My Horn Can Pierce the Sky!
December/12/2008 11:58 AM Filed in: France!
There’s a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There’s a hole in the wall
Where you can see it all
Just kidding, kind of, I didn’t see
The hole in the wall was too short for me
But I didn’t come here for the trouble
I came to get the double doubles
Alas, that chance for me never came
I sat on the bench the entire game!
The reason? No reason, just haterism
So I partook in some grand tourism
Barcelona and Florence, I saw it all
But I would have preferred to see the ball
Think of me just like you would Vinny Chase
On the set of Smoke Jumpers, such a disgrace
But While I was there I got a lot done
I ate fois gros and drank wine with my man Julian
I dominated the Nancy Mario Kart Circuit
And saw TJ Parker get a $22K haircut
I brought all the hype and none of the drama
And I screwed Sarah Palin -- by voting OBAMA
So now I must go to another place
I’ll do like the Joker and put a smile on your face
Them hold me down? Id like to see em try
But don’t forget, my horn can pierce the sky!
|
A Blackberry, Paris, a Train, a Taxi, and a Faulty Card That Nearly Led to my Demise.
December/08/2008 02:53 PM Filed in: France!
Before you hear this story, you need to understand that I bought a Blackberry Storm here in France about a week ago. I got it here so that I could use my ATT card in it and get 3G speeds. It has been a bit of a process to get it unlocked though and, after searching all week, I discovered a place in Paris that could unlock it effortlessly. Today I had a day off and attempted to get this done. This is my story.
[It was written as an AIM message originally so disregard the grammar and formatting]
So I woke up at like 1230 or 1 today, mapquested the two places that were sposed to be able to handle my phone, found the closer one and wrote the address down
I got in the taxi, and showed him the place
1 was a perfect time because my train back to Nancy was leaving at 4
I get to the phone place at about 130
the guy there said something like "5 hours"
either he meant come back at 5 or that it would be ready at 630
either way, I was going to have to get a new train and find something to do for 5 hours
So I went to lunch at Hippo which is like a TGIFridays style place
got my lunch and tried to pay
my card didnt work
my effin ffrench card has a weird 30-day spending limit
so it just works basically when it feels like it because I bought clothes online
So there was a very embarrassing situation in the restuarant
and they couldnt understand me anyways
We basically just ran the card 6 times and on time 6 it worked
but I tried to go to an ATM afterward and I was NOT able to take out any money
at all
and I had no cash
and the phone would cost 60Euro for the unlock anyways
so I was kind of panicking and I had to catch Taxis all over to get back anyways
So, after 5 hours sitting in a hotel lobby, I got in a taxi, figuring that the card would probably work at an ATM now and I had to pick up the phone and get to the train station
so we drive up to the Phone place which is on an VERY busy street
the cab driver speaks NO english whatsoever and I'm trying to tell him to wait outside for me while I run in and grab the phone
I am debating wether or not to take my bag inside with me, but I decide against it because I want him to know that Im serious about coming back out
when I get into the phone place the guy tells me to hold on for like 5 min
so I go back outside, check on the taxi, hes chillin, and I go to the bank next door to try to take out money
NO DICE
I cant pay for the phone ANYWAY
I got back into the phoen store and the guy tells me that they need to hold my phone for 3 days
and Im like nope cant do it cuz I live in Nancy
plsu I cant pay regardless
I grab the phone and go back outside
TAXI IS GONE
out of panic, and knowing that my laptop is in the bag, I just take off running towards where some taxis are up the street
after like 3 steps, EVERYTHING in my pockets falls out
including the brand new phone
SCRATCHED
I have to spend like 1 minute and a half collecting my things
I didnt realize how much sh** was in my pockets
3 phones
ipod
hella change
and I NEEDED that change
once I collect it all, the taxi driver pulls up
I guess he had to move cuz of a bus
finally a break
get in the taxi and head to the train station
but the bill is like 20 euro and I have like 8
in 50 cent coins
so I propose we go by a bank so I can try to take out just 20 euro
thinking that would worrk
we go to the bank and NO DICE
no money
I tell him that I DID get the money out and to drive back to the train station
on the way I scour my bag and my clothes from the night before
there just happens to be 25 euros in my jeans pocket
my tab was 24
I get out of the taxi with like 14 mintues to go until the last train leaves to come back to Nancy
but I have to change my ticket so I am hustling
i spend 5 minutes just trying to find the ticket office cuz all i see are automated things
I finally find it, go to the counter and start searching my pockets
for a ticket that ISNT TEHRE
lost
somewhere in the mayhem
the guy says that he CAN NOT give me a new one
I have to buy it
So I walk to the corner and just sit down
like no way am I going to be stuck in this trian station overnight cuz I cant go ANYWHERE
I decide to give my card a try in one of the automated things
IT WORKS
50Euro
wtf
get my ticket with NOT EVEN A MINUTE to spare
and sprint to my train
make it home
the end
[It was written as an AIM message originally so disregard the grammar and formatting]
So I woke up at like 1230 or 1 today, mapquested the two places that were sposed to be able to handle my phone, found the closer one and wrote the address down
I got in the taxi, and showed him the place
1 was a perfect time because my train back to Nancy was leaving at 4
I get to the phone place at about 130
the guy there said something like "5 hours"
either he meant come back at 5 or that it would be ready at 630
either way, I was going to have to get a new train and find something to do for 5 hours
So I went to lunch at Hippo which is like a TGIFridays style place
got my lunch and tried to pay
my card didnt work
my effin ffrench card has a weird 30-day spending limit
so it just works basically when it feels like it because I bought clothes online
So there was a very embarrassing situation in the restuarant
and they couldnt understand me anyways
We basically just ran the card 6 times and on time 6 it worked
but I tried to go to an ATM afterward and I was NOT able to take out any money
at all
and I had no cash
and the phone would cost 60Euro for the unlock anyways
so I was kind of panicking and I had to catch Taxis all over to get back anyways
So, after 5 hours sitting in a hotel lobby, I got in a taxi, figuring that the card would probably work at an ATM now and I had to pick up the phone and get to the train station
so we drive up to the Phone place which is on an VERY busy street
the cab driver speaks NO english whatsoever and I'm trying to tell him to wait outside for me while I run in and grab the phone
I am debating wether or not to take my bag inside with me, but I decide against it because I want him to know that Im serious about coming back out
when I get into the phone place the guy tells me to hold on for like 5 min
so I go back outside, check on the taxi, hes chillin, and I go to the bank next door to try to take out money
NO DICE
I cant pay for the phone ANYWAY
I got back into the phoen store and the guy tells me that they need to hold my phone for 3 days
and Im like nope cant do it cuz I live in Nancy
plsu I cant pay regardless
I grab the phone and go back outside
TAXI IS GONE
out of panic, and knowing that my laptop is in the bag, I just take off running towards where some taxis are up the street
after like 3 steps, EVERYTHING in my pockets falls out
including the brand new phone
SCRATCHED
I have to spend like 1 minute and a half collecting my things
I didnt realize how much sh** was in my pockets
3 phones
ipod
hella change
and I NEEDED that change
once I collect it all, the taxi driver pulls up
I guess he had to move cuz of a bus
finally a break
get in the taxi and head to the train station
but the bill is like 20 euro and I have like 8
in 50 cent coins
so I propose we go by a bank so I can try to take out just 20 euro
thinking that would worrk
we go to the bank and NO DICE
no money
I tell him that I DID get the money out and to drive back to the train station
on the way I scour my bag and my clothes from the night before
there just happens to be 25 euros in my jeans pocket
my tab was 24
I get out of the taxi with like 14 mintues to go until the last train leaves to come back to Nancy
but I have to change my ticket so I am hustling
i spend 5 minutes just trying to find the ticket office cuz all i see are automated things
I finally find it, go to the counter and start searching my pockets
for a ticket that ISNT TEHRE
lost
somewhere in the mayhem
the guy says that he CAN NOT give me a new one
I have to buy it
So I walk to the corner and just sit down
like no way am I going to be stuck in this trian station overnight cuz I cant go ANYWHERE
I decide to give my card a try in one of the automated things
IT WORKS
50Euro
wtf
get my ticket with NOT EVEN A MINUTE to spare
and sprint to my train
make it home
the end
Stalker Update or Why I Can't be Facebook Friends with French People Anymore
December/08/2008 02:28 PM Filed in: France!
So, first of all, the stalker is running around telling people that we talk all the time. Still! From what I was told, she has been chatting with “me” on MSN messenger, even after I made it clear to her and every other person of interest that I DO NOT use MSN messenger. I took her OFF my Facebook friends and told her to check herself.
Well, apparently that didn’t work because she has also told people that I asked her to meet me in Barcelona and I that I waved to her in the stands because she REALLY WENT DOWN TO BARCA FOR THE GAME!
Besides just her, I’ve been told that the French fans take pictures from my Facebook profile and paste them into various other sites. Sometimes with negative comments, sometimes without, but always party pictures or pictures from my day off. Maybe my days of putting up photo’s should come to an end anyway, or maybe I should finally stop adding anybody who wants to be my friend. JGant has been monitoring his FB pics for a long time now because his job checks it. I guess, as a professional, it’s time I did the same.
What do you think?
Well, apparently that didn’t work because she has also told people that I asked her to meet me in Barcelona and I that I waved to her in the stands because she REALLY WENT DOWN TO BARCA FOR THE GAME!
Besides just her, I’ve been told that the French fans take pictures from my Facebook profile and paste them into various other sites. Sometimes with negative comments, sometimes without, but always party pictures or pictures from my day off. Maybe my days of putting up photo’s should come to an end anyway, or maybe I should finally stop adding anybody who wants to be my friend. JGant has been monitoring his FB pics for a long time now because his job checks it. I guess, as a professional, it’s time I did the same.
What do you think?
It's So Cold!
December/08/2008 02:26 PM Filed in: Random
I Have a Real Life Stalker (Finally)
November/14/2008 10:09 AM Filed in: France!
---the names have been changed to protect myself---
During my second week here in France (early September), I logged onto Facebook and did my normal add-friends-poke-back-wall-post deal as usual. Unlike MySpace, I never really check who I’m adding, I just do. The ‘book is just not as crazy as MySpace so I don’t find the need for background checks.
Well, maybe that time has come, because just when I thought Mark Zuckerberg had made it safe to Facebook, I got a message from “Julie” on Facebook messenger:
“Welcome to Nancy! I am excited that you are here.”
“Thanks,” I answered.
“I am friends with your teammate. I saw your practice today.”
“Have I met you before?” I asked.
“No. Just saying hi,” she replied.
Like most random people who hit me up on FB Messenger, she just wanted to say hi. I was fine with that.
A few days later, she hit me up again.
“How are you?”
“I’m cool,” I answered.
“I miss you,” she said.
“Wait, what? I don’t even know you. I’ve never met you before.”
The whole “I miss you” thing
“Why are you being mean? O.K. then. Goodbye,” she wrote.
The next day at practice I told my teammates about the whole interaction. Naturally, they asked how she looked. I tried to help them focus on the point of the matter. She had never met me and she missed me. That pretty much negates everything else anyway.
So a few days later, I was with my man Lamayn at a local club and she showed up. I felt kinda bad about what I last said to her and since this was our first meeting, I apologized, but told her that it’s not normal for someone to miss someone they had never met.
The next day she hit me up on FB Messenger again.
“So are we still on for Friday?”
“What do you mean are we still on?” I asked her.
“You told me we would get together on Friday.”
“No, I didn’t. I said one sentence to you. I never said anything about that.”
“Why do you change your mind?”
“I DIDNT TELL YOU THAT SO MY MIND NEVER CHANGED.”
“Then when you are ready to spend time with me let me know,” she said.
Then an hour later:
“You can just tell me if you want to hang out with me or not,” she said.
I wasn’t near my computer so it went unanswered.
“Fine. I guess I have my answer,” she wrote.
A week later she sent me a message about how she doesn’t want me to leave the team and that she read in the local paper that I could be leaving soon. I disregarded it.
Fast forward to November 8th.
I had just gotten back home from a road trip to Cholet. It was 1:15 AM and I was about to leave my spot to go to Lamayns to pick him up and hit the club.
As I walked out of front of my apartment building, there was “Julie” at the call box.
“Who are you here to see?” I asked, befuddled.
“Don’t do this to me,” she said.
“Don’t do what? You’re clearly not here to see me.”
“Please don’t do this, not again. You know I’m here to see you.”
“Are you serious right now? I didn’t invite you here. Don’t do what to you?”
“You told me to come over.”
“No, I didn’t. I’m clearly leaving. It’s 1:20 in the morning. I’m going downtown. I was supposed to meet up with Lamayn 5 minutes ago,” I informed her.
She started getting teary eyed and I felt a little bad.
“Where, when, how did I tell you to meet me here right now?” I asked her.
“We spoke on MSN,” she answered.
“Well, I don’t have MSN. People in the US use AIM. MSN is for Frenchy’s. Everyone knows that I don’t have MSN. If thats true, what’s my screen name?”
“It’s Boom Tho,” she mumbled.
“I mean, that appears to be a good guess, but I don’t have MSN so someone is playing a joke on you or you’re lying.”
“I don’t believe you,” she said. “I think you’re lying to me.”
“YOU don’t believe ME?” I nearly yelled out. “O.K. I’ll prove it to you.”
It was nearing 1:30 now, but I didn’t care. I ran upstairs and grabbed my laptop. I brought it back down and proceeded to scroll through all my apps. MSN was nowhere to be found. I then took the laptop back upstairs and came back down. She was teary eyed again.
Maybe she thought I was going to invite her up or something but that was the furthest thought from my mind. I was late for party time with Lamayn.
“So there you have it. Sorry to tell you, but either you’re being pranked, or you’re lying to me. Either way, I have to go.”
I got in my car and left and had a great time that night. I ended our Facebook friendship (first time I’ve ever ended a FB friendship) and I haven’t heard from her since.
The End.
During my second week here in France (early September), I logged onto Facebook and did my normal add-friends-poke-back-wall-post deal as usual. Unlike MySpace, I never really check who I’m adding, I just do. The ‘book is just not as crazy as MySpace so I don’t find the need for background checks.
Well, maybe that time has come, because just when I thought Mark Zuckerberg had made it safe to Facebook, I got a message from “Julie” on Facebook messenger:
“Welcome to Nancy! I am excited that you are here.”
“Thanks,” I answered.
“I am friends with your teammate. I saw your practice today.”
“Have I met you before?” I asked.
“No. Just saying hi,” she replied.
Like most random people who hit me up on FB Messenger, she just wanted to say hi. I was fine with that.
A few days later, she hit me up again.
“How are you?”
“I’m cool,” I answered.
“I miss you,” she said.
“Wait, what? I don’t even know you. I’ve never met you before.”
The whole “I miss you” thing
“Why are you being mean? O.K. then. Goodbye,” she wrote.
The next day at practice I told my teammates about the whole interaction. Naturally, they asked how she looked. I tried to help them focus on the point of the matter. She had never met me and she missed me. That pretty much negates everything else anyway.
So a few days later, I was with my man Lamayn at a local club and she showed up. I felt kinda bad about what I last said to her and since this was our first meeting, I apologized, but told her that it’s not normal for someone to miss someone they had never met.
The next day she hit me up on FB Messenger again.
“So are we still on for Friday?”
“What do you mean are we still on?” I asked her.
“You told me we would get together on Friday.”
“No, I didn’t. I said one sentence to you. I never said anything about that.”
“Why do you change your mind?”
“I DIDNT TELL YOU THAT SO MY MIND NEVER CHANGED.”
“Then when you are ready to spend time with me let me know,” she said.
Then an hour later:
“You can just tell me if you want to hang out with me or not,” she said.
I wasn’t near my computer so it went unanswered.
“Fine. I guess I have my answer,” she wrote.
A week later she sent me a message about how she doesn’t want me to leave the team and that she read in the local paper that I could be leaving soon. I disregarded it.
Fast forward to November 8th.
I had just gotten back home from a road trip to Cholet. It was 1:15 AM and I was about to leave my spot to go to Lamayns to pick him up and hit the club.
As I walked out of front of my apartment building, there was “Julie” at the call box.
“Who are you here to see?” I asked, befuddled.
“Don’t do this to me,” she said.
“Don’t do what? You’re clearly not here to see me.”
“Please don’t do this, not again. You know I’m here to see you.”
“Are you serious right now? I didn’t invite you here. Don’t do what to you?”
“You told me to come over.”
“No, I didn’t. I’m clearly leaving. It’s 1:20 in the morning. I’m going downtown. I was supposed to meet up with Lamayn 5 minutes ago,” I informed her.
She started getting teary eyed and I felt a little bad.
“Where, when, how did I tell you to meet me here right now?” I asked her.
“We spoke on MSN,” she answered.
“Well, I don’t have MSN. People in the US use AIM. MSN is for Frenchy’s. Everyone knows that I don’t have MSN. If thats true, what’s my screen name?”
“It’s Boom Tho,” she mumbled.
“I mean, that appears to be a good guess, but I don’t have MSN so someone is playing a joke on you or you’re lying.”
“I don’t believe you,” she said. “I think you’re lying to me.”
“YOU don’t believe ME?” I nearly yelled out. “O.K. I’ll prove it to you.”
It was nearing 1:30 now, but I didn’t care. I ran upstairs and grabbed my laptop. I brought it back down and proceeded to scroll through all my apps. MSN was nowhere to be found. I then took the laptop back upstairs and came back down. She was teary eyed again.
Maybe she thought I was going to invite her up or something but that was the furthest thought from my mind. I was late for party time with Lamayn.
“So there you have it. Sorry to tell you, but either you’re being pranked, or you’re lying to me. Either way, I have to go.”
I got in my car and left and had a great time that night. I ended our Facebook friendship (first time I’ve ever ended a FB friendship) and I haven’t heard from her since.
The End.
Bill Adler Photoshoot
November/02/2008 04:26 PM Filed in: Random
Before I left the U.S., I travelled up to Eugene, Oregon to help my buddy Sam out. He works for Bill Adler Leather, and they make high fashion belts that are sold in trendy boutiques all over.
Anyway, his Idea was to have belts be used in interesting/funny/fantastic ways. There’s not much of a story here, but i think the photo’s are funny. The first few are the ones that were actually used, after that are the ones I just think are awesome. You may recognize many of them from Boom Got Them 3.
Boom Got Them DOS!
Anyway, his Idea was to have belts be used in interesting/funny/fantastic ways. There’s not much of a story here, but i think the photo’s are funny. The first few are the ones that were actually used, after that are the ones I just think are awesome. You may recognize many of them from Boom Got Them 3.
Boom Got Them DOS!
Avi is Nuts (another example of a crazy Euro)
November/02/2008 04:12 PM Filed in: Random
If you don’t know who Avi is, then you should go back and read “Naggin in Iceland.” Its a great little tale about his first year in Iceland. Anyway, now this is a short little iChat he sent me:
Avi: some guy that lives abouve came down to tell me they were doin construction but he spole little english so he tryin to tell and im thinking what the f*ck is this dude saying
Avi: anywyas we finally figure each other out after about an hour and he tries to make small talk and asks me where im from
Avi:and before i could say the usa he shouts out AFRICA
Avi: DEAD SERIOUS TOO
Me: hahahaha
Avi: I WAS STANDING THERE LIKE IS AVI FOGEL GONNA HAVE TO SMACK A BIOTCH
Avi: couldnt belive it man
Me:
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Avi: hahahaha i know man
Avi doen’t feel comfortable in his apartment anymore I guess. I wouldn’t either. It’s OK dawg, I got your back.
Avi: some guy that lives abouve came down to tell me they were doin construction but he spole little english so he tryin to tell and im thinking what the f*ck is this dude saying
Avi: anywyas we finally figure each other out after about an hour and he tries to make small talk and asks me where im from
Avi:and before i could say the usa he shouts out AFRICA
Avi: DEAD SERIOUS TOO
Me: hahahaha
Avi: I WAS STANDING THERE LIKE IS AVI FOGEL GONNA HAVE TO SMACK A BIOTCH
Avi: couldnt belive it man
Me:
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Avi: hahahaha i know man
Avi doen’t feel comfortable in his apartment anymore I guess. I wouldn’t either. It’s OK dawg, I got your back.
Funny MySpace Messages 10
October/15/2008 05:34 AM Filed in: MySpace Messages
{Go back and check out installments 1-9 if you haven’t already}
It’s been quite a while since the last “Funny MySpace Messages” dropped, but that’s ok. I think you’ll find the same craziness here that you’re accustomed to finding in my MySpace inbox. In addition to my messages, I’ve got a couple of Clay’s and a even one of Prelle’s. Let’s do it.
I’ll start if off with a girl who was featured in the last installment. She, like so many others, just would NOT STOP with the messages. I just don’t understand why a person would keep sending messages over months and months. Well, “Irene a.k.a. ‘sex big mommy’” and I don’t see eye to eye on this because, in addition to the messages she sent me before, she sent me these as well:
No Subject
Body:
hello sup with you??
Then, 2 months later:
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
How many times can you say hello before someone wants to gag your face (see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)? The lack of interest on my part is clear. There is no answer, therefore there should be no more questions. It aint hard to see why:
Her makeup container is empty for a reason... it’s all on her FACE.
Anyway, the sexy big mommy was a little too much big mommy for me, but I do commend her for using an appropriate display name. One that described her as well as she believed it could. The next girl had a display name that I had to laugh at.
Meet “WARNING- U COULD FALL INLOVE”:
Hahaha no way did I read that name, then see this picture, then laugh so hard that tears came rolling down my face. I guess the laughter wasn’t all about the picture above,
or this picture,
or this picture.
It was a combination of all of that and the message I got:
Jun 24 2008 2:10 PM
whuts gd sweety....stoppin throu showin sum sexy luv wit chocolate over it....hope u return it
I had never been offered “sexy luv wit chocolate over it” before, but ,upon receiving my first taste, I realized that I COULD fall in love...
PSYCH!
Then there was “Nay Nay.”
“Nay Nay” sent me this:
Subject: Yo daddy
Body:
Can I be in your tops
The queen bitch
This is “Nay Nay”:
I’m just going to ask a series of questions and you can do your best to answer, because I have no clue.
1. Is she the queen of the Bitches?
2. What is she wearing, a sheet?
3. Does she have on matching socks?
4. Is she even a she?
5. What are these poses all about?
6. Seriously, these poses are kind of scary, right?
7. Who took these pictures?
8. Did the person who took the pictures approve of such poses?
9. A random cable cord??
10. What is this room? I’d guess laundry, but its too skinny. Seriously, the cable cord throws me way off.
11. Mop?
Thanks for your help.
I’ll take this time to showcase some of Clay’s strange MySpace stalkers. These people must not know that Clay is not a contender to win the “Dance Off,” because they love him... Especially the males. Like DL DUDE:
He sent some simple message that I can no longer find, but it was definitely of the “hollar” variety. Then I found this on his “About Me”:
Wuz good myspace...um im really 17, I'M A BOTTOM..n im reall bullsh*t intolerant...i dont f*cc wit fakez...cuz im not...iText™...get at me for the number..my real page..or anything else
Clay gets hit on by underage men more than any 24 year old straight man on earth not wearing a dress in the Castro. He’s not homophobic, and neither am I, but we just can’t figure it out. Well, I think Clay may have had a heart attack when he saw the message from “LET IT RAIN ON ME”:
From: LET IT RAIN ON ME
Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:49 PM
yo wats gud thankx 4 da add u sexy ass hell ill let u hite it from da back and in any way u wnt it dats how sexy u are
I was drinking water while reading that message for the first time. I clearly had a gag reaction and spit all the water out of my mouth, barely dodging my laptop screen but dousing the food that was on the table next to me. I don’t even think any further commentary is necessary on that one. Just wow. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or overweight, that’s a lot to send a stranger over the internet.
The last thing Clay forwarded to me was just a photo that someone posted as a comment of his page that he thought was weird:
I think it’s weird too, Clay. I think it’s weird too.
Back to my messages. I got a male message too, although it had nothing to do with a sexual advance. It was from “Mattney.” He actually felt so compelled to say it that he posted the same comment TWICE.
"you is a fake ass gilbert arenas you dont even play in the nba...."
Oh man here we go again. It’s like how stupid do you have to be, guy? You come to my page, click on my photos, find a D-League photo and comment that on it? You must not have a life.
I looked at his page for a second and realized that he indeed, does not.
For starters, find a new pose, a new hat, and some new wallpaper. “You fake ass thug, you don’t even live in New York.”
This was his “About Me”:
ha namez Matthew or but i go by matt or mattney Im pretty much a chilled person and tymez i can be funny and crazy and i lyke to go to parties i also lyke hanging out with my friendz and im not fully white im mixed wit some things and god comes first in my life then my familia then my friendz cause they are wat keeps me goin everyday... my sports are track,football,and basketball,and im a junior at pearland highschool and i dislike drama so dont bring ur drama to me if u want to know more hit me wit a msg or a cmmt...
