Tell them that you want to show your vocal range on this one and they can just listen to your beautiful voice make magic on the microphone. You might, nay, will get beat up, and a group of rugby players will tag team that bad boy with the help of the entire bar. Coddamn cheaters.

Back to the Dive Bars...
Yogi's was where we went the next night because it was opening day at the horse races. I was there with my boys Tommy, Kelly, some girl Kelly knew, and Matt (different that Vegas Matt). I decided to be the driver tonight so I didn't partake in the alcoholic festivities, but I still watched the action as my friends got into it. Tommy can drink ridiculous amounts, so I kept buying him triple and quadruple shots of tequila, because he kept saying that he wasnt feeling it. In the midst of all of this, I glance over, and Kareem Rush is over there just chillin. I wonder if he knows I'm the best player to ever come out of Cardiff? Anyways, this girl in that Kelly brought starts talking all crazy. "I can out drink all of you", she says. I let her know that there is no way she can keep up with any of us...it's impossible, Tommy and kelly booth outweigh me by at least 50lbs, and she weighed maybe 120.

Kelly and Tommy at Yogi's.

Anyways, she starts matching the drinks that I buy for Tommy. I mean she is seriously taking these big time shots and acting like it's nothing. Well, as I expected, she ends up just ridiculously drunk. Trouble is, SHE drove herself. Tommy and Kelly decide to taxi home early, so now it's just me and her. As the sober one, I offer to drive her home. We go outside and her car is in valet. Of course, she can't find her ticket. The guy says: "What kind of car is it?" She replies: "I have an Acura." He then asks her to describe the keychain. I can see the keychain he's holding behind his back. It has a teddy bear linked to it some how. She says back to him "I have an Acura, just give me my Acura." I stop her and say "Look, what is on your keychain that will identify your keys and help this man do his job?" She replies "Can I just have my Acura?"

She keeps up the whole Acura thing for like 3 minutes. It's incredibly annoying. The guy is frustrated and basically just goes through her glove compartment to find something her name on it so that we can get out of there. He tosses me the keys and I get to driving.

"Where do you live?" I ask her. I'm pretty sure her answer was "shednjdsst." I ask her again. "Where do you live?" She get's a little clearer, but it still sounds like "clegsisshme." I pull the car over and ask a third time. "Where do you live?" I swear this was her answer: "Craigslist."

I look over at her and say "Ok, seriously. Focus up here. Where do you live?" That's when she got angry with me. She starts cussing and yelling. "I told you muther@@@$er! I live at Craigslist!" "You clearly have a real address that is not use on internet explorer," I say back, "now where do you live?" She then calms down a bit. Finally I'm going to get a real answer. She says "L.A. Fitness. I live at L.A. Fitness." (L.A. Fitness is like 24 hour fitness) I am incredibly frustrated now. I say "One last time, where do you live?" Her calm goes away. "I told you. I keep telling you mutherf&%$er! F*^k! I live at Craigslist!"

I pick up my phone and call Kelly. "Kelly," I say into my phone, "this is over. This is your friend, I;m taking her to your house. You figure out what to do with her." After I get off the phone with Kelly, I notice that she is passed out. My focus turns from her and turns toward getting to Kelly's house. I was almost there when I saw a McDonalds. I was ridiculously hungry, so I got in the drive through. I ordered a 10 piece all-white-meat McNugget meal. The woman on the speaker says "Anything else?" I say "Nope" and pull ahead. I begin to think that maybe this girl wants some food. I turn and look over at her, and I realize that should have been paying attention. I hadn't even looked at her since she passed out because I was on the phone with other people telling them what was going on. I can't believe my eyes, but it's true, the girl has for some reason gotten out of her clothes and is now naked in the passenger seat of her car and is just playing there passed out.

Here I am, about to go pay for and get my food from the drive through window and there is a naked, passed out woman in the other seat. I've got to get my food from the drive through and somehow not look like the black guy to drugged a white girl and stole her car. I roll the window down a total of 6 inches to pay for my food. At the same time, I turn my back to the woman behind the McDonalds window, probably raising suspicion, but also covering up what was going on in the seat next to me. The woman takes the money and goes back to get my food ready. That is when I violently begin to try to wake this girl up and tell her to put her coddamn clothes back on. She is un-reponsive. The woman returns with my 42 ounce soda, of which 4 ounces spill on my lap as I work it through the 6 inches of open window space. I get my food, back to the lady, and drive to Kelly's house. When Kelly sees what has happened, he can't believe it. I say to him "Mann this girl is crazy, she kept talkin about craigslist and whatnot, then get takes her clothes off for no reason." He says "Yea, it aint the first time. Give me her keys." I toss him the keys and go to bed. I have told this story to all of my close friends and none of them can believe it. But you know what? I can believe it, because crazy things like this seem to always happen around me. Plus, Kelly says he has hooked up with this girl, so I know she's crazy. I should refrain from the driver role next time. I bet people who are designated drivers see alot of things they were never meant to see.

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Best Week Ever

2007-07-24T15:37:19-07:00

Basically, I have decided that I now love Las Vegas. The last time I was there, I had an O.K. time. In the "I'm Not Big TIme" and "You've Got to be Kidding Me" entries, I watched the beautiful celebrities splash champagne in the VIP while I was crowded on the dance floor. This last trip was very different my friends. Why was it so diffewrent this time? Hmm I dunno. Maybe it had a little something to do with the fact that I was there with the Memphis Grizzlies. Yea, that was it. I was in town with 20 NBA teams. It makes a little bit of a difference. Oh yea, I happened to be staying at The Venetian ... eeevvverrr heard of it?

You haven't heard of it? Well take a look at both of the plasma TVs that were in my room. There was also a 20 inch LCD in the bathroom which could easily be seen through the glass shower doors. The downstairs TV was actually an LCD too and was only 32 inches, whereas the upstairs one was a full 42 inch plasma. Sorry, I had correct myself on the awesomeness of my room. Once I saw the room, I knew this was going to be the best week ever. It only got better...

So, we played a game on the first Friday and had 2 days before our next game on Monday. Perfect. Nice. When we got out of our game, it was about 7. Got back to the Hotel at 8 after dinner. I call down to TAO Nightclub and tell them that I want to be added to the guestlist. They inform me that the list closes at 7pm. I say "Well that's a shame because my teammates and I thought we could get on a list." They ask me what team. I then say "Memphis Grizzles." I hear plenty of typing and then "O.K. my sincerest apologies Mr. Benson. I have Benson plus six on the list. Is there anything else I can do for you?" "Nope," I reply, "that will be all."

That was the first time I've ever gotten such treatment. The night would only get sweeter. When we got into TAO some other NBA guys (names much bigger than Rod Benson) already had a VIP booth reserved. Some of us knew some of them and all of a sudden, I find myself in VIP at TAO. The sweet thing about this was that our booth was next to the main walkway, so we all just stood out at the front of the booth. This is no joke, whatever girl I asked to come chill with me in the booth said yes. Every single one. I'm talkin striaght up ready like spaghetti. I've never had such a great success rate. It was like being the lone fisherman, in a clear pond, fishing for record sized, starving fish. My bait? Good looks and NBA promises.

After our game on monday, we had another two days off. It was that monday night that I had the best night ever. I had my 32 ounce steak at Outback -- delicious. Then I headed back to the hotel. As I was making my way towards the elevators to go to my room, I saw a kid who I hadn't seen since high school. He tells me about how successful he is nowadays and that he gambles so much that they comp his room at The Venetian. He then asks me if I want to go gamble with him. I let him know that I have no intention of gambling because my Per Diem has to last me for weeks after summer league. He says: "Hey, don't worry about it. I'll give you a couple hundred, lets just go." How could I turn that offer down?

