MySpace Messages
Just One Funny MySpace Message
July/23/2009 09:29 PM
MySpace is nearly dead these days and it really hinders my “Funny MySpace Msgs” section on my site, however this gem just came up and KILLED me. Seriously. I have no words.... The msg was sent to Clay and he forwarded it to me, saying that all he gets is msgs from gay men now for no reason. I had no idea EXACTLY what he meant.
From: The King Of Gay Music
To: absolute -- twitter.com/claytyclay
Date: Jul 20, 2009 6:52 AM
Subject:
Sup.. did u see i was on Mediatakeout the other day?
Headlines as the Gay Rapper and they showed my video..
so now mainstream america views me as "THY" Gay Rapper.. I Love it.. here is My controversial Video
and Link to the site
Addicted 2 Boyz
From: The King Of Gay Music
To: absolute -- twitter.com/claytyclay
Date: Jul 20, 2009 6:52 AM
Subject:
Sup.. did u see i was on Mediatakeout the other day?
Headlines as the Gay Rapper and they showed my video..
so now mainstream america views me as "THY" Gay Rapper.. I Love it.. here is My controversial Video
and Link to the site
Addicted 2 Boyz
|
Funny MySpace Messages 10
October/15/2008 05:34 AM
{Go back and check out installments 1-9 if you haven’t already}
It’s been quite a while since the last “Funny MySpace Messages” dropped, but that’s ok. I think you’ll find the same craziness here that you’re accustomed to finding in my MySpace inbox. In addition to my messages, I’ve got a couple of Clay’s and a even one of Prelle’s. Let’s do it.
I’ll start if off with a girl who was featured in the last installment. She, like so many others, just would NOT STOP with the messages. I just don’t understand why a person would keep sending messages over months and months. Well, “Irene a.k.a. ‘sex big mommy’” and I don’t see eye to eye on this because, in addition to the messages she sent me before, she sent me these as well:
No Subject
Body:
hello sup with you??
Then, 2 months later:
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
How many times can you say hello before someone wants to gag your face (see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)? The lack of interest on my part is clear. There is no answer, therefore there should be no more questions. It aint hard to see why:
Her makeup container is empty for a reason... it’s all on her FACE.
Anyway, the sexy big mommy was a little too much big mommy for me, but I do commend her for using an appropriate display name. One that described her as well as she believed it could. The next girl had a display name that I had to laugh at.
Meet “WARNING- U COULD FALL INLOVE”:
Hahaha no way did I read that name, then see this picture, then laugh so hard that tears came rolling down my face. I guess the laughter wasn’t all about the picture above,
or this picture,
or this picture.
It was a combination of all of that and the message I got:
Jun 24 2008 2:10 PM
whuts gd sweety....stoppin throu showin sum sexy luv wit chocolate over it....hope u return it
I had never been offered “sexy luv wit chocolate over it” before, but ,upon receiving my first taste, I realized that I COULD fall in love...
PSYCH!
Then there was “Nay Nay.”
“Nay Nay” sent me this:
Subject: Yo daddy
Body:
Can I be in your tops
The queen bitch
This is “Nay Nay”:
I’m just going to ask a series of questions and you can do your best to answer, because I have no clue.
1. Is she the queen of the Bitches?
2. What is she wearing, a sheet?
3. Does she have on matching socks?
4. Is she even a she?
5. What are these poses all about?
6. Seriously, these poses are kind of scary, right?
7. Who took these pictures?
8. Did the person who took the pictures approve of such poses?
9. A random cable cord??
10. What is this room? I’d guess laundry, but its too skinny. Seriously, the cable cord throws me way off.
11. Mop?
Thanks for your help.
I’ll take this time to showcase some of Clay’s strange MySpace stalkers. These people must not know that Clay is not a contender to win the “Dance Off,” because they love him... Especially the males. Like DL DUDE:
He sent some simple message that I can no longer find, but it was definitely of the “hollar” variety. Then I found this on his “About Me”:
Wuz good myspace...um im really 17, I'M A BOTTOM..n im reall bullsh*t intolerant...i dont f*cc wit fakez...cuz im not...iText™...get at me for the number..my real page..or anything else
Clay gets hit on by underage men more than any 24 year old straight man on earth not wearing a dress in the Castro. He’s not homophobic, and neither am I, but we just can’t figure it out. Well, I think Clay may have had a heart attack when he saw the message from “LET IT RAIN ON ME”:
From: LET IT RAIN ON ME
Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:49 PM
yo wats gud thankx 4 da add u sexy ass hell ill let u hite it from da back and in any way u wnt it dats how sexy u are
I was drinking water while reading that message for the first time. I clearly had a gag reaction and spit all the water out of my mouth, barely dodging my laptop screen but dousing the food that was on the table next to me. I don’t even think any further commentary is necessary on that one. Just wow. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or overweight, that’s a lot to send a stranger over the internet.
The last thing Clay forwarded to me was just a photo that someone posted as a comment of his page that he thought was weird:
I think it’s weird too, Clay. I think it’s weird too.
Back to my messages. I got a male message too, although it had nothing to do with a sexual advance. It was from “Mattney.” He actually felt so compelled to say it that he posted the same comment TWICE.
"you is a fake ass gilbert arenas you dont even play in the nba...."
Oh man here we go again. It’s like how stupid do you have to be, guy? You come to my page, click on my photos, find a D-League photo and comment that on it? You must not have a life.
I looked at his page for a second and realized that he indeed, does not.
For starters, find a new pose, a new hat, and some new wallpaper. “You fake ass thug, you don’t even live in New York.”
This was his “About Me”:
ha namez Matthew or but i go by matt or mattney Im pretty much a chilled person and tymez i can be funny and crazy and i lyke to go to parties i also lyke hanging out with my friendz and im not fully white im mixed wit some things and god comes first in my life then my familia then my friendz cause they are wat keeps me goin everyday... my sports are track,football,and basketball,and im a junior at pearland highschool and i dislike drama so dont bring ur drama to me if u want to know more hit me wit a msg or a cmmt...
Secondly, Mr run-on-sentence, putting a Y instead of an I makes you lame. Claiming that you’re not fully white doesn’t justify the use weird abbreviations and writing on a keyboard like you’re texting you some other lame high schooler.
Lastly, if you dislike drama, don’t go on a grown man’s page, wearing that effing shirt (once again, see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall), during recess, if you REALLY have something better to do. Clearly you don’t. The end. Eat a fruit roll up and STFU.
I’ll leave you all with the first message that Prelle has sent to me. I think it’s TMRB worthy. You have to remember that Prelle was a model on the “Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” TV show for two seasons. Therefore, he does have quite a few fans. Here is the best fan message in my opinion. It was from “Rasheen”:
HEY
Body:
HEY CHRISTIAN ...
HOW ARE U DOING???
MY NAME IS RASHEEN P****...
IM 15 YEARS OF AGE...
I'm a freshman AT NEW WORLD SCHOOL OF THE ARTS..
IN MIAMI FL.
I MAJOR IN DANCE...
I LOVE YOU AND THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING SHOW...
I WONT TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL SOME DAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOU..
I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU SAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO MODEL WITH YOU SOME DAY..
WHEN I GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL....
SO CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOME TIPS TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL????
YOU CAN CALL ME MY NUMBER IS *** *** ****
OR YOU CAN E MAIL *****@BELLSOUTH. NET
Is this for real? Would he really do ANYTHING prelle said? Does he really want to be an underwear model at age 15? Did he really think Prelle would call him? I know he majors in dance, but do they teach English at that school too?
I guess it’s just the way an aspiring underwear model does things.
Until next time... The End.
It’s been quite a while since the last “Funny MySpace Messages” dropped, but that’s ok. I think you’ll find the same craziness here that you’re accustomed to finding in my MySpace inbox. In addition to my messages, I’ve got a couple of Clay’s and a even one of Prelle’s. Let’s do it.
I’ll start if off with a girl who was featured in the last installment. She, like so many others, just would NOT STOP with the messages. I just don’t understand why a person would keep sending messages over months and months. Well, “Irene a.k.a. ‘sex big mommy’” and I don’t see eye to eye on this because, in addition to the messages she sent me before, she sent me these as well:
No Subject
Body:
hello sup with you??
Then, 2 months later:
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
How many times can you say hello before someone wants to gag your face (see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)? The lack of interest on my part is clear. There is no answer, therefore there should be no more questions. It aint hard to see why:
Her makeup container is empty for a reason... it’s all on her FACE.
Anyway, the sexy big mommy was a little too much big mommy for me, but I do commend her for using an appropriate display name. One that described her as well as she believed it could. The next girl had a display name that I had to laugh at.
Meet “WARNING- U COULD FALL INLOVE”:
Hahaha no way did I read that name, then see this picture, then laugh so hard that tears came rolling down my face. I guess the laughter wasn’t all about the picture above,
or this picture,
or this picture.
It was a combination of all of that and the message I got:
Jun 24 2008 2:10 PM
whuts gd sweety....stoppin throu showin sum sexy luv wit chocolate over it....hope u return it
I had never been offered “sexy luv wit chocolate over it” before, but ,upon receiving my first taste, I realized that I COULD fall in love...
PSYCH!
Then there was “Nay Nay.”
“Nay Nay” sent me this:
Subject: Yo daddy
Body:
Can I be in your tops
The queen bitch
This is “Nay Nay”:
I’m just going to ask a series of questions and you can do your best to answer, because I have no clue.
1. Is she the queen of the Bitches?
2. What is she wearing, a sheet?
3. Does she have on matching socks?
4. Is she even a she?
5. What are these poses all about?
6. Seriously, these poses are kind of scary, right?
7. Who took these pictures?
8. Did the person who took the pictures approve of such poses?
9. A random cable cord??
10. What is this room? I’d guess laundry, but its too skinny. Seriously, the cable cord throws me way off.
11. Mop?
Thanks for your help.
I’ll take this time to showcase some of Clay’s strange MySpace stalkers. These people must not know that Clay is not a contender to win the “Dance Off,” because they love him... Especially the males. Like DL DUDE:
He sent some simple message that I can no longer find, but it was definitely of the “hollar” variety. Then I found this on his “About Me”:
Wuz good myspace...um im really 17, I'M A BOTTOM..n im reall bullsh*t intolerant...i dont f*cc wit fakez...cuz im not...iText™...get at me for the number..my real page..or anything else
Clay gets hit on by underage men more than any 24 year old straight man on earth not wearing a dress in the Castro. He’s not homophobic, and neither am I, but we just can’t figure it out. Well, I think Clay may have had a heart attack when he saw the message from “LET IT RAIN ON ME”:
From: LET IT RAIN ON ME
Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:49 PM
yo wats gud thankx 4 da add u sexy ass hell ill let u hite it from da back and in any way u wnt it dats how sexy u are
I was drinking water while reading that message for the first time. I clearly had a gag reaction and spit all the water out of my mouth, barely dodging my laptop screen but dousing the food that was on the table next to me. I don’t even think any further commentary is necessary on that one. Just wow. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or overweight, that’s a lot to send a stranger over the internet.
The last thing Clay forwarded to me was just a photo that someone posted as a comment of his page that he thought was weird:
I think it’s weird too, Clay. I think it’s weird too.
Back to my messages. I got a male message too, although it had nothing to do with a sexual advance. It was from “Mattney.” He actually felt so compelled to say it that he posted the same comment TWICE.
"you is a fake ass gilbert arenas you dont even play in the nba...."
Oh man here we go again. It’s like how stupid do you have to be, guy? You come to my page, click on my photos, find a D-League photo and comment that on it? You must not have a life.
I looked at his page for a second and realized that he indeed, does not.
For starters, find a new pose, a new hat, and some new wallpaper. “You fake ass thug, you don’t even live in New York.”
This was his “About Me”:
ha namez Matthew or but i go by matt or mattney Im pretty much a chilled person and tymez i can be funny and crazy and i lyke to go to parties i also lyke hanging out with my friendz and im not fully white im mixed wit some things and god comes first in my life then my familia then my friendz cause they are wat keeps me goin everyday... my sports are track,football,and basketball,and im a junior at pearland highschool and i dislike drama so dont bring ur drama to me if u want to know more hit me wit a msg or a cmmt...
Secondly, Mr run-on-sentence, putting a Y instead of an I makes you lame. Claiming that you’re not fully white doesn’t justify the use weird abbreviations and writing on a keyboard like you’re texting you some other lame high schooler.
Lastly, if you dislike drama, don’t go on a grown man’s page, wearing that effing shirt (once again, see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall), during recess, if you REALLY have something better to do. Clearly you don’t. The end. Eat a fruit roll up and STFU.
I’ll leave you all with the first message that Prelle has sent to me. I think it’s TMRB worthy. You have to remember that Prelle was a model on the “Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” TV show for two seasons. Therefore, he does have quite a few fans. Here is the best fan message in my opinion. It was from “Rasheen”:
HEY
Body:
HEY CHRISTIAN ...
HOW ARE U DOING???
MY NAME IS RASHEEN P****...
IM 15 YEARS OF AGE...
I'm a freshman AT NEW WORLD SCHOOL OF THE ARTS..
IN MIAMI FL.
I MAJOR IN DANCE...
I LOVE YOU AND THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING SHOW...
I WONT TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL SOME DAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOU..
I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU SAY...
I WOULD LOVE TO MODEL WITH YOU SOME DAY..
WHEN I GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL....
SO CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOME TIPS TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL????
YOU CAN CALL ME MY NUMBER IS *** *** ****
OR YOU CAN E MAIL *****@BELLSOUTH. NET
Is this for real? Would he really do ANYTHING prelle said? Does he really want to be an underwear model at age 15? Did he really think Prelle would call him? I know he majors in dance, but do they teach English at that school too?
I guess it’s just the way an aspiring underwear model does things.
Until next time... The End.
Funny MySpace Messages 9!
January/24/2008 02:44 PM
You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won't waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let's do it...
I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...
Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u
When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.
Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good
This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:
It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?
Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.
"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."
Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States
Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?
Moving on..
Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...
I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:
....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"
I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:
Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.
Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.
Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:
and then you could send me this:
Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":
"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:
Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.
I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.
Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....
I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.
From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM
U SEXY AS HELL
Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.
Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.
Then there were Zac and Robb...
From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM
sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla
From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM
Beautiful eyez yo!
Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?
It still only got worse for Clay:
From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM
hi sexy
"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:
"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."
Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:
For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:
Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me
There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.
Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:
Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy
Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy
Nope, still nothing...
Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?
Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?
This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.
I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):
"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"
Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:
Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:
from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water.
from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over
from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet
Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.
Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...
Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?
Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you.
OF COURSE!
I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...
Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u
When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.
Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good
This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:
It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?
Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.
"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."
Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States
Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?
Moving on..
Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...
I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:
....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"
I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:
Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.
Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.
Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:
and then you could send me this:
Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .
Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":
"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:
Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.
I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.
Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....
I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.
From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM
U SEXY AS HELL
Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.
Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.
Then there were Zac and Robb...
From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM
sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla
From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM
Beautiful eyez yo!
Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?
It still only got worse for Clay:
From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM
hi sexy
"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:
"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."
Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:
For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:
Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me
There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.
Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:
Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy
Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy
Nope, still nothing...
Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?
Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.
Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?
This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.
I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):
"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"
Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:
Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:
from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water. from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.
Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...
Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?
Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you. OF COURSE!
Funny MySpace Messages 8!
October/30/2007 01:39 PM
Although I personally feel that there have been funnier messages in some of the past editions, I don't think any have compared to the ridiculousness (except for the greatest story ever told) found in numero ocho. This edition may anger you as much as it will fill you with joy and laughter. As always, you will be the judge of such things.
I'll kick off 8th edition of Funny MySpace Messages with a couple people who just won't let it go. These are people who I DO NOT reply to and still they continue to blow me up with messages. Like this guy:
He must have taken his other picture off his page. It showed how skinny he is. I honestly think he is required by law to ride in a booster seat because he weighs under 40lbs. Im not exaggerating one bit. Regardless, he sent me another long winded message months after the first two messages he sent to me went unanswered...
Subject: Only in Hollywood...
Body: Hey there,
How's it going? It's been a while... thought I'd send you a note. I had a bizarre experience recently that I thought you might find interesting as a fellow tall guy.
A producer I had met a while back when I composed a few tracks for her short film called me the other day. She had a mutual friend who was doing casting for a commercial, and was looking for guys who are 6'6" on up (the taller the better), and skinny. So, my friend naturally thought of me... and referred me to the casting director. I spoke with her, and she said she absolutely wanted me to show up for an audition and an on-screen test.
I'm NOT an actor at all... but I thought, what the hell? It might be fun. And it was being worked in a way that one didn't necessarily have to be a member of SAG to be in the commercial.
I was a little nervous because I'm literally 6' 5 1/4"... but I figured I was close enough, and geez... how many 6'6" and taller skinny guys were they going to find? And at 125 lbs., they don't get much smaller-built than I am.
Well... I show up... and the waiting room was filled with 34 guys, and I WAS the shortest one there! Only in Hollywood, right? Wild!
I was also the skinniest... there were only two other men who weighed less than 200 lbs. But not much less... the next lightest after me was a 6'9" guy who was 190 lbs. And maybe, yeah, he was skinny for his height and frame size. But, geez... 65 lbs. is BIG size difference even if he is nearly 4" taller. So he looked like the Incredible Hulk in comparison to me when they made us stand next to each other doing camera and photo tests.
And that turned out to be the biggest problem for me... I was eventually told that I was TOO small-built in comparison to the other guys. They needed to cast 4 men who were fairly close in height and size, and all the other guys were a lot bigger than I am. And I was too short, too... the men they finally cast were 6'10" - 7'1" and in the 220- 240 lbs. range. If you ask me, they didn't look skinny at all... more just like lanky but muscular basketball player types. But I guess "skinny" is a relative term, and I just kind of threw everyone's preconceived notions out the window!
But, whatever... it was an interesting experience, and that's all I was really expecting of it.
OH... the tallest guy there was 7'4"! But he was 330 lbs., and although he insisted he was skinny for his frame-size... the guy was huge next to everyone else. Again, all a matter of relative perspective, I guess.
You should have seen THAT camera test... with him at 7'4" and 330 lbs. standing next to me at a little over 6'5" and 125 lbs. He looked like he could swallow me whole for a snack. LOL
We compared shoe sizes, too... mine at size 8 narrow, and his at size 22 EEEE! I told him I didn't envy his having to find shoes that fit. He told me he didn't envy the fact that size small t-shirts fit me like a tent.
Touche.
~David
This may be your first time ever reading one of my MySpace messages. You may find this to be ridiculous. It is. The problem here is that I DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY. I think he wants me to pretend that we are long time friends or something.
Let's pretend that I was his friend. My response would probably go something like "Wow! Mann you're right! Only in Hollywood! How in the world could you have been the shortest one!? It must be something in the water out here man. Still, so awesome for you. I am totally hyped to hear that. Size 22 shoes? I would never have imagined!"
Now, let's go through how I really feel. Dog, eat some food. There is no logical excuse for you to be 36 years old and 125 lbs at 6'5". I know there's something you like to eat. Porterhouse is a good start. Have a twinkie or two with your breakfast. Do something. It's cool that you're doing your hollywood thing, but try to understand that although I am usually slow to return my messages (it can take weeks), if you still havent gotten a reply to these long winded ramblings in 8 months, it's not gonna happen. Lastly, I am 6 10, 227 myself. Nothing about that story shocked me.