Secondly, Mr run-on-sentence, putting a Y instead of an I makes you lame. Claiming that you’re not fully white doesn’t justify the use weird abbreviations and writing on a keyboard like you’re texting you some other lame high schooler.
Lastly, if you dislike drama, don’t go on a grown man’s page, wearing that effing shirt (once again, see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall), during recess, if you REALLY have something better to do. Clearly you don’t. The end. Eat a fruit roll up and STFU.
I’ll leave you all with the first message that Prelle has sent to me. I think it’s TMRB worthy. You have to remember that Prelle was a model on the “Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” TV show for two seasons. Therefore, he does have quite a few fans. Here is the best fan message in my opinion. It was from “Rasheen”:
HEY
Body:
HEY CHRISTIAN ...
HOW ARE U DOING???
MY NAME IS RASHEEN P****...
IM 15 YEARS OF AGE...
I'm a freshman AT NEW WORLD SCHOOL OF THE ARTS..
IN MIAMI FL.
I MAJOR IN DANCE...
I LOVE YOU AND THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING SHOW...
I WONT TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL SOME DAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOU..
I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU SAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO MODEL WITH YOU SOME DAY..
WHEN I GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL....
SO CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOME TIPS TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL????
YOU CAN CALL ME MY NUMBER IS *** *** ****
OR YOU CAN E MAIL *****@BELLSOUTH. NET
Is this for real? Would he really do ANYTHING prelle said? Does he really want to be an underwear model at age 15? Did he really think Prelle would call him? I know he majors in dance, but do they teach English at that school too?
I guess it’s just the way an aspiring underwear model does things.
Until next time... The End.
It’s been quite a while since the last “Funny MySpace Messages” dropped, but that’s ok. I think you’ll find the same craziness here that you’re accustomed to finding in my MySpace inbox. In addition to my messages, I’ve got a couple of Clay’s and a even one of Prelle’s. Let’s do it.
I’ll start if off with a girl who was featured in the last installment. She, like so many others, just would NOT STOP with the messages. I just don’t understand why a person would keep sending messages over months and months. Well, “Irene a.k.a. ‘sex big mommy’” and I don’t see eye to eye on this because, in addition to the messages she sent me before, she sent me these as well:
No Subject
Body:
hello sup with you??
Then, 2 months later:
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
How many times can you say hello before someone wants to gag your face (see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)? The lack of interest on my part is clear. There is no answer, therefore there should be no more questions. It aint hard to see why:
Her makeup container is empty for a reason... it’s all on her FACE.
Anyway, the sexy big mommy was a little too much big mommy for me, but I do commend her for using an appropriate display name. One that described her as well as she believed it could. The next girl had a display name that I had to laugh at.
Meet “WARNING- U COULD FALL INLOVE”:
Hahaha no way did I read that name, then see this picture, then laugh so hard that tears came rolling down my face. I guess the laughter wasn’t all about the picture above,
or this picture,
or this picture.
It was a combination of all of that and the message I got:
Jun 24 2008 2:10 PM
whuts gd sweety....stoppin throu showin sum sexy luv wit chocolate over it....hope u return it
I had never been offered “sexy luv wit chocolate over it” before, but ,upon receiving my first taste, I realized that I COULD fall in love...
PSYCH!
Then there was “Nay Nay.”
“Nay Nay” sent me this:
Subject: Yo daddy
Body:
Can I be in your tops
The queen bitch
This is “Nay Nay”:
I’m just going to ask a series of questions and you can do your best to answer, because I have no clue.
1. Is she the queen of the Bitches?
2. What is she wearing, a sheet?
3. Does she have on matching socks?
4. Is she even a she?
5. What are these poses all about?
6. Seriously, these poses are kind of scary, right?
7. Who took these pictures?
8. Did the person who took the pictures approve of such poses?
9. A random cable cord??
10. What is this room? I’d guess laundry, but its too skinny. Seriously, the cable cord throws me way off.
11. Mop?
Thanks for your help.
I’ll take this time to showcase some of Clay’s strange MySpace stalkers. These people must not know that Clay is not a contender to win the “Dance Off,” because they love him... Especially the males. Like DL DUDE:
He sent some simple message that I can no longer find, but it was definitely of the “hollar” variety. Then I found this on his “About Me”:
Wuz good myspace...um im really 17, I'M A BOTTOM..n im reall bullsh*t intolerant...i dont f*cc wit fakez...cuz im not...iText™...get at me for the number..my real page..or anything else
Clay gets hit on by underage men more than any 24 year old straight man on earth not wearing a dress in the Castro. He’s not homophobic, and neither am I, but we just can’t figure it out. Well, I think Clay may have had a heart attack when he saw the message from “LET IT RAIN ON ME”:
From: LET IT RAIN ON ME
Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:49 PM
yo wats gud thankx 4 da add u sexy ass hell ill let u hite it from da back and in any way u wnt it dats how sexy u are
I was drinking water while reading that message for the first time. I clearly had a gag reaction and spit all the water out of my mouth, barely dodging my laptop screen but dousing the food that was on the table next to me. I don’t even think any further commentary is necessary on that one. Just wow. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or overweight, that’s a lot to send a stranger over the internet.
The last thing Clay forwarded to me was just a photo that someone posted as a comment of his page that he thought was weird:
I think it’s weird too, Clay. I think it’s weird too.
Back to my messages. I got a male message too, although it had nothing to do with a sexual advance. It was from “Mattney.” He actually felt so compelled to say it that he posted the same comment TWICE.
"you is a fake ass gilbert arenas you dont even play in the nba...."
Oh man here we go again. It’s like how stupid do you have to be, guy? You come to my page, click on my photos, find a D-League photo and comment that on it? You must not have a life.
I looked at his page for a second and realized that he indeed, does not.
For starters, find a new pose, a new hat, and some new wallpaper. “You fake ass thug, you don’t even live in New York.”
This was his “About Me”:
ha namez Matthew or but i go by matt or mattney Im pretty much a chilled person and tymez i can be funny and crazy and i lyke to go to parties i also lyke hanging out with my friendz and im not fully white im mixed wit some things and god comes first in my life then my familia then my friendz cause they are wat keeps me goin everyday... my sports are track,football,and basketball,and im a junior at pearland highschool and i dislike drama so dont bring ur drama to me if u want to know more hit me wit a msg or a cmmt...
Secondly, Mr run-on-sentence, putting a Y instead of an I makes you lame. Claiming that you’re not fully white doesn’t justify the use weird abbreviations and writing on a keyboard like you’re texting you some other lame high schooler.
Lastly, if you dislike drama, don’t go on a grown man’s page, wearing that effing shirt (once again, see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall), during recess, if you REALLY have something better to do. Clearly you don’t. The end. Eat a fruit roll up and STFU.
I’ll leave you all with the first message that Prelle has sent to me. I think it’s TMRB worthy. You have to remember that Prelle was a model on the “Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” TV show for two seasons. Therefore, he does have quite a few fans. Here is the best fan message in my opinion. It was from “Rasheen”:
HEY
Body:
HEY CHRISTIAN ...
HOW ARE U DOING???
MY NAME IS RASHEEN P****...
IM 15 YEARS OF AGE...
I'm a freshman AT NEW WORLD SCHOOL OF THE ARTS..
IN MIAMI FL.
I MAJOR IN DANCE...
I LOVE YOU AND THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING SHOW...
I WONT TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL SOME DAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOU..
I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU SAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO MODEL WITH YOU SOME DAY..
WHEN I GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL....
SO CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOME TIPS TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL????
YOU CAN CALL ME MY NUMBER IS *** *** ****
OR YOU CAN E MAIL *****@BELLSOUTH. NET
Is this for real? Would he really do ANYTHING prelle said? Does he really want to be an underwear model at age 15? Did he really think Prelle would call him? I know he majors in dance, but do they teach English at that school too?
I guess it’s just the way an aspiring underwear model does things.
Until next time... The End.
The Dance Off: JGant's Turn
October/15/2008 05:27 AM Filed in: Dance Off
If you haven’t checked out the first two installments of “The Dance Off,” it’s about time you did. I already know what you’re gonna say about JGant’s part though. It SUCKS. HE SUCKS. He is NOT the frontrunner by any means. With this performance, JGant has clearly left the door open for me to come in and dominate everyone.
JGants Dance Off vid from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
JGants Dance Off vid from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
Peer Pressure Drinking in France
September/12/2008 02:03 PM Filed in: France!
I left my crib and headed downtown (it’s like 4 minutes from my spot). There’s one restaurant that serves Italian food that I had already been to before with my teammates. The main server speaks good english, so she understands that I like my steak medium-well and not the usual purple-red bloody meat that is served out here. The owner is also a real nice guy who hands me the remote to the flat screen so I can change the channel. It’s a good thing.
After I left there, I went to a bar to meet my teammate. He never showed up. I ended up sitting there drinking some drink that consists of Stella, Cannes (which I think is sugar), and Absinthe. I had about five of those bad boys while waiting for my teammate to show up.
Finally, I got tired of waiting and I left. On my way back to the house, I walked past a bar that the owner of the Italian restaurant happened to be seated out of of. He was with a big group of people. He called me over and asked that I partake in some drinks with them. Who was I to say no?
I sat down with the big group. I guess it was the birthday of one of his friends. The owner must be like 50 years old, and the birthday boy was 25 on that day. The whole group was already pretty drunk. He ordered three whiskey and cokes. There was one for me, one for him, and one for the birthday boy.
He handed one to the birthday boy and told him to finish it immediately. I figured the kid would just sip it kinda fast, but it was a big drink and I doubt his ability to finish it so quickly. The older guy told the birthday boy to give him his hand. I was looking confused. The other people at the table seemed to already know what was about to transpire.
The friendly restaurant owner grabbed the birthday boys hand, and pulled out his index finger. He then put the birthday boys finger in his mouth and bit it. He bit that bad boy HARD. The birthday bay threw his drink back in a heartbeat. Mann it made my head spin it was so fast. As soon as the drink was finished, old guy released birthday boys finger. He then took his own drink and gave his hand to the birthday boy. Birthday boy bit the finger of 50+ year old man.
There was only one drink left on the table. Clearly it belonged to me and everyone looked at me like I had been informed of the rules, now it was time to play the game. I started shaking my head as I saw the teeth marks on the birthday boys finger. I told them I didn’t need my finger bitten to kill my drink. I kill drinks like lions kill gazelles.
The sweet old restaurant owner was suddenly not so sweet or old. He reached for my hand and I tucked it away. Suddenly, there were four people fighting for my hand -- a fight I could not win. Teeth plunged into my index finger and I knew that my only way out was to drink the drink. I took that bad boy like I was Frank The Tank. As soon as the glass was empty, my hand was once again mine.
The birthday boy ordered another round. I knew it would be a long night.
By 2am I was biting fingers like they were covered in McDonalds sweet and sour sauce. It ended up being kinda fun. I guess that could be the new way to get your boys to finish their drinks. Just bite their index fingers and see what happens. Tell em that a 50 year old restauranteur started it and that it’s your job to keep it going. That’s what I’ll be doing anyway.
After I left there, I went to a bar to meet my teammate. He never showed up. I ended up sitting there drinking some drink that consists of Stella, Cannes (which I think is sugar), and Absinthe. I had about five of those bad boys while waiting for my teammate to show up.
Finally, I got tired of waiting and I left. On my way back to the house, I walked past a bar that the owner of the Italian restaurant happened to be seated out of of. He was with a big group of people. He called me over and asked that I partake in some drinks with them. Who was I to say no?
I sat down with the big group. I guess it was the birthday of one of his friends. The owner must be like 50 years old, and the birthday boy was 25 on that day. The whole group was already pretty drunk. He ordered three whiskey and cokes. There was one for me, one for him, and one for the birthday boy.
He handed one to the birthday boy and told him to finish it immediately. I figured the kid would just sip it kinda fast, but it was a big drink and I doubt his ability to finish it so quickly. The older guy told the birthday boy to give him his hand. I was looking confused. The other people at the table seemed to already know what was about to transpire.
The friendly restaurant owner grabbed the birthday boys hand, and pulled out his index finger. He then put the birthday boys finger in his mouth and bit it. He bit that bad boy HARD. The birthday bay threw his drink back in a heartbeat. Mann it made my head spin it was so fast. As soon as the drink was finished, old guy released birthday boys finger. He then took his own drink and gave his hand to the birthday boy. Birthday boy bit the finger of 50+ year old man.
There was only one drink left on the table. Clearly it belonged to me and everyone looked at me like I had been informed of the rules, now it was time to play the game. I started shaking my head as I saw the teeth marks on the birthday boys finger. I told them I didn’t need my finger bitten to kill my drink. I kill drinks like lions kill gazelles.
The sweet old restaurant owner was suddenly not so sweet or old. He reached for my hand and I tucked it away. Suddenly, there were four people fighting for my hand -- a fight I could not win. Teeth plunged into my index finger and I knew that my only way out was to drink the drink. I took that bad boy like I was Frank The Tank. As soon as the glass was empty, my hand was once again mine.
The birthday boy ordered another round. I knew it would be a long night.
By 2am I was biting fingers like they were covered in McDonalds sweet and sour sauce. It ended up being kinda fun. I guess that could be the new way to get your boys to finish their drinks. Just bite their index fingers and see what happens. Tell em that a 50 year old restauranteur started it and that it’s your job to keep it going. That’s what I’ll be doing anyway.
One Last Vegas Story (The Best One)
September/12/2008 02:45 AM Filed in: Random
It was just one of those mornings. I knew that the night before had been spectacular because I woke up in my own bedroom and, for a split second, thought it wasn’t. It was a relief to know that I made it back to my hotel room and that my boys were there too. Well, actually, one of my boys, Elram, was there, the other, JGant, was nowhere to be found.
It was time for me and Elram to recount what happened the night before. I knew the story to a point. We all showed up at JET Nightclub hoping to get in, even though Elram didn’t have an I.D. I knew it’d be a tall order, but he wanted to go to the hottest club that night and not settle for the Palms.
Clearly they wanted no parts of him and his lack of identification, so we had to bounce. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to head back to the Palms, so that if he was denied again, I could just go right to bed. Elram and JGant had other plans. They wanted to stay and wait for this girl to pick them up so they could try to go to the HARD ROCK and sneak in. After a short argument, it was decided that I had to get back to Palms. They stayed and waited for the girl. That is when our nights went down different paths.
My night was simple. I went to Rain and consumed a lot of alcohol. I fell asleep in my bed. I was awakened by Elram at 6am. He came up to the bed and tapped me to wake me up. I looked at him and told him to go to bed. He said: “wait wait wait. Gabe Pruitt is such a nice dude.”
Confused, I told him to go to bed. That was where my night ended.
I was waiting for Elram to explain to me where the hell JGant was, when his phone rang. JGant was calling. Elram picked up and started talking, then he started laughing. I grabbed the phone from him.
“JGant man where are you?”
“I don’t know,” he answered me.
“Well, why don’t you look at a street sign or something.”
“I don’t see any street signs.”
“Jason, seriously go walk outside of wherever you are and look at a coddamn street sign!”
“Bro, I’m trynna tell you that there are no street signs. It looks like Afghanistan. All I see is dirt.”
I started laughing. I told him to get a cab or tell whatever girl he was with to get him home. There was nothing Elram and I could do. JGant ended up getting a ride and meeting us at the hotel McDonalds. It was time for them to tell me what exactly happened the night before.
JGant explained that they waited for that girl to pick them up while they drank at the lobby bar of the Mirage. The girl came to pick them up a while later and took them to the Hard Rock. From what I was told, she had a bottle of liquor in the car that she offered to JGant. He claims that there had to be roofies in the bottle because he requested to go back to the Palms a few minutes after arriving at the Hard Rock. He passed out in the car on the way and woke up in “Afghanistan,” in her bed. That’s where JGant’s story ends.
Elram arrived at the Hard Rock with one goal in mind: he wanted to sneak into Body English. He was hanging around the lobby, drinking, when a woman began to give him the eyes. He started talking to her, and, before he knew it, he was on the way up to her hotel room.
When he arrived at the hotel room, she put her key in and opened the door. As he began to walk in, he noticed someone down the hall walking in their direction. He didnt pay any mind. He let the door close behind him when he entered the room. Right before it closed, though, a hand pushed it back open and a guy walked into the room as well.
Elram whispered to the woman.
“Who the hell is this?”
She answered him at regular volume.
“Oh, that’s my husband. He likes to watch. Don’t mind him.”
Elram looked over at the guy, who was now seated in one of the chairs, legs crossed, watching SportsCenter. The woman started kissing Elram on his neck and attempting to unbuckle his pants. Elram was feeling uneasy because the guy was just staring right at him. Elram described the watchful husband as “all swole with hella tattoos.”
It became too much for Elram to handle. He got up and took off. He went back downstairs, had some more drinks and somehow, walked into Body English. When I say walked in, I mean that he didn’t sneak in. He just waltzed right in through the regular entrance.
After he was tired of dancing by himself, he decided it was time to head home. He went out front and hailed a cab. The cab driver suggested that Elram go to a strip club before heading home (we later found out that cab drivers in Vegas get paid by strip clubs for referrals). Elram, too drunk to use his better judgement, decided to go to take the taxi drivers advice and head to the strip club.
When he got to the club, he walked in and realized that he didn’t have any I.D., so they sent him right back out. He walked back to the cab. The cab driver suggested ANOTHER strip club. Elram went. Elram went into and was denied from 5 strip clubs, not realizing that his lack of I.D. would keep him from being able to enter.
Finally the cab driver told Elram that he knew of a place better than any strip club. Elram ended up at some place called “The Redroom.” He walked in and there was one beautiful woman sitting there behind a desk. Behind the desk was a long hallway.
“What is this place?” He asked curiously.
“Here at the Redroom we offer full relaxation,” the woman answered.
“I’m sorry, but what exactly does that mean?”
“It means that we offer full relaxation.”
Elram, wanting to explore further, rephrased his question.
“Different people have different opinions on what fully relaxed is. Can you be more specific?”
“Specifically, when you leave here you’ll be fully relaxed,” she answered once again.
Elram left. He got back into the cab and FINALLY got back to the Palms. He paid his cab the $70 fare for driving him all over the city and walked back into the hotel. He walked over to McDonalds and, while waiting in line, struck up a conversation with Gabe Pruitt (Celtics guard). After all of that, he walked back to the room, woke me up, and told me how nice Gabe Pruitt was.
It was time for me and Elram to recount what happened the night before. I knew the story to a point. We all showed up at JET Nightclub hoping to get in, even though Elram didn’t have an I.D. I knew it’d be a tall order, but he wanted to go to the hottest club that night and not settle for the Palms.
Clearly they wanted no parts of him and his lack of identification, so we had to bounce. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to head back to the Palms, so that if he was denied again, I could just go right to bed. Elram and JGant had other plans. They wanted to stay and wait for this girl to pick them up so they could try to go to the HARD ROCK and sneak in. After a short argument, it was decided that I had to get back to Palms. They stayed and waited for the girl. That is when our nights went down different paths.
My night was simple. I went to Rain and consumed a lot of alcohol. I fell asleep in my bed. I was awakened by Elram at 6am. He came up to the bed and tapped me to wake me up. I looked at him and told him to go to bed. He said: “wait wait wait. Gabe Pruitt is such a nice dude.”
Confused, I told him to go to bed. That was where my night ended.
I was waiting for Elram to explain to me where the hell JGant was, when his phone rang. JGant was calling. Elram picked up and started talking, then he started laughing. I grabbed the phone from him.
“JGant man where are you?”
“I don’t know,” he answered me.
“Well, why don’t you look at a street sign or something.”
“I don’t see any street signs.”
“Jason, seriously go walk outside of wherever you are and look at a coddamn street sign!”
“Bro, I’m trynna tell you that there are no street signs. It looks like Afghanistan. All I see is dirt.”
I started laughing. I told him to get a cab or tell whatever girl he was with to get him home. There was nothing Elram and I could do. JGant ended up getting a ride and meeting us at the hotel McDonalds. It was time for them to tell me what exactly happened the night before.
JGant explained that they waited for that girl to pick them up while they drank at the lobby bar of the Mirage. The girl came to pick them up a while later and took them to the Hard Rock. From what I was told, she had a bottle of liquor in the car that she offered to JGant. He claims that there had to be roofies in the bottle because he requested to go back to the Palms a few minutes after arriving at the Hard Rock. He passed out in the car on the way and woke up in “Afghanistan,” in her bed. That’s where JGant’s story ends.
Elram arrived at the Hard Rock with one goal in mind: he wanted to sneak into Body English. He was hanging around the lobby, drinking, when a woman began to give him the eyes. He started talking to her, and, before he knew it, he was on the way up to her hotel room.
When he arrived at the hotel room, she put her key in and opened the door. As he began to walk in, he noticed someone down the hall walking in their direction. He didnt pay any mind. He let the door close behind him when he entered the room. Right before it closed, though, a hand pushed it back open and a guy walked into the room as well.
Elram whispered to the woman.
“Who the hell is this?”
She answered him at regular volume.
“Oh, that’s my husband. He likes to watch. Don’t mind him.”
Elram looked over at the guy, who was now seated in one of the chairs, legs crossed, watching SportsCenter. The woman started kissing Elram on his neck and attempting to unbuckle his pants. Elram was feeling uneasy because the guy was just staring right at him. Elram described the watchful husband as “all swole with hella tattoos.”
It became too much for Elram to handle. He got up and took off. He went back downstairs, had some more drinks and somehow, walked into Body English. When I say walked in, I mean that he didn’t sneak in. He just waltzed right in through the regular entrance.
After he was tired of dancing by himself, he decided it was time to head home. He went out front and hailed a cab. The cab driver suggested that Elram go to a strip club before heading home (we later found out that cab drivers in Vegas get paid by strip clubs for referrals). Elram, too drunk to use his better judgement, decided to go to take the taxi drivers advice and head to the strip club.
When he got to the club, he walked in and realized that he didn’t have any I.D., so they sent him right back out. He walked back to the cab. The cab driver suggested ANOTHER strip club. Elram went. Elram went into and was denied from 5 strip clubs, not realizing that his lack of I.D. would keep him from being able to enter.
Finally the cab driver told Elram that he knew of a place better than any strip club. Elram ended up at some place called “The Redroom.” He walked in and there was one beautiful woman sitting there behind a desk. Behind the desk was a long hallway.
“What is this place?” He asked curiously.
“Here at the Redroom we offer full relaxation,” the woman answered.
“I’m sorry, but what exactly does that mean?”
“It means that we offer full relaxation.”
Elram, wanting to explore further, rephrased his question.
“Different people have different opinions on what fully relaxed is. Can you be more specific?”
“Specifically, when you leave here you’ll be fully relaxed,” she answered once again.
Elram left. He got back into the cab and FINALLY got back to the Palms. He paid his cab the $70 fare for driving him all over the city and walked back into the hotel. He walked over to McDonalds and, while waiting in line, struck up a conversation with Gabe Pruitt (Celtics guard). After all of that, he walked back to the room, woke me up, and told me how nice Gabe Pruitt was.
Rubber Ducky Escape!
August/20/2008 09:39 PM Filed in: Random
After our early scrimmage on the Tuesday of Summer League, Joel Bosh (Chris Bosh’s brother), CJ Giles, Elram, and I were looking for something to do for the night since we had a day off the next day. At around 5pm, CJ hit me up and let me know that was going on. He mentioned to me that there was “Rubber Ducky” pool party going on that night and that we should go check out how much a cabana would cost us.
We all went down there to check it out at about 6. There were people all over who were setting up the cabana’s and filling to pool with the signature rubber duckies. We first went over to the pool and grabbed all the rubber duckies we could that were marked “free drink.” We must have left with about 25 free drink duckies, but before we did, our cabana host showed us which cabana would be ours. he set us up with one at the very back of the pool where we would be right next to a bar. Boom. He told us that each bottle would run about $400, but that he could kick us another one under the table for half off. Basically, we would be set. I was excited.
We headed back down to the pool around 9pm and it was already crackin. We went back to our cabana and got the party started. The problem with the situation was that somebody invited these girls into our cabana (nothin wrong with that, usually) who proceeded to destroy our entire $400 bottle and half our ducky supply. Coddamit.
I began to worry about our drink supply when all of a sudden, the guy who had promised us an under-the-table bottle of Grey Goose, showed up with what looked like a water carafe, but was actually filled with the promised Goose. Nobody knew what was in there except us guys who had reserved the cabana. We all enjoyed the disguised alcohol without the outside consumption and had a great time at the party.
The party was designed to really be an early-night party, ending at midnight so that people could shower and head out to the real club for the night, so while I was lolligagging, the rest of the gang paid for the alcohol, asked if I was cool to catch up, and left. Of course I was cool to catch up. They left and I stayed back a few minutes onger.