We sat down at the blackjack tables and got to work. I got down to $50 very fast. I then won 5 straight hands to get up to $400. I then got up, gave my boy his $200 back, and went to my room -- $200 richer.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna go out that night or not, but my boy Matt wanted to check out some club at the Palms. We caught a cab over there and the place was dead. We then decided to check out Pure. I let it be known that the last time I was at Pure, I hated it. Somehow we still decided to go.

When we got to Pure, it was almost the same scene as I remembered from last time. I was standing at the end of a very long line that would take about an hour to get to the front of. It was right then that the similarities to my last trip ceased to exist.

"Rod Benson," I hear someone call from a short distance, "are you Rod Benson?" I tell him that I am indeed Rod Benson. He then says to me: "Your blog is awesome and I watched you play in the summer league man, good stuff. Anyways, we have a list in VIP. Just go up to the front and say the name Adrian Abello."

So I walk right up to the front and stand in the VIP line. The guys says: "Name?" I reply "Adrian Abello." He checks his list and lets us in. BOOM Tho. Well, actually, since Matt got in too, BOOM got them DOS!

I get in and make a couple laps. The pussycat doll burlesque is in full effect. Some people think that I'm in a strip club or something in "Boom got them DOS!", but it's actually inside of Pure during the pussycat doll show. Anyways, I keep moving and I notice a couple NBA vets have a VIP table. Turns out again that some of us knew some of them and now I'm in the VIP son. Im talkin about Grey Goose and Courvoisier son in the VIP like rockstars. It gets better.

The bouncer says to me that I can bring a girl in but she has to look good. I say to him that I don't see any immediately. He then invites me to take a walk with him. We walk to the elevator and go to the outside part of the club. He then says a pretty amazing statement to me. "Pick one." "What do you mean pick?", I say back to him. He then says "I mean tell me which girl you want to talk to and I'll get her over here."

I stood there and started thinking to myself. Could this be real? It didn't seem real at all. I guess I was daydreaming for longer than I thought because he came up to me and said "Do you see that girl over there? I told her you wanted her to come to VIP with you, but she thinks you're out of her league. Anyways, my job is done here. See you back downstairs."

So, now I'm downstairs, in VIP, with NBA stars, sipping courvoisier (actually, probably obnoxiously, repeating the phrase "pass the courvoisier"), with a girl who ROD BENSON is out of her league. There's pretty much nothing that can make this moment any sweeter.

And then I hear someone bark into a microphone. "Grrrrr. Arf, Arf!" No way is it DMX having a surprise performance up on the stage. I might have shed a single, joyous tear right at that moment. I couldn't have scripted the night any better than what really happened. DMX rocked the house. Mann he must have performed like 6 songs. I looked at him, then at her, then at the Courvoisier, and decided right then and there that these times must go on. I must make the NBA. I must.
See the joy and disbelief in my eyes? The VIP has that effect on a brotha!

GRRRRR ARF ARF! DMX up on the DJ Booth getting loose son!

I now have 2 very specific and related goals:

Goal 1: Make the NBA at all costs.
Goal 2: Use my NBA-ness to get into a party that Megan Fox is at (See Transformers) and hope that she finds me to be out of her league.

Everything else is just details.

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The Offseason Part 2

2007-07-23T13:47:20-07:00

Wow, has it really been a month since I last posted something? I swear I've nearly had my life threatened by people waiting for me to post my new blog. Well, there have been a couple of reasons for my delay. For starters, my hard drive crashed on my macbook, putting me out of commission for a few weeks. Then there was this little matter of playing in the NBA Vegas Summer League. So, I guess I'll just pick up where I ended the last post...

After working out for Golden State, I had a couple days off before traveling out to Memphis for their mini-camp. This camp was unique from the others for two reasons: it was after the draft, and it was directly before summer league. This meant that first round pick Michael Conley Jr. was there as well as Rudy Gay, Kyle Lowry, Tarrence Kinsey, and Alexander Johnson -- guys who are actually getting paid.

I got in the day before the camp started and was the last person to fill out paper work and get a physical. As I have stated many times before, I hate doing the "grab my balls" test, so I was pretty happy to see that guys were getting their physicals done in the open area of the trainers room, eliminating the possibilty of such a check. As it turns out, those guys were returning players so they didn't need to get re-checked. I was promptly walked to the back room where the doctor, while doing the balls test, began to tell me why they do the test. He told me the story about how Lance Armstrong, while doing this very test, was found to have testicular cancer. He told that, because of that, it's becoming a much more widely used test, even on younger athletes like myself. He told me that I could even give myself the test. To quote him: "nobody knows your balls like you." It was then that I realized he had been talking for like a minute and a half telling me all these stories, and his fingers were still on my balls! We both must have lost track of time.

The next day I got to the locker room and saw that they had given me jersey number 4 -- Stromile Swift's number, not the Rod Benson 0. Not only that, but they put me in Stromile's locker as well:

I was obviously pretty hyped about the whole thing seeing that I took a photo of the locker.

We got to work on the court for the next two days. It was actually a lot of fun for me to go head to head with all these guys who had much bigger names than me, even though Rudy Gay dunked on me so viciously that I considered retirement. Still, I had my fair share of nice plays offensively and defensively. Like Golden State, after the first day, Tony Barone approached me and congratulated me on my performance on that day. It's small potatoes in the grand scheme of things, but guys like me never forget comments like those. I can pretty much remember every nice thing a coach I respected ever said to me. It dates back to the 5 and 6 year old division of the Boys and Girls club basketball league. "Rod, you're doing a great job of being tall," my coach said after my first couple of plays. Then 5 minutes later it was: "A basketball is not for kicking." I haven't kicked a ball since.

The second day of practice was considerably tougher mainly because it included our 4th practice in 2 days. Roger Powell, David Bluthenthal, and I won the shooting competition, earning "respect" as coach Iaveroni put it. I was also upgraded to the first team for the day which I took as a good sign.

After the second practice, I was so tired I could hardly walk, but I still took a little time to check out the surrounding area, which I concluded was pretty tight. I could definitely have a lot of fun in memphis. They say Austin is the live music capitol of the world, but Memphis has to be right at #2 if that's the case. Every single place has live music, and a couple places have dueling pianos inside -- I love dueling piano bars.

Now it was time to head to Vegas. We had practice the day we arrived, which sucked because my body was so tired. But since everyone was tired, it was just something I had to deal with.

We practiced in the same spot where the 2007 NBA Dunk contestants practiced (I think). I came to this conclusion because this was one of our baskets:
If you look closely, those are Dwight Howard's stickers up there around 12 feet. I can barely touch the bottom of the lower one, let alone slap it up there and catch an alley-oop. Props to Dwight Howard.

The first day of summer league was pretty much amazing. I got the starting job, which I didn't quite expect. I got to go up against 2 NBA post players in Zhi Zhi and Jianlian. I got to see Rudy Gay completely humiliate Yi in the open court (I felt better about Rudy dunking on me -- I guess he is Rudy Gay). I got to wear a jersey that had an NBA team name on the front and my name on the back. I know it's just summer league, but you cant beat that. I mean, I'm not that guy who is used to this kind of thing. I'm the guy who was pretty much starstruck by Tim Cowlishaw when he walked by me in Dallas a year ago, and mesmerized by David Aldridge who was watching a couple of our games. I got a fast break lay up and one of the first things I thought was "I wonder if David Aldridge saw that?"