If I still had access to the other pics of his, you would see just how skinny he really is. He's like Sally Struther's only white somalian ever.
Well when it comes to repeat messages nobody does it like Sweet Ann. Since I first got a msg from her nearly a year ago, she has not stopped. Seriously, read any of my last 4 myspace posts and you will find her in every one.
"Hey u wat's up! Just wanted to stop by your page to show u some love.. So how is everything be side work. I haven't seen u on line lately. Guess what I'm not on Guam I'm on vaction here in California at my cousin place Rosmond. Where do u stay at in California hopefully we can met up with each other, I really want met u in person. So hopefully I'll be in San Diego for wedding on Aug 11, send me a comment back ok.. Well got to go now take care and be safe.
"Hey u wat's up, just wanted to holla back at u. It's been such a long time since the last time I chatted with u. So how have u been and work and all.. Hope everything is good with u any way u know what to do holla back at your gurl!!
Antoinette
"Hey u long time no see, wat's up! With u these days hope everything is going good with u, dam still looking good to me. Well just take care and be safe now u here...
Sweetann
There is no logical explanation for this. Maybe she has tricked herself into thinking that we had something long ago when we didn't. I did message her one time, to tell her that I was part of the ship crew that caught the largest squid ever off the coast of Fiji. Cmon now! Get the joke already. At this point I can't even feel bad anymore. At some point you have to watch some Oprah. She has internet scam people on there all the time. Women, just like you, who fell for fake guys on the internet and gave up credit card info among other things. Lucky for you I just write about it and I'm not out buying XBOX 360 games on your Master Card!
We are off to a very good start right now. Let's keep it going, shall we?
This next girl is also a repeat message girl. I don't remember her past messages, but I guess I could have easily overlooked them.
No Subject
Body: whats up again, and thanx for the add....I guess my message was lame since u aint hit me back up, maybe I need to recheck my game......lol
Like I said, I usually read everything. Sometimes I do forget to reply to a message, so I decided to check her out and make sure I didn't make a mistake...
Status: In a Relationship
Orientation: Straight
Hometown: Reykjavik, Iceland
Body type: 5' 4"
Religion: Christian - other
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Smoke / Drink: No / Yes
Children: Proud parent
Education: Grad / professional school
OK. Let's break this down. Let's look at the reasons why I didn't reply to her. Foot on the bed picture? No thanks. Arm that looks stronger than mine? Can't do it. In a relationship? No can do. She has a kid and she's from a town in Iceland that has like 32 consonants in it.
It wasn't your game, I'm afraid. It was simply the fact that I don't want to fly out to Iceland (which is really green according to D2: The Mighty Ducks are Back), bring Mr. Frommer with me to find whatever the hell your town is called, bring my baseball bat to fight your boyfriend who I assume is bigger than you, making him bigger than me, drop off a box of Capri Sun's for your kid to keep him busy and still find you unattractive because you have a pouty looking face with your foot on the bed. Sorry.
At least she made an effort to write something. I got too tired of the html comments that people were leaving for me. This one was the final straw:
When I saw this, I did not think about how sweet my lips may or not be. I immediately thought it was just weird. Why? Why send this? Why post this on my page?
This is her, smiling, finding other comments such as "Hey Hot Pants" and "Hello Pretty Toes". Seriously, I don't need that in my life.. I can't deal with all that right now.
I also couldn't deal with a woman by the display name of "Mrs. Gorgeous". She snuck one more animated html thing on my comments before I had a chance to turn them off.
Coddamit, stop it with these things. I dont know why they keep coming. Especially from girls like this:
When I saw her pic, I thought to myself that I wouldn't exactly call her Mrs. GORGEOUS. That's when I saw this on her page:
Right back at ya! Am I being mean? I would have thought so until I saw her other pic:
Yep. That's what I deal with all the time on MySpace. Everyday I do.
Even with all of that, there are messages that get worse.
Like these, all from a MAN.
wuss good Renaissance man
Body: finnally get to thank you for the add wut u up too this late? and im stealing your page layout LOL
Subject: SD
Body: u in san diego with that smile hit me up lets party
Subject: basketball
Body: u coming to sd to get down or what i know u wanna cum wit me/
I didnt put up a photo of this guy because he lives in San Diego and he might actually be straight and he might just come find me and beat my ass. Can't take any chances. Maybe I can just flaunt my smile and he will calm down!
Besides, why put up a pic of him when I can put up photo's of Clayton's admirers instead. Like Robert:
recognizin your page..
thanxs for the add....hope to hear from ya soon..
robert
illinois
waitin on ur response...
ok, i said thanxs for the add. havent heard from ya in 3 or 4 attempts.. why add me; if you didnt want a friend... i am meeting brothas and sistas from all over the U.S. if this isnt you. then delete me....
robert
illinois
ok it goin to be like that!!!!
thats cool,
robert
illinois
its ur call...
robert
illinois
Looks like this calm needs to calm down. It's like he can't go on with approval from Clayton who has 11,000 other friends. I don't care if youre straight or gay or whatever, that kind of persistence is downright unnecessary. Seriously man, start a second life or something. That way you can create yourself, you can create Clay, heck, you can even create me. Then you can have hours of fun replying to messages that normally would go unanswered.
Still not as bad as guy #2. Even with editing, it is gross and you may want to skip ahead:
Are you Gay or Bi?
How can a guy like me be on your team?
How big is your d--k?
Do you like big d--ks?
How old are you?
Do you like Black guys?
Do you have any kids?
Do you have you own house?
Do you have a cell phone?
What type cell phone do you have and who is it by!
Do you want kids?
Do you s--k d--k?
Do you e-t a-s?
Do you s--k d--k well?
Do you like Whitney Houston?
Do you have a car?
Do you have a job?
Do you family know about you?
Do you go to church?
Do you love having sex?
Do you like sexy ass Thugs?
What makes you happy?
What makes you mad?
Where is your boy friend at?
Where do you see your self in five years?
Where do you live at?
Who is Jesus?
Sexy are you a top?
Sexy are you a bottom?
Can I see some of your pics?
Can a guy get your number?
Can your boy get your name?
YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT!
I do have a question for this dude: What the hell is wrong with you? Does this work? Have you ever been in an institution mental or otherwise? Does your dad know what youre up to? Do you have any shame? Are you related to Dennis Rodman? WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE NO STRAIGHT OPTION AT THE TOP OF THIS LIST???
Talk about things that are hard to deal with. A message like that is never well received. It doesn't matter if it's from a man or woman, like "Thick and Sexy" here:
She sent me this.. I changed all the F words to "Do":
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
Body:
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
There is @ least 1 person on ur myspace list that wants 2 do the hell out of u. So lets play the do or pass game! The rules r simple...if u want 2 do the person who posts this send them a message saying yep, Id do you!!!!!!!!!!!! Scared? This s--ts funny cuz there is @ least 1 person on ur list who wants 2 do u.
and this
Subject:
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Body:
waz up sexxi just showin some luv to all my friends online starting wit the cutest ones and guess what your #1
"IN LOVE AND LOVIN IT"
FEMALE
17 YEARS OLD
PHILLY, PENNSYLVANIA
UNITED STATE
Please please please please tell me that I was not sent that first message because she wants to do me that bad. Please please please please tell me that I am not her cutest friend in the world which would have to include the boyfriend she's in love with who has no problems dating big girls. Please tell me that she is not 17. It is a sad, strange world when the only people who want to do you are men and overweight, underage, foul mouths who are in love with someone else.
The next girl has a display name called "Lady Skeet". Really? Lady Skeet? C'mon now girl. You gotta know what skeet means...don't you?
hey i know idk u and u dont know much about me but imma star featuring ppl on my profile. something like person of the week would u be ok if u get picked that i took one of ur pictures to put it up on my profile?
After I wasted 2 minutes of my day trying to read this message, I decided not to reply. Even if I say no she would take it as an invitation to talk unless I said it in a very rude tone. Not good. Then, I got this:
"oh i thought it was somebody else.lol
ur adams apple attracted my eyes.
...and ur smile did too.=]
You can't be serious right now. My ADAMS APPLE attracted your eyes? That is ricodamdiculous. Why would would you send me this? Who else could it be? Mr Adams McApple? Is that what you thought? I came to the conclusion that she didnt quite know what she was saying. Why? Because this was on her profile:
Status:
In a Relationship
Here for:
Networking, Friends
Orientation:
Straight
Hometown:
yemem.lol
Body type:
5' 8" / More to love!
Ethnicity:
Latino / Hispanic
Religion:
Catholic
Zodiac Sign:
Aquarius
Children:
Someday
Education:
In college
Occupation:
kickin ass
"yea we all know everyone is unique but
im above and beyond.
im intelligent. i study the dictionary.
i have extremely high standars. its not what u think. im not high maintenance, boo-G or flashy.
im not gonna say that im poor, cuz im not. i can get it but it not important or necessary.
Dont ever make fun of or have a look of disgust at the mentally ill or others that dont look like u. they're still humans.
i dont settle for mediocre. dont know what that means??go find out.
yes i have a filthy mouth [vulgar language]. but their not the only words i know."
She cant be serious about studying the coddamn dictionary. People who study the dictionary don't immediately follow "I study the dictionary" with "I dont have high standars." I guess she assumes I don't know what mediocrity is. I can tell her. It's called her myspace page. In fact, it's probably sub-par. Yea, sub-par. It's in the dictionary right before "they're", a contraction meaning they are. Seriously, I should have expected this from a girl who spends her time kickin ass and using [vulgar language]. Maybe the fact that she never changes her face could have been a tell all:
Her mom told her what would happen. She said "Skeet, if you keep making that face, it's gonna stay like that!" Skeet didn't listen, now look at her.
The never changing of the face thing was real big with "SweetHeart" too. She seemed innocent enough by her message:
hey handsome, how u doin
I mean, I had no intention of replying anyways, but I still gave her page a look:
Notice anything here? Oh yea, how about she is the female Zoolander. All she's got is blue steel huh? She should work on that. I mean, I only gave you a 4 pic sample, there are 30 pictures that are all exactly like these. Yes, I know exactly what she looks like hair down, smirking, from the left. Not enough to get a reply. I wouldn't anyways, but let's pretend I was somebody who would.
Anyways, its still not that bad, but I wonder how she had the audacity to send me a msg considering I found this in her profile:
"I could be VERY paranoid. I would like to think im a little funny.. I'm really mean and stuck up to those who deserve it. i cant stand black girls, you will probably think I'm racist, but I'm just honest, brutally honest. I have no patience for bitches whatsoever!"
Why in the world would I hit you back when u say some crazy stuff like that? You have two things to learn: how to take a different picture and how to develop some social tolerance.
She was not the worst by far. I left the photo of this next person off because I believe someone hacked their profile. Regardless, the message was very real. I WONT edit what was said so if you think words will bother you, then skip ahead or something.
The display name of this person was "I HATE NIGGERS WHITE POWER!" and the message was this:
wtf kinda music is this. i hang ppl for having this kinda music on there myspace. plus yra fucking nigger. white power u piece of shit
I tried to reply, but they disabled all messages from people who they arent friends with. You can't always find something witty to say to these things anyways. Who knows what I would have said had I had the opportunity?
I was coming back home one night from a Halloween party and when I got back to my homie's apt., another friend of ours was arguing with a Taxi driver. He didn't have his wallet so we gave it to him and he paid the driver who left. My friend who was arguing kept telling me about reverse discrimination and racism that he felt he got from the cab driver. He didn't realize that he was just being a drunken idiot. I finally sat him down in front of the computer and showed him this message. He shut up right then. As a white guy, I don't think he knew what real racism is. Well boom there you go.
Before I conclude, I would like a little help from all of you. See, there is this guy. His name is Michael Terrell Williams...I think. He has a MySpace profile that literally contains only pictures of me. Somebody forwarded his profile to me to show me the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I personally find it funny. Why? Because his page was actually better than mine. He enjoys cooking and fishing, reading, and rock climbing. The fake Rod Benson sounded more interesting that the REAL Rod Benson. I actually spent hours re-doing my page. I read a CSS code tutorial and built MY MYSPACE PAGE from scratch just to compete. Anyways, It would be even funnier to me if everyone who has a myspace and doesn't mind sending a random message, to send a message this guy telling him to stop perpetrating the real Rod Benson aka Too Much! It would be glorious if he signed in and there were like 100 msgs in his box all saying the same thing. Make it happen.
http://www.myspace.com/michaelterrellwilliams
Blow him up in the name of realness.
I'll kick off 8th edition of Funny MySpace Messages with a couple people who just won't let it go. These are people who I DO NOT reply to and still they continue to blow me up with messages. Like this guy:
He must have taken his other picture off his page. It showed how skinny he is. I honestly think he is required by law to ride in a booster seat because he weighs under 40lbs. Im not exaggerating one bit. Regardless, he sent me another long winded message months after the first two messages he sent to me went unanswered...
Subject: Only in Hollywood...
Body: Hey there,
How's it going? It's been a while... thought I'd send you a note. I had a bizarre experience recently that I thought you might find interesting as a fellow tall guy.
A producer I had met a while back when I composed a few tracks for her short film called me the other day. She had a mutual friend who was doing casting for a commercial, and was looking for guys who are 6'6" on up (the taller the better), and skinny. So, my friend naturally thought of me... and referred me to the casting director. I spoke with her, and she said she absolutely wanted me to show up for an audition and an on-screen test.
I'm NOT an actor at all... but I thought, what the hell? It might be fun. And it was being worked in a way that one didn't necessarily have to be a member of SAG to be in the commercial.
I was a little nervous because I'm literally 6' 5 1/4"... but I figured I was close enough, and geez... how many 6'6" and taller skinny guys were they going to find? And at 125 lbs., they don't get much smaller-built than I am.
Well... I show up... and the waiting room was filled with 34 guys, and I WAS the shortest one there! Only in Hollywood, right? Wild!
I was also the skinniest... there were only two other men who weighed less than 200 lbs. But not much less... the next lightest after me was a 6'9" guy who was 190 lbs. And maybe, yeah, he was skinny for his height and frame size. But, geez... 65 lbs. is BIG size difference even if he is nearly 4" taller. So he looked like the Incredible Hulk in comparison to me when they made us stand next to each other doing camera and photo tests.
And that turned out to be the biggest problem for me... I was eventually told that I was TOO small-built in comparison to the other guys. They needed to cast 4 men who were fairly close in height and size, and all the other guys were a lot bigger than I am. And I was too short, too... the men they finally cast were 6'10" - 7'1" and in the 220- 240 lbs. range. If you ask me, they didn't look skinny at all... more just like lanky but muscular basketball player types. But I guess "skinny" is a relative term, and I just kind of threw everyone's preconceived notions out the window!
But, whatever... it was an interesting experience, and that's all I was really expecting of it.
OH... the tallest guy there was 7'4"! But he was 330 lbs., and although he insisted he was skinny for his frame-size... the guy was huge next to everyone else. Again, all a matter of relative perspective, I guess.
You should have seen THAT camera test... with him at 7'4" and 330 lbs. standing next to me at a little over 6'5" and 125 lbs. He looked like he could swallow me whole for a snack. LOL
We compared shoe sizes, too... mine at size 8 narrow, and his at size 22 EEEE! I told him I didn't envy his having to find shoes that fit. He told me he didn't envy the fact that size small t-shirts fit me like a tent.
Touche.
~David
This may be your first time ever reading one of my MySpace messages. You may find this to be ridiculous. It is. The problem here is that I DO NOT KNOW THIS GUY. I think he wants me to pretend that we are long time friends or something.
Let's pretend that I was his friend. My response would probably go something like "Wow! Mann you're right! Only in Hollywood! How in the world could you have been the shortest one!? It must be something in the water out here man. Still, so awesome for you. I am totally hyped to hear that. Size 22 shoes? I would never have imagined!"
Now, let's go through how I really feel. Dog, eat some food. There is no logical excuse for you to be 36 years old and 125 lbs at 6'5". I know there's something you like to eat. Porterhouse is a good start. Have a twinkie or two with your breakfast. Do something. It's cool that you're doing your hollywood thing, but try to understand that although I am usually slow to return my messages (it can take weeks), if you still havent gotten a reply to these long winded ramblings in 8 months, it's not gonna happen. Lastly, I am 6 10, 227 myself. Nothing about that story shocked me.
If I still had access to the other pics of his, you would see just how skinny he really is. He's like Sally Struther's only white somalian ever.
Well when it comes to repeat messages nobody does it like Sweet Ann. Since I first got a msg from her nearly a year ago, she has not stopped. Seriously, read any of my last 4 myspace posts and you will find her in every one.
"Hey u wat's up! Just wanted to stop by your page to show u some love.. So how is everything be side work. I haven't seen u on line lately. Guess what I'm not on Guam I'm on vaction here in California at my cousin place Rosmond. Where do u stay at in California hopefully we can met up with each other, I really want met u in person. So hopefully I'll be in San Diego for wedding on Aug 11, send me a comment back ok.. Well got to go now take care and be safe.
"Hey u wat's up, just wanted to holla back at u. It's been such a long time since the last time I chatted with u. So how have u been and work and all.. Hope everything is good with u any way u know what to do holla back at your gurl!!
Antoinette
"Hey u long time no see, wat's up! With u these days hope everything is going good with u, dam still looking good to me. Well just take care and be safe now u here...
Sweetann
There is no logical explanation for this. Maybe she has tricked herself into thinking that we had something long ago when we didn't. I did message her one time, to tell her that I was part of the ship crew that caught the largest squid ever off the coast of Fiji. Cmon now! Get the joke already. At this point I can't even feel bad anymore. At some point you have to watch some Oprah. She has internet scam people on there all the time. Women, just like you, who fell for fake guys on the internet and gave up credit card info among other things. Lucky for you I just write about it and I'm not out buying XBOX 360 games on your Master Card!
We are off to a very good start right now. Let's keep it going, shall we?
This next girl is also a repeat message girl. I don't remember her past messages, but I guess I could have easily overlooked them.
No Subject
Body: whats up again, and thanx for the add....I guess my message was lame since u aint hit me back up, maybe I need to recheck my game......lol
Like I said, I usually read everything. Sometimes I do forget to reply to a message, so I decided to check her out and make sure I didn't make a mistake...
Status: In a Relationship
Orientation: Straight
Hometown: Reykjavik, Iceland
Body type: 5' 4"
Religion: Christian - other
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Smoke / Drink: No / Yes
Children: Proud parent
Education: Grad / professional school
OK. Let's break this down. Let's look at the reasons why I didn't reply to her. Foot on the bed picture? No thanks. Arm that looks stronger than mine? Can't do it. In a relationship? No can do. She has a kid and she's from a town in Iceland that has like 32 consonants in it.
It wasn't your game, I'm afraid. It was simply the fact that I don't want to fly out to Iceland (which is really green according to D2: The Mighty Ducks are Back), bring Mr. Frommer with me to find whatever the hell your town is called, bring my baseball bat to fight your boyfriend who I assume is bigger than you, making him bigger than me, drop off a box of Capri Sun's for your kid to keep him busy and still find you unattractive because you have a pouty looking face with your foot on the bed. Sorry.