Right before I was ready to leave, they guy who hooked us up walked over to me and asked if I was planning on paying for the alcohol. I told him that it had already been paid, that I had watched the other guys sign the credit card receipt.
He told me that they had paid for the official bill, but they had failed to give him the cash required for the under-the-table liquor that he cant ring up in the computer. I, being the brokest one of my whole crew, was not about to fork over $200 cash (clearly I didnt even have that much cash on me). I told the guy that I would call everyone else and work it out.
I picked up the Blackberry and called up the guys.
“Yo, put me on speaker,” I told CJ, “Man what the hell? Did you guys leave me here with this bill?”
Their answer seemed to be collective.
“We told you to come on! It was under-the-table, why would we pay for it?”
I panicked and hung up the phone. It now became clear that I had to plan my escape. I looked up and around and could not see the guy anywhere. I decided I would just get up and do my best to be inconspicuous (a tall order for a tall guy). I scope the exit, and slowly started to walk towards it. Each step I took seemed to be so calculated. Was I walking too slow? Too fast? Was I looking like I had something to hide? Did I look too nonchelant?
All these thoughts were swirling through my head even though I had only taken about 5 of the 150 steps it would take to escape. You must understand that the pool was huge and the exit was clear on the opposite side of my cabana.
I took a couple more steps when I realized that the guy was walking 4 steps in front of me, the same pace as me, with his back to me.
I saw him look over his left shoulder. I ducked right. He then looked over his right shoulder. I ducked left. All of this happened as we continued to walk. I just needed time to think and I was starting to believe that that time would not come.
As we finally hooked the left to go to the home stretch, I had an idea. I figured I would enter the restaurant because there was a direct entrance to the restaurant from the pool. The restaurant must have another exit to the lobby of the Palms Place hotel and thus an exit to the parking lot and back to the Palms.
The guy kept it moving right past the path to the restaurant while I took a left, keeping the same pace, heading to what appeared to be the promised land. But, right when I hooked that left, as if he had been in this situation many times before, the guy took off running toward the exit. Right then I realized that he was going to go cut me off at the resturant exit, which must also be in position to see the regular Palms Place exit.
I turned right back around, this time not looking back or worried about pace and walked right back in the direction I had come from.
The guy must’ve still been indoors as I turned the right, nearly tripping over people and duckies on my way all the way back past our cabana. I remembered that there was an emergency exit on the side of the building that I accidentally discovered earlier while searching for the bathroom. I hightailed it over there.
I barrelled through the “alarm will sound” labeled doors and didnt look back. They led out to the street, but in the middle of a ton of bushes. I stayed low, hunching over and wading through the bushes down Flamingo Street, all the way back to the Palms.
When I finally got back I celebrated, met up with the guys and went into Moon. It couldnt have turned out better. Boom.
We all went down there to check it out at about 6. There were people all over who were setting up the cabana’s and filling to pool with the signature rubber duckies. We first went over to the pool and grabbed all the rubber duckies we could that were marked “free drink.” We must have left with about 25 free drink duckies, but before we did, our cabana host showed us which cabana would be ours. he set us up with one at the very back of the pool where we would be right next to a bar. Boom. He told us that each bottle would run about $400, but that he could kick us another one under the table for half off. Basically, we would be set. I was excited.
We headed back down to the pool around 9pm and it was already crackin. We went back to our cabana and got the party started. The problem with the situation was that somebody invited these girls into our cabana (nothin wrong with that, usually) who proceeded to destroy our entire $400 bottle and half our ducky supply. Coddamit.
I began to worry about our drink supply when all of a sudden, the guy who had promised us an under-the-table bottle of Grey Goose, showed up with what looked like a water carafe, but was actually filled with the promised Goose. Nobody knew what was in there except us guys who had reserved the cabana. We all enjoyed the disguised alcohol without the outside consumption and had a great time at the party.
The party was designed to really be an early-night party, ending at midnight so that people could shower and head out to the real club for the night, so while I was lolligagging, the rest of the gang paid for the alcohol, asked if I was cool to catch up, and left. Of course I was cool to catch up. They left and I stayed back a few minutes onger.
Right before I was ready to leave, they guy who hooked us up walked over to me and asked if I was planning on paying for the alcohol. I told him that it had already been paid, that I had watched the other guys sign the credit card receipt.
He told me that they had paid for the official bill, but they had failed to give him the cash required for the under-the-table liquor that he cant ring up in the computer. I, being the brokest one of my whole crew, was not about to fork over $200 cash (clearly I didnt even have that much cash on me). I told the guy that I would call everyone else and work it out.
I picked up the Blackberry and called up the guys.
“Yo, put me on speaker,” I told CJ, “Man what the hell? Did you guys leave me here with this bill?”
Their answer seemed to be collective.
“We told you to come on! It was under-the-table, why would we pay for it?”
I panicked and hung up the phone. It now became clear that I had to plan my escape. I looked up and around and could not see the guy anywhere. I decided I would just get up and do my best to be inconspicuous (a tall order for a tall guy). I scope the exit, and slowly started to walk towards it. Each step I took seemed to be so calculated. Was I walking too slow? Too fast? Was I looking like I had something to hide? Did I look too nonchelant?
All these thoughts were swirling through my head even though I had only taken about 5 of the 150 steps it would take to escape. You must understand that the pool was huge and the exit was clear on the opposite side of my cabana.
I took a couple more steps when I realized that the guy was walking 4 steps in front of me, the same pace as me, with his back to me.
I saw him look over his left shoulder. I ducked right. He then looked over his right shoulder. I ducked left. All of this happened as we continued to walk. I just needed time to think and I was starting to believe that that time would not come.
As we finally hooked the left to go to the home stretch, I had an idea. I figured I would enter the restaurant because there was a direct entrance to the restaurant from the pool. The restaurant must have another exit to the lobby of the Palms Place hotel and thus an exit to the parking lot and back to the Palms.
The guy kept it moving right past the path to the restaurant while I took a left, keeping the same pace, heading to what appeared to be the promised land. But, right when I hooked that left, as if he had been in this situation many times before, the guy took off running toward the exit. Right then I realized that he was going to go cut me off at the resturant exit, which must also be in position to see the regular Palms Place exit.
I turned right back around, this time not looking back or worried about pace and walked right back in the direction I had come from.
The guy must’ve still been indoors as I turned the right, nearly tripping over people and duckies on my way all the way back past our cabana. I remembered that there was an emergency exit on the side of the building that I accidentally discovered earlier while searching for the bathroom. I hightailed it over there.
I barrelled through the “alarm will sound” labeled doors and didnt look back. They led out to the street, but in the middle of a ton of bushes. I stayed low, hunching over and wading through the bushes down Flamingo Street, all the way back to the Palms.
When I finally got back I celebrated, met up with the guys and went into Moon. It couldnt have turned out better. Boom.
How to Sneak Into Ghostbar (And Get Your Legs Broke!)
August/19/2008 08:01 PM Filed in: Random
A month ago I wrote a story about how simple and easy it is to sneak into Body English nightclub in Las Vegas. Well, as it turns out, there is another Vegas hotspot that is nearly as easy to sneak into called “Ghostbar” at the Palms.
So while I was in Vegas for the summer league, it became apparent that Ghostbar was the best place to go because I was staying in the Palms and it was located on the top floor of the same tower that I was staying in. Essentially, I could head up there at 9 and be in bed by 11 if I felt like it. It was the perfect spot.
During my two weeks in Vegas one of my fellow Boom Tho Originator’s, Elram, came out to stay with me for a number of days. It was all good except for the fact that Elram isn’t 21 and his fake I.D. was confiscated the first day he got to Vegas. This presented many problems. He had asipirations of partying at all the big clubs, but since I wanted to be in bed early and he didnt have an I.D., we tried to get him into Ghostbar.
JGant was also visiting and I informed them both that I had been let into Ghostbar for free and without being carded before. I felt that it would be easy for them to just get right in. They agreed and Ghostbar became our destination for the night.
When we walked up to the Bouncer, he told the cashier that we should be able to get in free. Excellent. Almost there. Right before we were let in a second bouncer started checking ID’s. I showed mine and kept it moving, JGant also showed his ID and got in. The cashier drew up the reciept with the number 2 on it, signifying that there were two of us who were to be let it. She handed it to me and told me to hand it to the guy at the door. I knew that Elram would get turned back and that JGant would stay back with him.
It was then that I realized how easy it would be to sneak in. See (pay attention here if you ever want to sneak right in), Ghostbar, as I said before, is located on the top floor of the tower with the hotel rooms, but the bouncers who check ID and hand out the receipts, are all downstairs on the lobby level. After the woman hands you the receipt, you walk back to the elevators and press the 55th floor button marked “Ghostbar.” When you get to the top, there is a bouncer waiting there to check your receipt and see how many people are supposed to be with you, because anybodywith a suite has to board that elevator to reach their room.
So, I called JGant and Elram and told them to get on the Elevator with me anyway. The three of us got on with a reciept marked for two. There were other people on the elevator who were also heading to ghostbar, so I kind of had to unveil my plan in front of them, no matter. I explained that JGant and Elram should use the receipt marked “2” and that I would get off on the 52nd floor and go back down. Since they don’t card at the top, Elram should be good. They agreed and went up. I sat on the 52nd floor for a minute before recieving a text from JGant saying that it worked and they were in. I then went back to the lobby and to the bouncer, explaining that I had to go back to my room real quick. The cashier gave me a new reciept with the number 1 on it and I used it to get in. Boom. Just that simple.
Me, Elram, and JGant in Ghostbar.
Now, we did this trick for a few days in a row with perfect execition. On day 3, on our way into the elevator to head up to Ghostbar, one of the gaurds asked Elram what floor he was going to (since the knew he didnt have a receipt. Elram answered confidently “54.” As the door of the elevator closed, you could see the guard reaching for his radio.
When the doors were closed, I yelled out loud in front of the other 12 people in the elevator, “You idiot! Tell me what floors are up here!”
Elram looked at the floor buttons. There was 51, 52, 53, and 55. For some odd reason this hotel doesnt’t have a 54. Dammit, I thought, that was a crucial mistake.
An hour and a half later, we were in Ghostbar just chillin. We were kind of off too the side while Elram was talking to some nice young ladies. Elrams mistake hadn’t proven coastly. We were having a great time. We walked back into the main bar area and Elram handed his drink to Joel Bosh, who was also with us, and said “make sure you drink this. We can’t let it go to waste bro.”
I asked Elram why he just gave up his drink. He responded with “they figured me out. They know I’m not 21.”
I told Elram he was being paranoid. There was no way they could figure that out, and if they somehow had, I could see every bouncer there (power of height), and none of them were looking at Elram and I. I turned around to tell Joel to give Elram back his drink and tell him he was trippin. When I turned back around, four bouncers had grabbed Elram and had already almost whisked him away. I saw Elram look back at me with fear in his eyes as they walked him out of my view.
Joel, respecting what seemed to be Elrams last words, began to drink the drink. I stood there with a confused look on my face. I tried to call Elram four times. There were no answers on the first three calls. On call four he picked up, but I couldn’t make out his words. It was like a bad Verizon commerical. I started to get worried. All I heard him say was “I’m in the kitchen surrounded by 7 big ass dudes.”
Now everyone was in a bit of a panic. We’ve all seen the movies and in those movies this situation always ends with someone gettin their legs broke. I couldn’t afford to have broke legs on my conscience. Another friend of mine tried to break into the kitchen to see if Elram was in there. She pretended to just be too drunk to know where the bathroom was, but when she was in there, she couldnt see him anywhere.
We all left Ghostbar with many questions and no answers. We started back up to my hotel room. When we got off the elevator on my floor, there was Elram standing with one security guard. Elram didnt look hurt. Elram noticed us and yelled out “There they are! I told you!” The guard let Elram come with us. I told the guard that I thought Elrams legs were bout to come back broke. The guard responded “we don’t do that stuff anymore.”
We settled down in the room and I asked Elram what happened. He said that he saw the guards eyeing him while he was still in the Ghostbar and he noticed them talking into radios. When one of them apporached him, he handed off his drink and told me they had him. Sooner after that, he was surrounded in the kitched. They kept asking him what his name was and how he got in without an I.D. Elram, being resourceful, took his wallet out of his back pocket and tucked it under his armpit, so that they couldn’t get his info from his real ID. The questions continued. Elram never backed down, and never told them anything. Instead of breaking his legs, they let him go. That was it.
Elram’s Ghostbar run came to an end that day, luckily, it was also his last day out there so it didn’t really matter. Moral of the story, you can sneak into Ghostbar, just know that THE 54TH FLOOR DOES NOT EXIST!
So while I was in Vegas for the summer league, it became apparent that Ghostbar was the best place to go because I was staying in the Palms and it was located on the top floor of the same tower that I was staying in. Essentially, I could head up there at 9 and be in bed by 11 if I felt like it. It was the perfect spot.
During my two weeks in Vegas one of my fellow Boom Tho Originator’s, Elram, came out to stay with me for a number of days. It was all good except for the fact that Elram isn’t 21 and his fake I.D. was confiscated the first day he got to Vegas. This presented many problems. He had asipirations of partying at all the big clubs, but since I wanted to be in bed early and he didnt have an I.D., we tried to get him into Ghostbar.
JGant was also visiting and I informed them both that I had been let into Ghostbar for free and without being carded before. I felt that it would be easy for them to just get right in. They agreed and Ghostbar became our destination for the night.
When we walked up to the Bouncer, he told the cashier that we should be able to get in free. Excellent. Almost there. Right before we were let in a second bouncer started checking ID’s. I showed mine and kept it moving, JGant also showed his ID and got in. The cashier drew up the reciept with the number 2 on it, signifying that there were two of us who were to be let it. She handed it to me and told me to hand it to the guy at the door. I knew that Elram would get turned back and that JGant would stay back with him.
It was then that I realized how easy it would be to sneak in. See (pay attention here if you ever want to sneak right in), Ghostbar, as I said before, is located on the top floor of the tower with the hotel rooms, but the bouncers who check ID and hand out the receipts, are all downstairs on the lobby level. After the woman hands you the receipt, you walk back to the elevators and press the 55th floor button marked “Ghostbar.” When you get to the top, there is a bouncer waiting there to check your receipt and see how many people are supposed to be with you, because anybodywith a suite has to board that elevator to reach their room.
So, I called JGant and Elram and told them to get on the Elevator with me anyway. The three of us got on with a reciept marked for two. There were other people on the elevator who were also heading to ghostbar, so I kind of had to unveil my plan in front of them, no matter. I explained that JGant and Elram should use the receipt marked “2” and that I would get off on the 52nd floor and go back down. Since they don’t card at the top, Elram should be good. They agreed and went up. I sat on the 52nd floor for a minute before recieving a text from JGant saying that it worked and they were in. I then went back to the lobby and to the bouncer, explaining that I had to go back to my room real quick. The cashier gave me a new reciept with the number 1 on it and I used it to get in. Boom. Just that simple.
Me, Elram, and JGant in Ghostbar.
Now, we did this trick for a few days in a row with perfect execition. On day 3, on our way into the elevator to head up to Ghostbar, one of the gaurds asked Elram what floor he was going to (since the knew he didnt have a receipt. Elram answered confidently “54.” As the door of the elevator closed, you could see the guard reaching for his radio.
When the doors were closed, I yelled out loud in front of the other 12 people in the elevator, “You idiot! Tell me what floors are up here!”
Elram looked at the floor buttons. There was 51, 52, 53, and 55. For some odd reason this hotel doesnt’t have a 54. Dammit, I thought, that was a crucial mistake.
An hour and a half later, we were in Ghostbar just chillin. We were kind of off too the side while Elram was talking to some nice young ladies. Elrams mistake hadn’t proven coastly. We were having a great time. We walked back into the main bar area and Elram handed his drink to Joel Bosh, who was also with us, and said “make sure you drink this. We can’t let it go to waste bro.”
I asked Elram why he just gave up his drink. He responded with “they figured me out. They know I’m not 21.”
I told Elram he was being paranoid. There was no way they could figure that out, and if they somehow had, I could see every bouncer there (power of height), and none of them were looking at Elram and I. I turned around to tell Joel to give Elram back his drink and tell him he was trippin. When I turned back around, four bouncers had grabbed Elram and had already almost whisked him away. I saw Elram look back at me with fear in his eyes as they walked him out of my view.
Joel, respecting what seemed to be Elrams last words, began to drink the drink. I stood there with a confused look on my face. I tried to call Elram four times. There were no answers on the first three calls. On call four he picked up, but I couldn’t make out his words. It was like a bad Verizon commerical. I started to get worried. All I heard him say was “I’m in the kitchen surrounded by 7 big ass dudes.”
Now everyone was in a bit of a panic. We’ve all seen the movies and in those movies this situation always ends with someone gettin their legs broke. I couldn’t afford to have broke legs on my conscience. Another friend of mine tried to break into the kitchen to see if Elram was in there. She pretended to just be too drunk to know where the bathroom was, but when she was in there, she couldnt see him anywhere.
We all left Ghostbar with many questions and no answers. We started back up to my hotel room. When we got off the elevator on my floor, there was Elram standing with one security guard. Elram didnt look hurt. Elram noticed us and yelled out “There they are! I told you!” The guard let Elram come with us. I told the guard that I thought Elrams legs were bout to come back broke. The guard responded “we don’t do that stuff anymore.”
We settled down in the room and I asked Elram what happened. He said that he saw the guards eyeing him while he was still in the Ghostbar and he noticed them talking into radios. When one of them apporached him, he handed off his drink and told me they had him. Sooner after that, he was surrounded in the kitched. They kept asking him what his name was and how he got in without an I.D. Elram, being resourceful, took his wallet out of his back pocket and tucked it under his armpit, so that they couldn’t get his info from his real ID. The questions continued. Elram never backed down, and never told them anything. Instead of breaking his legs, they let him go. That was it.
Elram’s Ghostbar run came to an end that day, luckily, it was also his last day out there so it didn’t really matter. Moral of the story, you can sneak into Ghostbar, just know that THE 54TH FLOOR DOES NOT EXIST!
Aubrey Sings Maxwell
August/19/2008 07:54 PM Filed in: Random
Aubrey gives us another look at his talents, this time in vocal form to the tune of Maxwell.
Aubrey Sings Maxwell from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
Aubrey Sings Maxwell from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
The Dance Off: Aubreys Turn
August/03/2008 07:28 PM Filed in: Dance Off
First of all, if you haven’t seen “The Dance Off,” go back and check it out first.
Now, there has been a bit of tension around these parts lately. See, Clay has been a little touched (if you couldnt tell by his comments on his “dance off” vid) about the response to his video. But hey, he knew the rules of the game when he entered it.
Part of Clay’s “Dance Off” related sulking has included his refusal to watch the video that you are about to watch. He has yet to see Aubrey’s video. I’ve seen it. It’s great. You have to pay attention to this one a little more. The entire first minute is Aubrey trying to get ready and in my opinion, it’s the funniest thing ever. Anyway, I’ll let you be the judge. Here it is:
Aubrey Enters the Dance Off from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
Rememeber, I’ll have a vote at the end of 4 weeks to determine who is the best.
Now, there has been a bit of tension around these parts lately. See, Clay has been a little touched (if you couldnt tell by his comments on his “dance off” vid) about the response to his video. But hey, he knew the rules of the game when he entered it.
Part of Clay’s “Dance Off” related sulking has included his refusal to watch the video that you are about to watch. He has yet to see Aubrey’s video. I’ve seen it. It’s great. You have to pay attention to this one a little more. The entire first minute is Aubrey trying to get ready and in my opinion, it’s the funniest thing ever. Anyway, I’ll let you be the judge. Here it is:
Aubrey Enters the Dance Off from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
Rememeber, I’ll have a vote at the end of 4 weeks to determine who is the best.
BTGOM: July
July/31/2008 11:06 AM Filed in: BTGOM
So I have recieved yet another self nomination for BTGOM. She actually sent messages to both my MySpace and Facebook, which under different circumstances, might qualify her for a slot in “Funny MySpace Messages” (look for a new installment soon). Instead, I was intorduced to a smart, motivated, woman with a high degree of boom-tho-ness and an even higher degree of proactivity. Oh yea, and she’s easy on the eyes. Verrry easy.
I’ll just tell you what she told me and you can read why I felt comfortable naming her BTGOM: July:
“Hey Rod,
I'm sure you get flooded with all kinds of crazy messages (actually, I know you do because I'm a loyal reader of your hilarious blog), but I figured I'd take a shot in the dark and contact you.
My name is Jordan, I'm 21, I go to Syracuse University, I like long walks on the beach and bubble baths, yadda yadda yadda... Point of this message: I am an intern with MTV News this summer (the hip hop department), and it's been the most incredible experience ever. I've met some pretty amazing people, and gained some amazing insight to this crazy industry that I hope to one day enter.
ANYWAYS... There's an opportunity that's been presented to all interns to promote this year's VMA's. The grand prize is to report live from the red carpet. Clearly I want to be on that damn carpet, haha. They want us to come up with creative and fun ways to promote the VMA's, and I know you're extremely creative and fun (based on what I've seen/read).
I guess I'm nominating myself for Boom Girl?! I'm going to start a YouTube channel and release exclusive info about the VMA's on them, and the more hits the better. If in any way you could lend your services and provide your fans access to me, I would be forever grateful! Hell, if I end up on that red carpet, I'll take you as my date! I realize how busy you are, so no hard feelings if you can't do anything, but it was worth a try, right?
Anyways, thanks for being so funny, love your blog and have gotten all my friends addicted now too. :)
With all the boom tho i can muster,
Jordan
Here are some of my articles, just so you know I'm for real :)
http://newsroom.mtv.com/20
08/06/23/ice-t-vs-soulja-b
oy-tellem-video-blog-beef-
heats-up-kanye-weighs-in/
http://newsroom.mtv.com/20
08/06/25/ne-yo-says-his-a-
milli-freestyle-is-not-aim
ed-at-chris-brown/
http://www.mtv.com/news/ar
ticles/1590795/20080711/yu
ng_berg.jhtml?rsspartner=r
ssColdFusion
“
SO at the end of the day, I can help a hot girl help herself on her way to her goals. If only there was a way she could get me a contract, then we’d truly be even. Although, if she does win the right to host the VMA’s, and she actually did ttake me as her date, it would be the biggest victory that Boom Tho has had to this point. Let’s make it happen!
So, withouy further adieu, I introduce the BTGOM for July 2008, Jordan Upmalis:
Go ahead and google her, add her on facebook, or myspace, do whatever it takes to get her, ahem, and me, to the VMA’s! Boom!
I’ll just tell you what she told me and you can read why I felt comfortable naming her BTGOM: July:
“Hey Rod,
I'm sure you get flooded with all kinds of crazy messages (actually, I know you do because I'm a loyal reader of your hilarious blog), but I figured I'd take a shot in the dark and contact you.
My name is Jordan, I'm 21, I go to Syracuse University, I like long walks on the beach and bubble baths, yadda yadda yadda... Point of this message: I am an intern with MTV News this summer (the hip hop department), and it's been the most incredible experience ever. I've met some pretty amazing people, and gained some amazing insight to this crazy industry that I hope to one day enter.
ANYWAYS... There's an opportunity that's been presented to all interns to promote this year's VMA's. The grand prize is to report live from the red carpet. Clearly I want to be on that damn carpet, haha. They want us to come up with creative and fun ways to promote the VMA's, and I know you're extremely creative and fun (based on what I've seen/read).
I guess I'm nominating myself for Boom Girl?! I'm going to start a YouTube channel and release exclusive info about the VMA's on them, and the more hits the better. If in any way you could lend your services and provide your fans access to me, I would be forever grateful! Hell, if I end up on that red carpet, I'll take you as my date! I realize how busy you are, so no hard feelings if you can't do anything, but it was worth a try, right?
Anyways, thanks for being so funny, love your blog and have gotten all my friends addicted now too. :)
With all the boom tho i can muster,
Jordan
Here are some of my articles, just so you know I'm for real :)
http://newsroom.mtv.com/20
08/06/23/ice-t-vs-soulja-b
oy-tellem-video-blog-beef-
heats-up-kanye-weighs-in/
http://newsroom.mtv.com/20
08/06/25/ne-yo-says-his-a-
milli-freestyle-is-not-aim
ed-at-chris-brown/
http://www.mtv.com/news/ar
ticles/1590795/20080711/yu
ng_berg.jhtml?rsspartner=r
ssColdFusion
“
SO at the end of the day, I can help a hot girl help herself on her way to her goals. If only there was a way she could get me a contract, then we’d truly be even. Although, if she does win the right to host the VMA’s, and she actually did ttake me as her date, it would be the biggest victory that Boom Tho has had to this point. Let’s make it happen!
So, withouy further adieu, I introduce the BTGOM for July 2008, Jordan Upmalis:
Go ahead and google her, add her on facebook, or myspace, do whatever it takes to get her, ahem, and me, to the VMA’s! Boom!