We had a couple practices between game one and game two. The noteworthy thing from the two days didn't happen during the practice itself, but afterwards. See, we had this kid assisting us with water and towels and whatever else we needed. After the second practice, we were walking to the car. It was a record for the hottest day in Vegas that day. I think it was 120 degrees. It basically felt like it does when you put your face under water while in a Jacuzzi. Anyways, somebody decides to pay this kid $100 to sprint as fast as he can, in this heat, to the other side of the football field, touch the goal post, and back. It was probably 220 yards total, but the kid did it. I was pretty sure that he would die of heat exhaustion, but his will to live and spend that $100 must have kept him going.

The second game was against Detroit. The first thing to note about this game was that I had 12 points, not 10 like the stat sheet said. I don't know where my two points went, but I will be searching feverishly until I find out. Although we lost the game, I thought we played well, we just didnt shoot well as a team. It was on this day that my love affair with Mike Conley began. Running the pick and roll with this guy is like a dream. No matter where I was on the court, he could find me. I bet that Mike Conley could find Osama Bin Laden...if he was open.

The third game was special for a few reasons. For one, I got to go head to head with my former teammate Darius Rice. Last time I saw him was the night of his 52 point performance. The second reason was that Coach David Joeger ran the head coaching duties for the game. Lastly, because I played well and the team won big. Coach actually took me out early to preserve my legs for the next game, acknowledging the fact that we had the game in the bag and that he thought I played well.

Game 4 was offensively the opposite of game 3, for the team and myself both. There was still something cool about the game however. First of all, Chris Kaman was on the Clippers summer league roster. I thought it was pretty awesome that I got to go head to head with one of the best centers in the game today. It was even better when it turned out that he was one of those guys who runs his mouth. It really got me fired up to guard him. He only hit me for 2 points all game (yea, only 2) and I thought I did a good job of frustrating him. At the end of the day, we still lost the game though and he did still have 19 and 11. But I feel like as far as my post defense learning curve goes, that was a big boost.

Game 5 concluded 14 days straight of practice or games (we actually did have one day off in the middle) and the 3rd game in 3 days. I felt exhausted pretty much the whole game. I would call that game my worst all around because I did nothing well and I felt terrible the whole time.

After the game, all the fans wanted us to give them our gear. I threw one guy a shoe and the other shoe went to a kid. Then I gave my shooting shirt to the same kid who sprinted the football field. The people didnt stop asking me for gear though. I was shoeless and shirtless and they still wouldn't be satisfied until I was completely naked and they had my socks. I guess they assume that we are NBA guys so we can buy it all again. They don't know that I can't.

Well, my future is still up in the air for right now. Who knows where I'll be in the coming months? My boy Roger Powell just signed to go to Italy, a smart choice, the rational choice, but it is hard to be rational in a situation like mine. Chance it and stay here, knowing that getting cut is another D-League ticket? Go overseas and make money and never have $8 in my wallet again? I guess only time will tell, but I'll tell you this, if I have a legitimate shot, I'm goin for it, because I know what I can do.

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The Offseason

2007-06-25T01:38:50-07:00

While the college kids are preparing for the NBA Draft, us older guys are out trying to take the free agent route. So a couple of weeks ago, I got a call from my agent. He said that it was time for me to start making NBA related moves, the first of which was a free agent camp in Milwaukee. It’s always nice to say that you’re going to Milwaukee for mini-camp, rather than saying: “yea, I’m just kinda hanging out until I hear something.” People think you’re wasting your life away when you don’t have actual dates and teams. It’s also nice to get that Per Diem for everyday that you workout. I didn’t exactly make the big bucks this past year, so every dollar counts. My agent called me the “dumbest Berkeley kid ever” for not telling him that I only had $8 to my name (I needed him to book a shuttle for me from the airport to the hotel when I landed in Milwaukee). That’s how it goes sometimes.

So I arrive at the Hyatt Regency in Milwaukee and the first thing I have to do is use the bathroom, but I refuse. I know that we have physicals in 10 minutes and if they weigh me, then that extra 2 lbs could come in handy. 221 looks better than 219 any day of the week, so I hold it. Turns out that there is no weigh in, just the typical physical.

I did feel lied to a little bit because the doctor said to me: “I do my physical a little differently. I only check the things that are sports related.” That got me excited, because I thought to myself: “Yes, he won’t have to grab my balls and make me cough, because that’s definitely NOT sports related.” Then he says “Pull down your pants, turn your head to the left, and cough. I need to check your testis.”

After the physical, there was a meeting. I got to see who all was there at the mini-camp. I recognized Aaron Miles, Omar Cook, James Thomas, Lionel Chalmers, Matt Haryasz, Renaldo Major, and some others. These things are like NCAA tournament memory lane. Everyone talks about their games against rivals and whatnot.

Matt Haryasz (I pronounce it Hairyass) had plenty to say about the Cal – Stanford rivalry, but I mean they DID beat us 6 of 8 times, so he can pretty much say whatever he wants. One thing we could all agree on was that toomuchrodbenson.com was hot and that “BOOM Got Them DOS!” was even hotter. Matt couldn’t stop laughing at Luke Jackson’s cameo.

The camp itself went pretty well. I got a lot of feedback about my game, and good mentorship from some of the older guys. My agent informed me that the Warriors wanted me to attend their free agent workouts as well. So right after my 3 days in Milwaukee were up, I headed back to the Bay Area for a 2 day camp with Golden State.

This time the list of participants included my ex teammate Joe Shipp, and former UCLA stars Toby Bailey, and Jelani McCoy. Yep, you read that right… TOBY BAILEY and JELANI MCCOY. Toby Bailey was the man back in the day. I told him that I used to watch him when I was in 4th grade. He said: “You gonna act like I’m an old man?” I said: “Hey, it’s not how you look, it’s how you feel.” He then replied: “So you’re saying I look old then?”

I wasn’t exactly saying that he looks old. I guess in a way, it’s very weird competing for a spot with a guy who’s name hasn’t rung a bell since the 1995 NCAA Championship. I guess in a way, he IS old. I mean, let’s really think about it. He got to UCLA in 1994. In 1994 I was 9 years old. I got to thinking…who exactly was Rod Benson when Toby Bailey was at UCLA?

In 1994 I…
Loved Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Doug, GUTS, Family Double Dare, Family Matters, Step by Sep, Fresh Prince, and of course, with moms permission, In Living Color.

Was the Boys and Girls club champion in many events, including: paper airplanes, foosball, prisonball, and air hockey.

Won the Ada Harris Elementary School Olympic day blue ribbon (first place) in 100 yd. dash, 4x100 relay, and standing broad jump.

Was ridiculously hyped that Rice Crispy Treats started being sold by Kellogs, making my recess snack complete

Finally got a big enough shoe size to fit into these hand me down Nike Air Flights that had always been too big.

Was playing POGS for keeps on a regular basis, and winning.

Played soccer, and was absolutely terrible. I played the least minutes and led the league in fouls.

Was discovering my talents as a natural born video gamer on my Super Nintendo. Super Mario All-Stars and Ken Griffey Junior presents Major League Baseball were awesome.

Was not a Ken Griffey fan, but instead a Frank Thomas fan, who was collecting Frank cards with a passion.

Watched Toby Bailey on his way towards becoming the 4th leading scorer in UCLA history. That’s how old school Toby Bailey is.

Back to the workout, it was very weird asking Toby Bailey to come off the ball screen and look for me on the pop. But we got it done. It was pretty cool when he was watching “BOOM Got Them DOS!” in the locker room. He couldn’t contain himself when I said “I’m like K.G. except I ain’t worth a dollar.”

Before we started the workout, I heard one of the 2 greatest things I’ve ever heard. Don Nelson made it a point to say that on the Warriors, the posts don’t post on the block, they post on the elbow or not at all. They set ball screens and run the floor. GREAT news. That’s like telling a fat girl that there is a free buffet all night!