At least she made an effort to write something. I got too tired of the html comments that people were leaving for me. This one was the final straw:
When I saw this, I did not think about how sweet my lips may or not be. I immediately thought it was just weird. Why? Why send this? Why post this on my page?
This is her, smiling, finding other comments such as "Hey Hot Pants" and "Hello Pretty Toes". Seriously, I don't need that in my life.. I can't deal with all that right now.
I also couldn't deal with a woman by the display name of "Mrs. Gorgeous". She snuck one more animated html thing on my comments before I had a chance to turn them off.
Coddamit, stop it with these things. I dont know why they keep coming. Especially from girls like this:
When I saw her pic, I thought to myself that I wouldn't exactly call her Mrs. GORGEOUS. That's when I saw this on her page:
Right back at ya! Am I being mean? I would have thought so until I saw her other pic:
Yep. That's what I deal with all the time on MySpace. Everyday I do.
Even with all of that, there are messages that get worse.
Like these, all from a MAN.
wuss good Renaissance man
Body: finnally get to thank you for the add wut u up too this late? and im stealing your page layout LOL
Subject: SD
Body: u in san diego with that smile hit me up lets party
Subject: basketball
Body: u coming to sd to get down or what i know u wanna cum wit me/
I didnt put up a photo of this guy because he lives in San Diego and he might actually be straight and he might just come find me and beat my ass. Can't take any chances. Maybe I can just flaunt my smile and he will calm down!
Besides, why put up a pic of him when I can put up photo's of Clayton's admirers instead. Like Robert:
recognizin your page..
thanxs for the add....hope to hear from ya soon..
robert
illinois
waitin on ur response...
ok, i said thanxs for the add. havent heard from ya in 3 or 4 attempts.. why add me; if you didnt want a friend... i am meeting brothas and sistas from all over the U.S. if this isnt you. then delete me....
robert
illinois
ok it goin to be like that!!!!
thats cool,
robert
illinois
its ur call...
robert
illinois
Looks like this calm needs to calm down. It's like he can't go on with approval from Clayton who has 11,000 other friends. I don't care if youre straight or gay or whatever, that kind of persistence is downright unnecessary. Seriously man, start a second life or something. That way you can create yourself, you can create Clay, heck, you can even create me. Then you can have hours of fun replying to messages that normally would go unanswered.
Still not as bad as guy #2. Even with editing, it is gross and you may want to skip ahead:
Are you Gay or Bi?
How can a guy like me be on your team?
How big is your d--k?
Do you like big d--ks?
How old are you?
Do you like Black guys?
Do you have any kids?
Do you have you own house?
Do you have a cell phone?
What type cell phone do you have and who is it by!
Do you want kids?
Do you s--k d--k?
Do you e-t a-s?
Do you s--k d--k well?
Do you like Whitney Houston?
Do you have a car?
Do you have a job?
Do you family know about you?
Do you go to church?
Do you love having sex?
Do you like sexy ass Thugs?
What makes you happy?
What makes you mad?
Where is your boy friend at?
Where do you see your self in five years?
Where do you live at?
Who is Jesus?
Sexy are you a top?
Sexy are you a bottom?
Can I see some of your pics?
Can a guy get your number?
Can your boy get your name?
YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT!
I do have a question for this dude: What the hell is wrong with you? Does this work? Have you ever been in an institution mental or otherwise? Does your dad know what youre up to? Do you have any shame? Are you related to Dennis Rodman? WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE NO STRAIGHT OPTION AT THE TOP OF THIS LIST???
Talk about things that are hard to deal with. A message like that is never well received. It doesn't matter if it's from a man or woman, like "Thick and Sexy" here:
She sent me this.. I changed all the F words to "Do":
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
Body:
DO OR PASS!!!!!!!
There is @ least 1 person on ur myspace list that wants 2 do the hell out of u. So lets play the do or pass game! The rules r simple...if u want 2 do the person who posts this send them a message saying yep, Id do you!!!!!!!!!!!! Scared? This s--ts funny cuz there is @ least 1 person on ur list who wants 2 do u.
and this
Subject:
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
Body:
waz up sexxi just showin some luv to all my friends online starting wit the cutest ones and guess what your #1
"IN LOVE AND LOVIN IT"
FEMALE
17 YEARS OLD
PHILLY, PENNSYLVANIA
UNITED STATE
Please please please please tell me that I was not sent that first message because she wants to do me that bad. Please please please please tell me that I am not her cutest friend in the world which would have to include the boyfriend she's in love with who has no problems dating big girls. Please tell me that she is not 17. It is a sad, strange world when the only people who want to do you are men and overweight, underage, foul mouths who are in love with someone else.
The next girl has a display name called "Lady Skeet". Really? Lady Skeet? C'mon now girl. You gotta know what skeet means...don't you?
hey i know idk u and u dont know much about me but imma star featuring ppl on my profile. something like person of the week would u be ok if u get picked that i took one of ur pictures to put it up on my profile?
After I wasted 2 minutes of my day trying to read this message, I decided not to reply. Even if I say no she would take it as an invitation to talk unless I said it in a very rude tone. Not good. Then, I got this:
"oh i thought it was somebody else.lol
ur adams apple attracted my eyes.
...and ur smile did too.=]
You can't be serious right now. My ADAMS APPLE attracted your eyes? That is ricodamdiculous. Why would would you send me this? Who else could it be? Mr Adams McApple? Is that what you thought? I came to the conclusion that she didnt quite know what she was saying. Why? Because this was on her profile:
Status:
In a Relationship
Here for:
Networking, Friends
Orientation:
Straight
Hometown:
yemem.lol
Body type:
5' 8" / More to love!
Ethnicity:
Latino / Hispanic
Religion:
Catholic
Zodiac Sign:
Aquarius
Children:
Someday
Education:
In college
Occupation:
kickin ass
"yea we all know everyone is unique but
im above and beyond.
im intelligent. i study the dictionary.
i have extremely high standars. its not what u think. im not high maintenance, boo-G or flashy.
im not gonna say that im poor, cuz im not. i can get it but it not important or necessary.
Dont ever make fun of or have a look of disgust at the mentally ill or others that dont look like u. they're still humans.
i dont settle for mediocre. dont know what that means??go find out.
yes i have a filthy mouth [vulgar language]. but their not the only words i know."
She cant be serious about studying the coddamn dictionary. People who study the dictionary don't immediately follow "I study the dictionary" with "I dont have high standars." I guess she assumes I don't know what mediocrity is. I can tell her. It's called her myspace page. In fact, it's probably sub-par. Yea, sub-par. It's in the dictionary right before "they're", a contraction meaning they are. Seriously, I should have expected this from a girl who spends her time kickin ass and using [vulgar language]. Maybe the fact that she never changes her face could have been a tell all:
Her mom told her what would happen. She said "Skeet, if you keep making that face, it's gonna stay like that!" Skeet didn't listen, now look at her.
The never changing of the face thing was real big with "SweetHeart" too. She seemed innocent enough by her message:
hey handsome, how u doin
I mean, I had no intention of replying anyways, but I still gave her page a look:
Notice anything here? Oh yea, how about she is the female Zoolander. All she's got is blue steel huh? She should work on that. I mean, I only gave you a 4 pic sample, there are 30 pictures that are all exactly like these. Yes, I know exactly what she looks like hair down, smirking, from the left. Not enough to get a reply. I wouldn't anyways, but let's pretend I was somebody who would.
Anyways, its still not that bad, but I wonder how she had the audacity to send me a msg considering I found this in her profile:
"I could be VERY paranoid. I would like to think im a little funny.. I'm really mean and stuck up to those who deserve it. i cant stand black girls, you will probably think I'm racist, but I'm just honest, brutally honest. I have no patience for bitches whatsoever!"
Why in the world would I hit you back when u say some crazy stuff like that? You have two things to learn: how to take a different picture and how to develop some social tolerance.
She was not the worst by far. I left the photo of this next person off because I believe someone hacked their profile. Regardless, the message was very real. I WONT edit what was said so if you think words will bother you, then skip ahead or something.
The display name of this person was "I HATE NIGGERS WHITE POWER!" and the message was this:
wtf kinda music is this. i hang ppl for having this kinda music on there myspace. plus yra fucking nigger. white power u piece of shit
I tried to reply, but they disabled all messages from people who they arent friends with. You can't always find something witty to say to these things anyways. Who knows what I would have said had I had the opportunity?
I was coming back home one night from a Halloween party and when I got back to my homie's apt., another friend of ours was arguing with a Taxi driver. He didn't have his wallet so we gave it to him and he paid the driver who left. My friend who was arguing kept telling me about reverse discrimination and racism that he felt he got from the cab driver. He didn't realize that he was just being a drunken idiot. I finally sat him down in front of the computer and showed him this message. He shut up right then. As a white guy, I don't think he knew what real racism is. Well boom there you go.
Before I conclude, I would like a little help from all of you. See, there is this guy. His name is Michael Terrell Williams...I think. He has a MySpace profile that literally contains only pictures of me. Somebody forwarded his profile to me to show me the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I personally find it funny. Why? Because his page was actually better than mine. He enjoys cooking and fishing, reading, and rock climbing. The fake Rod Benson sounded more interesting that the REAL Rod Benson. I actually spent hours re-doing my page. I read a CSS code tutorial and built MY MYSPACE PAGE from scratch just to compete. Anyways, It would be even funnier to me if everyone who has a myspace and doesn't mind sending a random message, to send a message this guy telling him to stop perpetrating the real Rod Benson aka Too Much! It would be glorious if he signed in and there were like 100 msgs in his box all saying the same thing. Make it happen.
http://www.myspace.com/michaelterrellwilliams
Blow him up in the name of realness.
What B-Melt Has to Say (Myspace Story Part 2)
October/10/2007 12:56 PM
Go back down and read "The Greatest Myspace story ever told,” if you havent yet. When your done, my boy B-melt has some more to add. It is in his voice, so I'll let him say what he has to say...
Rod, you were pretty dead on about your story. but i do have a couple extra stories for your viewers enjoyment. SO EVERYONE, please continue to read... Everything happens in life for a reason, but when things happen like this, and when they happen to you, the only thing you can say is... "i know stuff like this can happen, but not to me!" it was weird, the more we talked, the more we had in common, the more we had in common, the more we clicked, the more we clicked, the more other people knew i was talkin to her. the more people that knew i was talkin to her, the more she hyped up the coolest white boy ever, i mean... SHE EVEN PUT A PIC OF ME ON HER MYSPACE PAGE! (now i dont think it can get any more honorable than that, LMAO) anyways... i havent lost total contact with her, she really is a good person, with a good heart... but its crazy to think not only did she have me fooled, but she had 75% of all professional athletes fooled, (i was the only white exception she ever made, so you gotta admit, that adds a little more spice to the story, lol) The 1st story might be the most ironic of all stories. in 2000,When i was a freshman at Illinois, i actually talked to her online many times, and we conversed back and forth about people and life in general. i remember sending her a picture of me and yao ming together...anyways... more than 5 years later, we ironically became friends on myspace, (which at the time, i had no idea i even knew her) and she immediately sent me that pic of me and yao ming, which freaked me the hell out, i mean... how in the world did she get that? i mean, that picture was taken over 6 years ago! and i forgot i even had that picture! anyways, that convinced me that OF COURSE, I DID KNOW HER, and by the looks of her pics... I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER SOME MORE!!! In fact, that leads me to story #2...the more i got to know her, the more she name dropped, and i started to realize we had many mutual friends, she actually got me into clubs in SD with out even being within 3,000 miles from me. i was waiting in line at "aubergine" downtown, and there were some Chargers having a party in there, some i knew, some i didnt, but the ones i knew, SHE KNEW! so, she hit them up on their TMAIL, saying, "hey, my boy is waitin in line outside the club, can you get him in?" the next thing i knew, i had some of the Chargers coming out to get me, bmelt, into the club! how crazy is that? im just a white boy from the country with connects from all over the globe. LOL... now its time for story #3,which is by far,last but not least... what im about to say is going to be said for a total sense of humor that you happened to leave out of your story, so please "Tiffany", dont get mad, its only as funny as you made it, At a certain "white party" in the summer of 06' i ran into this Kelly guy... he asked me... "hey, are you really dating 'Tiffany'?" and at that time, i was the only one in america who knew "the truth", i just didnt want to blow her cover, so i responded "yeah, sure AM!!!" he said, "DAMN YOURE LUCKY, i've seen her pictures, DAMN SHE'S GOT A PHAT ASS!!!" my only response i could think of was "you got that right!" anyways, i thought that would add some humor to your story. i could go on and on about stories that i encountered on my 6 month journey with this "Tiffany" character. but its just not worth it. she's a good girl, who made a mistake, all people make mistakes, but atleast she got the chance to live the life that many people can only dream of...being a "MYSPACE JUMP-OFF"!!! good luck to you RB, it was great sharing stories with you this summer at Glen Park! the infamous, bMelt. Once you become famous, you can never become UN-famous, you can only become IN-famous!!! remember that... "Matthew 19:26; with god, all things are possible"
Rod, you were pretty dead on about your story. but i do have a couple extra stories for your viewers enjoyment. SO EVERYONE, please continue to read... Everything happens in life for a reason, but when things happen like this, and when they happen to you, the only thing you can say is... "i know stuff like this can happen, but not to me!" it was weird, the more we talked, the more we had in common, the more we had in common, the more we clicked, the more we clicked, the more other people knew i was talkin to her. the more people that knew i was talkin to her, the more she hyped up the coolest white boy ever, i mean... SHE EVEN PUT A PIC OF ME ON HER MYSPACE PAGE! (now i dont think it can get any more honorable than that, LMAO) anyways... i havent lost total contact with her, she really is a good person, with a good heart... but its crazy to think not only did she have me fooled, but she had 75% of all professional athletes fooled, (i was the only white exception she ever made, so you gotta admit, that adds a little more spice to the story, lol) The 1st story might be the most ironic of all stories. in 2000,When i was a freshman at Illinois, i actually talked to her online many times, and we conversed back and forth about people and life in general. i remember sending her a picture of me and yao ming together...anyways... more than 5 years later, we ironically became friends on myspace, (which at the time, i had no idea i even knew her) and she immediately sent me that pic of me and yao ming, which freaked me the hell out, i mean... how in the world did she get that? i mean, that picture was taken over 6 years ago! and i forgot i even had that picture! anyways, that convinced me that OF COURSE, I DID KNOW HER, and by the looks of her pics... I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER SOME MORE!!! In fact, that leads me to story #2...the more i got to know her, the more she name dropped, and i started to realize we had many mutual friends, she actually got me into clubs in SD with out even being within 3,000 miles from me. i was waiting in line at "aubergine" downtown, and there were some Chargers having a party in there, some i knew, some i didnt, but the ones i knew, SHE KNEW! so, she hit them up on their TMAIL, saying, "hey, my boy is waitin in line outside the club, can you get him in?" the next thing i knew, i had some of the Chargers coming out to get me, bmelt, into the club! how crazy is that? im just a white boy from the country with connects from all over the globe. LOL... now its time for story #3,which is by far,last but not least... what im about to say is going to be said for a total sense of humor that you happened to leave out of your story, so please "Tiffany", dont get mad, its only as funny as you made it, At a certain "white party" in the summer of 06' i ran into this Kelly guy... he asked me... "hey, are you really dating 'Tiffany'?" and at that time, i was the only one in america who knew "the truth", i just didnt want to blow her cover, so i responded "yeah, sure AM!!!" he said, "DAMN YOURE LUCKY, i've seen her pictures, DAMN SHE'S GOT A PHAT ASS!!!" my only response i could think of was "you got that right!" anyways, i thought that would add some humor to your story. i could go on and on about stories that i encountered on my 6 month journey with this "Tiffany" character. but its just not worth it. she's a good girl, who made a mistake, all people make mistakes, but atleast she got the chance to live the life that many people can only dream of...being a "MYSPACE JUMP-OFF"!!! good luck to you RB, it was great sharing stories with you this summer at Glen Park! the infamous, bMelt. Once you become famous, you can never become UN-famous, you can only become IN-famous!!! remember that... "Matthew 19:26; with god, all things are possible"
THE GREATEST MYSPACE STORY EVER TOLD
September/06/2007 12:48 PM
Normally, you come to tmrb and you see the word MySpace and get a little bit giddy. You think that the new installment of messages could have you laughing so hard that you pee your pants. Maybe your pants are still wet from the last time. Well, this time is different. This is one of those few stories that really isn't just comedy. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll curse the day you ever signed up for myspace. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I've actually had the materials to write this story for a year. I write it today for a couple of reasons. First, and more importantly, I lost a lot of the info when my computer crashed in July, so I have to write it out while it's still fresh in my mind. Secondly, it is the one year anniversary of the day I first heard the greatest myspace story ever told...
Where do I begin? How about spring 2005? In the spring of 2005, I was just coming off my big year at CAL. I'll admit it, I felt pretty big time for like 3 weeks until I got hurt. In the meantime, I was riding my wave of emotion and hype that would lead into my senior year. My hype spilled over into my myspace page for a long time. All my pictures were of me dunking or shooting or blocking somebody's shot ferociously (Matt Haryasz haha). My page basically screamed "big time" to anyone who saw it... or so I thought.
Anyways, in about mid march 2005, I got a myspace message. I opened it. It said "Hey sexy. What's up?" If you've read anything myspace related on tmrb, you know that I get these kinds of messages all the time from these disgusting women. This day was different. When I looked at the profile of the woman before me, I saw this:
face blurted out on purpose, but who cares?
Are you thinking what I was thinking? Of course. Reply! Reply! Reply! Well, not so fast Rod Benson. I looked over her profile. She had about 600 friends and maybe 400 of them were athletes that I recognized. It was basically a who's who of pro and college athletes on myspace. I kind of felt like she was a big time groupie, but then I also thought that this was justification that I was now big time. I mean coddamn she had NFL and NBA guys on there and she wanted Rod Benson too. Recruiting for the next level I guess.
Well, I decided to back off of the initial game plan to seriously put the moves on this girl. The way I saw it, she was far too big time and making moves with guys much more big time than me. Her name was "Tiffany Burris" (I changed the name like I said). We became friends, actually, and I would always joke with her and say "Man I need to be in the NBA so girls who look like you will really want me." She would always laugh and agree.
Over the next year we would talk every now and then, mostly on Instant Messenger, but occasionally over the phone. It was during this time that I really got to know her. In the beginning, she told me that she was talking to one of my boys who was in the NBA. I informed her that I know him very well, so we would always talk about him and her and what they were doing. I even talked to him about her. He seemed to actually be a little annoyed that I knew her, like I was moving in on his territory. I told him that it didn't matter because I lived on the other side of country. Tiffany and I talked about my boy at first and then moved on to others.
There was a song that I listened to all the time called "MySpace Jump Off" which was basically about a guy who met a girl on myspace. Tiffany told me that she knew the guy who made the song and that she was the inspiration.
She told me about another NBA guy she was talking to who I didn't really know well, but definitely knew of. She informed me that he was going to fly her out for the week and that she would be nearby where I was so we should hang out. I remember thinking that this dude must really like this girl to fly her out and let her stay for the week, especially since she just got through dating my boy who is also in the NBA. I talked to her about the new guy. She told me all kinds of things about him. She told me that he was damn near in love with her and that he had no problem flying her out.