The Dance Off
July/24/2008 09:50 AM Filed in: Dance Off
A few weeks back, my boy Clayton, a couple of his co-workers and I wer having dinner in SF. Clayton works for a start-up video sharing website called “Howcast.com.” Anyway, I guess that being the only black guy there instantly shufles him to the top of most socially cool catagories.
I’m not sure how it came up, but one of his co-workers was talking about how great Clayton is at dancing. They all go out sometimes and Clayton hold down the dance floor while they all sit around and watch him work his moves. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when they were praising him as an honorable mention Jabawakee.
“Clay’s not a bad dancer,” I told them, “but he’s not exactly as tight as you’re making him sound.”
“When we go out, he has all the moves,” they informed me.
Clay was sitting there the whole time. You could tell he was ready to say something, but he was just acknowledging their words so far.
“In your group he may be at the top of the list, but in my group he’s like the third best,” I said.
That’s when he snapped. Clay made it a point to say that he was clearly the best in the group. I told him that he was for sure not better than JGant (I took myself out of it, but clearly I’m better too). I also told him that his “break-off-a-breezy” abilities are top notch, but his solo moves are what place him at #3. Clay took real offense to that.
We spent the next hour arguing, with his co-workers mocking input, over where he fell in the ranks of our group. Clay feels that I’m too tall to look right when dancing. He feels that JGant only has one real move, and is not a good break-off artist.
So, that night he just started dancing. I busted out the camera and I realized what was about to transpire. We now have a multi-person, two round, you-decided-the-winner, dance off. Each week I’ll post the video of a contestant or two and at the end of 4 weeks, Ill take a vote to crown the dance off champion. As of right now, the contestants are Clay, JGant, Aubrey (be prepared to die laughing), and myself.
Let’s kick it off right with Clayty Clays dance off video:
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
I’m not sure how it came up, but one of his co-workers was talking about how great Clayton is at dancing. They all go out sometimes and Clayton hold down the dance floor while they all sit around and watch him work his moves. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when they were praising him as an honorable mention Jabawakee.
“Clay’s not a bad dancer,” I told them, “but he’s not exactly as tight as you’re making him sound.”
“When we go out, he has all the moves,” they informed me.
Clay was sitting there the whole time. You could tell he was ready to say something, but he was just acknowledging their words so far.
“In your group he may be at the top of the list, but in my group he’s like the third best,” I said.
That’s when he snapped. Clay made it a point to say that he was clearly the best in the group. I told him that he was for sure not better than JGant (I took myself out of it, but clearly I’m better too). I also told him that his “break-off-a-breezy” abilities are top notch, but his solo moves are what place him at #3. Clay took real offense to that.
We spent the next hour arguing, with his co-workers mocking input, over where he fell in the ranks of our group. Clay feels that I’m too tall to look right when dancing. He feels that JGant only has one real move, and is not a good break-off artist.
So, that night he just started dancing. I busted out the camera and I realized what was about to transpire. We now have a multi-person, two round, you-decided-the-winner, dance off. Each week I’ll post the video of a contestant or two and at the end of 4 weeks, Ill take a vote to crown the dance off champion. As of right now, the contestants are Clay, JGant, Aubrey (be prepared to die laughing), and myself.
Let’s kick it off right with Clayty Clays dance off video:
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
How to Sneak Into Body English / Sugar Shane's My Boy!
July/20/2008 07:38 PM Filed in: Random
This story happened over Memorial Day weekend, but I was too busy to write about it before heading to the Summer League. Anyway, I definitely feel that it’s worth reading. In a way, it’s a story, but in another way, it’s a very simple way to start your night outside the Hard Rock hotel in Vegas and end your night inside of Body English nightclub at the Hard Rock. Here goes:
We started out our night in our pimp ass presidential suite at Caesar’s Palace. While we were decided where to go, I got an E-Mail from Dj Dig Dug alerting me that Body English was the spot to be that night.
As you can see, we are just about ready to make our moves for the night. From left to right it’s Cedric, Lil Jason, JGant, Me, and Ramy. The five of us had no idea what was in store for us, but with Dig Dug’s guidance, we were sure to have a lot of fun.
When we got over to the Hard Rock hotel, the lines were out of control. There must have been four different lines, all with a different meaning and all of those except for one led to another inner waiting area. Even with Dig Dug’s help, we were going to be in a world of hurt.
Thing about it was that Dig Dug told me a name to ask for and everywhere I tried to ask, I was told to talk to somebody else. I finally just chose the shortest line and cut to the front. The guy there sent me to the waiting area to ask for the guy I was looking for with the hook-up. The problem with this manuevar was that Ramy had dissappeared so now our 5 had become 4. Even more problematic was the fact that they were charging $100 per person to get in and once the bouncer decided to let us in, we would either have to find that connect quickly, or pay the cover.
Lil Jason, JGant and I were finally at the velvet rope. Any second now it would all work out or come to a depressing $100 end. Cedric was about 10 feet back talking to some girls. All of a sudden, Sugar Shane Mosely popped up behind JGant and me. The guy working the rope couldn’t see him though becuase we are over a foot taller than Shane. Already frustrated with the situation, we conceded that Sugar Shane was about to walk right in and we would be stuck there. We moved out of the way and told the bouncer that Sugar Shane was right there. He quickly grabbed Shane and asked him who he was with. Shane pointed to his crew, then turned back and pointed at Jgant and me and told the bouncer that we were with him too. Jgant quickly grabbed lil Jason and brought him with us.
The bouncer walked us through the kitchen, up some back stairs, and right up to the VIP section. The moment was filled with a high degree of Boom-Tho-Ness. When I first got to the VIP table, I noticed that there was a disposable camera, which I instantly commandeered. JGant and I were ready to rock and roll and get in there like swimwear.
Cedric, who was busy gaming up some girls, never caught up with us and was basically left outside. Ramy was still MIA and nobody knew what had happened to him. It didn’t matter though. We were inside gettin loose off that Goose courtesy of Sugar Shane Mosely.
What you see about is me, Shane, Lil Jason and JGant in the VIP. We were holdin it down in there for about 20-30 minutes when all of a sudden, Ramy shows up out of Nowhere:
I was so confused when Ramy showed up. We hadn’t seen the kid in an hour and we just figured he was locked out with Cedric. Ramy informed us that he had been inside of the club partying for an hour. JGant and I didn’t quite understand how that could be. The lines were super long and ridiculous. There was no way for him to get in, then find us up at the upper level VIP. It just didnt make sense. Ramy then began to tell us a story that we just couldn’t believe. If you want to sneak your way into Body English, now is the time to listen up. I’ll rewind back to when we first showed up at the Hard Rock hotel.
So Ramy, being very intoxicated and impatient, decided that he was ready to party right when we got there. Also, he had a couple of his boys meet him and I told him that it would be hard enough to get in with 5 men, let alone 7. After realizing how long the line was, he doubled back around to a place he hadn’t been since he was 16 years old.
Ramy now stood outside the Hard Rock hotel staring at the door he had discovered back when he was an underage kid trying to live up his Vegas experience. There are many doors outside of the Hard Rock hotel, but if you look, like he did that night, you’ll see a double glass door with two sets of white doors to the left of them. One is a single white door and the other is a double white door. Ramy confidently walked through the single white door, which led down a small flight of stairs and right into thr middle of the dance floor. JGant and I nearly fell over when he reached this point in his story.
Ramy then, forgetting that he had left his other two friends outside, went back up the stairs and back out the door. As soon as he cracked the secret door, his two homies were waiting for him outside and followed Ramy back in. They got to the bottom of the stairs and begin to celebrate by jumping around wildly. Right then, a security guard spots them and walks up to Ramy and says “You guys got in? Great. Now get the f*** out.”
Ramy and his boys were forced back out the way they came. At that point, they simply waited a couple minutes outside, then walked right back in through the door. This time, instead of celebrating, they came right up to the VIP and spotted JGant and me.
As you can see, the night ended very well for everyone... except Cedric. When I got back to my hotel room, Cedric was waiting there, alone. He was not happy about the fact that we all partied with Sugar Shane. His bad. He should have just snuck it!
We started out our night in our pimp ass presidential suite at Caesar’s Palace. While we were decided where to go, I got an E-Mail from Dj Dig Dug alerting me that Body English was the spot to be that night.
As you can see, we are just about ready to make our moves for the night. From left to right it’s Cedric, Lil Jason, JGant, Me, and Ramy. The five of us had no idea what was in store for us, but with Dig Dug’s guidance, we were sure to have a lot of fun.
When we got over to the Hard Rock hotel, the lines were out of control. There must have been four different lines, all with a different meaning and all of those except for one led to another inner waiting area. Even with Dig Dug’s help, we were going to be in a world of hurt.
Thing about it was that Dig Dug told me a name to ask for and everywhere I tried to ask, I was told to talk to somebody else. I finally just chose the shortest line and cut to the front. The guy there sent me to the waiting area to ask for the guy I was looking for with the hook-up. The problem with this manuevar was that Ramy had dissappeared so now our 5 had become 4. Even more problematic was the fact that they were charging $100 per person to get in and once the bouncer decided to let us in, we would either have to find that connect quickly, or pay the cover.
Lil Jason, JGant and I were finally at the velvet rope. Any second now it would all work out or come to a depressing $100 end. Cedric was about 10 feet back talking to some girls. All of a sudden, Sugar Shane Mosely popped up behind JGant and me. The guy working the rope couldn’t see him though becuase we are over a foot taller than Shane. Already frustrated with the situation, we conceded that Sugar Shane was about to walk right in and we would be stuck there. We moved out of the way and told the bouncer that Sugar Shane was right there. He quickly grabbed Shane and asked him who he was with. Shane pointed to his crew, then turned back and pointed at Jgant and me and told the bouncer that we were with him too. Jgant quickly grabbed lil Jason and brought him with us.
The bouncer walked us through the kitchen, up some back stairs, and right up to the VIP section. The moment was filled with a high degree of Boom-Tho-Ness. When I first got to the VIP table, I noticed that there was a disposable camera, which I instantly commandeered. JGant and I were ready to rock and roll and get in there like swimwear.
Cedric, who was busy gaming up some girls, never caught up with us and was basically left outside. Ramy was still MIA and nobody knew what had happened to him. It didn’t matter though. We were inside gettin loose off that Goose courtesy of Sugar Shane Mosely.
What you see about is me, Shane, Lil Jason and JGant in the VIP. We were holdin it down in there for about 20-30 minutes when all of a sudden, Ramy shows up out of Nowhere:
I was so confused when Ramy showed up. We hadn’t seen the kid in an hour and we just figured he was locked out with Cedric. Ramy informed us that he had been inside of the club partying for an hour. JGant and I didn’t quite understand how that could be. The lines were super long and ridiculous. There was no way for him to get in, then find us up at the upper level VIP. It just didnt make sense. Ramy then began to tell us a story that we just couldn’t believe. If you want to sneak your way into Body English, now is the time to listen up. I’ll rewind back to when we first showed up at the Hard Rock hotel.
So Ramy, being very intoxicated and impatient, decided that he was ready to party right when we got there. Also, he had a couple of his boys meet him and I told him that it would be hard enough to get in with 5 men, let alone 7. After realizing how long the line was, he doubled back around to a place he hadn’t been since he was 16 years old.
Ramy now stood outside the Hard Rock hotel staring at the door he had discovered back when he was an underage kid trying to live up his Vegas experience. There are many doors outside of the Hard Rock hotel, but if you look, like he did that night, you’ll see a double glass door with two sets of white doors to the left of them. One is a single white door and the other is a double white door. Ramy confidently walked through the single white door, which led down a small flight of stairs and right into thr middle of the dance floor. JGant and I nearly fell over when he reached this point in his story.
Ramy then, forgetting that he had left his other two friends outside, went back up the stairs and back out the door. As soon as he cracked the secret door, his two homies were waiting for him outside and followed Ramy back in. They got to the bottom of the stairs and begin to celebrate by jumping around wildly. Right then, a security guard spots them and walks up to Ramy and says “You guys got in? Great. Now get the f*** out.”
Ramy and his boys were forced back out the way they came. At that point, they simply waited a couple minutes outside, then walked right back in through the door. This time, instead of celebrating, they came right up to the VIP and spotted JGant and me.
As you can see, the night ended very well for everyone... except Cedric. When I got back to my hotel room, Cedric was waiting there, alone. He was not happy about the fact that we all partied with Sugar Shane. His bad. He should have just snuck it!
You Just Got JGanted!
July/06/2008 10:03 PM Filed in: Random
The second day of Memorial Day weekend, JGant, Kim, Ced and I were walking down the strip, when somebody thought it’d be a good idea to go into some bootleg casino and play the slots. I guess one of my homies had garnered a ticket that gave them $50 in free slot play, so thats what they did. It was obviously a set-up. A winner wasn’t a winner unless the jackpot was hit, which, of course, was never going to happen.
Well, while we were in this place, JGant and I walked around a bit because he wanted to play blackjack or something. After about a quarter-lap around the tables, someone yelled out to me.
“Rod Benson! Boom Tho!”
I turned around and there were some guys who looked pretty excited to be part of the movement. Soon after they saw me, they saw JGant.
“JGant! JGant! What’s up?!”
You have to understand that JGant usually doesn’t get the recognition. He gets some, but when he does, he ALWAYS feels big time when it happens. He makes a face that tells you that his heart and brain have just given each other a high five.
On this day, he quickly made the same face. He started smiling too as we started walking over to talk to the guys who were mad-boom-tho. The guys made it clear that they read TMRB and knew all the stories. They also made it clear that they knew JGant. I explained to them that he loves the recognition, which I think he also loved.
The who event took a turn when they explained to JGant why his name rings bells in their circle. They explained to us that their favorite entry on TMRB was “Don’t Make Me Punch You in the Balls... Again”. If you haven’t read that yet, do it now before you continue. It’s very important.
These guys then proceeded to say that they, sometimes sock eachother in the balls just to make each other mad or as a prank. They said that right after they sock their victim in the balls, they yell out “YOU JUST GOT JGANTED!” or “I JGANTED HIM!”
JGants brain and heart went from high-fiving, to collaborating on a way to erase these guys from the face of the earth. I’ve never seen him go from so happy to so annoyed in a second. These guys then proceeded to demonstrate the whole ball-punching motion while yelling out “I JGanted him!” It was real tough on JGant. I was ROLLING though. No way was this for real. People out there are really “JGanting” each other with my blog in mind? I LOVE it. I absolutely love it.
We took pictures with the guys (JGant wasn’t happy about the photo’s either) while they had their fists balled up in an “I’m about to ‘JGant’ you” fashion. Classic. I guess a new era has officially been ushered in: the “JGant him” era.
Well, while we were in this place, JGant and I walked around a bit because he wanted to play blackjack or something. After about a quarter-lap around the tables, someone yelled out to me.
“Rod Benson! Boom Tho!”
I turned around and there were some guys who looked pretty excited to be part of the movement. Soon after they saw me, they saw JGant.
“JGant! JGant! What’s up?!”
You have to understand that JGant usually doesn’t get the recognition. He gets some, but when he does, he ALWAYS feels big time when it happens. He makes a face that tells you that his heart and brain have just given each other a high five.
On this day, he quickly made the same face. He started smiling too as we started walking over to talk to the guys who were mad-boom-tho. The guys made it clear that they read TMRB and knew all the stories. They also made it clear that they knew JGant. I explained to them that he loves the recognition, which I think he also loved.
The who event took a turn when they explained to JGant why his name rings bells in their circle. They explained to us that their favorite entry on TMRB was “Don’t Make Me Punch You in the Balls... Again”. If you haven’t read that yet, do it now before you continue. It’s very important.
These guys then proceeded to say that they, sometimes sock eachother in the balls just to make each other mad or as a prank. They said that right after they sock their victim in the balls, they yell out “YOU JUST GOT JGANTED!” or “I JGANTED HIM!”
JGants brain and heart went from high-fiving, to collaborating on a way to erase these guys from the face of the earth. I’ve never seen him go from so happy to so annoyed in a second. These guys then proceeded to demonstrate the whole ball-punching motion while yelling out “I JGanted him!” It was real tough on JGant. I was ROLLING though. No way was this for real. People out there are really “JGanting” each other with my blog in mind? I LOVE it. I absolutely love it.
We took pictures with the guys (JGant wasn’t happy about the photo’s either) while they had their fists balled up in an “I’m about to ‘JGant’ you” fashion. Classic. I guess a new era has officially been ushered in: the “JGant him” era.
The Ipod Game?
July/04/2008 01:39 PM Filed in: Random
Memorial weekend was coming to an end and it seemed like we hadn’t really enjoyed our pool at Caesars Palace quite the way we should. On Memorial Day Monday we decided this should change. JGant, Ramy, and I headed to the elevator to go down to the pool. When we stepped on, there were three pretty good looking women on there too. We talked for a second, then parted ways when the elevator reached the lobby.
We dropped our bags off at the front desk and headed over to the pool. After searching for 3 chairs for what seemed like ages, we finally found our resting place in a shaded area of the pool deck and sat down. 20 minutes later, those same girls from the elevator came walking out of the pool in their swimsuits and sat in their chairs, which just so happened to be 15 feet from us, facing us.
I’m pretty sure that most girls look better in swimwear (see why I’m always trynna get in there?), and they were no different. They went from good to great just that quickly.
So now we are sitting in our chairs with our sunglasses on and they are in sitting in their chairs, sunglasses on, and we are all pretending like we arent looking at each other, which is impossible because our chairs are 15 feet away and facing towards one another. It was half-awkward, half-awesome. My glasses don’t allow you to see my eyes, so I made it a point to look straight ahead, but check them out at the same time.
Finally, JGant went to go grab something from his bag. I was going to ask him to grab my book so I could read, but I realized that that was foolish. I instead told him to grab my portable ipod speakers and my ipod. It was time to get this party started.
When he came back, I started playing music at max volume. The speakers are loud, but not THAT loud, so the girls could hear the song well enough, but not great. I played everything from Usher to Journey, from Bob Sinclair to Mickey Avalon. It wasn’t long before they all bought in. They were singing my songs amongst themselves like we were in a club. Still, the music hadn’t brought us together, which was my ultimate goal.
Ramy had just come out of the pool when I asked him to do me a favor. I told him that I was gonna play a song and that he should walk the ipod dock over to the girls and set it down right in front of them. He was reluctant at first, but after some more convincing, I started a song and he walked the dock over to the girls. He sat it down at the feet of the hottest girl and said “this is from him.”
“Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way”
Oh yea. I definitely sent them “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. They laughed and enjoyed it. After that, the flood gates were open. I walked over and said “I’m sure you’re used to guys sending you drinks. I figured I’d send you a song. A song that shows just how I want it: that way.”
We started talkin w them and ended up riding in their car over to TAO Beach at the Venetian. Once we were there, we got in the pool and had the greatest pool party ever.
We finally parted ways at 9pm that night after a whole day that started with a song. If you’re not enough of a poet to compete in the Poem Game, then try sending a song. Maybe your day will turn out like ours did.
We dropped our bags off at the front desk and headed over to the pool. After searching for 3 chairs for what seemed like ages, we finally found our resting place in a shaded area of the pool deck and sat down. 20 minutes later, those same girls from the elevator came walking out of the pool in their swimsuits and sat in their chairs, which just so happened to be 15 feet from us, facing us.
I’m pretty sure that most girls look better in swimwear (see why I’m always trynna get in there?), and they were no different. They went from good to great just that quickly.
So now we are sitting in our chairs with our sunglasses on and they are in sitting in their chairs, sunglasses on, and we are all pretending like we arent looking at each other, which is impossible because our chairs are 15 feet away and facing towards one another. It was half-awkward, half-awesome. My glasses don’t allow you to see my eyes, so I made it a point to look straight ahead, but check them out at the same time.
Finally, JGant went to go grab something from his bag. I was going to ask him to grab my book so I could read, but I realized that that was foolish. I instead told him to grab my portable ipod speakers and my ipod. It was time to get this party started.
When he came back, I started playing music at max volume. The speakers are loud, but not THAT loud, so the girls could hear the song well enough, but not great. I played everything from Usher to Journey, from Bob Sinclair to Mickey Avalon. It wasn’t long before they all bought in. They were singing my songs amongst themselves like we were in a club. Still, the music hadn’t brought us together, which was my ultimate goal.
Ramy had just come out of the pool when I asked him to do me a favor. I told him that I was gonna play a song and that he should walk the ipod dock over to the girls and set it down right in front of them. He was reluctant at first, but after some more convincing, I started a song and he walked the dock over to the girls. He sat it down at the feet of the hottest girl and said “this is from him.”
“Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way”
Oh yea. I definitely sent them “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. They laughed and enjoyed it. After that, the flood gates were open. I walked over and said “I’m sure you’re used to guys sending you drinks. I figured I’d send you a song. A song that shows just how I want it: that way.”
We started talkin w them and ended up riding in their car over to TAO Beach at the Venetian. Once we were there, we got in the pool and had the greatest pool party ever.
We finally parted ways at 9pm that night after a whole day that started with a song. If you’re not enough of a poet to compete in the Poem Game, then try sending a song. Maybe your day will turn out like ours did.
BTGOM: May (Yes, I know it's July right now)
July/03/2008 10:04 AM Filed in: BTGOM
This was meant to go up long ago, but that doesn’t mean that this month’s BTGOM is any less important than the past winners of the prestigious award. This month is particularly special actually, because I decided to include an honorable mention. It’s also special because both of the following Boom Tho Girls EARNED their spot.
In true pageant form, I’ll first list the honorable mention BTGOM. This girl earned her spot not because she is a model or a celebrity. It wasn’t because people emailed me about her. It wasn’t because she was discovered at a Des Moines, Iowa bar (been to many) like a diamond in the rough. This girl is an honorable mention BTGOM strictly due to the fact that she wanted to be and because she was persistent and witty in her pursuit of the title.
I hold a vote with the other Boom Tho Originators each month to determine the validity of the BTGOM’s and this vote placed her second. I felt that she still had to be mentioned because the people need to know just how she campaigned for her spot. It all started with this email:
“Before I begin my campaign for BTGOTM (what a long acronym), let me say I recognize that I’m not some sexy beltway diva, nor am I a lovable NBC star, nor have I ever been in an ad for deoderant. Your GOTMs so far have been from the upper echelons of sexy-society—the lucky Boom Tho ladies have glamour shots and full Google Image portfolios to match. Some Boom Tho haters might even argue that these ladies are unattainable for a NB(DL)A star like yourself (For the record, I completely disagree—sky’s the limit!)
As your stat sheet has filled, your blog roll expanded and your hit counter skyrocketed like the Tech-Bubble Dow Jones, your audience has grown and changed. We are a diverse bunch who giggle when you clown on fellow NBA bloggers and love the inflection on Boom GOT them Tho! We enjoy both the simple pleasures of MySpace message exposés and the high-brow discussions about Pistol Pete. We have both your TMRB and NBA Experts Blog on our Google Reader RSS feed because we’re incredibly technologically sophisticated.
What I’m trying to say is, I think it’s time the BTGOTM went out to a ‘normal’ reader. However, when I say normal, I mean in the same way that Surf Ninja’s was a ‘normal’ 90’s movie. I am a New York native, now in my third year studying at Harvard. I have red hair and playful freckles. I laugh out loud to your postings in the library while studying for exams, I say Boom got them DOS with decent regularity, and my Boom Tho! Shirt is already in the mail. Just like your blog, I stay simultaneously extremely educated, incredibly comical and super classy.
Boom Tho.
Sarah Sherman”
Who the hell is Sarah Sherman? I began to wonder that to myself, among other things. She got immediate points for mentioning “Surf Ninja’s,” which was a move I would have pulled. Not to mention that Ton Loc was somehow cast in a movie about a family of surfers who know Karate.
I forwarded the email to my other Boom Tho Originators. Here are some of the immediate responses:
“Impressive argument. But this girl has red hair, freckles and with a name like Sarah Sherman is DEFINITELY Jewish. Being a member of the tribe myself, and having seen my fair share of redheaded, freckled Jewish women, I will pay your cover at any club the next time you come out here if she's actually cute. Plus she sounds way to smart to be cute.” -- Alex
“wow this chick is on it pretty tough...(maybe that's what harvard does to you?), but I think its a good idea to have users as the boom tho girl of the month, we've talked about this before.....” -- Clay
Alex was right. Nobody that smart could be attractive, right? Her words were already making her attractive and thus making us all believe that it was too good to be true. I emailed her back asking for pictures. Gotta have pictures for a BTGOM. She sent me this email and the following pictures:
“Rod,
I must extend my deepest apologies. My absence from world wide web contact has been a result of two things. First, crazy school ish has picked up around here and I have been struggling to tread water in a sea of response papers and exams. I've kept my head high, my dixon-ticonderogas (an exceptional pencil) impeccably sharpened and my Macbook on permanent 'charged' status--i'm in the clear now for a few weeks until finals. Second, and more gut-wrenching, Mike Mongtomery?!?? While Braun's firing was reasonable, hiring Benedict Arnold was a bold move that I have yet to come to terms with. Not since Shareef went one-and-done on us have I been this worried about Bears basketball.