After the workouts, I heard second of the two the greatest things I’ve ever heard. Don Nelson walks up to me (already awesome because I’m pretty much starstruck by a man with so much basketball clout) and says: “Rod, I really enjoyed watching you play. You’re in pretty good shape, huh?” I didn’t really know how to respond. It was like those T.V. shows where a hot girl approaches the guy who has been eyeing her but is clearly not on her level, then the guy stumbles over his words and looks stupid. I said back: “I mean, umm yea, I could be better.” Then Don Nelson replies: “Well, you’re in better shape than these guys. You run the floor really well.” I stood there kind of awkwardly as he walked away. I was so giddy that I couldn’t really put myself together -- I might as well have just been propositioned by Jessica Biel.

I can pretty much end it there, and I will. I’ve got some more workouts and whatnot leading up to the summer league. I’ll keep you posted

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Funny MySpace Messages 7

2007-06-18T01:25:04-07:00

It’s been just over 2 months since the last installment of funny myspace messages. I must say, I’ve had so many during the past few months, that I left quite a few of them out. Well, there’s no time to waste time, so let’s get this started.

I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:

Miss u much!
Body:    Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!

SweetAnn

In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...

This girl did too:

This is what she sent me:

WHAT UP
Body:    What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy

...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.

I also never talked to this girl:

I don’t think that she noticed...

Subject: n/a
Body:    jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance

She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.

Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:

Subject: No Subject
Body:    hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance

Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.

I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...

...much like:

Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
            "dey wut ii do best♥"

Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States

This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:

sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia

I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.

Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...

She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:

hey
Body:    hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back

Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.

I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:

I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”

Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:

This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”

Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!

One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:

When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.

I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:

I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.

I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:

Subject: would u...............
Body:    would u let me suc ur d*c

Especially not from:

Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...

These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:

“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”

Subject: No Subject
Body:    hey whud up? so wassup w/u?

1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"

Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana

Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy

1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Tasha”

Subject: CAN YOU
Body:    COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.

2 months later..

Subject:    hey
Body:    what's good with you?

1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.

These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:

rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM

WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK

Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:

Subject: Question
Body:    Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?

Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:

Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.

4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?
rodrique benson: sounds like a good job haha
socalimandingos: Started my freshman year at UCLA
socalimandingos: just some of the homies and some freaks we knew
socalimandingos: since then, the shit really done grew
11:55 AM
socalimandingos: you must be staying with family out here cause there's no way you can survive here without having a job lol
rodrique benson: my homies from ucla actually
socalimandingos: oh okay. that's cool.
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you're comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations? nothing some liquor cant help with lol
12:00 PM
socalimandingos: Have you ever heard of The Mandingo Club?
12:05 PM
rodrique benson: sounds familiar
socalimandingos: You got time right now so I can give you a run down?
rodrique benson: sure
socalimandingos: bet
socalimandingos: We host Private Upscale Interracial Swing Parties wherein Professional Couples, Ladies and Select-Brothas get together to network, socialize, and eventually indulge in their innermost fantasies. You'd be amazed my man, at how many sexy women out there just need to be in the right environment to unleash their 'inner freak'.
12:10 PM
socalimandingos: The parties are Members-Only. The membership base is made up of professionals from all walks of life-- Athletes, Entertainers, Adult Entertainers, High ranking Gov't/Law Officials, Corporate CEOs, Doctors, Lawyers, Cops. You name it, they're swinging my man! Basically people that have professional careers by day, who enjoy partying and having fun with like-minded people who share the same interests. Ultimately, we all get to live out our wildest fantasies.
socalimandingos: Still there?
12:15 PM
rodrique benson: yea i am
socalimandingos: ok, i'll continue
socalimandingos: I started the organization back in 1996 as a freshman at UCLA. Back then, it was merely a few friends and colleagues, having fun on Friday nights. Enjoying the company of ladies, and getting drunk. Typical college shit, ya know? Since then, things have blossomed into what it is today. We have chapters in Atlanta/Miami, NYC/NJ and here in Cali/Vegas.
12:25 PM
socalimandingos: The way the parties go, the Couples, Ladies and Brothas arrive at the party house. Everyone dressed to impress. The evening starts off with folks socializing, networking [Networking is a big aspect of these parties as we all have professional careers], drinking/smoking, basically getting to know each other. As the evening goes on, you begin to notice heavy sexual overtones- Ladies changing into lingerie, fellas eating pussy, ladies sucking cock. Before you know it, everyone is going at it, one wild orgy.
12:30 PM
socalimandingos: For the record, all the Ladies are Bi. All the Brothas are STRAIGHT. We don't get down with bi, gay or DL guys.... That's not our style, and that's even more a reason why we are a private organization.
socalimandingos: The parties take place in private homes of members throughout LA, OC, Vegas. The parties range in size-- Small and Large. Small parties tend to have about 4-6 people at most. These small parties tend to be what I start rookies off with (like yourself), so you can get your 'feet wet' and eventually work your way up to the bigger parties. The bigger parties tend to have between 20-25 people.
12:35 PM
socalimandingos: The parties never get larger than that, because we're not trying to create a 'sausage fest', if you know what I mean. I like to keep the ratio of ladies to men about even or at most 1:2. Parties are 2-3 times a month, on weekends.
socalimandingos: U still there?
rodrique benson: yea
socalimandingos: Did you read everything I wrote?
rodrique benson: yep
socalimandingos: Good.

SO yea, basically, I dont even have to say much to that. It just shows what I deal with regularly when it comes to myspace. I get people with crazy ideas all the time. I mean I still get the occasional friend request from a seemingly normal person:

and then I see that their page says this:

About me:
hi my name is shonda and i am a good person to hangout with.and i also like to do fun things like going out to the club and i also on here to meet me some new friends so i can chat with.and i also like to hang with my homegirls and homeboys when they be around.and for the ones that is hating on shonda can lick shonda ass.and for the are not hating on shonda send me a message.and do you know that i like to get my drink on and my smoke on.and what up hi yall doing.

Considering we have so much in common, how could I not want to be friends with her? Do I know that she like to get her drink on and her smoke on? No. Maybe I’m a hater for that. Maybe I should lick shonda a$$. Maybe I’ll send back a message like the one I got from this guy:

Subject: i can guess ur name
Body:    KYLE

then 2 months later...

Subject:    sup kyle
Body:    wat u up 2

First a wrong guess, then a repeat performance. I just don’t have an answer for this. I REALLY didn’t have for the next girl either...

She sent me this:
u wack

So I sent back:
haha thats funny

She replied:
keep it movvin u hella fake

Then I said:
do i kno u? haha how can i keep it movin u dont even exist

Of course she answered:
leave me alone i kno u and u are fake and i dont get what tha hell i see in u stop writin me bye

I honestly don’t even know this girl. I’ve never met her or talked to her in my life, so why is she so hostile? Who knows? I think she must have me confused because this was her headline on her page:

Stop smiling at me, get that look off your face Please dont even front, stop being so fake I know you don't like me, yeah you've made it very clearYou always talkin' 'bout me from what I hear Always put me down when you thought that you could

??? Who knows? Maybe she has seen my funny myspace messages and is now trying to be crazy just to get on here like the girl who sent me this:

(I won’t show her photo, because I’m not really makin fun of her)

nice eyes wanna f*ck!!

thinking that this was myspace message gold, I sent her back:
you cant be serious

She then hit me back with:

im just playin with u...i just read ur blog on ur web site about all those people sending u myspace messages.

Damn, so close, but she actually got me I guess. I really wanted to use that. That wasn’t the only time...

This is from a different girl:

Subject: heyyyyyy
Body:    So are you in Los Angeles or up north?? Whats up?