When the time came for her to make her trip, I guess she broke things off with the new NBA guy, because she never came out. Time went on and we remained pen pals of sorts. We updated each other with our happenings every now and then. The thing about it was, her happenings were always so big time. This woman IM'd me from the AFC Championship game in Denver in 2006. When she told me about the guy who flew her out there I remember thinking "Mann that guy has all kinds of skills on Madden. He's definitely a sleeper that people don't expect to have such good ratings." I let her know that I always move him up the depth charts when he is available. She laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the game.
She then IM'd me from the NBA finals in Miami a few months later. Some dude must have paid her way down there too. Coddamit. This girl was just way too much. Over the course of the summer, she also attended Portsmouth Pre-Draft camp, Orlando Pre-Draft camp, Las Vegas and Long Beach NBA summer league. This girl was everywhere athletes were. She wasn't just a groupie, she was a super groupie. Paid trips to every sport's fan's dream locations year round, dates with the biggest of the big time, she had it all. It was after the NBA summer leagues that I didn't speak with her again. She just kind of fell off of the earth. I didn't see her on AIM any more, so I assumed she got involved in a serious relationship and gave up the AIM for a while.
Now is when the story really begins...
September 6, 2006, I was kickin it at JGant's house as usual. I was sitting in his livingroom, having many AIM conversations on this very laptop. Out of nowhere, I get an IM from this girl saying "can I talk to you for a minute?" Now when I saw this, a couple of things came to mind. First, when someone says can we talk for a minute, it never, ever is a minute. It's usually the most serious of conversations. Secondly, I didn't personally feel that we were close enough of friends to talk "for a minute".
I lost our AIM conversation when my hard drive failed, but I remember it with 97% accuracy. I will recount the conversation here to fill you in on our minute of IM-ing:
Tiffany Burris: Rod Benson:
Can you please just let me type to you?
I have some stuff I gotta get out.
Sure. Whats goin on?
I'm buggin out right now.
like buggin the F out
I want to kill myself
I'v tried to before and it scares me. I locked myself
in my room to try to calm down but I cant.
wait what? r u serious right now?
what r u talking about?
today I was driving home and I almost swerved
off the road.
when I was downstairs I grabbed a knife and
all I could think about was cutting myself
Im so scared of what I might do
whoa whoa whoa calm down dont do anything
crazy
why are you talking like this
youre right just stay in your room
cuz imagine
you wake up and its 5 years from now
and you havent had anybody
no friends not even a best friend
no family
everybody around you uses you
nobody wants you
youre embarrassed to go outside
you go to school for no reason really
you work just to pay the bills
you feel so so so so so empty inside
youre just so empty
thats my life
Dont say that
you have plenty of friends
I know a lot of them
A ton of people want you. you have plenty to be happy about
I just dont understand where your coming from
well if you had done all the bad stuff I
have in my life and had karma do this to you
youd feel the same way too
youre way too hard on yourself
you cant think so negatively
nothing youve done could have been so bad
rod ive lied to 99% of the people I know
hey I might have lied to 100, so what everybody lies
no Ive had a bad lie, wanna know?
sure if you wanna tell me
well I might as well tell you since I lied to you too
in the spring of 99 i started my freshman year of
college. during my first week I was raped, I quit the
lacrosse team I went there for, and met my future
fiance. some crazy stuff but I guess it helps you
grow as a person.
anyways one day I was driving and I started getting
dizzy. different than being drunk it was like 1000x
worse. I went to see the doctor they said my dizziness
was vertigo. They checked a bunch of stuff and found
out I had hypothyroidism.
It explained a lot because my hair had been thinning,
I had put on a lot of weight, and I hadnt had my period
in years. all separate I didnt notice, but together it
al made sense.
my fiance said hed be there for me and support me
but he left me soon after the diagnosis because of
the weight I had gained. I found out later that he had
cheated on me the whole time. I dont know why he
dated me in the first place.
anyways... some girl friends of mine knew this one girl
who is such a money hungry groupie. She so
everything you always thought I was. One day we
made a myspace pretending to be her to out her for
everything she was. I got caught up in it, I couldnt
stop. All these people wanted to be my friend because
I looked like her. They would have never even
talked to me otherwise.
It became bad because I actually made "friends" on
there. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself earlier
this summer because of the guilt or whatever.
but thats my story. I have no friends, no family.
the people who were my friends never talk
to me anymore. I dont show my face in public
because people stare at me, laugh at me.
I saw an old friend of mine the other day and
when she saw what has become of me, she
started crying.
I really have nothing to live for.
the doctor said Im on the path to being dead
by the time Im 35, Im 26.
I told your boy the other day. He was nice about it,
but I dont think he will ever talk to me again
wait wait wait
what are you saying here
are you saying that the girl in the picture is you
or it isnt you?
umm the second one
but my boy? you and him used to date, right?
I never actually met him. if I did and I looked
like that, we would have definitely had sex,
I dont think he would have accepted any
thing else
OH SNAP forreal!? That is unbelievable.
-------------------- end of conversation -------------------------
That isn't actually where the conversation ended, but that's all you really need to read. I realized that I was being insensitive to a person who needed help, so I changed the subject soon afterwards. I still had so many questions though, and not enough answers. I called up my boy Kelly who had also IMd with her in the past. I told him about the whole thing. He was just as shocked as I was. My boy who had "dated" her was also friends with Kelly. We laughed for a second at the fact that he was really hyped up on a girl who didn't exist. He actually was a little angry with me for IMing her. His girlfriend who didnt exist. Haha, classic.
Then I got to thinking. I IMed this girl, Tiffany Burris, for a year and a half. That's a long time to pretend to be someone else. I TALKED to her on the phone a couple times. She played the role there too. No way. A year and a half? No way. I got thinking some more. Did she really go to these events? Was she really at the NBA Finals? The AFC championship? Portsmouth pre draft camp? The thing is, I remember a lot of things about what she said while she was at those games. I would believe that she really was there. I actually still do believe that she really was there. Maybe she really was flown out. Maybe she really did accept tickets based on her myspace profile. Maybe she just never actually met up with these people. Maybe.
More answers were needed. As it turns out, Kelly knew a guy who was in a picture with her. I contacted this guy. Before getting back to me, he called her first. She sent me another IM the next day.
"Do you think I was lying about lying to you?"
"No, there's just so much to this."
That was the extent of our convo.
The guy, better known as B-Melt did in fact get back to me. I actually saw him at the Glen Park Classic basketball tournament about a month ago. To quote him: "Man she had so many people jockin her it was unbelievable. There's still a lot of guys who don't know that she doesn't exist. If word got out that that girl died, people would go out and get tattoos saying 'Rest In Peace Tiffany Burris.'"
B-Melt, in fact, never met her. I asked to see the photo they supposedly took together. He sent me this:
It is obviously the most photoshopped pic of all time. She definitely had Kelly fooled. B-Melt said that she sent it to him to suggest what they would look like together. He then said that the girl in these photos actually dates a real NBA player. Tiffany Burris used pictures of a girl who really dates an athlete, which I why I blurred her face. B-Melt went on to say that Tiffany, the real girl not the myspace person she pretended to be, actually did meet my boy who is in the NBA. I guess since she obviously looks completely different than the pictures he would think of, he never even knew that he met her. What's worse is that I asked my boy who "dated" her about the situation when I saw him in Vegas. He said that he heard that she was actually a HE!
I have no idea what the truth is, but I do know that this fake person had a lot of people going all over the country. All it took was some nice pictures and a myspace page to execute the project. I, Rod Benson, have done a lot of crazy things in my life, but falling in love with or making a song about or giving tickets to a girl who never existed is NOT on the list.
The End.
Where do I begin? How about spring 2005? In the spring of 2005, I was just coming off my big year at CAL. I'll admit it, I felt pretty big time for like 3 weeks until I got hurt. In the meantime, I was riding my wave of emotion and hype that would lead into my senior year. My hype spilled over into my myspace page for a long time. All my pictures were of me dunking or shooting or blocking somebody's shot ferociously (Matt Haryasz haha). My page basically screamed "big time" to anyone who saw it... or so I thought.
Anyways, in about mid march 2005, I got a myspace message. I opened it. It said "Hey sexy. What's up?" If you've read anything myspace related on tmrb, you know that I get these kinds of messages all the time from these disgusting women. This day was different. When I looked at the profile of the woman before me, I saw this:
face blurted out on purpose, but who cares?
Are you thinking what I was thinking? Of course. Reply! Reply! Reply! Well, not so fast Rod Benson. I looked over her profile. She had about 600 friends and maybe 400 of them were athletes that I recognized. It was basically a who's who of pro and college athletes on myspace. I kind of felt like she was a big time groupie, but then I also thought that this was justification that I was now big time. I mean coddamn she had NFL and NBA guys on there and she wanted Rod Benson too. Recruiting for the next level I guess.
Well, I decided to back off of the initial game plan to seriously put the moves on this girl. The way I saw it, she was far too big time and making moves with guys much more big time than me. Her name was "Tiffany Burris" (I changed the name like I said). We became friends, actually, and I would always joke with her and say "Man I need to be in the NBA so girls who look like you will really want me." She would always laugh and agree.
Over the next year we would talk every now and then, mostly on Instant Messenger, but occasionally over the phone. It was during this time that I really got to know her. In the beginning, she told me that she was talking to one of my boys who was in the NBA. I informed her that I know him very well, so we would always talk about him and her and what they were doing. I even talked to him about her. He seemed to actually be a little annoyed that I knew her, like I was moving in on his territory. I told him that it didn't matter because I lived on the other side of country. Tiffany and I talked about my boy at first and then moved on to others.
There was a song that I listened to all the time called "MySpace Jump Off" which was basically about a guy who met a girl on myspace. Tiffany told me that she knew the guy who made the song and that she was the inspiration.
She told me about another NBA guy she was talking to who I didn't really know well, but definitely knew of. She informed me that he was going to fly her out for the week and that she would be nearby where I was so we should hang out. I remember thinking that this dude must really like this girl to fly her out and let her stay for the week, especially since she just got through dating my boy who is also in the NBA. I talked to her about the new guy. She told me all kinds of things about him. She told me that he was damn near in love with her and that he had no problem flying her out.
When the time came for her to make her trip, I guess she broke things off with the new NBA guy, because she never came out. Time went on and we remained pen pals of sorts. We updated each other with our happenings every now and then. The thing about it was, her happenings were always so big time. This woman IM'd me from the AFC Championship game in Denver in 2006. When she told me about the guy who flew her out there I remember thinking "Mann that guy has all kinds of skills on Madden. He's definitely a sleeper that people don't expect to have such good ratings." I let her know that I always move him up the depth charts when he is available. She laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the game.
She then IM'd me from the NBA finals in Miami a few months later. Some dude must have paid her way down there too. Coddamit. This girl was just way too much. Over the course of the summer, she also attended Portsmouth Pre-Draft camp, Orlando Pre-Draft camp, Las Vegas and Long Beach NBA summer league. This girl was everywhere athletes were. She wasn't just a groupie, she was a super groupie. Paid trips to every sport's fan's dream locations year round, dates with the biggest of the big time, she had it all. It was after the NBA summer leagues that I didn't speak with her again. She just kind of fell off of the earth. I didn't see her on AIM any more, so I assumed she got involved in a serious relationship and gave up the AIM for a while.
Now is when the story really begins...
September 6, 2006, I was kickin it at JGant's house as usual. I was sitting in his livingroom, having many AIM conversations on this very laptop. Out of nowhere, I get an IM from this girl saying "can I talk to you for a minute?" Now when I saw this, a couple of things came to mind. First, when someone says can we talk for a minute, it never, ever is a minute. It's usually the most serious of conversations. Secondly, I didn't personally feel that we were close enough of friends to talk "for a minute".
I lost our AIM conversation when my hard drive failed, but I remember it with 97% accuracy. I will recount the conversation here to fill you in on our minute of IM-ing:
Tiffany Burris: Rod Benson:
Can you please just let me type to you?
I have some stuff I gotta get out.
Sure. Whats goin on?
I'm buggin out right now.
like buggin the F out
I want to kill myself
I'v tried to before and it scares me. I locked myself
in my room to try to calm down but I cant.
wait what? r u serious right now?
what r u talking about?
today I was driving home and I almost swerved
off the road.
when I was downstairs I grabbed a knife and
all I could think about was cutting myself
Im so scared of what I might do
whoa whoa whoa calm down dont do anything
crazy
why are you talking like this
youre right just stay in your room
cuz imagine
you wake up and its 5 years from now
and you havent had anybody
no friends not even a best friend
no family
everybody around you uses you
nobody wants you
youre embarrassed to go outside
you go to school for no reason really
you work just to pay the bills
you feel so so so so so empty inside
youre just so empty
thats my life
Dont say that
you have plenty of friends
I know a lot of them
A ton of people want you. you have plenty to be happy about
I just dont understand where your coming from
well if you had done all the bad stuff I
have in my life and had karma do this to you
youd feel the same way too
youre way too hard on yourself
you cant think so negatively
nothing youve done could have been so bad
rod ive lied to 99% of the people I know
hey I might have lied to 100, so what everybody lies
no Ive had a bad lie, wanna know?
sure if you wanna tell me
well I might as well tell you since I lied to you too
in the spring of 99 i started my freshman year of
college. during my first week I was raped, I quit the
lacrosse team I went there for, and met my future
fiance. some crazy stuff but I guess it helps you
grow as a person.
anyways one day I was driving and I started getting
dizzy. different than being drunk it was like 1000x
worse. I went to see the doctor they said my dizziness
was vertigo. They checked a bunch of stuff and found
out I had hypothyroidism.
It explained a lot because my hair had been thinning,
I had put on a lot of weight, and I hadnt had my period
in years. all separate I didnt notice, but together it
al made sense.
my fiance said hed be there for me and support me
but he left me soon after the diagnosis because of
the weight I had gained. I found out later that he had
cheated on me the whole time. I dont know why he
dated me in the first place.
anyways... some girl friends of mine knew this one girl
who is such a money hungry groupie. She so
everything you always thought I was. One day we
made a myspace pretending to be her to out her for
everything she was. I got caught up in it, I couldnt
stop. All these people wanted to be my friend because
I looked like her. They would have never even
talked to me otherwise.
It became bad because I actually made "friends" on
there. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself earlier
this summer because of the guilt or whatever.
but thats my story. I have no friends, no family.
the people who were my friends never talk
to me anymore. I dont show my face in public
because people stare at me, laugh at me.
I saw an old friend of mine the other day and
when she saw what has become of me, she
started crying.
I really have nothing to live for.
the doctor said Im on the path to being dead
by the time Im 35, Im 26.
I told your boy the other day. He was nice about it,
but I dont think he will ever talk to me again
wait wait wait
what are you saying here
are you saying that the girl in the picture is you
or it isnt you?
umm the second one
but my boy? you and him used to date, right?
I never actually met him. if I did and I looked
like that, we would have definitely had sex,
I dont think he would have accepted any
thing else
OH SNAP forreal!? That is unbelievable.
-------------------- end of conversation -------------------------
That isn't actually where the conversation ended, but that's all you really need to read. I realized that I was being insensitive to a person who needed help, so I changed the subject soon afterwards. I still had so many questions though, and not enough answers. I called up my boy Kelly who had also IMd with her in the past. I told him about the whole thing. He was just as shocked as I was. My boy who had "dated" her was also friends with Kelly. We laughed for a second at the fact that he was really hyped up on a girl who didn't exist. He actually was a little angry with me for IMing her. His girlfriend who didnt exist. Haha, classic.
Then I got to thinking. I IMed this girl, Tiffany Burris, for a year and a half. That's a long time to pretend to be someone else. I TALKED to her on the phone a couple times. She played the role there too. No way. A year and a half? No way. I got thinking some more. Did she really go to these events? Was she really at the NBA Finals? The AFC championship? Portsmouth pre draft camp? The thing is, I remember a lot of things about what she said while she was at those games. I would believe that she really was there. I actually still do believe that she really was there. Maybe she really was flown out. Maybe she really did accept tickets based on her myspace profile. Maybe she just never actually met up with these people. Maybe.
More answers were needed. As it turns out, Kelly knew a guy who was in a picture with her. I contacted this guy. Before getting back to me, he called her first. She sent me another IM the next day.
"Do you think I was lying about lying to you?"
"No, there's just so much to this."
That was the extent of our convo.
The guy, better known as B-Melt did in fact get back to me. I actually saw him at the Glen Park Classic basketball tournament about a month ago. To quote him: "Man she had so many people jockin her it was unbelievable. There's still a lot of guys who don't know that she doesn't exist. If word got out that that girl died, people would go out and get tattoos saying 'Rest In Peace Tiffany Burris.'"
B-Melt, in fact, never met her. I asked to see the photo they supposedly took together. He sent me this:
It is obviously the most photoshopped pic of all time. She definitely had Kelly fooled. B-Melt said that she sent it to him to suggest what they would look like together. He then said that the girl in these photos actually dates a real NBA player. Tiffany Burris used pictures of a girl who really dates an athlete, which I why I blurred her face. B-Melt went on to say that Tiffany, the real girl not the myspace person she pretended to be, actually did meet my boy who is in the NBA. I guess since she obviously looks completely different than the pictures he would think of, he never even knew that he met her. What's worse is that I asked my boy who "dated" her about the situation when I saw him in Vegas. He said that he heard that she was actually a HE!
I have no idea what the truth is, but I do know that this fake person had a lot of people going all over the country. All it took was some nice pictures and a myspace page to execute the project. I, Rod Benson, have done a lot of crazy things in my life, but falling in love with or making a song about or giving tickets to a girl who never existed is NOT on the list.
The End.
Funny MySpace Messages 7
June/18/2007 11:28 AM
It’s been just over 2 months since the last installment of funny myspace messages. I must say, I’ve had so many during the past few months, that I left quite a few of them out. Well, there’s no time to waste time, so let’s get this started.
I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:
Miss u much!
Body: Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...
This girl did too:
This is what she sent me:
WHAT UP
Body: What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy
...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.
I also never talked to this girl:
I don’t think that she noticed...
Subject: n/a
Body: jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance
She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.
Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance
Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.
I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...
...much like:
Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
"dey wut ii do best♥"
Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States
This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:
sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia
I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.
Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...
She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:
hey
Body: hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back
Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.
I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:
I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:
This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”
Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!
One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:
When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.
I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:
I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.
I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:
Subject: would u...............
Body: would u let me suc ur d*c
Especially not from:
Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...
These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:
“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey whud up? so wassup w/u?
1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"
Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana
Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy
1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tasha”
Subject: CAN YOU
Body: COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.
2 months later..
Subject: hey
Body: what's good with you?
1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.
These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:
rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM
WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK
Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:
Subject: Question
Body: Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?
Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:
Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.
4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?
rodrique benson: sounds like a good job haha
socalimandingos: Started my freshman year at UCLA
socalimandingos: just some of the homies and some freaks we knew
socalimandingos: since then, the shit really done grew
11:55 AM
socalimandingos: you must be staying with family out here cause there's no way you can survive here without having a job lol
rodrique benson: my homies from ucla actually
socalimandingos: oh okay. that's cool.
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you're comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations? nothing some liquor cant help with lol
12:00 PM
socalimandingos: Have you ever heard of The Mandingo Club?