As for the photos--i'm here to flood your inbox like it's a flickr account. Here's three shots, each with its own fun and flirty style. While an A-list BTGOTMer would roll with A-list celebs, the more 'average' BTGOTMs out there kick it incredibly C-list (Read: Leilene from Flavor of Love.. Ohhh yeaaah).
I must admit, I was a bit hurt when I saw you opened up the competition to the whole internet via your blogosphere casting call, but I think this one's in the back of the net for me.
Boom got them DOS.
Sarah.”
I couldnt be mad at that. She definitely is cute. If I met her at a Bar, I would make a play. She got my vote to be a BTGOM, but she just couldn’t beat out this months winner. She did send me another email couple weeks ago that I forwarded to the homies as well:
“so i wore my "boom tho shirt" out last night.
the crowds went wild.
i may or may not be the illest chick on campus.”
Alex replied:
“This chick is funny.”
Clay said:
“can we get a pic at least with her wearing the shirt? how bout she spreads the boomthodome to the harvard campus...haven't seen too many orders come down from beantown. “
Now, for THE May BTGOM. She earned her spot as well, but in a different way. I’ve known her for years, and she has always hyped the movement. So much so, that she actually created the very first boom tho shirt:
Yep, that was her creation. Her boom-tho-ness is high, but her accolades are even higher. She was the Gatorade High School Volleyball National Player of the Year, an All American at the University of Arizona, and a current member of USA Volleyball which is currently training for the Beijing Olympics. She just signed a three year deal with Under Armour and has other modeling ventures.
Even being as big time as she is, she still prefers to rock a Boom Tho shirt on the weekends (dresses and heels at night). So here is the May BTGOM, Kimberly Glass:
Oh yea, and she’s 6’2” tall!
Boom.
In true pageant form, I’ll first list the honorable mention BTGOM. This girl earned her spot not because she is a model or a celebrity. It wasn’t because people emailed me about her. It wasn’t because she was discovered at a Des Moines, Iowa bar (been to many) like a diamond in the rough. This girl is an honorable mention BTGOM strictly due to the fact that she wanted to be and because she was persistent and witty in her pursuit of the title.
I hold a vote with the other Boom Tho Originators each month to determine the validity of the BTGOM’s and this vote placed her second. I felt that she still had to be mentioned because the people need to know just how she campaigned for her spot. It all started with this email:
“Before I begin my campaign for BTGOTM (what a long acronym), let me say I recognize that I’m not some sexy beltway diva, nor am I a lovable NBC star, nor have I ever been in an ad for deoderant. Your GOTMs so far have been from the upper echelons of sexy-society—the lucky Boom Tho ladies have glamour shots and full Google Image portfolios to match. Some Boom Tho haters might even argue that these ladies are unattainable for a NB(DL)A star like yourself (For the record, I completely disagree—sky’s the limit!)
As your stat sheet has filled, your blog roll expanded and your hit counter skyrocketed like the Tech-Bubble Dow Jones, your audience has grown and changed. We are a diverse bunch who giggle when you clown on fellow NBA bloggers and love the inflection on Boom GOT them Tho! We enjoy both the simple pleasures of MySpace message exposés and the high-brow discussions about Pistol Pete. We have both your TMRB and NBA Experts Blog on our Google Reader RSS feed because we’re incredibly technologically sophisticated.
What I’m trying to say is, I think it’s time the BTGOTM went out to a ‘normal’ reader. However, when I say normal, I mean in the same way that Surf Ninja’s was a ‘normal’ 90’s movie. I am a New York native, now in my third year studying at Harvard. I have red hair and playful freckles. I laugh out loud to your postings in the library while studying for exams, I say Boom got them DOS with decent regularity, and my Boom Tho! Shirt is already in the mail. Just like your blog, I stay simultaneously extremely educated, incredibly comical and super classy.
Boom Tho.
Sarah Sherman”
Who the hell is Sarah Sherman? I began to wonder that to myself, among other things. She got immediate points for mentioning “Surf Ninja’s,” which was a move I would have pulled. Not to mention that Ton Loc was somehow cast in a movie about a family of surfers who know Karate.
I forwarded the email to my other Boom Tho Originators. Here are some of the immediate responses:
“Impressive argument. But this girl has red hair, freckles and with a name like Sarah Sherman is DEFINITELY Jewish. Being a member of the tribe myself, and having seen my fair share of redheaded, freckled Jewish women, I will pay your cover at any club the next time you come out here if she's actually cute. Plus she sounds way to smart to be cute.” -- Alex
“wow this chick is on it pretty tough...(maybe that's what harvard does to you?), but I think its a good idea to have users as the boom tho girl of the month, we've talked about this before.....” -- Clay
Alex was right. Nobody that smart could be attractive, right? Her words were already making her attractive and thus making us all believe that it was too good to be true. I emailed her back asking for pictures. Gotta have pictures for a BTGOM. She sent me this email and the following pictures:
“Rod,
I must extend my deepest apologies. My absence from world wide web contact has been a result of two things. First, crazy school ish has picked up around here and I have been struggling to tread water in a sea of response papers and exams. I've kept my head high, my dixon-ticonderogas (an exceptional pencil) impeccably sharpened and my Macbook on permanent 'charged' status--i'm in the clear now for a few weeks until finals. Second, and more gut-wrenching, Mike Mongtomery?!?? While Braun's firing was reasonable, hiring Benedict Arnold was a bold move that I have yet to come to terms with. Not since Shareef went one-and-done on us have I been this worried about Bears basketball.
As for the photos--i'm here to flood your inbox like it's a flickr account. Here's three shots, each with its own fun and flirty style. While an A-list BTGOTMer would roll with A-list celebs, the more 'average' BTGOTMs out there kick it incredibly C-list (Read: Leilene from Flavor of Love.. Ohhh yeaaah).
I must admit, I was a bit hurt when I saw you opened up the competition to the whole internet via your blogosphere casting call, but I think this one's in the back of the net for me.
Boom got them DOS.
Sarah.”
I couldnt be mad at that. She definitely is cute. If I met her at a Bar, I would make a play. She got my vote to be a BTGOM, but she just couldn’t beat out this months winner. She did send me another email couple weeks ago that I forwarded to the homies as well:
“so i wore my "boom tho shirt" out last night.
the crowds went wild.
i may or may not be the illest chick on campus.”
Alex replied:
“This chick is funny.”
Clay said:
“can we get a pic at least with her wearing the shirt? how bout she spreads the boomthodome to the harvard campus...haven't seen too many orders come down from beantown. “
Now, for THE May BTGOM. She earned her spot as well, but in a different way. I’ve known her for years, and she has always hyped the movement. So much so, that she actually created the very first boom tho shirt:
Yep, that was her creation. Her boom-tho-ness is high, but her accolades are even higher. She was the Gatorade High School Volleyball National Player of the Year, an All American at the University of Arizona, and a current member of USA Volleyball which is currently training for the Beijing Olympics. She just signed a three year deal with Under Armour and has other modeling ventures.
Even being as big time as she is, she still prefers to rock a Boom Tho shirt on the weekends (dresses and heels at night). So here is the May BTGOM, Kimberly Glass:
Oh yea, and she’s 6’2” tall!
Boom.
Return of the Mac
July/03/2008 09:57 AM Filed in: Random
It’s been damn near 40 days since my last post. I’ll explain why real quickly. My trusty old MacBook decided to take a permanent vacation. It was working just fine, then it just never turned on again. The sourcefile for my site was stuck on that computer and thus, lost forever. I have since purchased a new MacBook Pro and started the rebuilding process, which included copying and pasting ALL the content from my old site.
Anyways, now I have MANY entries to update over the next couple weeks, so expect a healthy dose of ridiculousness.
Anyways, now I have MANY entries to update over the next couple weeks, so expect a healthy dose of ridiculousness.
Frantic Search for Jeans in Vegas
May/21/2008 03:57 PM Filed in: Random
When my season ended, I was scheduled to go to Eugene, OR for the weekend to get together with my man Sammy Glaser and shoot some photos for Bill Adler Designs. Well, the trip was paid for and everything, when I found out that JGant was gonna be in Vegas that same weekend. How could I pass on an opportunity to party with my partner in crime in the Sin City? I couldn't. I had to switch it up and make my way down to Vegas.
Along with JGant was a whole crew of Berkeley kids who were all part of my crew back in the day, so I didn't mind sharing a room with 3 other grown men. The entire weekend was ridiculous to be honest. We had a group of about 12 in 3 adjoining rooms, so everybody was wilin' out the whole time. We hit the town in our boom tho shirts as a crew and everything. It was solid. We even started freestylin' some boom tho raps while we were pre-gaming in the hotel room:
As you can see we are goin pretty hard right now. Right after this, my man Anthony Bright took over and gave me a solid boom tho flow that we got on tape (rated R):
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
Well in the midst of this ridiculous weekend, I hit up my man Ryan Vezapour and asked him what would be crackin for the weekend. At the same time, I emailed the Vegas DJ with the most boom-tho-ness, DJ Dig Dug, and asked him the same. Ryan told us about the Kanye West concert that was crackin that Friday, and it so happened that Dig Dug said the same thing. Boom. JGant and I knew what we were doing that night. We were gonna drop $88 apiece and check out one of the best rappers on the planet out at the Red Rock Hotel and Casino, which was about 25 minutes off the strip.
Ryan picked us up and drove us out there for the big show. When we got to the outdoor venue, Lupe Fiasco was already killin the mic up on stage so we settled into the middle of the pack and got right to enjoying ourselves. During the course of the concert, about 5-7 people approached me and proclaimed their boom-tho-ness. It was pretty solid. Except for this one girl behind me who kept grabbin my ass the whole night. When I asked her what was goin on, she said she saw me on E:60 and I couldn't help but laugh. Silly.
I've been to Rock the Mic, Up in Smoke, and the Glow in the Dark tour, and Kanye's performance that night at Glow in the Dark was easily the best I've ever seen from a rapper. Crazy stage, no hype men, 20 songs, and the straight up realness bein' spit every verse. While I was enjoying the show, Dj Dig Dug told me that he was DJing the afterparty at the club inside of Red Rock. He said that we should just go up to the door, drop his name, and boom boom.
So, after the show we walked over to the club (like everyone else) and told the security that Dig Dug had us. He left, then came back and said that we were good. As we were about to walk in, he stopped us. Ryan and I had on shorts since it was Vegas and it was an outdoor party. He said that the shorts would not fly. He said we were good if we came back in some jeans. Damn. So close, yet so far away. Our hotel was 25 minutes away and it was already 10:40, driving back to the strip would mean that we would just go somewhere over there and give up on the Kanye afterparty. We needed to get some jeans, and fast.
We walked out to Ryan's car. He had a pair of jeans in his trunk that fit him just nicely, but I had nothing to work with. What you are about to see is a video documentary of what transpired next:
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
What you need to understand is that Wal-Mart was about 10 minutes away, so it made sense to make that trip considering that every other store was closed. Also, I could have probably worn the 36 length jeans, but there was no way I was gonna be caught dead in some coddamn wranglers. No way. Luckily for us, JGant didn't recognize what developed and we ended up having a pretty spectacular night. I wore his nice jeans and he wore the wranglers.
We met up with Dig Dug in the party and told him what kind of music we were lookin for. That dude HOOKED IT UP. Have you ever seen someone C-Walk and get Hyphy in some Wrangler jeans? I have. His name is JGant and it was a legendary moment. It was a moment that taught me that if you have a high degree of boom-tho-ness in your heart, it doesn't matter if you just bought your jeans at Wal-Mart. JGant still got down and pulled a couple numbers. Mad-boom-tho-ness.
Along with JGant was a whole crew of Berkeley kids who were all part of my crew back in the day, so I didn't mind sharing a room with 3 other grown men. The entire weekend was ridiculous to be honest. We had a group of about 12 in 3 adjoining rooms, so everybody was wilin' out the whole time. We hit the town in our boom tho shirts as a crew and everything. It was solid. We even started freestylin' some boom tho raps while we were pre-gaming in the hotel room:
As you can see we are goin pretty hard right now. Right after this, my man Anthony Bright took over and gave me a solid boom tho flow that we got on tape (rated R):
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
Well in the midst of this ridiculous weekend, I hit up my man Ryan Vezapour and asked him what would be crackin for the weekend. At the same time, I emailed the Vegas DJ with the most boom-tho-ness, DJ Dig Dug, and asked him the same. Ryan told us about the Kanye West concert that was crackin that Friday, and it so happened that Dig Dug said the same thing. Boom. JGant and I knew what we were doing that night. We were gonna drop $88 apiece and check out one of the best rappers on the planet out at the Red Rock Hotel and Casino, which was about 25 minutes off the strip.
Ryan picked us up and drove us out there for the big show. When we got to the outdoor venue, Lupe Fiasco was already killin the mic up on stage so we settled into the middle of the pack and got right to enjoying ourselves. During the course of the concert, about 5-7 people approached me and proclaimed their boom-tho-ness. It was pretty solid. Except for this one girl behind me who kept grabbin my ass the whole night. When I asked her what was goin on, she said she saw me on E:60 and I couldn't help but laugh. Silly.
I've been to Rock the Mic, Up in Smoke, and the Glow in the Dark tour, and Kanye's performance that night at Glow in the Dark was easily the best I've ever seen from a rapper. Crazy stage, no hype men, 20 songs, and the straight up realness bein' spit every verse. While I was enjoying the show, Dj Dig Dug told me that he was DJing the afterparty at the club inside of Red Rock. He said that we should just go up to the door, drop his name, and boom boom.
So, after the show we walked over to the club (like everyone else) and told the security that Dig Dug had us. He left, then came back and said that we were good. As we were about to walk in, he stopped us. Ryan and I had on shorts since it was Vegas and it was an outdoor party. He said that the shorts would not fly. He said we were good if we came back in some jeans. Damn. So close, yet so far away. Our hotel was 25 minutes away and it was already 10:40, driving back to the strip would mean that we would just go somewhere over there and give up on the Kanye afterparty. We needed to get some jeans, and fast.
We walked out to Ryan's car. He had a pair of jeans in his trunk that fit him just nicely, but I had nothing to work with. What you are about to see is a video documentary of what transpired next:
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
What you need to understand is that Wal-Mart was about 10 minutes away, so it made sense to make that trip considering that every other store was closed. Also, I could have probably worn the 36 length jeans, but there was no way I was gonna be caught dead in some coddamn wranglers. No way. Luckily for us, JGant didn't recognize what developed and we ended up having a pretty spectacular night. I wore his nice jeans and he wore the wranglers.
We met up with Dig Dug in the party and told him what kind of music we were lookin for. That dude HOOKED IT UP. Have you ever seen someone C-Walk and get Hyphy in some Wrangler jeans? I have. His name is JGant and it was a legendary moment. It was a moment that taught me that if you have a high degree of boom-tho-ness in your heart, it doesn't matter if you just bought your jeans at Wal-Mart. JGant still got down and pulled a couple numbers. Mad-boom-tho-ness.
Poem Game 3
May/13/2008 03:55 PM Filed in: Poems
I was down in San Diego last week to visit the mother when I decided that it would be a good idea to visit my high school's basketball team banquet. You know, one of those end of the year, let's celebrate the good guys and give certificates to the scrubs, type of deal.
While I was there, some of the kids on the Varsity team wanted to know how I felt about helping them work on one of the servers with some poetry. Specifically, they wanted to play The Poem Game. I was all for it, of course. I was able to grab a pen and a napkin and I got to work. It seems to be getting harder to come up with new poems on the fly, but I was still able to whip one up. This is what I wrote for them:
Outside this room golf is everywhere,
But inside this place love is in the air
You wear black and white, I want to Looky
You look like a tasty Oreo cookie
Think about the games we could play
In a golf cart out on Lomas Santa Fe
Monica, you work here, I'm from Torrey Pines
Monica I could say your name a 1000 times
If I'm a ninja turtle, be my April O'niel
Come get my Ooze, if that's how you feel
Better yet I'll be Shrek, you be Fiona
We'd make sweet artwork like the Mona
Let me take you out to lunch, be my Hannah Montana
You bring some chips, I'll bring the banana!
I gave the napkin back to Ramsey Hopkins, a junior at TP. He then gave it to the server. Here's how it went down:
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
While I was there, some of the kids on the Varsity team wanted to know how I felt about helping them work on one of the servers with some poetry. Specifically, they wanted to play The Poem Game. I was all for it, of course. I was able to grab a pen and a napkin and I got to work. It seems to be getting harder to come up with new poems on the fly, but I was still able to whip one up. This is what I wrote for them:
Outside this room golf is everywhere,
But inside this place love is in the air
You wear black and white, I want to Looky
You look like a tasty Oreo cookie
Think about the games we could play
In a golf cart out on Lomas Santa Fe
Monica, you work here, I'm from Torrey Pines
Monica I could say your name a 1000 times
If I'm a ninja turtle, be my April O'niel
Come get my Ooze, if that's how you feel
Better yet I'll be Shrek, you be Fiona
We'd make sweet artwork like the Mona
Let me take you out to lunch, be my Hannah Montana
You bring some chips, I'll bring the banana!
I gave the napkin back to Ramsey Hopkins, a junior at TP. He then gave it to the server. Here's how it went down:
Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.
The Bachelor Party
May/07/2008 03:52 PM Filed in: Random
What you are about to witness is an email account of a very terrible situation that me and some of my boys are going through. I'll give you a little back-story on the issue first. My roommate of four years, Richard Midgley, is getting married this summer. He is the first of my friends to get married, so I'm kind of new to the whole process. The lack of experience comes into play even more because I am actually in the wedding, so I am one of three guys all in charge of making sure the bachelor party is off the chain. Now you know all you need to know to read the following. It's an email sent by Christian Prelle (my hoops teammate turned model friend) regarding the bachelor party situation, Richard was not CC'd in this email:
We have handled the news of Rmidge getting married pretty well. Unfortunately though, we've just been hit with something that cannot be forgiven or forgotten as long as we live.
Im assuming that we are all in agreement with the fact that a man's bachelor party is his last chance as a free man to really get loose with his best buds. Im not saying that he will never go out again and get wild...im just saying that its a special time for us to commemorate the fact that he is signing his balls away for the rest of his life. Lets also be honest and say that the bachelor party is never only about the bachelor, its about his boys. A bachelor party is a prime opportunity for guys like Conor to swoop and maybe pick up some sixty year olds and make out in the middle of the casino, a prime time for Lup to find some Lup breezes make them cry and come home with lion claw marks all over his back, a prime time for space to find a nice blonde breeder and wife the shit out of her, Rod can get some amazing footage for his next music vid, and last but not least Mike will be able to disappear for hours and talk on the phone to his girl and make up a lie on why he has to take an early flight home.
Well, all of these amazing scenarios are in jeopardy of never happening. Apparently, Richard cant go to Vegas! I can hear the collective, "WHY!" amongst all of you. No, its not because of a family emergency. No, its not because he doesnt think Vegas would be fun. No, its not because he doesnt want to lose the money he is saving for the honeymoon on gambling. All of these MIGHT be acceptable excuses. As you have probably guessed by now: Its because Vanessa said he is not allowed!
I know there are other places to have bachelor parties, but come on when you're in America and you here the words bachelor party you immediately think Vegas. Of course, we dont want to go to Vegas because we want Midgley to bang some hooker like Vanessa is probably thinking. We want to go to Vegas because it presents the most opportunity, in the short period of time we have, to make some legendary moments.
We all remember the old Rmidge, probably at one time the most solid among us. The guy who claimed he would never be the first to get married, the guy who used to get in a bar brawl anytime he went to bear's lair, the guy who would cut off his own hand before ever holding a breezes in public, and most importantly the guy who ALWAYS had his boy's backs no matter what. Well, that guy is looooooonnnnnnggggggg gone. I guess we'll just have to wait for Mike's or Chase's wedding, which ever comes first, to do Vegas big time.
If there still are any questions as to why we arent going to Vegas please direct your emails to the undisputed number one saver of all time r*****@gmail.com. If there are any alternative ideas for the bach party please email me.
RELL
So that email was sent to all the boys on April 23rd. On April 28th Chase Lyman, former Cal football star wide-out, sent this as a reply:
Since Vegas is now out of the running apparently, I have some ideas for other things we can do for the bachelor party.
-Monterey Bay Aquarium
-Movie night in Walnut Creek
-Poker night at Conor's place
-Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck
-6 Flags/Great America
-Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl
Let's see if we can get any of these locations approved and I'll set it up.
I was actually at Prelle's house in Newport Beach when we read this email from Chase. I realized that Richard was now CCd on the email so it could blow up. It prompted Prelle to immediately send this right back:
Take richard's email off any further inquiries about the bachelor party and insert vanessas because she makes all the decisions. The sad part is I'm not trying to be funny, I'm dead serious.
Chase, the poetry reading on Shattuck is the only idea that can potentially get the go ahead from the head honcho...if and only if the poetry contains no profanity whatsoever, no sexual references of any kind, and as long as its during the day so we can have Richard home before the street lights go on.
We wont be able to go to the aquarium because the female fish and mammals dont wear any clothes. We wont be able to go to movie night because its to late and all the movies nowadays contain violence and nudity and profanity...all of which are completely off limits for Richard. Poker night, I'm sure she'll laugh in his face at the mention of this idea...the potential to invite strippers over, and, of course, Richard is strictly prohibited from gambling for the rest of his life. Six flags is off limits because of the dangers the roller coasters present...we might be able to get away with going to a theme park if and only if it's guys only day at the venue. Mystic bowling is obviously to late at night and there might be drinking which is also strictly prohibited because Richard is only allowed to have alcohol for special occasions like family parties or baby showers and even then its a two beer limit, no hard alcohol of any kind.
Oh man this had me just dying. Richard was my roommate for four years, and now it had really come to this! Well, I guess Vanessa (Richard's Fiance) didn't take all of this too well. She called Prelle from England to call him out on many things. I couldn't exactly hear the words, but she was serious. If she wanted to call him out, she should have just pasted some of Prelle's modeling photos on the internet, like I do all the time:
I digress, this is about Rich, not Prelle. After the phone call, Prelle sent another email to everyone:
Just to forewarn everyone, you are not only sending a message to Richard when you send something to HIS email address. His address is shared with Vanessa. Richard/Vanessa, could you let us know if Richard has an email he uses just for himself in case we have anything private we want to send him.
Thanks
Oh man I was rolling. I thought this would end it all, but alas, a few days ago, I got one more email from Prelle. I guess there is a site called "The Jew Knew" where important questions get answered. To quote "The Jew":
"This is no AskJeeves...Jeeves is actually my bitch. I've got a tailored answer for every question. You heard me...I know my sh*t.
Try me...ask me anything. Just make sure it has nothing to do with Math or Religion.
I'll have a response e-mailed to you within 24 hours.
- The Jew"
So, Prelle's question and "The Jew's" response are both currently pasted right on the front of thejewknew.com, but I'll still list them here. I had to edit it a bit, even for TMRB:
Dear Jew: One of my best friends is getting married and I am the best man. Of course, I'm automatically hit with the responsibility of planning the bachelor party. Vegas, right? Of course, Vegas. Only problem is his fiance will not allow him to go. Last time I checked if you are a grown man you shouldnt have to listen when someone tells you what do. I had the whole thing planned out and now everyone one of our friends thinks this guy is a joke, including me. How do we tell him he doesnt have to listen to her? How do we tell him that if he listens to her now shell be telling him what to do until they get divorced? This guy has pulled a complete 180 from the guy we went to college with which wast that long ago? How do we get the old guy back?
**Response**
Your friend is pussy whipped. He’s getting married for f*cks sake. The guy you went to college with is gone…You heard me…GONE. There is no getting this guy back. In fact, your friendship is probably already in jeopardy. The wife has probably started to “phase out” his college buddies in lieu of couples…F*CK THAT.
Here’s what to do. Tell the wife…not your buddy…that you respect her decision and that you’re working on a contingency plan.
Here’s the plan:
Have all your buddies book flights to Cabo San Lucas and get everyone to pitch for a flight for the groom.
Tell the wife after the trip has been booked that instead of partying like animals for an entire weekend, you’ve decided do a more relaxing bachelor party to Cabo for some fishing and golf. Tell her the arrangements have already been made and airfare has been booked. She’ll be pissed, but the damage has been done.
Depending on the # of guys in your party, Stay at the ME (If less than 10) or book a house through:
www.Cabovillas.com
Get a house in Pedrigal…on the hill overlooking downtown. These guys will take good care of you and have a great inventory of sick houses/villas. You can pull chicks back to the house and you don’t have to worry about being too loud and getting kicked out. Cabo has a great pool scene and plenty of hot babies.