Honestly, it wasn’t a bad message and the girl didn’t look bad. She wasn’t odd or crazy. I didn’t even think twice about it. Then I got this the next day:

Subject: My Bad
Body:    Long story short, I came accross your website today and found the part about Myspace Girls really funny. Then I remembered that I messaged you something stupid yesterday while I was really bored at work. It doesn't matter at all because I don't know you, but I'm just pretty embarassed that I presented myself as some unintelligent breezy looking for sweet lovin' on Myspace. Anyways, just wanted to say keep on' writing because you're great at it...
-Cindy

To me, the attempted retraction was funnier than anything she could have said, but I guess it was necessary.

I’ll leave this edition with this last bit. See this girl is really nice, and if she reads this, I hope she understands that I just couldn’t leave this last message alone...

Body: lol Hi Rod. My name is Chrissy; I am 27 yrs old from Vancouver Island, Canada. I just finished reading 1 of ur hilarious blogs about funny myspace messages! lol it was REEEALLY funny & entertaining; you really have quite a talent for comedic writing & i just had to message you to tell you how impressive you are lol. & you seem like a REEAALLY gr8 person & i like you & I want to add you as a myspace friend...lol

Thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. I mean wow, what a nice compliment. I didn’t respond because I was busy trying to win a D-League championship. It was then that I got like 3 more messages, one of which was this:

WOW! Ur REEEALLY an aWESOME person & ur VERY popular & every 1 LOVES you! lol You should be FAMOUS! lol You seem like a really gr8 guy, ur funny, smart, intelligent, witty, charismatic, well rounded, good head on ur shoulders & all that good stuff lol I'm really impressed with you! Do you have ANY flaws? lol Do you go to church? My Dad's name is Rod; Rodney actually; he has funny nick names Rooney & Roonster lol! You know what's really weird? I've never really met any black ppl b4; i live in sorta small town & there just wasn't any blacks here when i was growing up. So now i'm 27 & never met any blacks or had any black friends. Except for recently i met 2 at church lol they really nice ppl 1 is a young guy name Anthony who just married pretty white wife & now they just had an adorable baby...Anthony plays keybpoard for our church & he is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! You should see him HE TOTALLY ROCKS OUT On the keyboard! Alot of blacks came to our church last summer for Anthony's wedding..I like their energy! & i shook hands & met 1 really nice older black man who comes to our church sometimes. & that's about all my experience with black ppl I've had b4..i feel sad about that ..lol i hope i'm not giving you MORE material for ur blogs about funny myspace messages! LOL!

Cmon now girl, why did you have to send me this? What’s weirder than the fact that your dad’s nickname is “Roonster”? Oh yea, the fact that you’ve never met any black people. Except for those 2 at church. YOU LOVE THEIR ENERGY. Oh man. I’m glad you are meeting some solid black people, but coddamn this was one of the funniest things I’ve read in my life. You definitely DID give me more material, but don’t take it personally...if you like my blogs, you should see me on a keyboard.

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You've Got to be Kidding Me (Vegas Part 2)

2007-06-02T01:23:36-07:00

Well, on my last night in Vegas, I was definitely over the club scene. I was too small time for the club the night before, and spent $40 just to get in. I made up my mind early on that last day that I would only go to bars that night. Nobody was gonna change my mind. I wanted to do something free, and I wanted to do something adventurous.

I figured I would hit 20 bars in 4 hours. I’d have a beer at every spot, check out the women and see if any were ready like spaghetti, and keep moving after a few minutes. The plan seemed flawless. “Billy” was gonna come with me and Renee was strongly considering joining in with me.

At about 8 P.M. I was ready to make my moves. Renee, “Jimmy”, “Billy”, and a few other people got a bottle of Ketel One and each had a few shots. It was then that I was informed that Jimmy convinced Billy to go with him to the clubs and Renee had decided to do the same. Basically what it meant was that I had to either join them, or make my moves on my own.

I took a couple more shots and alerted the room that I would indeed hit the bars on my own. We all agreed to meet up later, after the dust cleared. At about 8:45 we got into a limo (I still dont know who paid for it), and I told the driver to drop me off at a hotel with good bars, while everyone else went to the Hard Rock for some party that cost $100 for men and $50 for women (good decision not going there).

I got out of the limo and went right to the first bar I saw. I ordered a Miller Lite and began to look out for “stragglers”. Rod Benson’s 2007 Dictionary defines a “straggler” as any woman who has for some reason decided to have a small time night and kick it at a bar without male company. They often include girls who ditched their girl-friends that night. Anyways, no stragglers were found. After about ten minutes at the bar, I left and began walking to the next bar.

I went from bar, to bar, to bar, to bar, having a Miller Lite at every one. I would sometimes get a Grey Goose and Cranberry (Bill Simmons suggests that Red Bull is a more typical athlete drink, but he also suggests that one of us will die as a result, which is why I dont get them). I had reached about 10-12 bars and still had not seen any decent stragglers. At this point I was at Caesers Palace. There was a shuttle that made its way to the Palms every 10 minutes, so I decided to wait for it. It was at this point that I realized that I was beginning to cross that line. Either I was feeling the drinks or I was just feeling the griminess from 3 nights in Vegas.

I arrived at the Palms hotel and went looking for the first bar. As it turns out, the first bar I saw had like 6 bowling lanes inside of it as well. I thought to myself “You’re already here, might as well bowl a game.” It was about 12:30 at this point. Reports were coming in from my friends that Hard Rock line was too long and they weren’t trying to pay that $100 to get in. Good call on my part not partaking in their activities.

I bought a Miller Lite and one game on the lanes. I got to my lane, picked out a 14 LB. ball (dont act like you’re not impressed), and threw a strike right off the bat. The place was small, and I am 6’10” so I got a little attention already, but the strike turned a couple heads. Two girls behind me smiled when they saw the strike. I confidently picked my ball back up for my second throw. Gutter ball, dammit. I turned back to the girls who were now laughing at me. They had reason to, I guess.

I walked back towards the girls, and motioned for them to come bowl with me (it was a little loud for me to yell over the music). They both agreed and walked over. Stragglers, yes! They balls much lighter than mine (thats what she said), and began to bowl a couple of my frames. They were communicating via sign language because it was so loud, but it also meant that I couldn’t understand them. Whatever, I was tipsy anyways, I didn’t really care. I just hate secrets, and I hate when girls use secret non-verbal communication to talk around me.

At about frame number 7, I turned to the girls and said over the music “So, whats up with you guys?” It was a simple enough question. Not too forward at all.. I’m good at this sort of thing. However, they didn’t answer me. I said it a little louder, because it was hell of loud in there. they looked at me dumbfounded. I yelled it this time. “WHATS UP WITH YOU GUYS?!”

They looked at me, then turned back to each other and starting doing more sign language. Coddamn secrets! I wish I knew sign, then I wouldn’t have to yell. Just then, I noticed something.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said aloud. “There’s a coddamn hearing aid in this girls ear.” I yelled out something else, loud as I could. Everyone in the bar turned and looked at me -- except them. Of course, these girls were DEAF! I had literally just spent 45 minutes bowling with these girls and only now had I realized that all that sign language was more than secret girl talk. They were deaf girls. Sweet, actually, awesome choice I made right there. They then big timed me. “We have to go,” they said. I make that sound to good. They definitely used “deaf talk” where it sounds like they were losing a game of chubby bunny. To be honest, they spoke better than I would expect for being def. But still, they big timed me and left.