12:05 PM
rodrique benson: sounds familiar
socalimandingos: You got time right now so I can give you a run down?
rodrique benson: sure
socalimandingos: bet
socalimandingos: We host Private Upscale Interracial Swing Parties wherein Professional Couples, Ladies and Select-Brothas get together to network, socialize, and eventually indulge in their innermost fantasies. You'd be amazed my man, at how many sexy women out there just need to be in the right environment to unleash their 'inner freak'.
12:10 PM
socalimandingos: The parties are Members-Only. The membership base is made up of professionals from all walks of life-- Athletes, Entertainers, Adult Entertainers, High ranking Gov't/Law Officials, Corporate CEOs, Doctors, Lawyers, Cops. You name it, they're swinging my man! Basically people that have professional careers by day, who enjoy partying and having fun with like-minded people who share the same interests. Ultimately, we all get to live out our wildest fantasies.
socalimandingos: Still there?
12:15 PM
rodrique benson: yea i am
socalimandingos: ok, i'll continue
socalimandingos: I started the organization back in 1996 as a freshman at UCLA. Back then, it was merely a few friends and colleagues, having fun on Friday nights. Enjoying the company of ladies, and getting drunk. Typical college shit, ya know? Since then, things have blossomed into what it is today. We have chapters in Atlanta/Miami, NYC/NJ and here in Cali/Vegas.
12:25 PM
socalimandingos: The way the parties go, the Couples, Ladies and Brothas arrive at the party house. Everyone dressed to impress. The evening starts off with folks socializing, networking [Networking is a big aspect of these parties as we all have professional careers], drinking/smoking, basically getting to know each other. As the evening goes on, you begin to notice heavy sexual overtones- Ladies changing into lingerie, fellas eating pussy, ladies sucking cock. Before you know it, everyone is going at it, one wild orgy.
12:30 PM
socalimandingos: For the record, all the Ladies are Bi. All the Brothas are STRAIGHT. We don't get down with bi, gay or DL guys.... That's not our style, and that's even more a reason why we are a private organization.
socalimandingos: The parties take place in private homes of members throughout LA, OC, Vegas. The parties range in size-- Small and Large. Small parties tend to have about 4-6 people at most. These small parties tend to be what I start rookies off with (like yourself), so you can get your 'feet wet' and eventually work your way up to the bigger parties. The bigger parties tend to have between 20-25 people.
12:35 PM
socalimandingos: The parties never get larger than that, because we're not trying to create a 'sausage fest', if you know what I mean. I like to keep the ratio of ladies to men about even or at most 1:2. Parties are 2-3 times a month, on weekends.
socalimandingos: U still there?
rodrique benson: yea
socalimandingos: Did you read everything I wrote?
rodrique benson: yep
socalimandingos: Good.
SO yea, basically, I dont even have to say much to that. It just shows what I deal with regularly when it comes to myspace. I get people with crazy ideas all the time. I mean I still get the occasional friend request from a seemingly normal person:
and then I see that their page says this:
About me:
hi my name is shonda and i am a good person to hangout with.and i also like to do fun things like going out to the club and i also on here to meet me some new friends so i can chat with.and i also like to hang with my homegirls and homeboys when they be around.and for the ones that is hating on shonda can lick shonda ass.and for the are not hating on shonda send me a message.and do you know that i like to get my drink on and my smoke on.and what up hi yall doing.
Considering we have so much in common, how could I not want to be friends with her? Do I know that she like to get her drink on and her smoke on? No. Maybe I’m a hater for that. Maybe I should lick shonda a$$. Maybe I’ll send back a message like the one I got from this guy:
Subject: i can guess ur name
Body: KYLE
then 2 months later...
Subject: sup kyle
Body: wat u up 2
First a wrong guess, then a repeat performance. I just don’t have an answer for this. I REALLY didn’t have for the next girl either...
She sent me this:
u wack
So I sent back:
haha thats funny
She replied:
keep it movvin u hella fake
Then I said:
do i kno u? haha how can i keep it movin u dont even exist
Of course she answered:
leave me alone i kno u and u are fake and i dont get what tha hell i see in u stop writin me bye
I honestly don’t even know this girl. I’ve never met her or talked to her in my life, so why is she so hostile? Who knows? I think she must have me confused because this was her headline on her page:
Stop smiling at me, get that look off your face Please dont even front, stop being so fake I know you don't like me, yeah you've made it very clearYou always talkin' 'bout me from what I hear Always put me down when you thought that you could
??? Who knows? Maybe she has seen my funny myspace messages and is now trying to be crazy just to get on here like the girl who sent me this:
(I won’t show her photo, because I’m not really makin fun of her)
nice eyes wanna f*ck!!
thinking that this was myspace message gold, I sent her back:
you cant be serious
She then hit me back with:
im just playin with u...i just read ur blog on ur web site about all those people sending u myspace messages.
Damn, so close, but she actually got me I guess. I really wanted to use that. That wasn’t the only time...
This is from a different girl:
Subject: heyyyyyy
Body: So are you in Los Angeles or up north?? Whats up?
Honestly, it wasn’t a bad message and the girl didn’t look bad. She wasn’t odd or crazy. I didn’t even think twice about it. Then I got this the next day:
Subject: My Bad
Body: Long story short, I came accross your website today and found the part about Myspace Girls really funny. Then I remembered that I messaged you something stupid yesterday while I was really bored at work. It doesn't matter at all because I don't know you, but I'm just pretty embarassed that I presented myself as some unintelligent breezy looking for sweet lovin' on Myspace. Anyways, just wanted to say keep on' writing because you're great at it...
-Cindy
To me, the attempted retraction was funnier than anything she could have said, but I guess it was necessary.
I’ll leave this edition with this last bit. See this girl is really nice, and if she reads this, I hope she understands that I just couldn’t leave this last message alone...
Body: lol Hi Rod. My name is Chrissy; I am 27 yrs old from Vancouver Island, Canada. I just finished reading 1 of ur hilarious blogs about funny myspace messages! lol it was REEEALLY funny & entertaining; you really have quite a talent for comedic writing & i just had to message you to tell you how impressive you are lol. & you seem like a REEAALLY gr8 person & i like you & I want to add you as a myspace friend...lol
Thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. I mean wow, what a nice compliment. I didn’t respond because I was busy trying to win a D-League championship. It was then that I got like 3 more messages, one of which was this:
WOW! Ur REEEALLY an aWESOME person & ur VERY popular & every 1 LOVES you! lol You should be FAMOUS! lol You seem like a really gr8 guy, ur funny, smart, intelligent, witty, charismatic, well rounded, good head on ur shoulders & all that good stuff lol I'm really impressed with you! Do you have ANY flaws? lol Do you go to church? My Dad's name is Rod; Rodney actually; he has funny nick names Rooney & Roonster lol! You know what's really weird? I've never really met any black ppl b4; i live in sorta small town & there just wasn't any blacks here when i was growing up. So now i'm 27 & never met any blacks or had any black friends. Except for recently i met 2 at church lol they really nice ppl 1 is a young guy name Anthony who just married pretty white wife & now they just had an adorable baby...Anthony plays keybpoard for our church & he is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! You should see him HE TOTALLY ROCKS OUT On the keyboard! Alot of blacks came to our church last summer for Anthony's wedding..I like their energy! & i shook hands & met 1 really nice older black man who comes to our church sometimes. & that's about all my experience with black ppl I've had b4..i feel sad about that ..lol i hope i'm not giving you MORE material for ur blogs about funny myspace messages! LOL!
Cmon now girl, why did you have to send me this? What’s weirder than the fact that your dad’s nickname is “Roonster”? Oh yea, the fact that you’ve never met any black people. Except for those 2 at church. YOU LOVE THEIR ENERGY. Oh man. I’m glad you are meeting some solid black people, but coddamn this was one of the funniest things I’ve read in my life. You definitely DID give me more material, but don’t take it personally...if you like my blogs, you should see me on a keyboard.
I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:
Miss u much!
Body: Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...
This girl did too:
This is what she sent me:
WHAT UP
Body: What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy
...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.
I also never talked to this girl:
I don’t think that she noticed...
Subject: n/a
Body: jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance
She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.
Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance
Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.
I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...
...much like:
Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
"dey wut ii do best♥"
Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States
This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:
sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia
I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.
Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...
She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:
hey
Body: hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back
Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.
I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:
I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:
This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”
Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!
One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:
When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.
I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:
I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.
I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:
Subject: would u...............
Body: would u let me suc ur d*c
Especially not from:
Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...
These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:
“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey whud up? so wassup w/u?
1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"
Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana
Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy
1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tasha”
Subject: CAN YOU
Body: COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.
2 months later..
Subject: hey
Body: what's good with you?
1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.
These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:
rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM
WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK
Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:
Subject: Question
Body: Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?
Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:
Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.
4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?
rodrique benson: sounds like a good job haha
socalimandingos: Started my freshman year at UCLA
socalimandingos: just some of the homies and some freaks we knew
socalimandingos: since then, the shit really done grew
11:55 AM
socalimandingos: you must be staying with family out here cause there's no way you can survive here without having a job lol
rodrique benson: my homies from ucla actually
socalimandingos: oh okay. that's cool.
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you're comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations? nothing some liquor cant help with lol
12:00 PM
socalimandingos: Have you ever heard of The Mandingo Club?
12:05 PM
rodrique benson: sounds familiar
socalimandingos: You got time right now so I can give you a run down?
rodrique benson: sure
socalimandingos: bet
socalimandingos: We host Private Upscale Interracial Swing Parties wherein Professional Couples, Ladies and Select-Brothas get together to network, socialize, and eventually indulge in their innermost fantasies. You'd be amazed my man, at how many sexy women out there just need to be in the right environment to unleash their 'inner freak'.
12:10 PM
socalimandingos: The parties are Members-Only. The membership base is made up of professionals from all walks of life-- Athletes, Entertainers, Adult Entertainers, High ranking Gov't/Law Officials, Corporate CEOs, Doctors, Lawyers, Cops. You name it, they're swinging my man! Basically people that have professional careers by day, who enjoy partying and having fun with like-minded people who share the same interests. Ultimately, we all get to live out our wildest fantasies.
socalimandingos: Still there?
12:15 PM
rodrique benson: yea i am
socalimandingos: ok, i'll continue
socalimandingos: I started the organization back in 1996 as a freshman at UCLA. Back then, it was merely a few friends and colleagues, having fun on Friday nights. Enjoying the company of ladies, and getting drunk. Typical college shit, ya know? Since then, things have blossomed into what it is today. We have chapters in Atlanta/Miami, NYC/NJ and here in Cali/Vegas.
12:25 PM
socalimandingos: The way the parties go, the Couples, Ladies and Brothas arrive at the party house. Everyone dressed to impress. The evening starts off with folks socializing, networking [Networking is a big aspect of these parties as we all have professional careers], drinking/smoking, basically getting to know each other. As the evening goes on, you begin to notice heavy sexual overtones- Ladies changing into lingerie, fellas eating pussy, ladies sucking cock. Before you know it, everyone is going at it, one wild orgy.
12:30 PM
socalimandingos: For the record, all the Ladies are Bi. All the Brothas are STRAIGHT. We don't get down with bi, gay or DL guys.... That's not our style, and that's even more a reason why we are a private organization.
socalimandingos: The parties take place in private homes of members throughout LA, OC, Vegas. The parties range in size-- Small and Large. Small parties tend to have about 4-6 people at most. These small parties tend to be what I start rookies off with (like yourself), so you can get your 'feet wet' and eventually work your way up to the bigger parties. The bigger parties tend to have between 20-25 people.
12:35 PM
socalimandingos: The parties never get larger than that, because we're not trying to create a 'sausage fest', if you know what I mean. I like to keep the ratio of ladies to men about even or at most 1:2. Parties are 2-3 times a month, on weekends.
socalimandingos: U still there?
rodrique benson: yea
socalimandingos: Did you read everything I wrote?
rodrique benson: yep
socalimandingos: Good.
SO yea, basically, I dont even have to say much to that. It just shows what I deal with regularly when it comes to myspace. I get people with crazy ideas all the time. I mean I still get the occasional friend request from a seemingly normal person:
and then I see that their page says this:
About me:
hi my name is shonda and i am a good person to hangout with.and i also like to do fun things like going out to the club and i also on here to meet me some new friends so i can chat with.and i also like to hang with my homegirls and homeboys when they be around.and for the ones that is hating on shonda can lick shonda ass.and for the are not hating on shonda send me a message.and do you know that i like to get my drink on and my smoke on.and what up hi yall doing.
Considering we have so much in common, how could I not want to be friends with her? Do I know that she like to get her drink on and her smoke on? No. Maybe I’m a hater for that. Maybe I should lick shonda a$$. Maybe I’ll send back a message like the one I got from this guy:
Subject: i can guess ur name
Body: KYLE
then 2 months later...
Subject: sup kyle
Body: wat u up 2
First a wrong guess, then a repeat performance. I just don’t have an answer for this. I REALLY didn’t have for the next girl either...
She sent me this:
u wack
So I sent back:
haha thats funny
She replied:
keep it movvin u hella fake
Then I said:
do i kno u? haha how can i keep it movin u dont even exist
Of course she answered:
leave me alone i kno u and u are fake and i dont get what tha hell i see in u stop writin me bye
I honestly don’t even know this girl. I’ve never met her or talked to her in my life, so why is she so hostile? Who knows? I think she must have me confused because this was her headline on her page:
Stop smiling at me, get that look off your face Please dont even front, stop being so fake I know you don't like me, yeah you've made it very clearYou always talkin' 'bout me from what I hear Always put me down when you thought that you could
??? Who knows? Maybe she has seen my funny myspace messages and is now trying to be crazy just to get on here like the girl who sent me this:
(I won’t show her photo, because I’m not really makin fun of her)
nice eyes wanna f*ck!!
thinking that this was myspace message gold, I sent her back:
you cant be serious
She then hit me back with:
im just playin with u...i just read ur blog on ur web site about all those people sending u myspace messages.
Damn, so close, but she actually got me I guess. I really wanted to use that. That wasn’t the only time...
This is from a different girl:
Subject: heyyyyyy
Body: So are you in Los Angeles or up north?? Whats up?
Honestly, it wasn’t a bad message and the girl didn’t look bad. She wasn’t odd or crazy. I didn’t even think twice about it. Then I got this the next day:
Subject: My Bad
Body: Long story short, I came accross your website today and found the part about Myspace Girls really funny. Then I remembered that I messaged you something stupid yesterday while I was really bored at work. It doesn't matter at all because I don't know you, but I'm just pretty embarassed that I presented myself as some unintelligent breezy looking for sweet lovin' on Myspace. Anyways, just wanted to say keep on' writing because you're great at it...
-Cindy
To me, the attempted retraction was funnier than anything she could have said, but I guess it was necessary.
I’ll leave this edition with this last bit. See this girl is really nice, and if she reads this, I hope she understands that I just couldn’t leave this last message alone...
Body: lol Hi Rod. My name is Chrissy; I am 27 yrs old from Vancouver Island, Canada. I just finished reading 1 of ur hilarious blogs about funny myspace messages! lol it was REEEALLY funny & entertaining; you really have quite a talent for comedic writing & i just had to message you to tell you how impressive you are lol. & you seem like a REEAALLY gr8 person & i like you & I want to add you as a myspace friend...lol
Thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. I mean wow, what a nice compliment. I didn’t respond because I was busy trying to win a D-League championship. It was then that I got like 3 more messages, one of which was this:
WOW! Ur REEEALLY an aWESOME person & ur VERY popular & every 1 LOVES you! lol You should be FAMOUS! lol You seem like a really gr8 guy, ur funny, smart, intelligent, witty, charismatic, well rounded, good head on ur shoulders & all that good stuff lol I'm really impressed with you! Do you have ANY flaws? lol Do you go to church? My Dad's name is Rod; Rodney actually; he has funny nick names Rooney & Roonster lol! You know what's really weird? I've never really met any black ppl b4; i live in sorta small town & there just wasn't any blacks here when i was growing up. So now i'm 27 & never met any blacks or had any black friends. Except for recently i met 2 at church lol they really nice ppl 1 is a young guy name Anthony who just married pretty white wife & now they just had an adorable baby...Anthony plays keybpoard for our church & he is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! You should see him HE TOTALLY ROCKS OUT On the keyboard! Alot of blacks came to our church last summer for Anthony's wedding..I like their energy! & i shook hands & met 1 really nice older black man who comes to our church sometimes. & that's about all my experience with black ppl I've had b4..i feel sad about that ..lol i hope i'm not giving you MORE material for ur blogs about funny myspace messages! LOL!
Cmon now girl, why did you have to send me this? What’s weirder than the fact that your dad’s nickname is “Roonster”? Oh yea, the fact that you’ve never met any black people. Except for those 2 at church. YOU LOVE THEIR ENERGY. Oh man. I’m glad you are meeting some solid black people, but coddamn this was one of the funniest things I’ve read in my life. You definitely DID give me more material, but don’t take it personally...if you like my blogs, you should see me on a keyboard.
Funny MySpace Messages 6
March/11/2007 10:49 AM
Uh oh, looks like it’s time for the 6th edition of funny myspace messages. For whatever reason, you all seem to like these the best. I still think they are absurd, but hey, I’ll play along if it means somebody will think it’s funny. Well enough for the intro, I’ve got what you came here for, so let’s get into it...
Underage women will just never get it. First there was “ScoobyDoo”:
ScoobyDoo is 15 years old. ScoobyDoo’s headline reads: ALL YA'LL HOES NEEDS 2 STOP HATIN. ScoobyDoo sent me this:
u really play basketball
so I sent back:
no, I just say that so that girls will get at me on myspace
It’s like come on now little girl. My profile says I play basketball, half of my pics are of me hanging from the coddamn rim, and all you think to say to me was that? I mean absolutely nothing can be said that could make me wanna holla at a 15 year old girl, but you can step your effort up! She hit me back with this:
oh ok u got me on that one
Oh you think? Glad you figured that one out all by yourself.
Then there was 8@mB3®L!c!0u$ . In case you dont know what that says, it’s “MySpace” for “Bambe-licious”. Right when I read the display name, I knew this chick had to be like 13 years old. That, and the fact that this was her photo:
This is what she sent me:
Th@nk$ 4 d@ @dd. L3t m3 $pr!nkl3 d@t l!c!0u$ l0v3 0n y0 p@g3....$pr!nkl3 $pr!nkl3....
Holy hell, who do you think I am? Do you really think I have the patience to sit here and decode this coddamn message? How much effort does it take to write somethin like that out, replacing all the I’s with !’s and all the E’s with 3’s? You must be kidding. No way you could survive on a show like “Wheel of Fortune.” I can see it now...”I’d like to buy a vowel.” “Which one?” “I’d like to buy a 3, please.” “Vana, do we have any 3’s? Sorry, no 3’s.” There is no way this girl has even graduated junior high, right? Wrong. She’s 20 muthalovin years old! 20! Are you serious? Go to class! Get a job! Do something better with yourself than write these messages that require a keyword to decode. Her future may not be too bright considering the fact that in her “who I’d like to meet” section, she had this:
Of course that’s who you’d like to meet. Sweet. I bet they all type in code too...