At the wedding…your speech needs to call the bitch out. Then tell her that you hate fishing and that you suck at golf.
Good luck. Bring your own blow…
The Jew
www.thejewknew.com
So "The Jew" gave us a possibility, Chase gave us some possibilities, and, of course, we could just go to Vegas. What do you think of our options? Scroll down to Vote below:
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We have handled the news of Rmidge getting married pretty well. Unfortunately though, we've just been hit with something that cannot be forgiven or forgotten as long as we live.
Im assuming that we are all in agreement with the fact that a man's bachelor party is his last chance as a free man to really get loose with his best buds. Im not saying that he will never go out again and get wild...im just saying that its a special time for us to commemorate the fact that he is signing his balls away for the rest of his life. Lets also be honest and say that the bachelor party is never only about the bachelor, its about his boys. A bachelor party is a prime opportunity for guys like Conor to swoop and maybe pick up some sixty year olds and make out in the middle of the casino, a prime time for Lup to find some Lup breezes make them cry and come home with lion claw marks all over his back, a prime time for space to find a nice blonde breeder and wife the shit out of her, Rod can get some amazing footage for his next music vid, and last but not least Mike will be able to disappear for hours and talk on the phone to his girl and make up a lie on why he has to take an early flight home.
Well, all of these amazing scenarios are in jeopardy of never happening. Apparently, Richard cant go to Vegas! I can hear the collective, "WHY!" amongst all of you. No, its not because of a family emergency. No, its not because he doesnt think Vegas would be fun. No, its not because he doesnt want to lose the money he is saving for the honeymoon on gambling. All of these MIGHT be acceptable excuses. As you have probably guessed by now: Its because Vanessa said he is not allowed!
I know there are other places to have bachelor parties, but come on when you're in America and you here the words bachelor party you immediately think Vegas. Of course, we dont want to go to Vegas because we want Midgley to bang some hooker like Vanessa is probably thinking. We want to go to Vegas because it presents the most opportunity, in the short period of time we have, to make some legendary moments.
We all remember the old Rmidge, probably at one time the most solid among us. The guy who claimed he would never be the first to get married, the guy who used to get in a bar brawl anytime he went to bear's lair, the guy who would cut off his own hand before ever holding a breezes in public, and most importantly the guy who ALWAYS had his boy's backs no matter what. Well, that guy is looooooonnnnnnggggggg gone. I guess we'll just have to wait for Mike's or Chase's wedding, which ever comes first, to do Vegas big time.
If there still are any questions as to why we arent going to Vegas please direct your emails to the undisputed number one saver of all time r*****@gmail.com. If there are any alternative ideas for the bach party please email me.
RELL
So that email was sent to all the boys on April 23rd. On April 28th Chase Lyman, former Cal football star wide-out, sent this as a reply:
Since Vegas is now out of the running apparently, I have some ideas for other things we can do for the bachelor party.
-Monterey Bay Aquarium
-Movie night in Walnut Creek
-Poker night at Conor's place
-Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck
-6 Flags/Great America
-Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl
Let's see if we can get any of these locations approved and I'll set it up.
I was actually at Prelle's house in Newport Beach when we read this email from Chase. I realized that Richard was now CCd on the email so it could blow up. It prompted Prelle to immediately send this right back:
Take richard's email off any further inquiries about the bachelor party and insert vanessas because she makes all the decisions. The sad part is I'm not trying to be funny, I'm dead serious.
Chase, the poetry reading on Shattuck is the only idea that can potentially get the go ahead from the head honcho...if and only if the poetry contains no profanity whatsoever, no sexual references of any kind, and as long as its during the day so we can have Richard home before the street lights go on.
We wont be able to go to the aquarium because the female fish and mammals dont wear any clothes. We wont be able to go to movie night because its to late and all the movies nowadays contain violence and nudity and profanity...all of which are completely off limits for Richard. Poker night, I'm sure she'll laugh in his face at the mention of this idea...the potential to invite strippers over, and, of course, Richard is strictly prohibited from gambling for the rest of his life. Six flags is off limits because of the dangers the roller coasters present...we might be able to get away with going to a theme park if and only if it's guys only day at the venue. Mystic bowling is obviously to late at night and there might be drinking which is also strictly prohibited because Richard is only allowed to have alcohol for special occasions like family parties or baby showers and even then its a two beer limit, no hard alcohol of any kind.
Oh man this had me just dying. Richard was my roommate for four years, and now it had really come to this! Well, I guess Vanessa (Richard's Fiance) didn't take all of this too well. She called Prelle from England to call him out on many things. I couldn't exactly hear the words, but she was serious. If she wanted to call him out, she should have just pasted some of Prelle's modeling photos on the internet, like I do all the time:
I digress, this is about Rich, not Prelle. After the phone call, Prelle sent another email to everyone:
Just to forewarn everyone, you are not only sending a message to Richard when you send something to HIS email address. His address is shared with Vanessa. Richard/Vanessa, could you let us know if Richard has an email he uses just for himself in case we have anything private we want to send him.
Thanks
Oh man I was rolling. I thought this would end it all, but alas, a few days ago, I got one more email from Prelle. I guess there is a site called "The Jew Knew" where important questions get answered. To quote "The Jew":
"This is no AskJeeves...Jeeves is actually my bitch. I've got a tailored answer for every question. You heard me...I know my sh*t.
Try me...ask me anything. Just make sure it has nothing to do with Math or Religion.
I'll have a response e-mailed to you within 24 hours.
- The Jew"
So, Prelle's question and "The Jew's" response are both currently pasted right on the front of thejewknew.com, but I'll still list them here. I had to edit it a bit, even for TMRB:
Dear Jew: One of my best friends is getting married and I am the best man. Of course, I'm automatically hit with the responsibility of planning the bachelor party. Vegas, right? Of course, Vegas. Only problem is his fiance will not allow him to go. Last time I checked if you are a grown man you shouldnt have to listen when someone tells you what do. I had the whole thing planned out and now everyone one of our friends thinks this guy is a joke, including me. How do we tell him he doesnt have to listen to her? How do we tell him that if he listens to her now shell be telling him what to do until they get divorced? This guy has pulled a complete 180 from the guy we went to college with which wast that long ago? How do we get the old guy back?
**Response**
Your friend is pussy whipped. He’s getting married for f*cks sake. The guy you went to college with is gone…You heard me…GONE. There is no getting this guy back. In fact, your friendship is probably already in jeopardy. The wife has probably started to “phase out” his college buddies in lieu of couples…F*CK THAT.
Here’s what to do. Tell the wife…not your buddy…that you respect her decision and that you’re working on a contingency plan.
Here’s the plan:
Have all your buddies book flights to Cabo San Lucas and get everyone to pitch for a flight for the groom.
Tell the wife after the trip has been booked that instead of partying like animals for an entire weekend, you’ve decided do a more relaxing bachelor party to Cabo for some fishing and golf. Tell her the arrangements have already been made and airfare has been booked. She’ll be pissed, but the damage has been done.
Depending on the # of guys in your party, Stay at the ME (If less than 10) or book a house through:
www.Cabovillas.com
Get a house in Pedrigal…on the hill overlooking downtown. These guys will take good care of you and have a great inventory of sick houses/villas. You can pull chicks back to the house and you don’t have to worry about being too loud and getting kicked out. Cabo has a great pool scene and plenty of hot babies.
At the wedding…your speech needs to call the bitch out. Then tell her that you hate fishing and that you suck at golf.
Good luck. Bring your own blow…
The Jew
www.thejewknew.com
So "The Jew" gave us a possibility, Chase gave us some possibilities, and, of course, we could just go to Vegas. What do you think of our options? Scroll down to Vote below:
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Naggin in Iceland
May/07/2008 03:51 PM Filed in: Random
My old high school teammate and current overseas baller Avi Fogel and I were driving down to the UCSD campus to play some pickup ball with the D2 kids when he decided to break the silence of the lazy afternoon.
"Rod man I forgot to tell you about for funny ish that happened when I was overseas in Iceland," he said excitedly, knowing that I would enjoy the story.
"Oh yea?" I responded. "What's crackin?"
I won't quote him because due to laughter, I don't remember his exact words. So I'll it the way I remember it. He tells me that when he was in Iceland the majority of his teammates were black and from the U.S. He said that one night they all went out to some Icelandic club that, based on his description of Icelandic women, I would have to assume was pretty crackin and filled with many dime pieces.
One of his boys was REALLY feelin one of those dimes out in the club so he made a play, but she shot him down. I guess later he tried again, and again, and finally again. She just wasn't buying what the man was selling I guess. I wasn't there, but I can imagine a dude thinkin that he was gonna get some "easy" play overseas who realized that she wasn't that way.
Well, I guess the girl started to get annoyed with the situation. She walked up to Avi and his bothersome teammate and said "Why do you keep naggin me so much? All you do is nag nag nag!"
I guess Avi replies "Hahaha what? He keeps nagging you?"
Frustrated, the girl says to the teammate: "Yes. Why are you such a stupid NAGGER?"
Ummm.... I guess the accent made it tough to hear, so the teammate says: "What? Bitch, you don't know me!" and allegedy socks her in the face!
I haven't laughed so hard at anything yet since season ended. Obviously hitting a girl is off limits, but coddamn, he hit her because she called him a stupid NAGGER? Classic. Nagger should have shut his coddamn mouth!
"Rod man I forgot to tell you about for funny ish that happened when I was overseas in Iceland," he said excitedly, knowing that I would enjoy the story.
"Oh yea?" I responded. "What's crackin?"
I won't quote him because due to laughter, I don't remember his exact words. So I'll it the way I remember it. He tells me that when he was in Iceland the majority of his teammates were black and from the U.S. He said that one night they all went out to some Icelandic club that, based on his description of Icelandic women, I would have to assume was pretty crackin and filled with many dime pieces.
One of his boys was REALLY feelin one of those dimes out in the club so he made a play, but she shot him down. I guess later he tried again, and again, and finally again. She just wasn't buying what the man was selling I guess. I wasn't there, but I can imagine a dude thinkin that he was gonna get some "easy" play overseas who realized that she wasn't that way.
Well, I guess the girl started to get annoyed with the situation. She walked up to Avi and his bothersome teammate and said "Why do you keep naggin me so much? All you do is nag nag nag!"
I guess Avi replies "Hahaha what? He keeps nagging you?"
Frustrated, the girl says to the teammate: "Yes. Why are you such a stupid NAGGER?"
Ummm.... I guess the accent made it tough to hear, so the teammate says: "What? Bitch, you don't know me!" and allegedy socks her in the face!
I haven't laughed so hard at anything yet since season ended. Obviously hitting a girl is off limits, but coddamn, he hit her because she called him a stupid NAGGER? Classic. Nagger should have shut his coddamn mouth!
BTGOM: April
April/24/2008 03:43 PM Filed in: BTGOM
I asked, you answered. I wanted to know who the next BTGOM should be, and I got the same answer many times. I was apprehensive about accepting this particular suggestion because I remember reading something about her last year. I read that she really doesn't want all the attention that she's been getting. I read that as a high schooler, she was basically being stalked and that there were pictures and discussions and websites all chronicling her every move. Maybe it was warranted, but it was unwanted.
Well, in a way, this is one of those same attention creating, "let's all gawk at the hot girl" things that she has resented for so long. In another way, however, this is very different. This is the Boom Tho Girl of the Month. This is about recognizing someone out there who I think is ready like spaghetti, someone who is in there like swimwear, and someone who could help promote the movement through looks, yes, but also through being all around cool, smart, and progressive.
That being said, I now feel comfortable naming Allison Stokke the BTGOM for April 2008. Some of the emails called this too perfect. Maybe it is. An athlete from my school who looks like that? I guess it was just meant to be. Maybe I'll go into HAAS this summer to get my ankles taped by Barry Parsons, AKA the best trainer in the history of training, and I'll see her in there. She probably won't know who I am, but Barry and I will look at each other and understand the Boom-Tho-Ness of the situation.
If you read this, Allison, understand that I recognize the way you literally raise the bar for the Cal track team and figuratively raise the bar for all Cal women who, although some of the most intelligent women in the country, are not renowned for their looks. I can envision you dancing at a FIJI (Cal Frat) party, absolutely framed like a diamond in the rough. I emerge through the front door with my crew of Boom Tho t-shirt wearing hooligans, get you a drink and we get next on the Beirut table (beer pong to those who don't really know). Ask Mohammed (Cal student services blah blah slash athlete favorite) about me, he'll tell you what's up!
That is what I missed out on during my four years. Oh well. Still, Mo, do it.
Well, in a way, this is one of those same attention creating, "let's all gawk at the hot girl" things that she has resented for so long. In another way, however, this is very different. This is the Boom Tho Girl of the Month. This is about recognizing someone out there who I think is ready like spaghetti, someone who is in there like swimwear, and someone who could help promote the movement through looks, yes, but also through being all around cool, smart, and progressive.
That being said, I now feel comfortable naming Allison Stokke the BTGOM for April 2008. Some of the emails called this too perfect. Maybe it is. An athlete from my school who looks like that? I guess it was just meant to be. Maybe I'll go into HAAS this summer to get my ankles taped by Barry Parsons, AKA the best trainer in the history of training, and I'll see her in there. She probably won't know who I am, but Barry and I will look at each other and understand the Boom-Tho-Ness of the situation.
If you read this, Allison, understand that I recognize the way you literally raise the bar for the Cal track team and figuratively raise the bar for all Cal women who, although some of the most intelligent women in the country, are not renowned for their looks. I can envision you dancing at a FIJI (Cal Frat) party, absolutely framed like a diamond in the rough. I emerge through the front door with my crew of Boom Tho t-shirt wearing hooligans, get you a drink and we get next on the Beirut table (beer pong to those who don't really know). Ask Mohammed (Cal student services blah blah slash athlete favorite) about me, he'll tell you what's up!
That is what I missed out on during my four years. Oh well. Still, Mo, do it.
Ode to Jenna Fischer Parte Dos
April/20/2008 03:40 PM Filed in: Poems
Earlier today, I went out and bought "Walk Hard." I popped into my xbox and started watching it. I had no idea Jenna Fischer was in that bad boy looking as gorgeous as ever. It pissed me off in a way. Why did nobody tell me that the official Boom Tho girl was all spiced up and hot in a Judd Apatow movie? It caught me by surprise. I would have gone to the theatre to see it if I had known all the details.
Anyways, the fact of the matter is that the Boom Tho GOTM's have gotten more attention lately than the original Boom Tho Girl. Jenna, I haven't forgotten about you. We have a chemistry that only two people who have never met can share. It's special to only us. So, I decided that you needed another poem to show you just how I feel. The first poem can be seen in "Ode to Jenna Fischer", but this is the second one. This is Part Dos!
The past few months have been really whack
But 2 weeks ago at 7 The Office came back
I'm so glad she came back - I've missed her
That's right, I've missed you Jenna Fischer
I know you think we don't know each other
But after watching Dewey Cox, I think you need a brother
If you were some milk, I'd be like Ovaltine
We'd get some brown in you if you know what I mean
Yep, I said it, I'm anything but coy,
If your life is a happy meal, then I'm your free toy
My beds like a ship, let me be your captain
Come to my room, "Where Boom Tho Happens"
So what if Will Farrell felt you up in blades of glory
The irrigation room gets wild after dwights bedtime story
You're like the Little Mermaid, Ariel of the Sea
Ill go to the water where it is hotter take it from me
Let me show you why they call me Too Much
I just want to treat you like my Ipod Touch
The next line is dirty, If you know what I mean
Treat me like a Nintendo Cartridge that's not clean
We could be like Jules and Seth, solid as a rock
You can scratch my back, but it's located on my --
Let's make some sweet music like Bleeker and Juno
When it comes to Boom Tho girls, you're numero uno!
Anyways, the fact of the matter is that the Boom Tho GOTM's have gotten more attention lately than the original Boom Tho Girl. Jenna, I haven't forgotten about you. We have a chemistry that only two people who have never met can share. It's special to only us. So, I decided that you needed another poem to show you just how I feel. The first poem can be seen in "Ode to Jenna Fischer", but this is the second one. This is Part Dos!
The past few months have been really whack
But 2 weeks ago at 7 The Office came back
I'm so glad she came back - I've missed her
That's right, I've missed you Jenna Fischer
I know you think we don't know each other
But after watching Dewey Cox, I think you need a brother
If you were some milk, I'd be like Ovaltine
We'd get some brown in you if you know what I mean
Yep, I said it, I'm anything but coy,
If your life is a happy meal, then I'm your free toy
My beds like a ship, let me be your captain
Come to my room, "Where Boom Tho Happens"
So what if Will Farrell felt you up in blades of glory
The irrigation room gets wild after dwights bedtime story
You're like the Little Mermaid, Ariel of the Sea
Ill go to the water where it is hotter take it from me
Let me show you why they call me Too Much
I just want to treat you like my Ipod Touch
The next line is dirty, If you know what I mean
Treat me like a Nintendo Cartridge that's not clean
We could be like Jules and Seth, solid as a rock
You can scratch my back, but it's located on my --
Let's make some sweet music like Bleeker and Juno
When it comes to Boom Tho girls, you're numero uno!
Pistol Pete-isms
April/19/2008 03:30 PM Filed in: Hoops
On Ball Don't Lie, I wrote about Pistol Pete and how his skills were superhuman. Go read that, if you haven't already.
Now that you've read it, I decided to list all the Pistol Pete-isms that people posted. So, here they are, uncut:
a Pistol Pete spin-dribble started Hurricane Katrina
* When he ran suicides, he called them baby-makers. * He could have averaged 50 points a game, but he likes palindromes. * Shaquille O'Neal only took the name 'Diesel' because Pistol took Premium. * It wasn't March Madness until Pistol got angry. * Dick Vitale sounded like Jay Bilas until he saw Pistol's crossover. * ESPN originally stood for "Every Shot of Pistols is Notable."
Referees never called fouls on Pistol Pete; he ordered them to randomly blow their whistles to make his possessions more interesting.
Pistol Pete caused the 1977 New York blackout during a pickup game when his crossover dribble accidentally generated an electromagnetic pulse.
Pistol Pete's baby teeth grew arms and legs and eventually spawned into 7 members of the 1986 Celtics.
Pistol Pete once melted a pair of Chuck Taylors into the shape of the Virgin Mary dribbling a basketball--15 minutes later, the silhouette began producing tears.”
Pistol Pete is so fast that all his assists are to himself.
Pistol Pete doesn't break ankles, he amputates feet.
Pistol Pete didn't drop dimes, he dropped C-notes.
When Pistol Pete played, they moved the 3-point line to half court, because a 20-footer is just a layup to Pistol Pete.”
Pistol Pete never hit the rim. He swished every shot he ever took, he refused to even dunk the ball as he viewed the rim as disgusting and didn't want to touch it in any way.
if pistol pete was black they'd call him rod benson
Pistol Pete ran the 3-man weave single-handedly.
Pistol Pete racked up 21 assists in a one-on-one game.
Pistol Pete went deep into the NIT tournament despite the fact that his teammates were 7 goats and a truck tire.
Pistol Pete once had a line of 63 points, 21 assists, 18 rebounds, and 3 impregnated cheerleaders.”
Pistol Pete is a good scorer without the ball. Literally, he just stares at the ball and it goes in.
Pistol Pete's crossover is so devastating that reading about it will break your ankles. Don't believe me? Look down at your ankles right now. That's right.”
If Pistol Pete lost half his talent, they'd still say he boom got them dos!
Pistol Pete ran the triangle offense in 1 on 1 games.
Pistol Pete didn't call time outs. He stopped time.
Pistol Pete woulda averaged 57 points a game with the college three point line (that one's real).”
Pistol Pete is so fast that he makes other fast people..............seem.....umm....not..so fast.
well that sucked.”
Pistol Pete referred to practice as nap time.
Pistol Pete ate whole boxes of Wheaties in between time outs.
Pistol Pete never turned the ball over ever. The numbers that indicated otherwise on stat sheets were on the order of Pistol himself, just to show his supreme humility; one among many of his countless outstanding qualities.
Pistol Pete knows where Carmen San Diego is.”
The 3PT line wasn't ready like spaghetti for Pistol Pete
The Pistol often pissed his name onto the opposing teams locker rooms just like we piss our names into snow. Most of the floors had to be replaced becase of the seriousness of his piss' architectual damage.
Pistol Petes calander goes straight from the 31st March to the 2nd of April - No one fools pistol Pete.
Pistol Petes tears cure cancer - too bad he never cries.
When Pistol Pete does push ups he doesn't go up the world goes down.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Pistol Pete.
Pistol Pete gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Superman owns a pair of Pistol Pete pyjamas.
Pistol Pete sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparallelled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Pete spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should haveseen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The only time Pistol Pete was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”
Pistol Pete only missed shots to make you think you have a chance.
Pistol Pete once scored 50 points, during halftime.
Pistol Pete's shots vaccinate against polio.
Wilt Chamberlain was Pistol Pete standing on his own shoulders.”
Pistol Pete once dunked from the free throw line in a game ... the opponent's free throw line.
Pistol Pete never checked into the game, he just walked on and off the court whenever he felt like it.
Pistol Pete didn't try to outscore the other team, he tried to outscore both teams.
Pistol Pete's hair was a lock-down defender.”
When Pistol ran suicides he didn't touch the foul line and the midcourt line, he touched I-95, I-77, I-35...
Pistol Pete once ate an orange and started crying...and Gatorade was born
Pistol Pete once put the ball through both baskets on the same shot
Pistol Pete was Mr. Miyagi's father
During the opening tip once, the pistol grabbed the ball and made a layup before it reached maximum height
Pistol Pete could throw underhand so well, he once struck out 26 batters in a slow pitch softball game.
The only guy he didn't strike out was Chuck Norris, who flew out to center”
When Pistol Pete's shot gets cold, the inside of the rim becomes a superconductor.
The Soviet Union had an answer to Reagan's star wars defense program, they collapsed because they didn't have an answer to Pistol Pete.
When Pistol Pete played for the Jazz, they saved money on halftime entertainment. Pistol Pete would just watch other teams acts on the road and do them in costume at home. In one game, Pistol Pete had 60 points, 20 assists, and 20 rebounds in the second half, after spending most of halftime escaping from an underwater tank where he could not breathe.”
Pistol Pete's statistics started the high tech boom in America by creating a demand for more powerful adding machines.
Pistol Pete could sink a 15 lb. bowling ball from half court, while lying flat on his back.
Every woman that Wilt Chamberlin slept with had been with Pistol Pete first.
Pete Maravich played a full game at lsu with a splint on his knee. He couldn't walk so he stood the whole game at half court and scored 30 pts with 20 assists and 5 steals.”
Pistol Pete could reliably hit a three from any body position while break dancing.
Pistol Pete never missed a layup, ever, in his life. The closest shot he ever missed was a 12 foot jumper. Hurricane Camille was hitting Louisiana with 130 mph winds but Pete insisted on practicing on the outdoor court. He also missed a half court shot that day, after spending a few hours shooting.
Pistol Pete once beat Bruce Lee in a martial arts fight. Pete knocked him out with an unorthodox two handed push to the forehead. Only his fingertips touched Lee.”
pistol pete was ready before spaghetti
Pistol Pete wasn't named after a gun, guns were named after him.
When Pistol Pete ran the floor, he never traveled any distance, the distance traveled for him.
Pistol Pete didn't have ice water in his veins, your cooler has Pete's blood.”
Pistol Pete averaged 39 points and 18 dimes one season, after he retired.
The season after Pistol Pete was traded from the Jazz... He still led them in scoring.
Pistol Pete once outscored the opposing team for an entire game, at the tip off.
Pistol Pete didn't drink water during time outs, he drank souls.
Pistol Pete's socks led the league in assists.”
The reason why the 3 point line was not invented after Pistol Pete was because he would average 70 points a game
To make a great branch of steroids you need Hennessy, Cocaine, and Pistol Pete's Blood.
Pistol Pete can play and finish quarter averaging 40 points, 10 boards and 12 assists
Pistol Pete is the legitimate father of Kobe, Lebron, Chris Paul, and Michael Beasly
During the 1980 Summer Olympics the US didn't go because Pistol Pete coached the Yugoslavia team. We call that "intelligent" warfare”
Pete Maravich is most known for destroying Dick Vitale blood vessels in his neck from saying "It's Awesome BABY!"
A Pistol Pete crossover would end Shaun Livingston's life.
Pistol Pete could win a championship with three cardboard players and Gumby on his side with the 07 08 Miami Heat on the bench”
A Pistol Pete crossover would break the ankles of the entire opposing team
Pistol Pete can make a shot while double fisting beers in the owner's box
Pistol Pete is so Christ-like, a 5 year old can walk onto a D-1 team after watching his youtube instructional videos
Pistol Pete can score 40 while walking on his hands and shooting with his feet”
Any guy who had to guard Pistol Pete would become so negative that if he were in a darkroom he'd develop.