I bowled my final couple frames and left. The rest of the night was irrelevant. Yea, I gave my card to a couple hostesses and whatnot, but I couldn’t get the deaf girls out of my mind. How could I have not known? How could they big time ME? I mean how many pro ballers invite them to bowl a game? I left Las Vegas the next morning feeling very insignificant. I guess I’m a big fish in certain small ponds, but in Vegas, I’m a small fish in a big pond. So small, in fact, that even the deaf girls are bigger. I guess that’s how it goes.

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Im Not Big Time (Vegas Part 1)

2007-06-02T01:19:37-07:00

Las Vegas, it’s just one of those places. It just happens to be the place that I spent memorial weekend. As you probably already already know, I’m and energetic guy and Las Vegas brings a lot of energy itself, so when combined, the effects can be explosive. At least I felt that I was in store for an explosive weekend when I stepped off the plane. I now feel like I wrong. I’m just not big time enough to really have the kind of time I would like to have when I become official. Why do I feel this way? Because of nights like these....

The names have been changed to protect the guilty...

The second night I was there, my boy “Jimmy” suggested that we go to club PURE. Supposedly it was going to be a big time event because it was Rampage Jackson’s after party (I found out later that he won his fight, helping build the hype for the night). Jimmy, “Billy”, and I got to the club at 9:30 P.M. and the line was already like 1,000 people long. I was not trying to wait that long to get into this place.

I walked up to the front of the line and asked the guy how long it would be before we got in. He let me know that it would take about 2-2.5 hours to get to the front, and that it would cost $40 when we got there (our bootleg free passes meant nothin). As I was walking back to our group, a guy near the front yells out “Haha! You tried that basketball B.S. to try to get V.I.P. and that sh*t didn’t work!”

I turned around and looked at this guy. He was with a crew of about 6 guys who all seemed to share his sentiments, because they were all laughing at me. The amount of disrespect was unbelievable. I mean basically those were fightin words. I turned and looked back at my crew. Jimmy and Billy were no fighters, and let’s face it, neither am I, really. So I decided to let them have their fun.

I returned to our spot in line. Jimmy said that he would wait in line while Billy and I went to the liquor store because Billy and I are not those guys who can afford to pay $13 per drink.

We got our fill at the liquor store and met back up with Jimmy. We finally got in at 11 (an hour ahead of projections), and it was already absolutely packed. It was actually pretty uncomfortable. I kept trying to get space, but there was none to be had. There was plenty of space, however, in the VIP section. It was elevated by about 4 feet so that all the beautiful celebrities could look down on us.

Wilmer Valderamma took the mic and started saying a ton of things that I couldn’t understand. Then he started calling out the names of all the celebs in attendance: Adam Sandler, Kim Kardashian, Mandy Moore, Rampage Jackson, etc. Rod Benson stood below and watched all these people toast their drinks and talk their talk, while he was stuck down with the common folk, overly crowed, being asked how tall he was every 8 seconds.

I got asked if I played basketball so many times that I began saying that I didn’t, so that I wouldn’t have to explain for what team, then explain what the D-League is, then see the disappointment on their faces. One guy says to me “How tall are you? I know you play basketball!” I respond with “No, I don’t. Sorry.” Then he has the nerve to say “Wow, that’s just a waste of height. That sucks.” I, being far too annoyed at this point to give a damn, say “That’s interesting. There are kids dying of leukemia everyday, and you’re wasting this healthy body by talking too much. That sucks.” I walked away after that.

It was then that I wanted to leave. I already knew everyone was thinking “Wow, this guy is so tall, he must be in the N.B.A.! But why isn’t he up there with them? He must not be any good at all, actually.” I asked Billy if he wanted to leave, he said he did, because it was too crowded for him too. Jimmy had already left with a young lady, so we didnt have to worry about him.

Billy and I arrived at the same liquor store for the second time that night. Since I decided that we were pretty much losers at this point, Billy decided to buy a whole fifth. “No way are we coming back here for a third time! No way bro,” he said to me,”I’m gettin the fifth this time.”

We sat back in an alley and starting drinking and talking about how lame we were. The beautiful celebrities were still at the hottest club in Vegas, while we were in the loading dock area of Bally’s by ourselves. We decided that, even though we were lame, and losers, that we could still salvage the night, even though it was already 1:20 A.M. That’s when Billy went to work on the bottle. His tolerance is nowhere near mine, but he didn’t seem to care. These photos represent what followed (the exact reason why I changed his name):

Halfway thru the bottle...

Starting to feel himself a little too much....

Falling down, Del Taco Lemonade goes everywhere

Why get up? Just go ahead and make a phone call while laying in the middle of the sidewalk...

Well as you can see, he was getting progressively worse. When we got back to the hotel (4 A.M.), he was still in high spirits. Some of our other friends were already there waiting for us at the bar. We met some girls and began to talk.

As you can see, I’m still fine, but Billy is DRUNK. Well, we sat down with these girls. Billy was talking to the one on the right (his left). While in the middle of a sentence, he puts his head down and starts throwing up between his legs. The girl says “Wow, how rude.” But Billy does not respond. He literally just sits there with his head down, motionless.

I tell my friend Renee not the go to him just yet, so that we dont cause a scene. Nobody has seen him yet, so I let him sit there for a few more seconds, then Renee and I carry him to the elevator. He drags his feet the whole time. When we get him to our floor, he literally refuses to go any further and makes his body heavy to stop us from carrying him.

I actually had to grab him by one arm and drag him 40 yards through the luxor hotel because he wouldnt move his body. It was funny because he was trying to stop me, but he couldnt. He just kept saying “Rod, wait wait wait. Stop, wait. Hold up hold up.” Then I’d say “What the hell do you wanna stop for?” Then he’d reply “I dont know, just stop.”

It took me almost 2 hours to drag him from the bar to his bed. When he got into bed he just kept saying “No0o0o0o! No0o0o00o! No0o0o0o0o!” Who knows why? All I know is that Billy made his mark that night. Actually he literally left throw up marks in about 7 different spots in the hotel. Had we been big time, this wouldnt have happened. We would sipped casually with beautiful celebrities. I guess we’ll just have to wait until I get that contract

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Escape From Philadelphia

2007-05-24T01:18:04-07:00

Last week, I took a trip to Lancaster, PA, to visit a friend of mine. I must say that every single day I was there, I was involved in a situation I had never been a part of before. Like things that people may never have happen to them in their lives. I’ll just get right to them...

One day I was at the mall, with a couple friends and a little girl (my friends niece). As you can see, I had her up on my on my shoulders:

Well, after about 10 minutes of her being on my shoulders, I felt an odd feeling that I had never felt before. It felt like someone tried to spit on my neck, but no spit came out. It was an odd air burst. Then there was another, and another. I thought I had it figured out, but I wasnt quite sure yet.

All of a sudden, the little girl says “I want to get down.” I say, “Yea, it’s about that time.” She then runs over to her mother and says “I have to tell you a secret. I farted.”

I standing there like “This is ricodamdiculous. I’ve just been crop dusted.” I was directly farted on, right to the neck, three times. I smell like a public bathroom, so I stay away from my other friends, who are all laughing at me. Awesome.

Another day, there was a big BBQ/party that basically lasted from 6pm until 4am. While in the midst of the party I met this woman who asked to take a picture with me because I was so tall (as usual). So I took it and added my own little twist:

After the picture, the woman seemed to always be near me for the rest of the night. She kept calling me pretty eyes and whatnot. Not necessarily unusual (I am rather striking), but still a bit odd considering that I was not really acknowledging her.

One of my friends and I pass out in the basement of the house at the end of the night. He is on one side of the room near the TV, Im on another side, near the stairs.

I wake up in the morning a little earlier than I want to because I hear a couple of voices. I realize that its the same woman and her girlfriend, sitting on the couch in the basement. They are straight up watching us sleep. I pretend to still be asleep, so I can hear what they are saying.