I thought she was young, but BR@NDI really was 16. Would you like to meet her? Ok, here she is:
Yep. That’s really her picture. She actually took this photo, liked it, asked her girlfriends what they thought, agreed with them that it was good enough for myspace, then uploaded it. Showing your grill is one thing, but looking like a rabid doberman is another. Brandi sent me this:
so ulive in L.A
I was way too overwhelmed by her photo to even let that ride. I hit her back with:
way too old for u
I felt like that was better than telling her that the Halloween store is seasonal, so no, they are not hiring right now. So she hit me with this:
i wasnt tryin to get with you noh i have a man
That’s interesting that she would say that. Why would you want to know if I lived in L.A. in the first place? You wanted to send me mail or something? I highly doubt it. My boy Clayton and I were talking about it. See, Clayton has like 8500 myspace friends, so he knows his stuff maybe even better than me. He says that people do this because they don’t want the shame of being turned down. So I asked him if he had any other concrete examples. Haha of course he did. He forwarded me a couple messages that he got in the past few days, starting with this one:
What it do man.
I guess Clayton read the message, but didn’t respond. Probly because this was the person who sent it:
Well, on myspace, you can tell if someone has read your message or not. I guess “Fly Guy”, as he calls himself, noticed that the message had been read, so he hit Clayton up again:
Yo man, am I not good enough for a response? Come on dont do it dirty like that
Well, I’m sure that Clay is now thinking that this guy is not only gay (Clay’s so straight he eats his hot dogs from the middle first), but that he has some sort of self esteem issues. So clay sends back something like “I didn’t respond because I’m not gay, I don’t get down like that.” So “Fly Guy” responds by saying:
Yo it aint even that type party here man, dont know where you get that idea from buddy.
Hmm, really guy? You don’t know where he got that idea from? You asked him if you were good enough homie! You told him not to do you dirty like that! Last time I checked, that’s a pretty good idea what type of party it is. Sounds like you play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Actually, turns out one of your teammates got at my boy Clayton too:
His name is “ ///////////////////////// IM STILL ME BITCH ////// “... whatever that means. He is just another guy in a long list of guys who ignore the “straight” tag on the myspace profile and still get at heterosexual men. Here’s what he had to say to Clay:
Whats good man,
Yo Im moving from Minnesota to Cali in about a month..
lookin for a friend to show me around..
Yea, there’s no denying it for this guy. It’s definitely that type of party. Actually, I thought it was funny because his “orientation” tag said “not sure,” but there were plenty of signs on his page that he was sure. Like the fact that is background music was by some musician named “Nasty Nate.” I’m sure that to most of you, that name means nothing, but to anyone who has seen the movie “Half Baked” it means a lot. Nasty Nate is the name of the gay guy who constantly tries to “welcome” the cop killer to prison. Anyways, there was another sign that he was definitely gay, and that was the fact that all of his top friends had the signature gay pose
Hey look, I have no problem with anyone’s orientation, but why is it that gay men have a real high tendency to take pictures that show their pubic hair, honestly? Lordy lordy, it’s tough for me to even sit here and comment on this considering I have to see the pic in order for you to see it. Oh yea, i thought this football pose was pretty funny too:
Shoulder pads and nothing else is so the hottest look right now. I saw it in GQ.
Well, Clay and I laughed about his little messages, but I knew that mine were still funnier. His man-tastical messages still have nothing on mine. I mean seriously, who sends a message like this:
I am doing an research paper for school, topic , torture, I wanted someone that is cool to do certain things to simulate this (step on me , spit , ect)
If you can use a car to getaround tonight and sun, hit me up you can have the car to use if you are coo to help me with this research, holla for more info
I don’t quite know if you read that right. This guy just invited me over to spit on him, seriously. He seriously, honestly sent me this. I checked his page. His name is “What it Doe!” and this is him:
Yea, wow huh? His main pic wasn’t as funny to me as his other pic:
Why the hell are you taking a picture of you feet, son? Why do you think people would wanna see that. The shoes aren’t cool, you’re obviously sitting at your computer, in your desk chair. Did you sniff some rubber cement at work and just go crazy? You’re 33 years old, what paper could you possibly be writing? I decided that I needed at least some answer to this madness. So I sent him this:
what the heck r u talkin about
I just had to know, ya know? Well, he hit me back with this:
I am writing a paper for my research paper, I wanted someone to simulate torture by doin certain things to me, like step on me, pierce me ect, and in return I will let you use my car, if the car use is something you can use
Forreal guy? So you ARE serious? No way. No way can you be writing a research paper. This is exactly how good people end up the next subject for “CSI: Miami.” There’s no way that this is a real paper. This guy can’t even formulate a coherent myspace message, let alone write a research paper. He wants me to PIERCE him? Hoolllllyyyyy $h!t that’s off the chains. This guy browses myspace looking for men to come by and pierce him, not even caring about the consequences. I can only assume that it’s because he is the one you should be a afraid of. That’s just unreal. I wonder if anyone actually met this guy....hopefully they’re still alive. I sent this back to him:
Wow thats a pretty hardcore study. Youre gonna let random people pierce you? and give them YOUR car? Thats crazy man
That ended it. He hasn’t messaged me back since. Luckily he was the only guy to cross the line in the past few months. That doesn’t mean that the girls stopped by any means. Check out these girls:
These girls all have one myspace page together. Their display name reads “WE BE THOSE GO GETTAS CHICKS” ... creative I know. They sent me this ambitious message, twice:
HEY YOU
DAMN ARE YOU WITH DA BIZ?
WE IF SO YOU SHOULD
GET TO KNOW DA GO GETTER CHICKS
YA DIGG
WELL YEAH YOU SHOULD
HOLLA AT US DO YOU LIKE
TO FUN IF SO .....YOU KNOW
WHAT TO DO !!!! HOLLA AT YO GIRLS
WE ROLL DIP CAN YOU HANDLE IT???
DONT THINK SO BUT WE'LL FIND OUT
ADD OR PAGE<3
I can honestly say I have no idea what the hell any of that means. Not one word. I mean coddamn, there are 5 of you, can’t one you type a coherent word? I guess they roll “DIP”, hope I can handle it! I figure, mann, might as well type something back that not even I understand and see if they can decipher it:
oh fa sho go gettaz lemme kno wutz really good wit it get back at me and we could do tha dam thang if u feelin it holla back
Damn, I’m just not as good at it as they are. Mann, it sucks that I had a good education sometimes...oh well. They didn’t seem to mind how well spoken I was:
we FEEL IT
LOL BUT YEAH GET AT
YOUR GIRLS
714/944/XXXX
I took out part of their number so that you crazy’s won’t call them or anything, but yea, they are definitely ready like spaghetti. It’s funny, but I think I just reinforced everything I stand against. These girls are all 14-16, and now that I responded to them, they think they can do it all the time. I mean, maybe they already do. I guess I’ve definitely responded to worse:
Hey there sexy! What's up just stopping by your page to show u some love.. Just want to say thanks for adding me to your web page. Well have a good day on the other side of the world. U know what to do holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
Hey, I know what you’re thinking: “of course you should respond to a message like this, Rod.” Well, think again:
Funky butt lovin- look at her! No way, I should respond to that. Haha, well, turns out I did. I just wanted to throw out something really ridiculous so that she would get the point that I couldn’t really be interested:
hey sweet ann. what have u been up to? I just got back from a trip to New Zealand. I wwas a guest on a ship that caught the biggest squid ever. Hit me back.
Hahaha. I just told her that I caught the biggest squid ever. There’s no way she should consider me serious whatsoever. Welllllll, wrong again. This girl proceeded to send me all of these over the last 3 weeks. I got one today, actually:
Hey there sweet and sexy!! So how is everything with u hope all is good. Well just strolling down your page to show some of my love to u. Well just take care and be safe for me. Well u know what to do holla at your gurl!
Sweetann
Hey there my Boo!! So how is it just thought I stop by and show u some mad love on your page. Justed wanted to know how your day was hope all is good with. Well i was just thinking about u and seeing if your doing the same. Well got to go now take care, u know what to do holla at your gurl..
Hey hottie! how r u, just stopping by your page to show u some love. So how was your weekend hope it was good as it is for me. So what been going on with u these days did anything good or u just chillin. So hope u doing ok, well got to go now have a good day. U know what to do holla at your gurl!
SweetAnn
ey sexy! What's up with u these days. Just passing through your page to show u some of my love!! Well how was your day there, hope all is good. Well I miss u already wish I can see but I'm so far away from u, only time can tell. But u just never might not know. I will be there in the summer to vist my cousin Jennifer. Well got to go now u know what to do holla at your gurl!!
there sexy! What's up, I'm glad u had a good time on your trip to New Zealand. So how was it in New Zeland was there alot to do back like site see. Did u buy anything nice for any of your friends and family back there. If u ever take another trip make sure u come and vist me here on Guam. I'm planing on go to vist my cousin back there in the states in Californa, during the summer. She going to show me around when I get back there. Well got to go now bye.. take care and be safe.
Oh no, what have I done? How could she really believe I caught the biggest squid ever? How? Why was she messaging me so much now? I haven’t responded since! Dang, I dont know if this will ever stop. In fact, I think it’s crazy enough that she said she “misses” me “already.” How can you miss me and we’ve never met? How crazy are you? Mann you can’t just use myspace as an excuse to go crazy, you just can’t. But then again, I guess it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary anymore.
This last girl kind of falls into her own category. I’ve never gotten a message like this before, and I assume that by posting it here, it can only make matters worse, but then again, I just have to:
you are lame. if you hate bismarck and north dakota so much then leave cuz we sure as hell dont want you here. go fulfill your nba fantasies somewhere else. especially since you think pretty much all north dakota girls are fat and you hate on the bars. if you dont like the fuckin smoke then dont go. just leave north dakota. no one wants an asshole like you here.
When I got this I felt like a retard. I’m sitting here in my apartment thinking to myself “Mann, did you really offend someone like this? No way. She has it all wrong. I’m not a bad guy at all.” So I sent this back:
Haha well Im sorry you feel so strongly, for one. Im about to update my blog tomorrow about how much Ive actually come to like it here, mainly because the people are so nice. But I can understand if you take issue with what I wrote, hey, I wrote it the first week I was there, so it was a culture shock. Anyways, you can hate me or whatever, but I don't resent your comments because I would feel the same way in your position. Just know that I dont hate Bismarck, but after the first night out, at Buck no less, that was all I saw.
Rod
P.S. You should never take anything I write so seriously, Im pretty sure nobody who knows me REALLY believes I could hate any place as much as you think I do.
So I’m on AIM, and I’ve sent the message to a couple of my friends, including JGant. This is the conversation we have:
JGant Me
Who wrote that?
some random chick on myspace
Wow
I feel that msg...she was serious
yea tell me about it
12:35 AM
Goodness...calm down
hahah forreal
She must b the mayor or sumthin...she caring a bit too much
i sent her back such a nice message
U get the weirdest msgs on myspace
How u get all that...I gets no love attall
I mean renaissance
haha
Were lovers not fighters
After talkin with JGant, I realize that he’s right. This is a myspace message. I have free reign to add it to my messages and peep her page. So the next day when I was kinda over being sad that I had angered someone so much, I went back and looked at her page. Haha, so, ladies and gentlemen, this is her:
To be honest, I don’t know which one is her, because her profile is set to “private.” No matter...so00o much to work with here anyways. What this looks like to me is that she is actually not angry at my initial feelings about Bismarck, I think she is one of the nasty, smoky chicks that I turned down one night. She’s gotta be. I mean honestly, her message says “you think pretty much all North Dakota girls are fat.” To me, that says that you must be one of those girls. Hey, it aint my fault I have a faster metabolism, that’s just life. I’ve since met a ton of girls out here who, for one, look wayyy better than you, so you don’t have to worry about what I think about the girls, and for two, would never, ever put stunna shades on and take a myspace pic like that. None of the girls I have since met have a display name that reads “hell yeah, THE motherf*cking princes” . None of these girls have a headline that reads “in a second you'll be wrapped around my finger, cuz i can do it better”. Do you really think that you have men wrapped around your finger? I actually have to assume that you will read this. I must say that in the history of men, no man was born thinking “I want a fat, smoky girl. Actually, hell yea, I want the muthaf*cking princess! She can do it better!” How can you even get mad if I criticize a bar? You are 20 years old, stay at your house party and have and older friend buy you beer next time you wanna get online and talk reckless. Hey, I have an I.D., I’ll get you some. Look, I should stop, because I really not even a mean person, but when it comes to myspace messages, it’s all fair game to me. All I have to say is, in closing, that I have no problem with Bismarck whatsoever. Like any new thing, it takes time to get used to. I’m from southern California, and I know tons of people who can’t stand it down there. I just happen to be the kind of person (like 99.9% of the people I met in Bismarck so far) who would suggest other types of scenes down there instead of hide behind a whack myspace page and tell them to leave. If you think I’m really hard on the town, or whatever, you might be right, but my sentiments have changed. Besides, I’m really hard on myself if you took the time to read anything else on my site. Well, regardless, if it wasn’t a myspace message, it wouldn’t be here, but it was. So don’t consider me making fun of you an attack, consider yourself like everyone else in this post, just another person who messaged the wrong guy.
Underage women will just never get it. First there was “ScoobyDoo”:
ScoobyDoo is 15 years old. ScoobyDoo’s headline reads: ALL YA'LL HOES NEEDS 2 STOP HATIN. ScoobyDoo sent me this:
u really play basketball
so I sent back:
no, I just say that so that girls will get at me on myspace
It’s like come on now little girl. My profile says I play basketball, half of my pics are of me hanging from the coddamn rim, and all you think to say to me was that? I mean absolutely nothing can be said that could make me wanna holla at a 15 year old girl, but you can step your effort up! She hit me back with this:
oh ok u got me on that one
Oh you think? Glad you figured that one out all by yourself.
Then there was 8@mB3®L!c!0u$ . In case you dont know what that says, it’s “MySpace” for “Bambe-licious”. Right when I read the display name, I knew this chick had to be like 13 years old. That, and the fact that this was her photo:
This is what she sent me:
Th@nk$ 4 d@ @dd. L3t m3 $pr!nkl3 d@t l!c!0u$ l0v3 0n y0 p@g3....$pr!nkl3 $pr!nkl3....
Holy hell, who do you think I am? Do you really think I have the patience to sit here and decode this coddamn message? How much effort does it take to write somethin like that out, replacing all the I’s with !’s and all the E’s with 3’s? You must be kidding. No way you could survive on a show like “Wheel of Fortune.” I can see it now...”I’d like to buy a vowel.” “Which one?” “I’d like to buy a 3, please.” “Vana, do we have any 3’s? Sorry, no 3’s.” There is no way this girl has even graduated junior high, right? Wrong. She’s 20 muthalovin years old! 20! Are you serious? Go to class! Get a job! Do something better with yourself than write these messages that require a keyword to decode. Her future may not be too bright considering the fact that in her “who I’d like to meet” section, she had this:
Of course that’s who you’d like to meet. Sweet. I bet they all type in code too...
I thought she was young, but BR@NDI really was 16. Would you like to meet her? Ok, here she is:
Yep. That’s really her picture. She actually took this photo, liked it, asked her girlfriends what they thought, agreed with them that it was good enough for myspace, then uploaded it. Showing your grill is one thing, but looking like a rabid doberman is another. Brandi sent me this:
so ulive in L.A
I was way too overwhelmed by her photo to even let that ride. I hit her back with:
way too old for u
I felt like that was better than telling her that the Halloween store is seasonal, so no, they are not hiring right now. So she hit me with this:
i wasnt tryin to get with you noh i have a man
That’s interesting that she would say that. Why would you want to know if I lived in L.A. in the first place? You wanted to send me mail or something? I highly doubt it. My boy Clayton and I were talking about it. See, Clayton has like 8500 myspace friends, so he knows his stuff maybe even better than me. He says that people do this because they don’t want the shame of being turned down. So I asked him if he had any other concrete examples. Haha of course he did. He forwarded me a couple messages that he got in the past few days, starting with this one:
What it do man.
I guess Clayton read the message, but didn’t respond. Probly because this was the person who sent it:
Well, on myspace, you can tell if someone has read your message or not. I guess “Fly Guy”, as he calls himself, noticed that the message had been read, so he hit Clayton up again:
Yo man, am I not good enough for a response? Come on dont do it dirty like that
Well, I’m sure that Clay is now thinking that this guy is not only gay (Clay’s so straight he eats his hot dogs from the middle first), but that he has some sort of self esteem issues. So clay sends back something like “I didn’t respond because I’m not gay, I don’t get down like that.” So “Fly Guy” responds by saying:
Yo it aint even that type party here man, dont know where you get that idea from buddy.
Hmm, really guy? You don’t know where he got that idea from? You asked him if you were good enough homie! You told him not to do you dirty like that! Last time I checked, that’s a pretty good idea what type of party it is. Sounds like you play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Actually, turns out one of your teammates got at my boy Clayton too:
His name is “ ///////////////////////// IM STILL ME BITCH ////// “... whatever that means. He is just another guy in a long list of guys who ignore the “straight” tag on the myspace profile and still get at heterosexual men. Here’s what he had to say to Clay:
Whats good man,
Yo Im moving from Minnesota to Cali in about a month..
lookin for a friend to show me around..
Yea, there’s no denying it for this guy. It’s definitely that type of party. Actually, I thought it was funny because his “orientation” tag said “not sure,” but there were plenty of signs on his page that he was sure. Like the fact that is background music was by some musician named “Nasty Nate.” I’m sure that to most of you, that name means nothing, but to anyone who has seen the movie “Half Baked” it means a lot. Nasty Nate is the name of the gay guy who constantly tries to “welcome” the cop killer to prison. Anyways, there was another sign that he was definitely gay, and that was the fact that all of his top friends had the signature gay pose
Hey look, I have no problem with anyone’s orientation, but why is it that gay men have a real high tendency to take pictures that show their pubic hair, honestly? Lordy lordy, it’s tough for me to even sit here and comment on this considering I have to see the pic in order for you to see it. Oh yea, i thought this football pose was pretty funny too:
Shoulder pads and nothing else is so the hottest look right now. I saw it in GQ.
Well, Clay and I laughed about his little messages, but I knew that mine were still funnier. His man-tastical messages still have nothing on mine. I mean seriously, who sends a message like this:
I am doing an research paper for school, topic , torture, I wanted someone that is cool to do certain things to simulate this (step on me , spit , ect)
If you can use a car to getaround tonight and sun, hit me up you can have the car to use if you are coo to help me with this research, holla for more info
I don’t quite know if you read that right. This guy just invited me over to spit on him, seriously. He seriously, honestly sent me this. I checked his page. His name is “What it Doe!” and this is him:
Yea, wow huh? His main pic wasn’t as funny to me as his other pic:
Why the hell are you taking a picture of you feet, son? Why do you think people would wanna see that. The shoes aren’t cool, you’re obviously sitting at your computer, in your desk chair. Did you sniff some rubber cement at work and just go crazy? You’re 33 years old, what paper could you possibly be writing? I decided that I needed at least some answer to this madness. So I sent him this:
what the heck r u talkin about
I just had to know, ya know? Well, he hit me back with this:
I am writing a paper for my research paper, I wanted someone to simulate torture by doin certain things to me, like step on me, pierce me ect, and in return I will let you use my car, if the car use is something you can use
Forreal guy? So you ARE serious? No way. No way can you be writing a research paper. This is exactly how good people end up the next subject for “CSI: Miami.” There’s no way that this is a real paper. This guy can’t even formulate a coherent myspace message, let alone write a research paper. He wants me to PIERCE him? Hoolllllyyyyy $h!t that’s off the chains. This guy browses myspace looking for men to come by and pierce him, not even caring about the consequences. I can only assume that it’s because he is the one you should be a afraid of. That’s just unreal. I wonder if anyone actually met this guy....hopefully they’re still alive. I sent this back to him:
Wow thats a pretty hardcore study. Youre gonna let random people pierce you? and give them YOUR car? Thats crazy man
That ended it. He hasn’t messaged me back since. Luckily he was the only guy to cross the line in the past few months. That doesn’t mean that the girls stopped by any means. Check out these girls:
These girls all have one myspace page together. Their display name reads “WE BE THOSE GO GETTAS CHICKS” ... creative I know. They sent me this ambitious message, twice:
HEY YOU
DAMN ARE YOU WITH DA BIZ?