Pistol Pete never learned how to follow his own shot because he never missed any.
A spinning, no-look, between the legs bounce pass from Pistol Pete ended world hunger.
Pistol Pete brushed his teeth with brillo pads and flossed with razor blades.
Pistol Pete used to fill his jock with week-old crullers because that's how he rolls.”
Pistol Pete's homework basketball videos led the NBA in scoring and assists in 1988.
Pistol Pete wants everyone to know that he let Jerry West be the logo
Pistol Pete solved Tupac and Biggie's murders. He just doesn't want to tell you who did it.
Pistol Pete could beat Tiger Woods in a golf tournament. Nah...just kidding.”
pistol pete didn't need his team mates, his team mates needed him
pistol pete was always on fire, he caused heat waves.
his shooting was so hot, he ended the cold war.
he could dribble a bowling ball better than Skip to My Lou would handle the basketball.
pistol pete doesn't climb mountains, mountains bow down to him.
pistol pete was so good, everyone around him looked so bad.
he'd score so much points, the scorer often lost count.
his numbers were so outrageous, nobody today would've believed pistol pete was white.
to post 84: pistol pete is so good, he'll shoot a basketball in a golf hole...using a golf CLUB! 'nuff said, pete pawns the tiger”
I heard once that Pistol Pete went up for a layup that started in Times Square and he landed somewhere around Beijing, thus creating the Chinese Basketball Association.
Pistol Pete never used a gun when hunting, he spit out lead bullets and crapped Titanium-another reason they call him the Pistol.
The Army wanted to recruit the Pistol because they knew then they really could be an Army of one.
Someone once asked Pistol Pete what he thought about racism in America, he answered "I pity them racist fools" Shortly after Mr. T changed it to "I pity the fool" The royalties he got on the quote were amazing.
Pistols socks were tight when he put them on, but he was so silky smooth they instantly changed to silk and slid down, thus the floppy look.
Pistol Pete didn't really die, he had started playing ball again as a black man named Michael Jordan. The NBA decided they better kill off the Pistol before the Government started looking into it. The Pistol transcended race, gender, and time.”
For fun Pistol Pete would do his crossover in front of pregnant ladies causing the disease we now know as polio
Pistol Pete was with Moses as he was escaping from the egyptians, when faced with the red see he did a single crossover breaking the sees ankles and causing it to split.
Strangley enough in jeopardy you can answer all the questions with who is Pitol Pete”
God originally asked Noah to teach people about Pistol's arc, but Noah was too big a fool to comprehend its perfection.
Many of today's NBA players still receive assists from Pistol Pete.
By counteracting a patient's body tremors, Pistol Pete could cure Parkinson's.
Pistol Pete's cross over cause the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
When pistol pete heard people calling Jordan the G.O.A.T he rose from the grave and entered Jordan's nightmare as a monstrous basketball player crossing his airness and blocking him for hours Jordan later chronicled this ordeal in his critcally aclaimed "Space Jam"
When athletes make amazing plays time seems to slow down as God watches there acrobatic stunts in slow motion when Pistol Pete does time goes backwards as God continously rewinds his breathtaking drives causing what we now know as Deja Vu.
Pistol Pete's amazing leaps allowed him to break the space time continum. At the age of Forty he jumped and was transported to broke to 2008 where he saw the pitiful fate of the LSU basketball program, this is the real cause of his sudden heart attack. ”
Chuck Norris once challenged Pistol Pete to a 1 on 1 game. That was last time anyone had ever seen Chuck Norris
Pistol Pete can win a 7-game series in 3 games.
Pistol Pete's granny invented the granny shot.
Pistol Pete ate white chocalate and pooped out jason williams.
Pistol Petes blood is made of dimes
Pistol Pete is raefer alstons father
Pistol Pete can dribble with his penis
Pistol Pete did a crossover and went back in time and brought back chris kaman
Pistol Pete already knows how lebrons career is gonna go because hes already witnessed.
Pistol Pete is a decendant of zues
Pistol Petes crossover killed the dinasours
Pistol Petes crossover broke pangea apart.
Pistol Pete had such good vision he found america first.
Pistol Petes sweat makes gatorade
Pistol Pete went to medical school with Dr.J and the Professor
Pistol Petes jumpshot killed JFK
Pistol Pete proved white men can jump by jumping over the moon”
Pistol Pete was given the nickname “Pistol” because he carried a revolver in his gym shorts to intimidate opposing teams during shoot arounds. He once shot a man for double dribbling.
The Pistol shot over 66% from the 3 point line when it was introduced into the NBA while eating a ham sandwich with his other arm.
The Harlem Globetrotters only have 3 losses in over 15,000 games played. Two of those were solely at the hands of Pistol Pete when he was on the JV squad in high school (103 to 79 and 97 to 96...he had the flu in that one).”
Pistol Pete’s crossover was so filthy he had to get a tetanus shot.
Pistol Pete’s crossover was so good only Stuart Scott could see how he did it.
Pete noticed a flaw in wilt's delivery from the line before his 100-point game, when he went 28-32 from the stripe. He also had 35 assists in the game before going back to being a gleam in his pappy's eye.
Pete figured out a way to make his '67 Nova run on seawater, and was the go to guy for Red Auerbach's Cubans.
Pete got his handles from a seance with Black Jesus and the Houdini of the Hardwood, and gave his top secret hangover cure to Hot Rod Hundley.”
pistol pete once won an nba championship and got the #1 pick for his team. his team re-drafted him.
"pistol pete, why are you so awesome? you're the reason that i'm proud to be from louisiana" is what karl malone recites during every free throw.
in a best of 7 playoff series, pistol pete once came back from a 3-0 deficit to win the series 5-2.
when wilt scored 100 points, pistol pete tallied the assists.”
Pistol Pete was so good that his shadow was the runner up for National Player of the Year.....Three years after he left college.
Pistol Pete could touch MC Hammer.
The framers of the constitution gave Pistol Pete 13/8 of a vote.
Every time Pistol Pete steps on a crack, he breaks someones backboard.
Pistol Pete could turn water into gatorade, and when he played, gatorade had not been invented yet.”
Pistol Pete is called Pistol because he once killed a man with an out of control bounce pass.....
Pistol Pete's jumpshot created the baby boom of the 60's...women got turned on every time pistol hit them jumpers
Pistol Pete and Chunck Norris once played a game of one on one and no winner is yet to be named....earthquakes are the result of this epic game.....
Pistol Pete's crossover is the reason for the emergency system tests on TV.....”
Pistol Pete was such a fast, sharp, passer, that in a champion ship game he once cracked the time barrier, giving the ball to the newest sensation at center, Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln converted the two, securing Pete's assist, but failed to convert the foul shot, enraging assistant coach Booth
Now that you've read it, I decided to list all the Pistol Pete-isms that people posted. So, here they are, uncut:
a Pistol Pete spin-dribble started Hurricane Katrina
* When he ran suicides, he called them baby-makers. * He could have averaged 50 points a game, but he likes palindromes. * Shaquille O'Neal only took the name 'Diesel' because Pistol took Premium. * It wasn't March Madness until Pistol got angry. * Dick Vitale sounded like Jay Bilas until he saw Pistol's crossover. * ESPN originally stood for "Every Shot of Pistols is Notable."
Referees never called fouls on Pistol Pete; he ordered them to randomly blow their whistles to make his possessions more interesting.
Pistol Pete caused the 1977 New York blackout during a pickup game when his crossover dribble accidentally generated an electromagnetic pulse.
Pistol Pete's baby teeth grew arms and legs and eventually spawned into 7 members of the 1986 Celtics.
Pistol Pete once melted a pair of Chuck Taylors into the shape of the Virgin Mary dribbling a basketball--15 minutes later, the silhouette began producing tears.”
Pistol Pete is so fast that all his assists are to himself.
Pistol Pete doesn't break ankles, he amputates feet.
Pistol Pete didn't drop dimes, he dropped C-notes.
When Pistol Pete played, they moved the 3-point line to half court, because a 20-footer is just a layup to Pistol Pete.”
Pistol Pete never hit the rim. He swished every shot he ever took, he refused to even dunk the ball as he viewed the rim as disgusting and didn't want to touch it in any way.
if pistol pete was black they'd call him rod benson
Pistol Pete ran the 3-man weave single-handedly.
Pistol Pete racked up 21 assists in a one-on-one game.
Pistol Pete went deep into the NIT tournament despite the fact that his teammates were 7 goats and a truck tire.
Pistol Pete once had a line of 63 points, 21 assists, 18 rebounds, and 3 impregnated cheerleaders.”
Pistol Pete is a good scorer without the ball. Literally, he just stares at the ball and it goes in.
Pistol Pete's crossover is so devastating that reading about it will break your ankles. Don't believe me? Look down at your ankles right now. That's right.”
If Pistol Pete lost half his talent, they'd still say he boom got them dos!
Pistol Pete ran the triangle offense in 1 on 1 games.
Pistol Pete didn't call time outs. He stopped time.
Pistol Pete woulda averaged 57 points a game with the college three point line (that one's real).”
Pistol Pete is so fast that he makes other fast people..............seem.....umm....not..so fast.
well that sucked.”
Pistol Pete referred to practice as nap time.
Pistol Pete ate whole boxes of Wheaties in between time outs.
Pistol Pete never turned the ball over ever. The numbers that indicated otherwise on stat sheets were on the order of Pistol himself, just to show his supreme humility; one among many of his countless outstanding qualities.
Pistol Pete knows where Carmen San Diego is.”
The 3PT line wasn't ready like spaghetti for Pistol Pete
The Pistol often pissed his name onto the opposing teams locker rooms just like we piss our names into snow. Most of the floors had to be replaced becase of the seriousness of his piss' architectual damage.
Pistol Petes calander goes straight from the 31st March to the 2nd of April - No one fools pistol Pete.
Pistol Petes tears cure cancer - too bad he never cries.
When Pistol Pete does push ups he doesn't go up the world goes down.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Pistol Pete.
Pistol Pete gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Superman owns a pair of Pistol Pete pyjamas.
Pistol Pete sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparallelled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Pete spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should haveseen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The only time Pistol Pete was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”
Pistol Pete only missed shots to make you think you have a chance.
Pistol Pete once scored 50 points, during halftime.
Pistol Pete's shots vaccinate against polio.
Wilt Chamberlain was Pistol Pete standing on his own shoulders.”
Pistol Pete once dunked from the free throw line in a game ... the opponent's free throw line.
Pistol Pete never checked into the game, he just walked on and off the court whenever he felt like it.
Pistol Pete didn't try to outscore the other team, he tried to outscore both teams.
Pistol Pete's hair was a lock-down defender.”
When Pistol ran suicides he didn't touch the foul line and the midcourt line, he touched I-95, I-77, I-35...
Pistol Pete once ate an orange and started crying...and Gatorade was born
Pistol Pete once put the ball through both baskets on the same shot
Pistol Pete was Mr. Miyagi's father
During the opening tip once, the pistol grabbed the ball and made a layup before it reached maximum height
Pistol Pete could throw underhand so well, he once struck out 26 batters in a slow pitch softball game.
The only guy he didn't strike out was Chuck Norris, who flew out to center”
When Pistol Pete's shot gets cold, the inside of the rim becomes a superconductor.
The Soviet Union had an answer to Reagan's star wars defense program, they collapsed because they didn't have an answer to Pistol Pete.
When Pistol Pete played for the Jazz, they saved money on halftime entertainment. Pistol Pete would just watch other teams acts on the road and do them in costume at home. In one game, Pistol Pete had 60 points, 20 assists, and 20 rebounds in the second half, after spending most of halftime escaping from an underwater tank where he could not breathe.”
Pistol Pete's statistics started the high tech boom in America by creating a demand for more powerful adding machines.
Pistol Pete could sink a 15 lb. bowling ball from half court, while lying flat on his back.
Every woman that Wilt Chamberlin slept with had been with Pistol Pete first.
Pete Maravich played a full game at lsu with a splint on his knee. He couldn't walk so he stood the whole game at half court and scored 30 pts with 20 assists and 5 steals.”
Pistol Pete could reliably hit a three from any body position while break dancing.
Pistol Pete never missed a layup, ever, in his life. The closest shot he ever missed was a 12 foot jumper. Hurricane Camille was hitting Louisiana with 130 mph winds but Pete insisted on practicing on the outdoor court. He also missed a half court shot that day, after spending a few hours shooting.
Pistol Pete once beat Bruce Lee in a martial arts fight. Pete knocked him out with an unorthodox two handed push to the forehead. Only his fingertips touched Lee.”
pistol pete was ready before spaghetti
Pistol Pete wasn't named after a gun, guns were named after him.
When Pistol Pete ran the floor, he never traveled any distance, the distance traveled for him.
Pistol Pete didn't have ice water in his veins, your cooler has Pete's blood.”
Pistol Pete averaged 39 points and 18 dimes one season, after he retired.
The season after Pistol Pete was traded from the Jazz... He still led them in scoring.
Pistol Pete once outscored the opposing team for an entire game, at the tip off.
Pistol Pete didn't drink water during time outs, he drank souls.
Pistol Pete's socks led the league in assists.”
The reason why the 3 point line was not invented after Pistol Pete was because he would average 70 points a game
To make a great branch of steroids you need Hennessy, Cocaine, and Pistol Pete's Blood.
Pistol Pete can play and finish quarter averaging 40 points, 10 boards and 12 assists
Pistol Pete is the legitimate father of Kobe, Lebron, Chris Paul, and Michael Beasly
During the 1980 Summer Olympics the US didn't go because Pistol Pete coached the Yugoslavia team. We call that "intelligent" warfare”
Pete Maravich is most known for destroying Dick Vitale blood vessels in his neck from saying "It's Awesome BABY!"
A Pistol Pete crossover would end Shaun Livingston's life.
Pistol Pete could win a championship with three cardboard players and Gumby on his side with the 07 08 Miami Heat on the bench”
A Pistol Pete crossover would break the ankles of the entire opposing team
Pistol Pete can make a shot while double fisting beers in the owner's box
Pistol Pete is so Christ-like, a 5 year old can walk onto a D-1 team after watching his youtube instructional videos
Pistol Pete can score 40 while walking on his hands and shooting with his feet”
Any guy who had to guard Pistol Pete would become so negative that if he were in a darkroom he'd develop.
Pistol Pete never learned how to follow his own shot because he never missed any.
A spinning, no-look, between the legs bounce pass from Pistol Pete ended world hunger.
Pistol Pete brushed his teeth with brillo pads and flossed with razor blades.
Pistol Pete used to fill his jock with week-old crullers because that's how he rolls.”
Pistol Pete's homework basketball videos led the NBA in scoring and assists in 1988.
Pistol Pete wants everyone to know that he let Jerry West be the logo
Pistol Pete solved Tupac and Biggie's murders. He just doesn't want to tell you who did it.
Pistol Pete could beat Tiger Woods in a golf tournament. Nah...just kidding.”
pistol pete didn't need his team mates, his team mates needed him
pistol pete was always on fire, he caused heat waves.
his shooting was so hot, he ended the cold war.
he could dribble a bowling ball better than Skip to My Lou would handle the basketball.
pistol pete doesn't climb mountains, mountains bow down to him.
pistol pete was so good, everyone around him looked so bad.
he'd score so much points, the scorer often lost count.
his numbers were so outrageous, nobody today would've believed pistol pete was white.
to post 84: pistol pete is so good, he'll shoot a basketball in a golf hole...using a golf CLUB! 'nuff said, pete pawns the tiger”
I heard once that Pistol Pete went up for a layup that started in Times Square and he landed somewhere around Beijing, thus creating the Chinese Basketball Association.
Pistol Pete never used a gun when hunting, he spit out lead bullets and crapped Titanium-another reason they call him the Pistol.
The Army wanted to recruit the Pistol because they knew then they really could be an Army of one.
Someone once asked Pistol Pete what he thought about racism in America, he answered "I pity them racist fools" Shortly after Mr. T changed it to "I pity the fool" The royalties he got on the quote were amazing.
Pistols socks were tight when he put them on, but he was so silky smooth they instantly changed to silk and slid down, thus the floppy look.
Pistol Pete didn't really die, he had started playing ball again as a black man named Michael Jordan. The NBA decided they better kill off the Pistol before the Government started looking into it. The Pistol transcended race, gender, and time.”
For fun Pistol Pete would do his crossover in front of pregnant ladies causing the disease we now know as polio
Pistol Pete was with Moses as he was escaping from the egyptians, when faced with the red see he did a single crossover breaking the sees ankles and causing it to split.
Strangley enough in jeopardy you can answer all the questions with who is Pitol Pete”
God originally asked Noah to teach people about Pistol's arc, but Noah was too big a fool to comprehend its perfection.
Many of today's NBA players still receive assists from Pistol Pete.
By counteracting a patient's body tremors, Pistol Pete could cure Parkinson's.
Pistol Pete's cross over cause the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
When pistol pete heard people calling Jordan the G.O.A.T he rose from the grave and entered Jordan's nightmare as a monstrous basketball player crossing his airness and blocking him for hours Jordan later chronicled this ordeal in his critcally aclaimed "Space Jam"
When athletes make amazing plays time seems to slow down as God watches there acrobatic stunts in slow motion when Pistol Pete does time goes backwards as God continously rewinds his breathtaking drives causing what we now know as Deja Vu.
Pistol Pete's amazing leaps allowed him to break the space time continum. At the age of Forty he jumped and was transported to broke to 2008 where he saw the pitiful fate of the LSU basketball program, this is the real cause of his sudden heart attack. ”
Chuck Norris once challenged Pistol Pete to a 1 on 1 game. That was last time anyone had ever seen Chuck Norris
Pistol Pete can win a 7-game series in 3 games.
Pistol Pete's granny invented the granny shot.
Pistol Pete ate white chocalate and pooped out jason williams.
Pistol Petes blood is made of dimes
Pistol Pete is raefer alstons father
Pistol Pete can dribble with his penis
Pistol Pete did a crossover and went back in time and brought back chris kaman
Pistol Pete already knows how lebrons career is gonna go because hes already witnessed.
Pistol Pete is a decendant of zues
Pistol Petes crossover killed the dinasours
Pistol Petes crossover broke pangea apart.
Pistol Pete had such good vision he found america first.
Pistol Petes sweat makes gatorade
Pistol Pete went to medical school with Dr.J and the Professor
Pistol Petes jumpshot killed JFK
Pistol Pete proved white men can jump by jumping over the moon”
Pistol Pete was given the nickname “Pistol” because he carried a revolver in his gym shorts to intimidate opposing teams during shoot arounds. He once shot a man for double dribbling.
The Pistol shot over 66% from the 3 point line when it was introduced into the NBA while eating a ham sandwich with his other arm.
The Harlem Globetrotters only have 3 losses in over 15,000 games played. Two of those were solely at the hands of Pistol Pete when he was on the JV squad in high school (103 to 79 and 97 to 96...he had the flu in that one).”
Pistol Pete’s crossover was so filthy he had to get a tetanus shot.
Pistol Pete’s crossover was so good only Stuart Scott could see how he did it.
Pete noticed a flaw in wilt's delivery from the line before his 100-point game, when he went 28-32 from the stripe. He also had 35 assists in the game before going back to being a gleam in his pappy's eye.
Pete figured out a way to make his '67 Nova run on seawater, and was the go to guy for Red Auerbach's Cubans.
Pete got his handles from a seance with Black Jesus and the Houdini of the Hardwood, and gave his top secret hangover cure to Hot Rod Hundley.”
pistol pete once won an nba championship and got the #1 pick for his team. his team re-drafted him.
"pistol pete, why are you so awesome? you're the reason that i'm proud to be from louisiana" is what karl malone recites during every free throw.
in a best of 7 playoff series, pistol pete once came back from a 3-0 deficit to win the series 5-2.
when wilt scored 100 points, pistol pete tallied the assists.”
Pistol Pete was so good that his shadow was the runner up for National Player of the Year.....Three years after he left college.
Pistol Pete could touch MC Hammer.
The framers of the constitution gave Pistol Pete 13/8 of a vote.
Every time Pistol Pete steps on a crack, he breaks someones backboard.
Pistol Pete could turn water into gatorade, and when he played, gatorade had not been invented yet.”
Pistol Pete is called Pistol because he once killed a man with an out of control bounce pass.....
Pistol Pete's jumpshot created the baby boom of the 60's...women got turned on every time pistol hit them jumpers
Pistol Pete and Chunck Norris once played a game of one on one and no winner is yet to be named....earthquakes are the result of this epic game.....
Pistol Pete's crossover is the reason for the emergency system tests on TV.....”
Pistol Pete was such a fast, sharp, passer, that in a champion ship game he once cracked the time barrier, giving the ball to the newest sensation at center, Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln converted the two, securing Pete's assist, but failed to convert the foul shot, enraging assistant coach Booth
Top 5 Arcade Games
April/02/2008 03:13 PM Filed in: Random
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor
So I watched this video, which is awesome, and it reminded me of Street Fighter at the arcade. I remember the days when every arcade game cost a quarter. Well a quarter soon became fifty cents. Fifty cents soon became 75. Games went from 2-D joystick fun to sit down, stand up, Wii style action. You need a coddamn pre-paid card just to play anything anymore. I digress.
I started thinking about the best arcade games. I started thinking about all the classics. It lead me to one conclusion: that I needed to list them so you could help me reminisce about the best of the best. I decided that maybe I should do a list anyway because there are a lot of TMRB list worthy things out there. So, this will be the first list. The top 5 arcade games of all time are:
5: Pac Man
Since I'm 23 years old, people were playing Pac Man at the arcade before I knew how to spell arcade. I'm pretty sure this is my mom's favorite game, which just goes to show that Pac Man brings generations together. I honestly think she is better than me at it. I have a terrible habit of getting the coddamn power pellets too early because I'd panic if a ghost got too close.
4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Arcade Game
I'm not sure, but I think this was the first game to have four person co-op action. Whether it was or wasn't, it was still the first game to teach children all about dangerous weapons, genetics, The Renaissance, and pizza. Donatello had the long range, but slower attacks. Leonardo had the flashy sword and a non-nonsense style, while Raph and Mikey were quick and ruthless. If you got hurt, all you needed was a slice of Pizza to get you going again. If you got really hurt, you might need to find that whole pizza to save the day. Got 3 friends and 4 quarters? Take on the foot in this epic arcade game. Dont forget some extra quarters because a continue or two will be necessary to keep all four together.
3: NBA Jam
Left, Right, A, B, B, A. Left, Right, A, B, B, A. That was the code I always entered to get the full court dunks going on my SNES. The arcade version was different though. Still, you wanna talk about a great game. The graphics son!? The graphics!? No way did they have real looking faces on these players. Three makes in a row and you're on fire. Want to play as the Vancouver Grizzlies? Then it looks like you've gotta hook up with Shareef Abdur Raheem and "Big Country" Bryant Reeves. No MJ on this bad boy, but you could take BJ Armstrong and Scotty to the top if you knew what you were doing. In fact, why not enter a code and play as Frank Thomas (Chicago White Sox) and pair him with scotty. Game, set, match, bitch.
2. Street Fighter II
This may have been the first game to try to bring together all of the worlds cultures, only to have them beat the $#!T out of each other. Take it to Brazil with Blanka, keep it sexy with the Spanish flair Vega brought to the table, or fight the good fight with Guile. The odd the thing about this game was that you very rarely fought in the street. If you were Guile, you fought in front of a ship which I always referred to as the "USS Beat Down." Blanka fought in front of his jungle home. Vega was a straight up cage match waiting to happen.
Street Fighter II was the first and only game that I could never win. My Hadukens were too weak. My E-Honda fast hands were too slow. My Blank electrocution move always left me assed-out. Still, this game was so hot, they turned into a movie starting Jean Claude Van Damme. I was already inspired by Blood Sport, but then he did this, taking Street Fighter to the next level.
1: Mortal Kombat II
I still remember the day I first discovered Mortal Kombat. The fat kid that my brother was friends with had a GameBoy and brought it over one day when I was 8 years old. Next thing I know, I'm at the Arcade wasting the quarters I took from the couch trying to perfect my moves.
As good as Street Fighter was, Mortal Kombat was even better. Street Fighter proved to be conservative and dry compared to Mortal Kombat. Blood was everywhere, and fatalities changed the game forever. And let's not forget about those graphics son! The graphics!
There was no internet back then, so the only way to know about the fatalities was to buy the official Prima strategy guide. After my friend got that guide, we picked our characters based on how solid the fatalities were. Mortal Kombat introduced fatalities, but what people tend to forget about MKII is that there were now "Friendships" and "Babalities." Babalities were really, really lame, but Friendships, if executed with the right character were nothing short of amazing. I hated playing as Johnny Cage, but if I did, and I won, please believe I was gonna friendship your ass in a heartbeat. The deep voiced announcer would say "Friendship! Friendship!" Then Johnny would whip out a photo of himself, autograph it, and display it so that your opponent could know that there were no hard feelings and that you could still be a fan and a friend.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Donkey Kong, Centipede, Dance Dance Revolution, Tekken, Space Invaders, The Simpsons.