“Oh yea baby, roll over for me”, I hear her say. I’m laying there thinking “this is wrong. So0o wrong.”

I fall asleep again. I wake up two hours later and they are still there, watching us. I hear her say “that’s beautiful over there, and that’s handsome right there. Beautiful and Handsome.” I pop right up this time. My boy has started to wake up too. “Hey handsome,” she says to me, “and you too beautiful,” she says to Darryl.

I got up and walked out of the room. That was it for her.

On the last day, I had to make moves to go home. I had to take the train from Lancaster to Philadelphia because I was flying out of Philly. As I arrived at the Philly Amtrak, I had to take the SEPTA train to the Airport. SO, I dragged my bad up to the counter for the SEPTA train tickets, and I asked the guy how much these tickets cost. He said they cost $5.50. I realized that I only had $2.13 is cash and change on me, so I asked him where an ATM was (I looked stupid because it was right behind me). I walked up the the ATM to withdraw $20. DENIED. What? How could that be? Direct Deposit should have gone through the day before. Well, just how much money was in there then? $0.68. 68 cents, my man, 68 cents.

I’m in downtown Philly. I’ve got $2.13 in cash and $0.68 on my card and a flight back to San Diego that takes off in 2 hours from an airport that is gonna cost $5.50 to get to. How the hell am I gonna escape from Pennsylvania?

I check my wallet once again. There’s a check for $25 dollars that my friend had given me 5 months ago. It’s from Bank of America. I decide that if I’m gonna make it out of here, I will need to get to Bank of America and cash this check. The thing is, I already know that Bank of America is lame and that they don’t cash checks without 2 valid forms of I.D. I’ve got my license (valid) and my expired passport (NOT valid). So, if for some reason I could get to a BofA soon, there’s only a 20% chance I could trick the teller into thinking that my passport is still valid.

“Time to roll the dice,” I thought to myself as I walked out to the taxi area. I tried to hail like 3 taxis before one stopped for me. It was a black guy driving. As I got in, he mentioned that nobody but him would have stopped. It then hit me that, if this check thing didnt work out, not only would I be stuck in Penn, but that I wouldnt be able to pay the only taxi driver who would pick up a black guy, so he might kill me. I dunno what I’m thinking but I know that on TV, the east coast is a crazy place where things like that could happen.

“Do you know where Bank of America is?,” I asked as we got moving.
“Nope, let me try to find out,” he replied.

I was watching the meter carefully. I knew that I would need to pay for a ride to and from this place, and still have $5.50 left over for the damn SEPTA train. I was calling 411 to try to find a close one, but everything was automated. We drove around for a few minutes before I could get one out of this automated thing. BofA was only a few blocks away.

We parked at BofA and the meter was at $9...running. I went inside. As I walked in, there were 3 tellers open. To the far left (closest to me at the time) was a young, attractive black woman. “Nope!”, I thought to myself. No way was I gonna embarrass myself in front of her with my $25 dollar check. Furthest to the right was an older white lady, she seemed in charge. I wasn’t gonna mess with her either. I needed this check to go through, she seemed like she would have no compassion for the lack of valid I.D.’s. Right in the middle, was a 30-35 yr old black woman. I had to go to her by default, but this was no guarantee.

I handed her my check and let her know that I needed it cashed. She asked for my I.D. I gave it to her. “Just one?”, I thought to myself. A good sign. She starts doing a lot of typing into her computer. Too much typing? It was hard to tell, but this check was only for $25. What the hell would take so long. She then walks it over to the old white woman in charge. DAMMIT. No way, exactly what I didnt want. They confer and head behind closed doors. You would think that I was taking out $25,000, not $25. I know that the meter outside is still running. How high is it by now? So many questions, not enough answers.

She comes back and types some more. Finally she asks to me to endorse the check. Yes! As Borat would say: “Great Success! Sexy time explosion!” She handed me my $25 and I was off.

The taxi meter was only at $12.40. Perfect. “Where’s the nearest SEPTA station, my man?”, I asked. “Hold on.”, he replied.

I paid him $15 ( it was like $13.20) when I got out of the cab. Sweet. I had $12.13 now. I got a bomb ass Philly Cheesesteak and still had money to spare for the SEPTA.

Well, as a result of the whole fiasco, I got to the airport about 45 minutes before takeoff. That is normally not a problem, but on Southwest Airlines, seating is based on who gets there first. I was forced to get a “C” boarding card, meaning that I would definitely have a seat in between two 300 lb. wildebeasts. This was going to be a 5 and a half hour flight, I had to get “my seat”. “My seat” is on every southwest flight. It has no seat in front of it and it’s the exit row. This seat is the only seat I can sit in on the whole plane and be comfortable at all. The problem is that these random 4 foot 10 women will take that seat if they beat me to it. I will literally stare them down the whole time as I walk past them. I give a look that says “You have got to be kidding me, you joke.”

I digress. So, I asked the customer service rep for a pre-board slip so that I could get on before everyone else. Southwest has enacted policy recently that says that you cant sit in my seat if you pre-board. I knew I couldn’t get my seat with the pre-board seat, but maybe I could get bulkhead and have some space.

When I got on the plane, some dumbass woman had already “reserved” the entire bulkhead section. Feeling dejected, I walked down and sat in the seat directly behind “my seat”. The flight attendant asked me if I was a pre-board guy. I said that I was, hoping that she would have compassion and put me into my seat anyways. No dice. She walked to the back, and another attendant walked back towards me. This attendant noticed how tall I was. She asked if I played in the NBA. This is when I realized that there was a glimpse of possibility. I mean, coddamn, this had been a long ass day already, I needed my seat.

“Yes, I was on an NBA team.”, I said confidently. She then asked me if I would autograph something for her kids. I replied, “I will, if you can get me that seat.”

She looked at me and said “O.K. But, were you a pre-board?” I said that I was. She then made a big time play and told me to sit there anyways. She then told the other attendant that I had made a mistake and that I misunderstood the whole pre-board thing.

The plane was full by this time, and she came back with some things for me to autograph. She asked me “What team did you play for?” I said “The Sacramento Kings.” I figured that if she googled my name it would have some mention of the kings from last years summer league. I was supposed to go, but before we got on the bus I was told that I wasnt needed. Not exactly a lie, but not what she was looking for. Either way, she would find out sometime. I have big time plans for this summer anyways. By this time next year I think I will be one of those guys. I signed the stuff with “Go Kings!!!” on it and gave it back to her. Yes. Boom. Got my seat.

“I couldnt help but overhear...you’re in the NBA?”, someone behind me asks.

“Oh snap”, I starting thinking, “this could be bad.” Within minutes, everyone on the coddamn plane was all hyped up about me being in the NBA. They were all asking me questions about the league: “What’s it like playing with Ron Artest? What do you think about Kobe? How’s Madison Square Garden?” I had to come up with answers to all these questions on the fly even though there were all false. Basically, at the end of the flight, all these people thought that they had met their first NBA athlete, when in reality they didn’t. A hopeful D-Leaguer with aspirations much higher than his current position is that they got -- a random guy who wanted a good seat. Regardless, I finally escaped from Pennsylvania...comfortably.

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You Don't Have the Balls

2007-05-07T01:11:52-07:00

While in L.A., I got to spend time with my boy Alex. Alex went to UCLA where he was in AEPi fraternity. Basically, because of him and Noose (also an AEPi), I spent a ton of time at AEPi over the years. I became very much a part of the Jewish frat life. Anyways, Alex invited me to their “Jungle Party” on thursday night. I didn’t think he would be so hyped up for it considering we have been out of college for about a year. Well for whatever reason he was real hyped so we decided to go.