WE IF SO YOU SHOULD
GET TO KNOW DA GO GETTER CHICKS
YA DIGG
WELL YEAH YOU SHOULD
HOLLA AT US DO YOU LIKE
TO FUN IF SO .....YOU KNOW
WHAT TO DO !!!! HOLLA AT YO GIRLS
WE ROLL DIP CAN YOU HANDLE IT???
DONT THINK SO BUT WE'LL FIND OUT
ADD OR PAGE<3
I can honestly say I have no idea what the hell any of that means. Not one word. I mean coddamn, there are 5 of you, can’t one you type a coherent word? I guess they roll “DIP”, hope I can handle it! I figure, mann, might as well type something back that not even I understand and see if they can decipher it:
oh fa sho go gettaz lemme kno wutz really good wit it get back at me and we could do tha dam thang if u feelin it holla back
Damn, I’m just not as good at it as they are. Mann, it sucks that I had a good education sometimes...oh well. They didn’t seem to mind how well spoken I was:
we FEEL IT
LOL BUT YEAH GET AT
YOUR GIRLS
714/944/XXXX
I took out part of their number so that you crazy’s won’t call them or anything, but yea, they are definitely ready like spaghetti. It’s funny, but I think I just reinforced everything I stand against. These girls are all 14-16, and now that I responded to them, they think they can do it all the time. I mean, maybe they already do. I guess I’ve definitely responded to worse:
Hey there sexy! What's up just stopping by your page to show u some love.. Just want to say thanks for adding me to your web page. Well have a good day on the other side of the world. U know what to do holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
Hey, I know what you’re thinking: “of course you should respond to a message like this, Rod.” Well, think again:
Funky butt lovin- look at her! No way, I should respond to that. Haha, well, turns out I did. I just wanted to throw out something really ridiculous so that she would get the point that I couldn’t really be interested:
hey sweet ann. what have u been up to? I just got back from a trip to New Zealand. I wwas a guest on a ship that caught the biggest squid ever. Hit me back.
Hahaha. I just told her that I caught the biggest squid ever. There’s no way she should consider me serious whatsoever. Welllllll, wrong again. This girl proceeded to send me all of these over the last 3 weeks. I got one today, actually:
Hey there sweet and sexy!! So how is everything with u hope all is good. Well just strolling down your page to show some of my love to u. Well just take care and be safe for me. Well u know what to do holla at your gurl!
Sweetann
Hey there my Boo!! So how is it just thought I stop by and show u some mad love on your page. Justed wanted to know how your day was hope all is good with. Well i was just thinking about u and seeing if your doing the same. Well got to go now take care, u know what to do holla at your gurl..
Hey hottie! how r u, just stopping by your page to show u some love. So how was your weekend hope it was good as it is for me. So what been going on with u these days did anything good or u just chillin. So hope u doing ok, well got to go now have a good day. U know what to do holla at your gurl!
SweetAnn
ey sexy! What's up with u these days. Just passing through your page to show u some of my love!! Well how was your day there, hope all is good. Well I miss u already wish I can see but I'm so far away from u, only time can tell. But u just never might not know. I will be there in the summer to vist my cousin Jennifer. Well got to go now u know what to do holla at your gurl!!
there sexy! What's up, I'm glad u had a good time on your trip to New Zealand. So how was it in New Zeland was there alot to do back like site see. Did u buy anything nice for any of your friends and family back there. If u ever take another trip make sure u come and vist me here on Guam. I'm planing on go to vist my cousin back there in the states in Californa, during the summer. She going to show me around when I get back there. Well got to go now bye.. take care and be safe.
Oh no, what have I done? How could she really believe I caught the biggest squid ever? How? Why was she messaging me so much now? I haven’t responded since! Dang, I dont know if this will ever stop. In fact, I think it’s crazy enough that she said she “misses” me “already.” How can you miss me and we’ve never met? How crazy are you? Mann you can’t just use myspace as an excuse to go crazy, you just can’t. But then again, I guess it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary anymore.
This last girl kind of falls into her own category. I’ve never gotten a message like this before, and I assume that by posting it here, it can only make matters worse, but then again, I just have to:
you are lame. if you hate bismarck and north dakota so much then leave cuz we sure as hell dont want you here. go fulfill your nba fantasies somewhere else. especially since you think pretty much all north dakota girls are fat and you hate on the bars. if you dont like the fuckin smoke then dont go. just leave north dakota. no one wants an asshole like you here.
When I got this I felt like a retard. I’m sitting here in my apartment thinking to myself “Mann, did you really offend someone like this? No way. She has it all wrong. I’m not a bad guy at all.” So I sent this back:
Haha well Im sorry you feel so strongly, for one. Im about to update my blog tomorrow about how much Ive actually come to like it here, mainly because the people are so nice. But I can understand if you take issue with what I wrote, hey, I wrote it the first week I was there, so it was a culture shock. Anyways, you can hate me or whatever, but I don't resent your comments because I would feel the same way in your position. Just know that I dont hate Bismarck, but after the first night out, at Buck no less, that was all I saw.
Rod
P.S. You should never take anything I write so seriously, Im pretty sure nobody who knows me REALLY believes I could hate any place as much as you think I do.
So I’m on AIM, and I’ve sent the message to a couple of my friends, including JGant. This is the conversation we have:
JGant Me
Who wrote that?
some random chick on myspace
Wow
I feel that msg...she was serious
yea tell me about it
12:35 AM
Goodness...calm down
hahah forreal
She must b the mayor or sumthin...she caring a bit too much
i sent her back such a nice message
U get the weirdest msgs on myspace
How u get all that...I gets no love attall
I mean renaissance
haha
Were lovers not fighters
After talkin with JGant, I realize that he’s right. This is a myspace message. I have free reign to add it to my messages and peep her page. So the next day when I was kinda over being sad that I had angered someone so much, I went back and looked at her page. Haha, so, ladies and gentlemen, this is her:
To be honest, I don’t know which one is her, because her profile is set to “private.” No matter...so00o much to work with here anyways. What this looks like to me is that she is actually not angry at my initial feelings about Bismarck, I think she is one of the nasty, smoky chicks that I turned down one night. She’s gotta be. I mean honestly, her message says “you think pretty much all North Dakota girls are fat.” To me, that says that you must be one of those girls. Hey, it aint my fault I have a faster metabolism, that’s just life. I’ve since met a ton of girls out here who, for one, look wayyy better than you, so you don’t have to worry about what I think about the girls, and for two, would never, ever put stunna shades on and take a myspace pic like that. None of the girls I have since met have a display name that reads “hell yeah, THE motherf*cking princes” . None of these girls have a headline that reads “in a second you'll be wrapped around my finger, cuz i can do it better”. Do you really think that you have men wrapped around your finger? I actually have to assume that you will read this. I must say that in the history of men, no man was born thinking “I want a fat, smoky girl. Actually, hell yea, I want the muthaf*cking princess! She can do it better!” How can you even get mad if I criticize a bar? You are 20 years old, stay at your house party and have and older friend buy you beer next time you wanna get online and talk reckless. Hey, I have an I.D., I’ll get you some. Look, I should stop, because I really not even a mean person, but when it comes to myspace messages, it’s all fair game to me. All I have to say is, in closing, that I have no problem with Bismarck whatsoever. Like any new thing, it takes time to get used to. I’m from southern California, and I know tons of people who can’t stand it down there. I just happen to be the kind of person (like 99.9% of the people I met in Bismarck so far) who would suggest other types of scenes down there instead of hide behind a whack myspace page and tell them to leave. If you think I’m really hard on the town, or whatever, you might be right, but my sentiments have changed. Besides, I’m really hard on myself if you took the time to read anything else on my site. Well, regardless, if it wasn’t a myspace message, it wouldn’t be here, but it was. So don’t consider me making fun of you an attack, consider yourself like everyone else in this post, just another person who messaged the wrong guy.
Funny MySpace Messages 5
January/26/2007 10:30 AM
I think I should just accept the fact that 15 year old girls will send me messages. I used to get all mad, but ahh what the heck...I guess at the end of the day it’s a compliment...right? Hahahah Psych! Yea right. These little girls really, really, think that I’ll respond to them. Im 22 years old! Why in the world would I respond to you? Take this young lady for example:
She sent me this:
you should get me tickets to ur next game!?!?!?!
First of all, she lives in like Ohio or something so how in the world would I give her tickets? Secondly, is this a question or a statement? And why the heck is she so damn excited? Well I guess it only makes sense seeing how she hasn’t even had 10th grade english yet. This was on her profile:
“Hey people my name is Sam im a Sophmore at hillsboro high school. I did cheerleading but i hated it and i will never do it again. Mikee aguliar and aly tarpley are my bwest friends. And Gordo is my body guard so dont try to mess with me!!”
She wants tickets and here’s what I know about her: She hates cheerleading, she is 14 or 15, and she has people who she refers to as “bwest” friends. No tickets for u lil bebe...
The fact of the matter is it could always get worse...like this girl:
Its the girl on the right... 15 years old. Her display name, literally is “WHY U HATE ME BECAUSE MAN WIFE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” me: What the heck does that mean? The only thing I hated right off the bat was her damn display name. Heres what she sent me:
hay
Body: hay wats poppin
Hayy? Nothins poppin cuz ur 10 years too young and 100 lbs too heavy lil bebe.
no
Body: u don't me but hay
I dont you but hay. I...dont you.... but hay. That’s interesting. I think I should send her a message back..It would read “Normally do meet frut.” I dont even know what that means but I bet she could gather some meaning from it. Notice the subject of the message..”no”. Was that supposed to be in between “dont” and “me”? Is she actually smarter than what Im giving her credit for and she is trying to determine if I can figure out her code? I decided to check out her page to see what she has to say...
“
WUZ GOOD THIS CRYSTAL WHITE WATS UP MYSPACE IM 15YEARS OLD I ATTEND SCEP IM DARK SKIN AND SEXY WITH A BIG BOTTY THEY MRS. NEW BOTTY OK DONT HATE I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A SHUT OUT TO CHRISTEN AND ALL THE PEOPLE OUT THE PARK R.I.P RICEHEAD OK IM 5"0 AND IF I NIGGA WANNA THUMP LETS GET THEN FOR REAL OK HATEZ AND BITCHES SO GET MY DICK BITCHES MAYBE ONE DAY YOUR MAN WANT TO HOLLA AT ME YOOO ILL BE 15 ON MY B-DAY 11/10/06 “
I dont even have to comment on this. She speaks for herself. I only want to know why she read my well written profile and thought that I, display name “Renaissance Man”, would ever go for her 15 yr old self...
Still, this girl was not nearly as bad as her Russian peer. Now I since I get a lot of messages on myspace, I have a very quick way of going about them. I will click on the profile of the sender first, and if they are underage or gay or whatever then I almost instantly disregard whatever they have to say. It sucks for this 16 year old Russian girl who seemed to want a chance, badly:
See how young see looks? Here’s the message she sent me:
hi !
Body: im sasha . im from russia . i play tennis for 9 years and i wanna go to usa to the university !!!!! u r very cute . how r u ??? do u wanna chat ?
Well as you can tell she is very excited!!!!! Anyways I do my usual routine and check the age and of course shes 16 so obviously I DONT WANT TO CHAT so I dont respond. Of course I get this message later that day:
hey !
wuts up ??
Not a bad message right? The content isnt really important what’s important here is that she sent me another message unprompted. Oh well, I laughed a little and let it go.
hey !
Body: hey !!! how r u ?? what r u doing ?? how was ur day ???
Ignore the fact that my day is none of her young business and her overuse of “!!!!” and “???” and focus on the fact that I still havent responded and she is now writing me asking me questions like we know each other or something. My day is none of ur bidness little lady! SO now Im like pllleeaaassseee dont let my “New Messages” have anything to do with her...pleeaaassseee. My pleads were a failure...
hi !
Body: how r u ? how was ur day ?? why u dont u answer ??
-----------------------------------
hi!
Body: pliz answer !!!!!!
how r u ??
do u have msn ??
-----------------------------------
No Subject
Body: hi ! i wanna do to the bercley . wut i need to do ???
-----------------------------------
hi ! whats up ?? how r u ??
give me ur URL ??
-----------------------------------
hey !
Body: whats up ?? give me ur website !!!!pliz
ur so cute !!!
This girl is so ridiculous I might a message from her today. She is the exact reason why I DONT have my website listed on my myspace page because she would go on there and see how bad Im making fun of her. Maybe if she wasnt CRAZY it wouldnt be such an issue.. Watch, Ill end up playing over seas and she’ll find me and stalk me for years...I can see it now...
Some people just love to keep sending messages despite a lack of return message from me. It only gets worse when it’s a man!
He actually just sent me another message today...But Ill start from the top:
THANKS NIGGA FOR THE ADD WHATS GOOD WITH YOU I HAVE SOME PICS YOU CAN SEE
Huh? You have some pics I can see? Why would I wanna see your pics? Im a grown man...ur a grown man...what would lend you to think I wanna see your pics? Well that wasnt the end of it:
WHATS GOOD NIGGA WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN
WHATS GOOD NOGGA
JUST SHOWING SOME LOVE
WHATS GOOD NIGGA
Wow, 3 messages son? What do I do for fun? Youre really taking this thing too far especially considering I HAVENT RESPONDED TO ANY OF YOUR NONSENSE! I thought he was done...but nope, I get a “Request to Approve Image Comment” thing. I wonder what comment is waiting for me? Its from him again. He has commented on the photo of me with my shirt off:
Nice Pic
You just dont make comments like that homie! Mann. I KNOW it’s a nice pic...I mean its me...with my shirt off...it’s awesome. I mean Im not big, but Ive got some pretty good definition...anyways the point is I dont NEED HIM TELLING ME THAT
I swear this guy must have told his boyfriend about me or something cause now I have this guy
sending me stuff.
How rude would I be?
Body: 1. If I told you that the picture where you are a giant is like a fantasy one!
2. If I ask what's your shoe size?
WOW GUY! Youd actually be really really ridiculously rude! In case you dont know what picture hes referring to, Ill show you:
SO when he says this is a fantasy to him I have to cringe in disgust. Its not even meant to be fantasy to women its simply a funny pic from Italy. Now this guy has gone and tarnished my good name over it! And then he wants to ask me my shoe size? TRIPPPPPPPIN! Take another look at this fantasy man...
Of course thats you. Of course.
Ill end this little edition of myspace messages with probably the craziest girl of all time. Now I wish I could show you everything that was involved in this ordeal but I cant because I accidentally deleted the over 50 instant messages she sent me. Thats right 50! As you may or may not know, I list my screen name on my myspace. I suppose I should stop by now, but Im too lazy. Anyways this girl got my screen name and proceeded to send me a message. i dont remember what I said because, like I said, I deleted the messages. Well let me tell you how things usually go. I get a random instant message, I say “who is this?” They usually answer “you dont know me but I saw you on mysapce.” Then I say “What’s your page URL?” Then they give it to me, I check out their page and if they are just blatantly ugly, I dont say another word. Hahahah it’s a little rude but I just dont care. Anyways, when it came time to check this girls profile, I immediately stopped talking:
Its the girl on the right. The point is, I didnt say another word. This girl proceeded to continue to IM me for HOURS. I didnt respond once. I left the room and came back and there were still more and more messages. “please talk to me” “what are you doing?” “If you dont wanna talk just tell me”, but I refused to answer any of them. Not one. I finally log onto my myspace and boom there she is with this message:
hey baby
you don't want to talk to me on aim? im hurt.
holla back baby!
chelsea
This message is after two hours of unreturned IMs!
this is why YOUR hot, this is y YOUR hot! mmmmmm hottie!
This is why your insane!
i love ur smile!
So this is girl is just an all around trip then. If I had all the messages it would help a lot for effect. Just know that shes out there, somewhere, still being crazy.
Before I go I’ll leave you with a little treat.
hey peanut remember me haha
The girl who sent this was on part 3. If you dont remember, shes the one whos friend has fungus on her toe:
She sent me this:
you should get me tickets to ur next game!?!?!?!
First of all, she lives in like Ohio or something so how in the world would I give her tickets? Secondly, is this a question or a statement? And why the heck is she so damn excited? Well I guess it only makes sense seeing how she hasn’t even had 10th grade english yet. This was on her profile:
“Hey people my name is Sam im a Sophmore at hillsboro high school. I did cheerleading but i hated it and i will never do it again. Mikee aguliar and aly tarpley are my bwest friends. And Gordo is my body guard so dont try to mess with me!!”
She wants tickets and here’s what I know about her: She hates cheerleading, she is 14 or 15, and she has people who she refers to as “bwest” friends. No tickets for u lil bebe...
The fact of the matter is it could always get worse...like this girl:
Its the girl on the right... 15 years old. Her display name, literally is “WHY U HATE ME BECAUSE MAN WIFE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” me: What the heck does that mean? The only thing I hated right off the bat was her damn display name. Heres what she sent me:
hay
Body: hay wats poppin
Hayy? Nothins poppin cuz ur 10 years too young and 100 lbs too heavy lil bebe.
no
Body: u don't me but hay
I dont you but hay. I...dont you.... but hay. That’s interesting. I think I should send her a message back..It would read “Normally do meet frut.” I dont even know what that means but I bet she could gather some meaning from it. Notice the subject of the message..”no”. Was that supposed to be in between “dont” and “me”? Is she actually smarter than what Im giving her credit for and she is trying to determine if I can figure out her code? I decided to check out her page to see what she has to say...
“
WUZ GOOD THIS CRYSTAL WHITE WATS UP MYSPACE IM 15YEARS OLD I ATTEND SCEP IM DARK SKIN AND SEXY WITH A BIG BOTTY THEY MRS. NEW BOTTY OK DONT HATE I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A SHUT OUT TO CHRISTEN AND ALL THE PEOPLE OUT THE PARK R.I.P RICEHEAD OK IM 5"0 AND IF I NIGGA WANNA THUMP LETS GET THEN FOR REAL OK HATEZ AND BITCHES SO GET MY DICK BITCHES MAYBE ONE DAY YOUR MAN WANT TO HOLLA AT ME YOOO ILL BE 15 ON MY B-DAY 11/10/06 “
I dont even have to comment on this. She speaks for herself. I only want to know why she read my well written profile and thought that I, display name “Renaissance Man”, would ever go for her 15 yr old self...