This is my list, if you think youve got a better one, don't hesitate to put it out there in comment form. Hollar.
Boom Tho Girl of the Month: February
February/21/2008 03:11 PM Filed in: BTGOM
Due to busyness on my end, I'm a little late on the new Boom Tho Girl of the month. I had planned to coordinate the "Boom Tho Girl" video with the Feb. GOTM (Girl of the Month), but sadly, I have been overwhelmed with All-Star stuff and Yahoo!
Anyways, first things first. Thanks to everyone who emailed Julia Allison my behalf. To be honest, I emailed her on my behalf as well. Somewhat surprisingly, she responded to me. Wanna know what she said? Good, I thought so:
Hi Rod!!
You're a bundle of joy. Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl
I
will put
it in my official biography, for sure.
A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually - with really
positive
comments about you!! You have a ton of fans
God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all
night
working and am more than a little loopy!!
Anyway, I think you're fabulous!
Xo
julia
Let's take a moment to analyze what just happened here. I'll go sentence by sentence.
"You're a bundle of joy" -- She is already calling me her baby. Good sign.
"Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl
I will put it in my official biography for sure
" -- She wants to let our love unfurl.
"A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually -- with really positive comments about you!! You have a ton of fans
" -- Peer pressure got to her, it would seem.
"God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all night working and am more than a little loopy!!" -- She has been uncontrollably winking and smiling all night because of me.
"Anyway, I think you're fabulous!" -- She thinks I would be the perfect father for her children, obviously.
Now that that's done, it's time to introduce the new Boom Tho GOTM. I guess I'll start with a story about her because I actually know this one, or knew her back in the day.
When I was in high school, I wasn't very big time at all. I was actually a ridiculously late bloomer as evidenced here in this very good retelling of my high school days. I always had a kind of attitude that allowed me to lie to myself and think that I was something more than I was, and that helped me to where I am now. I never settled for what I was supposed to settle for.
That being said, girls weren't exactly a different story. I could have maybe gotten with some of the riff raff (you know what I mean), but I always aspired to get with the girls that were way out of my league. Well, like Seth in "Superbad", I was fatefully partnered with a certain girl for autoshop class. She was easily one of the best looking girls out of the 3200 students at Torrey Pines High and for some reason she was partnered with me.
Needless to say I was happy to be have an opportunity to show my charisma and charm on a daily basis. We changed oil and rotated tires. We laughed about how useless most of the work was and preferred to do most our assignments on her BMW rather than on my 88 Cadillac Coupe DeVille.
I felt like we were flirtatious enough at the time for me to possibly turn a corner. You gotta understand that a facebook poke didn't exist back then, so I was gonna have to do something else if I wanted to get her to go to prom with "just enough Rod Benson". I, being the computer nerd I was (this was before computer nerds were fashionable), made a "Will you go to prom with me?" website that I was going to show her during lunch. I knew she'd say yes because I was the man.
Well, I walked her into the library where the computers were, but before we reached the computer area, the second bell rang. The second bell meant get your ass to class or else.
"What were you going to show me anyway?" she asked me.
"I'll show you later, don't worry," I responded.
Lunch ended, class began, and dreams were shattered. Right after school she was asked by somebody else. That same day I was so close, but ousted by the second lunch bell.
We continued our flirtatious ways during class and when we graduated, we agreed to meet up in LA when I played UCLA. She said she was gonna go up there to be a model. Three weeks after graduation her phone number changed and we didn't speak again.
Two years later, I was watching TV and this commercial came on:
I kept telling people things like "I used to change her oil, if you know what I mean," I don't think they even believed it in the literal way I meant it. I guess she ended up being pretty big time doing whatever it was she was doing.
So, since it's my site and I can do whatever I want with whatever I want, I've decided that she will be the second Boom Tho GOTM. Her name is Callie Garrison, and a long time ago I rotated her tires, if you know what I mean. Like I took the tires off her car and put them back on is what I mean. Now she has a boyfriend and all that, so she's not exactly ready like spaghetti. Still, she's the Old Spice girl and I'm the leader of the Boom Tho movement. Guess, I'm still a computer nerd, but it's fashionable now.
Anyways, first things first. Thanks to everyone who emailed Julia Allison my behalf. To be honest, I emailed her on my behalf as well. Somewhat surprisingly, she responded to me. Wanna know what she said? Good, I thought so:
Hi Rod!!
You're a bundle of joy. Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl
I will put
it in my official biography, for sure.
A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually - with really
positive
comments about you!! You have a ton of fans
God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all
night
working and am more than a little loopy!!
Anyway, I think you're fabulous!
Xo
julia
Let's take a moment to analyze what just happened here. I'll go sentence by sentence.
"You're a bundle of joy" -- She is already calling me her baby. Good sign.
"Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl
I will put it in my official biography for sure" -- She wants to let our love unfurl. "A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually -- with really positive comments about you!! You have a ton of fans
" -- Peer pressure got to her, it would seem. "God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all night working and am more than a little loopy!!" -- She has been uncontrollably winking and smiling all night because of me.
"Anyway, I think you're fabulous!" -- She thinks I would be the perfect father for her children, obviously.
Now that that's done, it's time to introduce the new Boom Tho GOTM. I guess I'll start with a story about her because I actually know this one, or knew her back in the day.
When I was in high school, I wasn't very big time at all. I was actually a ridiculously late bloomer as evidenced here in this very good retelling of my high school days. I always had a kind of attitude that allowed me to lie to myself and think that I was something more than I was, and that helped me to where I am now. I never settled for what I was supposed to settle for.
That being said, girls weren't exactly a different story. I could have maybe gotten with some of the riff raff (you know what I mean), but I always aspired to get with the girls that were way out of my league. Well, like Seth in "Superbad", I was fatefully partnered with a certain girl for autoshop class. She was easily one of the best looking girls out of the 3200 students at Torrey Pines High and for some reason she was partnered with me.
Needless to say I was happy to be have an opportunity to show my charisma and charm on a daily basis. We changed oil and rotated tires. We laughed about how useless most of the work was and preferred to do most our assignments on her BMW rather than on my 88 Cadillac Coupe DeVille.
I felt like we were flirtatious enough at the time for me to possibly turn a corner. You gotta understand that a facebook poke didn't exist back then, so I was gonna have to do something else if I wanted to get her to go to prom with "just enough Rod Benson". I, being the computer nerd I was (this was before computer nerds were fashionable), made a "Will you go to prom with me?" website that I was going to show her during lunch. I knew she'd say yes because I was the man.
Well, I walked her into the library where the computers were, but before we reached the computer area, the second bell rang. The second bell meant get your ass to class or else.
"What were you going to show me anyway?" she asked me.
"I'll show you later, don't worry," I responded.
Lunch ended, class began, and dreams were shattered. Right after school she was asked by somebody else. That same day I was so close, but ousted by the second lunch bell.
We continued our flirtatious ways during class and when we graduated, we agreed to meet up in LA when I played UCLA. She said she was gonna go up there to be a model. Three weeks after graduation her phone number changed and we didn't speak again.
Two years later, I was watching TV and this commercial came on:
I kept telling people things like "I used to change her oil, if you know what I mean," I don't think they even believed it in the literal way I meant it. I guess she ended up being pretty big time doing whatever it was she was doing.
So, since it's my site and I can do whatever I want with whatever I want, I've decided that she will be the second Boom Tho GOTM. Her name is Callie Garrison, and a long time ago I rotated her tires, if you know what I mean. Like I took the tires off her car and put them back on is what I mean. Now she has a boyfriend and all that, so she's not exactly ready like spaghetti. Still, she's the Old Spice girl and I'm the leader of the Boom Tho movement. Guess, I'm still a computer nerd, but it's fashionable now.
Is it O.K.?
February/20/2008 03:09 PM Filed in: Random
This is very simple. I am going to ask a question, then tell the story behind it, then ask the question again. Is it O.K.?
1. Is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while on an airplane?
I was flying somewhere recently. Since I was on the inside and there was very little room, the arm rest of lifted up. What this meant was that the guy next to me was already rubbing shoulders with me for the entire flight. I guess that's how it goes.
Well, I fell asleep and I woke up to elbow bumping me. I look over and this guy has his hands on his balls, scratching those bad boys like a coddamn scratch and sniff sticker. Guy's elbow was bumping only because of the ferocity of the ball scratch. I looked at him in the eye and waited for him to stop, but he didn't. The scratching only came to a halt when I coughed extremely loud to get his attention. Still, he didn't look like he was ashamed or sorry. He actually looked a little annoyed.
So, I ask you, is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while SCRATCHING YOUR BALLS on an airplane?
2. Is it O.K. to copy your friends business card?
Last year about this time, I thought it would be cool to have a business card that had the toomuchrodbenson.com on it. While trying to figure out what else to put on there, I decided on my phone number, email address, and "professional basketball player" for the work info. Still, I thought that it needed something more. It needed something that defined me and separated me from everyone else with the boring card.
JGant and I talked about it and he suggested that I use my MySpace display name: "The Renaissance Man". It was a great idea. I already go be that name on myspace, so why not add it to the card to give it a kick on hilarity? My final card said that I was a "Professional Basketball Player / Renaissance Man". It always gets a good reaction.
Well, a few months later, JGant called me and told me that his card had finally been ordered. I was excited because we hadn't talked about the card issue since I had gotten mine in the mail. I asked him what his looked like and he emailed me the preview picture.
J. Gant Renaissance Man
Boom Tho 415- XXX-XXXX
I was like "Jason, what the hell is this?"
"What you mean what is this?" he asked.
"I mean why does your card say that you are the renaissance man?"
"I couldn't figure out what to put so I just put that. It just works so well."
"Well, it's on my card too buddy. Now we are just team renaissance?"
"It's not like we will give them to the same people, Rod."
"Of course we will! We do all the same things with all the same people! This is ricodamdiculous right now."
The dialogue continued for a while, but it was too late. JGant and I now had the same title on our cards. Not just any title, but MY title, and a memorable ad distinguishable title at that. Great, just great.
So around new years when I was down in LA, the two of us went to AREA nightclub to get our party on. I got in before J and went right to the bar. The bartender was very attractive and flirtatious, so I stayed there for a long time. I ordered all my drinks from her and kept my dancing to that part of the club. Well when the night was done, I went to hand her my card, just in case you know, and she starts reading it.
"Is this a joke?" she asked me.
"No, no jokes here," I answered in my best 'get the girl' voice.
"Well, your friend, the other renaissance man, already gave me his card earlier."
I walked away. I kept walking until I found JGant.
"You gave her your card too! The coddamn renaissance man!"
"What you mean bro? The bartender? Oh yea, she said I had no chance so I just slid her the card real quick."
"No way. I did have a chance and the renaissance man thing killed it. I knew this was happen."
So, I ask you, is it ok to copy your friends business card?
3. Is it OK to act crazy in the street late at night?
The story behind this can be seen right here:
1. Is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while on an airplane?
I was flying somewhere recently. Since I was on the inside and there was very little room, the arm rest of lifted up. What this meant was that the guy next to me was already rubbing shoulders with me for the entire flight. I guess that's how it goes.
Well, I fell asleep and I woke up to elbow bumping me. I look over and this guy has his hands on his balls, scratching those bad boys like a coddamn scratch and sniff sticker. Guy's elbow was bumping only because of the ferocity of the ball scratch. I looked at him in the eye and waited for him to stop, but he didn't. The scratching only came to a halt when I coughed extremely loud to get his attention. Still, he didn't look like he was ashamed or sorry. He actually looked a little annoyed.
So, I ask you, is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while SCRATCHING YOUR BALLS on an airplane?
2. Is it O.K. to copy your friends business card?
Last year about this time, I thought it would be cool to have a business card that had the toomuchrodbenson.com on it. While trying to figure out what else to put on there, I decided on my phone number, email address, and "professional basketball player" for the work info. Still, I thought that it needed something more. It needed something that defined me and separated me from everyone else with the boring card.
JGant and I talked about it and he suggested that I use my MySpace display name: "The Renaissance Man". It was a great idea. I already go be that name on myspace, so why not add it to the card to give it a kick on hilarity? My final card said that I was a "Professional Basketball Player / Renaissance Man". It always gets a good reaction.
Well, a few months later, JGant called me and told me that his card had finally been ordered. I was excited because we hadn't talked about the card issue since I had gotten mine in the mail. I asked him what his looked like and he emailed me the preview picture.
J. Gant Renaissance Man
Boom Tho 415- XXX-XXXX
I was like "Jason, what the hell is this?"
"What you mean what is this?" he asked.
"I mean why does your card say that you are the renaissance man?"
"I couldn't figure out what to put so I just put that. It just works so well."
"Well, it's on my card too buddy. Now we are just team renaissance?"
"It's not like we will give them to the same people, Rod."
"Of course we will! We do all the same things with all the same people! This is ricodamdiculous right now."
The dialogue continued for a while, but it was too late. JGant and I now had the same title on our cards. Not just any title, but MY title, and a memorable ad distinguishable title at that. Great, just great.
So around new years when I was down in LA, the two of us went to AREA nightclub to get our party on. I got in before J and went right to the bar. The bartender was very attractive and flirtatious, so I stayed there for a long time. I ordered all my drinks from her and kept my dancing to that part of the club. Well when the night was done, I went to hand her my card, just in case you know, and she starts reading it.
"Is this a joke?" she asked me.
"No, no jokes here," I answered in my best 'get the girl' voice.
"Well, your friend, the other renaissance man, already gave me his card earlier."
I walked away. I kept walking until I found JGant.
"You gave her your card too! The coddamn renaissance man!"
"What you mean bro? The bartender? Oh yea, she said I had no chance so I just slid her the card real quick."
"No way. I did have a chance and the renaissance man thing killed it. I knew this was happen."
So, I ask you, is it ok to copy your friends business card?
3. Is it OK to act crazy in the street late at night?
The story behind this can be seen right here:
Funny MySpace Messages 9!
January/24/2008 02:44 PM Filed in: MySpace Messages
You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won't waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let's do it...
I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...
Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u
When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.
Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good
This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:
It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?
Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.
"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."
Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States
Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?
Moving on..
Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...
I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:
....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"
I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:
Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.
Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.
Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:
and then you could send me this:
Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":
"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:
Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.
I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.
Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....
I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.
From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM
U SEXY AS HELL
Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.
Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.
Then there were Zac and Robb...
From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM
sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla
From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM
Beautiful eyez yo!
Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?
It still only got worse for Clay:
From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM
hi sexy
"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:
"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."
Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:
For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:
Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me
There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.
Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:
Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy
Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy
Nope, still nothing...
Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?
Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?
This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.
I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):
"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"
Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:
Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:
from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water.
from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over
from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet
Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.
Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...
Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?
Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you.
OF COURSE!
I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...
Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u
When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.
Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good
This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:
It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?
Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.
"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."
Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States
Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?
Moving on..
Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...
I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:
....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"
I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:
Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.
Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.
Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:
and then you could send me this:
Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
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Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":
"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:
Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.
I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.
Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....
I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.
From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM
U SEXY AS HELL
Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.
Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.
Then there were Zac and Robb...
From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM
sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla
From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM
Beautiful eyez yo!
Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?
It still only got worse for Clay:
From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM
hi sexy
"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:
"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."
Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:
For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:
Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me
There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.
Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:
Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy
Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy
Nope, still nothing...
Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?
Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?
This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.
I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):
"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"
Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:
Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:
from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water. from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.
Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...
Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?
Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you. OF COURSE!
Boom Tho Girl of the Month
January/11/2008 02:35 PM Filed in: BTGOM
Lately I've been thinking about something. Jenna Fischer is a great woman to have as number 4 of the Boom Tho movement, but lets be realistic, she may be just a tad too big time. I mean, let's face it, I can't even get into an L.A. nightclub when I'm TRYING to buy a table. What makes me think I have the social clout to entertain Jenna Fischer?
Well, these thoughts led me to a new idea. I figure that Jenna Fischer is THE Boom Tho girl forever, like the numero uno all the time, but maybe there are other girls out there who are big time, but hopefully not too big time to respond to an email or a myspace message or something. Maybe I can list a girl who may lead a lifestyle that could lead to us meeting up one day. Is that so crazy?
I came to this conclusion one day while I was browsing the Yahoo! home page. I always look at the latest news topics and try to find stories that interest me. On this day there was a relationship article right on the front page. I think it said something about why good looking women get with ugly men. I wondered the same thing. I figured I could click on the article and learn something I didn't know. Well, when I clicked on the article, I noticed immediately who wrote it: Julia Allison. Normally it's guys like this who write these articles, but not this time.
I immediately had to find out who this girl was. Her bio said to check out her blog, JuliaAllison.com so I did. Right then I decided that she needed to be a boom tho girl. The more I found out about her writing, her T.V. correspondent work, and the fact that she dressed up as a Rubik's cube for halloween, I knew that somehow I had to make room for her on TMRB and recognize her for being an all around big time individual.
So, without further adieu, I introduce Julia Allison as the first Boom Tho girl of the month. I figure maybe I'll send her a boom tho shirt or something (oh yea, if you're looking for a shirt, I have been told they will be here in the next week...we'll see) to show how highly she is regarded. I mean, she writes for yahoo, I write for yahoo. She has a blog, I have a blog. She is on T.V., I watch T.V. I feel like this could go somewhere. If only there was like a yahoo office building. Then I could be Jim and she could be Pam and we could be good. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
Well, these thoughts led me to a new idea. I figure that Jenna Fischer is THE Boom Tho girl forever, like the numero uno all the time, but maybe there are other girls out there who are big time, but hopefully not too big time to respond to an email or a myspace message or something. Maybe I can list a girl who may lead a lifestyle that could lead to us meeting up one day. Is that so crazy?
I came to this conclusion one day while I was browsing the Yahoo! home page. I always look at the latest news topics and try to find stories that interest me. On this day there was a relationship article right on the front page. I think it said something about why good looking women get with ugly men. I wondered the same thing. I figured I could click on the article and learn something I didn't know. Well, when I clicked on the article, I noticed immediately who wrote it: Julia Allison. Normally it's guys like this who write these articles, but not this time.
I immediately had to find out who this girl was. Her bio said to check out her blog, JuliaAllison.com so I did. Right then I decided that she needed to be a boom tho girl. The more I found out about her writing, her T.V. correspondent work, and the fact that she dressed up as a Rubik's cube for halloween, I knew that somehow I had to make room for her on TMRB and recognize her for being an all around big time individual.
So, without further adieu, I introduce Julia Allison as the first Boom Tho girl of the month. I figure maybe I'll send her a boom tho shirt or something (oh yea, if you're looking for a shirt, I have been told they will be here in the next week...we'll see) to show how highly she is regarded. I mean, she writes for yahoo, I write for yahoo. She has a blog, I have a blog. She is on T.V., I watch T.V. I feel like this could go somewhere. If only there was like a yahoo office building. Then I could be Jim and she could be Pam and we could be good. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.
Sometimes The Night Aint Right
January/08/2008 02:32 PM Filed in: Dakota
I was at Buck's again walking around as usual. It was like a Wednesday or something so there was almost nobody there. I walked around with a dazed look on my face for a little while. Finally my dazed look turned into one that said "I've given up for tonight." I started thinking about whether I was going to play Madden or Halo when I got home when someone interrupted my thought process.
"Don't look at me," some girl yelled from the middle of the dance floor. My eyes refocused as I came out of my day dream. I was looking at her, completely accidentally. It hit me then that she was not worth looking at. I hate to say it, but she was just not attractive at all. She came at me with the don't look at her bit and yet I would just as quickly come back at her with the same line.... So I did.
"What?! How about you don't look at me?" I fired back. Both of us got our wish.
5 minutes later I was still there, waiting for the place to pick up a little bit. Another girl walked up to me and told me there was something on my shirt. She pointed her finger towards my chest at the spot. I looked down and sure enough her finger came up into my face like we were in third grade. Seriously. While she was playfully laughing, I walked away. No way was I going to stand for such games.
Now it really was time to leave. I started heading towards the door when someone grabbed my hand. I turned around and looked down to see a 60 year old woman looking back up at me. Maybe she wasn't 60, but coddamn she was old regardless.
"Do you want to dance?" she asked me.
The night had already been ridiculous enough in the last 30 minutes, I guess I could at least dance one song with her to be nice.
"Sure. Why not?"
She walked me over to the dance floor. I grabbed her hands and proceeded to dance with her like anyone would dance with a woman 3 times their age. I danced with her like she was my grandmother. Straight up ball room dance style. I don't really know the waltz, but this was as close as I could get to waltz style dancing.
Granny and I continued this style for a couple minutes, then, out of nowhere, she turned around and attempted to break me off like a 50 Cent video girl. I rarely ever feel ashamed on the dance floor, but this was an exception. I couldn't believe this old woman was doing this. I especially couldn't believe she was doing this to ME. After my shock wore off, I turned and walked away from the dance floor. It was just too much.
She followed me and grabbed my hand again.
"Please please please dance with me for another song. Please?"
Now was the real decision time. It was obvious that she wanted more than a dance now. There was no way I was going to do anything more than dance, and I definitely had no intention of dancing like that. Why head back out there with her? What would I have to gain?
Right then I threw my camera to my teammate and told him to record what was about to happen. I decided I would dance so ridiculously and at such an absurd pace that she couldn't handle it. I figured I could always watch the video and laugh at the most seductive dancing that will ever occur between myself and someone with an AARP card. Well, at least until I have my own card if you know what I mean.
We headed back over to the dance floor. Right before we started up again, she slipped a piece of paper with her phone number on it into my hand. Gross. That almost stopped me, but I looked over at my teammates who assured me that the show must go on. It did:
How old is too old these days? I mean there has always been a kind of man fantasy to get the older girl, but seriously, this is way too old. The fact that she thought it was O.K. was ridiculous. The fact that I went along with it was preposterous. The fact that nobody there found it unusual is almost upsetting. Either way I skipped right out to the van and left right after the display. I've been told that she then gave her number to another guy on my team. Gross. Just gross.
"Don't look at me," some girl yelled from the middle of the dance floor. My eyes refocused as I came out of my day dream. I was looking at her, completely accidentally. It hit me then that she was not worth looking at. I hate to say it, but she was just not attractive at all. She came at me with the don't look at her bit and yet I would just as quickly come back at her with the same line.... So I did.
"What?! How about you don't look at me?" I fired back. Both of us got our wish.
5 minutes later I was still there, waiting for the place to pick up a little bit. Another girl walked up to me and told me there was something on my shirt. She pointed her finger towards my chest at the spot. I looked down and sure enough her finger came up into my face like we were in third grade. Seriously. While she was playfully laughing, I walked away. No way was I going to stand for such games.
Now it really was time to leave. I started heading towards the door when someone grabbed my hand. I turned around and looked down to see a 60 year old woman looking back up at me. Maybe she wasn't 60, but coddamn she was old regardless.
"Do you want to dance?" she asked me.
The night had already been ridiculous enough in the last 30 minutes, I guess I could at least dance one song with her to be nice.
"Sure. Why not?"
She walked me over to the dance floor. I grabbed her hands and proceeded to dance with her like anyone would dance with a woman 3 times their age. I danced with her like she was my grandmother. Straight up ball room dance style. I don't really know the waltz, but this was as close as I could get to waltz style dancing.
Granny and I continued this style for a couple minutes, then, out of nowhere, she turned around and attempted to break me off like a 50 Cent video girl. I rarely ever feel ashamed on the dance floor, but this was an exception. I couldn't believe this old woman was doing this. I especially couldn't believe she was doing this to ME. After my shock wore off, I turned and walked away from the dance floor. It was just too much.
She followed me and grabbed my hand again.
"Please please please dance with me for another song. Please?"
Now was the real decision time. It was obvious that she wanted more than a dance now. There was no way I was going to do anything more than dance, and I definitely had no intention of dancing like that. Why head back out there with her? What would I have to gain?
Right then I threw my camera to my teammate and told him to record what was about to happen. I decided I would dance so ridiculously and at such an absurd pace that she couldn't handle it. I figured I could always watch the video and laugh at the most seductive dancing that will ever occur between myself and someone with an AARP card. Well, at least until I have my own card if you know what I mean.
We headed back over to the dance floor. Right before we started up again, she slipped a piece of paper with her phone number on it into my hand. Gross. That almost stopped me, but I looked over at my teammates who assured me that the show must go on. It did:
How old is too old these days? I mean there has always been a kind of man fantasy to get the older girl, but seriously, this is way too old. The fact that she thought it was O.K. was ridiculous. The fact that I went along with it was preposterous. The fact that nobody there found it unusual is almost upsetting. Either way I skipped right out to the van and left right after the display. I've been told that she then gave her number to another guy on my team. Gross. Just gross.