At about 9pm that night, we met up with his other Frat brothers for a little pre-party in Westwood. While there, talk of my blog sprung up somehow. All of a sudden everyone is saying how they need to make the night a “blog worthy” night. I’m sitting there in disbelief. They actually want to do something so ridiculous that it would end up as fodder for tmrb.com? Who was I to stop them? I sat there and watched as they all put their hands in (like the way teammates do in sports before breaking a huddle) and say “Get in Rod’s blog on three. 1. 2. 3. Get in Rod’s blog!” Thats when the drinking picked up. Everyone was even more hyped up for the night now that there was a common interest.

When we left the pre-party spot, a couple of guys went straight to the party, while Alex and I made a pit stop at his girlfriends house. When we got there, Alex and Liz started talking about whatever while I prepared a couple more drinks for Alex and myself. I came back into the room and they were talking about something that caught my attention.
Liz was mentioning the fact that, because she is an actress, she has kissed other men since they started dating. She then says that she always says that Alex can kiss another girl to make things even, but that Alex never does it. I interject.

“Liz,” I begin, “you mean to tell me that you would really let Alex kiss another woman?” In my mind this is all just a ploy to test his loyalty to her, but she answers me with “of course I would. I have kissed other guys so it is not a big deal.” It is then that I take it to the next level. “So,” I say laughingly, “if he was to kiss another girl tonight, you mean to tell me that you would be O.K. with it?” She quickly replies with “Yes. Of course. In fact if he kisses another girl tonight I’ll buy him dinner tomorrow.”

I look over at Alex who hasnt said much in a while. I then turn and look at Liz again. “I hope you realize that I will really make him do this. I won’t let him think his way out of this. I will get him drunk and I can get him to do anything when he’s drunk.” She, ever so confidently says to Alex: “You dont have the balls. You’re too much of a p*ssy.” Alex begins to speak up but I dont remember what he says. I am caught up in this new challenge. She has just made the night blog worthy. It is everything Alex could have hoped for. I give her one more chance to end this. I say “Look, I know what you’re doing here. I get it. Testing his loyalty doesnt take all of this. When I leave here it’s on like donkey kong.” She says “We have been going out for 2 and a half years, if he was gonna cheat he would have done it a long time ago. I dont need to test his loyalty. Just make sure that she is not fat or ugly, cause that would be too easy.”

As Alex and I headed towards the party, we were giddy about the party and the possibility of getting him hooked up. It was like he was given his mojo back for a one night trial. As soon as we walked in, we went right upstairs and I got to work. First, I enlisted as many frat guys as I could. I told them that they had one mission and one mission only: to get Alex kissed before the night was over. Once I had an army of helpers, I began to work my magic...

“So I have this friend. His girlfriend actually, seriously bet him that he wouldnt kiss another girl tonight. I was wondering if you would help us out?”

“See my boy over there? Yea, thats him. Im looking for a nice young lady who might kiss him tonight. Just a kiss?”

“Ok so, Im not saying youre that type of girl or anything, but could you see yourself kissing a guy tonight?”

“I will give you $20 straight up if you do me a favor. All I need you to do is kiss my boy over there for just a second. Cmon $20!? Better take that money honey!”

“My friend is a broadway actor. He’s in the new production of ‘The Little Mermaid’. We are looking for an Ariel type girl for the whole ‘kiss the girl’ scene. Do you think you can help us out?”

“Heres the deal. Can you, or someone you know please kiss my friend. We NEED to get this done.”

“$20 bucks to kiss him on the lips. Please. 25?”

I must have tried every single line I could think of. Every single angle I could come from, I did. There was one time where I was like “I have this frien..” the girl cut me off with “No.” One girl said “What are you some kind of pimp? Offering money? Not cool.” Another actually listened to my whole rap, but Alex stopped me with “Liz said the girl can’t be ugly.” Dammit, I guess I got desperate. As 1:30am rolled around, I realized that this was a lost cause. I also realized that for Liz, this wasnt about see if Alex would kiss another girl, it was about whether or not Alex could kiss another girl. Wow. When it hit me I thought she was kind of mean, but hey Alex has been faithful for 2 and a half years, his mojo is all out of whack. What could you really expect from him in a one night situation. The game was unfair.

Oh snap! I had been so busy trying to hook him up, that I didnt talk to one girl my coddamn self! No way did I just let that happen. I grabbed Alex and said “Yea, its getting late. i dont think we can do this. Lets, umm, switch the game and see if we can hook ME up.” He obliged. The only problem with this was that the party was damn near over and every girl there had already heard me pitch for my friend. Terrible terrible situation. It was all over.

The next day, Liz made it clear that I was a failure for not being able to hook Alex up. Then she made him buy her dinner at this nice Italian restaurant and pay for her Spider - Man 3 ticket. She may have won this round, but I swear, one day I will redeem my hookup abilities and get Alex a girl so hot that he will reconsider his lover for her. Lets bet dinner on it.

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The Many Faces of Rod Benson

2007-05-07T01:06:01-07:00

I have one rule when out on the town. The only rule I have is that if someone asks to take a picture with me, I have to get one with MY camera too. You may be surprised how many people want to take a photo with me. I dont think its for any special reason other than the fact that people are overjoyed by my tallness. “Hey, look he’s 7 inches taller than my uncle who I thought was tall!”

Anyways what basically ends up happening is I end up with a ton of ridiculous photos because I tend to make a certain face in the photo so that I remember my feelings at the time. I wake up the next day and check my camera and realize how ridiculous some of these situations really were. Here are a few my recent faces and the best analysis of why I made that face at that time:

See, this is my “I dont know this guy but he must be big time to show up at an L.A. club with a French Model who is younger than me” face. It kind of says how surprised I am, but also says that I can’t hate. This guy would actually break my camera right after taking this photo. I was lucky to fix it, because he made it clear he wasnt gonna pay for another one.

This is my “Hey, I’m not a player, I just crush a lot” face. Sometimes beautiful women just want to be in my presence. Who am I to tell them they cant be? I guess I’m just one fo those guys hahaha.

This is my “I hope you see what I’m seeing” face. I’m walking down 6th street in Austin and what do I see? I see a guy wearing a coddamn thong like its the thing to do. This was a photo that needed to be taken. Still, after everything this guy brings to the table photo wise, I still laugh at the girl more. For some reason her face never gets old.

Wow. I don’t know if I can even title this face. Its very unique because you can see the pain and anger in my eyes. I guess I should call it the “Maybe some pictures should remain un-snapped” face. I feel bad because she looks so happy and I look like she is a walking fart that I am trying not to smell. Hahaha I guess thats how it goes.

This would be the “C’mon guy, seriously?” face. Some people are just way too drunk and will not recognize when I really dont want to take a photo. I’m pretty sure I did everything in my power to get out of it, but he just wouldn’t take no for an answer.

This is my “No, you didnt just do that. Wow.” face. See, you agree to take a pic with someone, then they go and throw up a gang sign. No, that is not the shocker because his index and middle fingers are way too far apart for nearly any woman. Its obvious that he thought it was cool throw up the signs because I probably would too. Wrong.

We call this the “Why the hell are we taking Patron shots at the END of the night?” face. See when you start out with wine at 5pm and drink til midnight, then take 2 Patrons back to back to cap it off, that face seems to pop up every now and then. Girls can get you to do anything I guess.

This is the “I think the championship celebration has gone a bit too long” face. Yea, basically I was done.

Lastly, this is the “You know what? Im just gonna buy in.” face. Yea, after making fun of him in the previous shot, I decided to just throw up a dub. It made the whole thing fun for everyone. Boom.

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If You Aint First You're Last

2007-05-02T01:02:09-07:00