Still, this girl was not nearly as bad as her Russian peer. Now I since I get a lot of messages on myspace, I have a very quick way of going about them. I will click on the profile of the sender first, and if they are underage or gay or whatever then I almost instantly disregard whatever they have to say. It sucks for this 16 year old Russian girl who seemed to want a chance, badly:
See how young see looks? Here’s the message she sent me:
hi !
Body: im sasha . im from russia . i play tennis for 9 years and i wanna go to usa to the university !!!!! u r very cute . how r u ??? do u wanna chat ?
Well as you can tell she is very excited!!!!! Anyways I do my usual routine and check the age and of course shes 16 so obviously I DONT WANT TO CHAT so I dont respond. Of course I get this message later that day:
hey !
wuts up ??
Not a bad message right? The content isnt really important what’s important here is that she sent me another message unprompted. Oh well, I laughed a little and let it go.
hey !
Body: hey !!! how r u ?? what r u doing ?? how was ur day ???
Ignore the fact that my day is none of her young business and her overuse of “!!!!” and “???” and focus on the fact that I still havent responded and she is now writing me asking me questions like we know each other or something. My day is none of ur bidness little lady! SO now Im like pllleeaaassseee dont let my “New Messages” have anything to do with her...pleeaaassseee. My pleads were a failure...
hi !
Body: how r u ? how was ur day ?? why u dont u answer ??
-----------------------------------
hi!
Body: pliz answer !!!!!!
how r u ??
do u have msn ??
-----------------------------------
No Subject
Body: hi ! i wanna do to the bercley . wut i need to do ???
-----------------------------------
hi ! whats up ?? how r u ??
give me ur URL ??
-----------------------------------
hey !
Body: whats up ?? give me ur website !!!!pliz
ur so cute !!!
This girl is so ridiculous I might a message from her today. She is the exact reason why I DONT have my website listed on my myspace page because she would go on there and see how bad Im making fun of her. Maybe if she wasnt CRAZY it wouldnt be such an issue.. Watch, Ill end up playing over seas and she’ll find me and stalk me for years...I can see it now...
Some people just love to keep sending messages despite a lack of return message from me. It only gets worse when it’s a man!
He actually just sent me another message today...But Ill start from the top:
THANKS NIGGA FOR THE ADD WHATS GOOD WITH YOU I HAVE SOME PICS YOU CAN SEE
Huh? You have some pics I can see? Why would I wanna see your pics? Im a grown man...ur a grown man...what would lend you to think I wanna see your pics? Well that wasnt the end of it:
WHATS GOOD NIGGA WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN
WHATS GOOD NOGGA
JUST SHOWING SOME LOVE
WHATS GOOD NIGGA
Wow, 3 messages son? What do I do for fun? Youre really taking this thing too far especially considering I HAVENT RESPONDED TO ANY OF YOUR NONSENSE! I thought he was done...but nope, I get a “Request to Approve Image Comment” thing. I wonder what comment is waiting for me? Its from him again. He has commented on the photo of me with my shirt off:
Nice Pic
You just dont make comments like that homie! Mann. I KNOW it’s a nice pic...I mean its me...with my shirt off...it’s awesome. I mean Im not big, but Ive got some pretty good definition...anyways the point is I dont NEED HIM TELLING ME THAT
I swear this guy must have told his boyfriend about me or something cause now I have this guy
sending me stuff.
How rude would I be?
Body: 1. If I told you that the picture where you are a giant is like a fantasy one!
2. If I ask what's your shoe size?
WOW GUY! Youd actually be really really ridiculously rude! In case you dont know what picture hes referring to, Ill show you:
SO when he says this is a fantasy to him I have to cringe in disgust. Its not even meant to be fantasy to women its simply a funny pic from Italy. Now this guy has gone and tarnished my good name over it! And then he wants to ask me my shoe size? TRIPPPPPPPIN! Take another look at this fantasy man...
Of course thats you. Of course.
Ill end this little edition of myspace messages with probably the craziest girl of all time. Now I wish I could show you everything that was involved in this ordeal but I cant because I accidentally deleted the over 50 instant messages she sent me. Thats right 50! As you may or may not know, I list my screen name on my myspace. I suppose I should stop by now, but Im too lazy. Anyways this girl got my screen name and proceeded to send me a message. i dont remember what I said because, like I said, I deleted the messages. Well let me tell you how things usually go. I get a random instant message, I say “who is this?” They usually answer “you dont know me but I saw you on mysapce.” Then I say “What’s your page URL?” Then they give it to me, I check out their page and if they are just blatantly ugly, I dont say another word. Hahahah it’s a little rude but I just dont care. Anyways, when it came time to check this girls profile, I immediately stopped talking:
Its the girl on the right. The point is, I didnt say another word. This girl proceeded to continue to IM me for HOURS. I didnt respond once. I left the room and came back and there were still more and more messages. “please talk to me” “what are you doing?” “If you dont wanna talk just tell me”, but I refused to answer any of them. Not one. I finally log onto my myspace and boom there she is with this message:
hey baby
you don't want to talk to me on aim? im hurt.
holla back baby!
chelsea
This message is after two hours of unreturned IMs!
this is why YOUR hot, this is y YOUR hot! mmmmmm hottie!
This is why your insane!
i love ur smile!
So this is girl is just an all around trip then. If I had all the messages it would help a lot for effect. Just know that shes out there, somewhere, still being crazy.
Before I go I’ll leave you with a little treat.
hey peanut remember me haha
The girl who sent this was on part 3. If you dont remember, shes the one whos friend has fungus on her toe:
| Absol |
Funny MySpace Messages 4
January/01/2007 10:26 AM
So Im thinking that November was national “Holla at a Fat Girl” month or somethin. Forreal I had an inordinate amount of ridiculous messages from the big girls this month. I guess they just love me. Like Kim:
She sent me a message that said:
WHATS UP HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY HAPPY HOLLOWEEN TO YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE.
Then she sent me another a couple weeks later at like 5:50am:
WHATS UP HOW ARE YOU DOIN' EARLY THIS MORNIN'
Well it seems that for some reason, fat girls especially will mis-spell words or use bad grammar on purpose just because I’m black. Cmon now. Also, the beached whale routine doesnt quite work for me either:
Well beached whale aside, Kim wasnt all that bad compared to this girl:
So you look at this and think “hmm its just another fat girl, Rod.” And then I tell you that the caption under this photo said “Sometimes I think I am sexy.” Rrreeeeaaallllyyy? You think you look sexy in this photo girl? Cmon. Well anyways she sent me a message:
Whats up sexy
Well as you would guess, I didnt respond. But I guess on MySpace, when you read a message, the person who sent it can tell. So after she discovered that I read the message, she sent me another one:
you can read the message but not respond?
I replied: “Yep”
After that I went to her photos again for a better look.
There was this photo of her with “hip hugging” jeans on right next to this photo
The caption under the statue said “In oklahoma, these are everywhere.” I couldnt help but think how much she reminded me of a damn buffalo. Then I asked myself, did she really take her shirt off and put it on this thing?
Seemed like as soon as I got off her page, this girl had sent me a friend request:
Are you putting that pool que in your mouth? Is the chalk on your tongue? You cant be that disgusting, can you? Well I guess she wasnt done at the pool hall that night:
Well I was first concerned that her weight on the that poor pool table would lead to alot of firewood and a broken leg. I was then, also concerned because this photo had a comment underneath it from this guy:
What did his comment say? I’ll tell you. It said:
Nice pic ! It's sexy loving the hair and the mouth !Well you know the imagination can run wild
YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS GUY! Mann he is out there givin all black guys a bad name. All men for that matter. You looked at that picture of her and “the hair and the mouth” sent your imagination “run(ning) wild”? You are just a joke. My imagination ran wild too when I saw this. I couldnt get the walrus from the movie “50 First Dates” out of my head for some reason. You know, the one that throws up all over the girl. Hmm I wonder why. Sexy my ass. What is wrong with you man. I really hope she didnt believe you. Mann.
Well fat girls aside, this month was also unusal for another reason.
I got this message:
Wassup Pimp?
Its not a crazy message until you notice who it was from:
Im over here like dammit T-Pain is gay now. “Im in love with a stripper”? No, no, no. He’s in love with a MALE stripper.
So mann, the same coddamn day I get a message from this guy:
Look at the look on his face! He is so damn serious it looks like he is a gay rapist or some shit. It looks like he and a priest have been preying on young children all morning and he took a myspace break. Then he’s really gone have his pubes all poppin out like NOW hes desirable. Cmon now guy.
Here he goes again. Notice how he has taken the liberty of unbuckling his jeans so in case you didnt know, hes giving it up tonight! And why oh why must he be wearing 4 inch heels or whatever those blatantly feminine shoes on his feet are. As for his actual message:
I'm Alex 19 male in queens, NY and I wanted to say you look good in your pics. looking for friends on here and thought maybe we could be friends. let me know.
Oh yea? Word? What about my shit makes you think Im gay like that? Honestly! Did you not see the coddamn girls who post on my page? The “straight” denomination? Did you miss all of that somehow? You need to bring all that back and keep it to urself son.
Mann so this last guy simply sent me a friend request:
Hahaha this guy. Look at this little poster shot. It says “from the producers of “Bad Boys” and only on theatres. Well this guy is obviously gay. So what other photos did he have to help confrim?
Perfect. Simply perfect. The bright red bow tie with no shirt. The pulled down pants shot that he got from Alex above. He’s got the boot cut jeans which sit over his slippers with socks. What a guy here. So im like “how does a guy like this associate with?” Well the answer should not surprise you. Here are a couple people from his top 8:
Funniest part? The last guy had this as his “view more pics” right. And the caption said “look at those DSL's...oops i mean give Big Daddy a kiss”
Well that about wraps this up for now, but you know Ill be back with more. Holla at ur boy
She sent me a message that said:
WHATS UP HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY HAPPY HOLLOWEEN TO YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE.
Then she sent me another a couple weeks later at like 5:50am:
WHATS UP HOW ARE YOU DOIN' EARLY THIS MORNIN'
Well it seems that for some reason, fat girls especially will mis-spell words or use bad grammar on purpose just because I’m black. Cmon now. Also, the beached whale routine doesnt quite work for me either:
Well beached whale aside, Kim wasnt all that bad compared to this girl:
So you look at this and think “hmm its just another fat girl, Rod.” And then I tell you that the caption under this photo said “Sometimes I think I am sexy.” Rrreeeeaaallllyyy? You think you look sexy in this photo girl? Cmon. Well anyways she sent me a message:
Whats up sexy
Well as you would guess, I didnt respond. But I guess on MySpace, when you read a message, the person who sent it can tell. So after she discovered that I read the message, she sent me another one:
you can read the message but not respond?
I replied: “Yep”
After that I went to her photos again for a better look.
There was this photo of her with “hip hugging” jeans on right next to this photo
The caption under the statue said “In oklahoma, these are everywhere.” I couldnt help but think how much she reminded me of a damn buffalo. Then I asked myself, did she really take her shirt off and put it on this thing?
Seemed like as soon as I got off her page, this girl had sent me a friend request:
Are you putting that pool que in your mouth? Is the chalk on your tongue? You cant be that disgusting, can you? Well I guess she wasnt done at the pool hall that night:
Well I was first concerned that her weight on the that poor pool table would lead to alot of firewood and a broken leg. I was then, also concerned because this photo had a comment underneath it from this guy:
What did his comment say? I’ll tell you. It said:
Nice pic ! It's sexy loving the hair and the mouth !Well you know the imagination can run wild
YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS GUY! Mann he is out there givin all black guys a bad name. All men for that matter. You looked at that picture of her and “the hair and the mouth” sent your imagination “run(ning) wild”? You are just a joke. My imagination ran wild too when I saw this. I couldnt get the walrus from the movie “50 First Dates” out of my head for some reason. You know, the one that throws up all over the girl. Hmm I wonder why. Sexy my ass. What is wrong with you man. I really hope she didnt believe you. Mann.
Well fat girls aside, this month was also unusal for another reason.
I got this message:
Wassup Pimp?
Its not a crazy message until you notice who it was from:
Im over here like dammit T-Pain is gay now. “Im in love with a stripper”? No, no, no. He’s in love with a MALE stripper.
So mann, the same coddamn day I get a message from this guy:
Look at the look on his face! He is so damn serious it looks like he is a gay rapist or some shit. It looks like he and a priest have been preying on young children all morning and he took a myspace break. Then he’s really gone have his pubes all poppin out like NOW hes desirable. Cmon now guy.
Here he goes again. Notice how he has taken the liberty of unbuckling his jeans so in case you didnt know, hes giving it up tonight! And why oh why must he be wearing 4 inch heels or whatever those blatantly feminine shoes on his feet are. As for his actual message:
I'm Alex 19 male in queens, NY and I wanted to say you look good in your pics. looking for friends on here and thought maybe we could be friends. let me know.
Oh yea? Word? What about my shit makes you think Im gay like that? Honestly! Did you not see the coddamn girls who post on my page? The “straight” denomination? Did you miss all of that somehow? You need to bring all that back and keep it to urself son.
Mann so this last guy simply sent me a friend request:
Hahaha this guy. Look at this little poster shot. It says “from the producers of “Bad Boys” and only on theatres. Well this guy is obviously gay. So what other photos did he have to help confrim?
Perfect. Simply perfect. The bright red bow tie with no shirt. The pulled down pants shot that he got from Alex above. He’s got the boot cut jeans which sit over his slippers with socks. What a guy here. So im like “how does a guy like this associate with?” Well the answer should not surprise you. Here are a couple people from his top 8:
Funniest part? The last guy had this as his “view more pics” right. And the caption said “look at those DSL's...oops i mean give Big Daddy a kiss”
Well that about wraps this up for now, but you know Ill be back with more. Holla at ur boy
Funny MySpace Messages 3
January/01/2007 10:21 AM
Im just gonna dive right into this one. Now the first thing Ill show u isnt a message, persay, but when u have a photo like this person, u send alot more than any message ever could. Now the caption under this main photo read “Is this Sexy?” Ill let u be the judge:
Makes you wonder...Is my photo sexy enough to compete? Well Im not conceited but Im gonna have to say yes. I would rather look at a picture of elmo playing the piano than to look at this guy wearing nothing more then a perm and a bow-tie.
So we’re just gettin warmed up right now. That guy was simply a friend request which for some reason, I accepted. hahaha. But what about some of these messages. Like these two:
Hey Baby
...two days later
Hey Baby
I didnt reply to either message for a few reasons. For one, what the hell does “Hey Baby” mean to me? Absolutely nothin, it actually makes me mad cuz Im not your baby. I dont even kno you, so u can let that one go. Secondly, and probably most importantly, this is the person who sent it:
Now when I saw this photo I thought to myself “Man, or woman, man, or woman?” You really to focus on the fact that this “thing” called me baby. Bad for a woman, unacceptable from a male. My profile literally says 20 words, one of which is STRAIGHT. Well as it turns out this is a man, and his profile is the oddest shit ive ever seen. It definitely said he was gay, some random Madonna song was playin in the background, and in the midst of it all was this photo, which completely made me regret ever opening that message with no subject header that read “Hey Baby.”
you can check this guy out at
http://www.myspace.com/oll4you
OK OK Let it rain and clear it out. Clear it right the fuck out. Moving on...I still think the best is yet to come in this little expose, but I guess you all are the judge of that, so Ill toss this little number at you.
i just came across ur profile and thought i would say hi! u have a nice smile..
I know what ur thinking...there’s absolutely nothin wrong with this, which is true. That message is very respectful and whatnot. But like ive said before, you have to stay within societal rules, you just have to. Now, Im no Usher or Timberlake or even fuckin Marlon Wayans, but I think I look good enough to where girls like this, by default, should be out of my league. I wanna reiterate, Halle Berry = out of my leaguea, Angelina Jolie = out of my league, any girl with a Beyonce-esqe feature = probably out of my league. This girl however is a bit on the south side of the equation kno what I mean:
What I found to be particularly funny was the fact that her myspace name was “I WANNA BE THE GIRL YOU POINT TO AND SAY ‘THATS HER’”. Word? Forreal? I absolutely would do that. Id tap my homie on the shoulder after I see her from afar and say to him “Wow homie, thats her...Thats that NASTY chick from myspace who got at me!” Hahaha Im really not this cruel at all, but the whole “thats her” thing really got to me. You probably didnt even laugh at that, and you now think Im an asshole, well Im not, and lets see if you laugh at this:
Hey whats up? How u doing? Im aight about to go to bed sense im geting sick. Ur almost 7 ft tall damn, thanks for making me feel even more short. Lol anyways I just posted a new poem that I just wrote on a blog u should read it and let me know what u think. Holla back
Dre
So0o0o many things wrong with this. For starters, this girl uses the patented “Hold a conversation with herself” technique. She asks me how Im doing and then for some strange reason has the nerve to assume that I want to know how shes doin and whats up with her. Fuck that lil bebe. Wow youre gettin sick? Haha, you’re cool man! Lets be friends! How in the world do words on ur monitor screen make you feel short? Whatever, right? Wrong. It doesnt stop at this message with her. Take a look at her:
WOWOWOWOWOW! There you are huh? That would be you wouldnt it? Unbelievable. Corn Rows and a trucker hat turned sideways? How perfect. I felt bad for not payin attention to hey message. It now made alot more sense. She said she was sick and needed to go to bed. Of course! Someone gave her some shit that made her think she could go out and get cornrows, and then message me, she must be sick! Now shes takin herself to bed cuz she needs to come back down to reality. I have a feeling that you readers out there still arent gettin the most out of these messages so I saved what I thought to be the best for last. Im gonna go ahead and give u this girl’s photo first instead of after:
There she is. Not attractee to her, but I wouldnt call her ugly. She might make some guy real happy one day, but not me. Who knows maybe its this guy:
He seems to have that Buckwheat/ metrosexual/ I only listen to Bonnie Tyler, Carrie Underwood, and Clay Aiken type look to him. Maybe thats a good thing for her, maybe not. As for what she sent me:
soooo...i'm bored at work entertain me
I had a couple of options when I got this. First I could simply chuckle at the fact that this girl thought that it was MY responsibility to entertain her, at work no less. Second, I could walk away becuz it really wasnt funny at all. Or third, I could have a little fun, cuz why not? I opted for number 3 only becuz I knew you guys would appreciate it more than I would. So boom I responded back with this little tall tale:
thats neat. im studying podiatry. boring, but its my life
I thought to myself that if I just sounded as nerdy as possible (not remembering the fact that I do spend hours writing shit on a website I maintain) that she would just leave it alone, but I was wrong:
oooooh a doctor...will you marry me? haha just kidding my coworker has a fungus on her pinky toe can you help her?
Oh shit son, she actually bought it - in a good way - unbelievable! But no what the hell I just said what in her right mind would make her think its OK to tell me about her fuckin coworkers infected pinky toe? Bad to look at even worse to write out...whats wrong with this chick? I had to keep the fun rolling. I asked myself what would be the most ridiculous, yet believable thing I could say back? Boom:
sure. heres a little known fact about foot fungi: dipping the foot in a small buckets of half olive oil and half of any kind of dish soap will kill 95 percent of them. She could try that if she doesnt want to spend too much time with a horrible fungus
Hahahahhaa absofuckinlutely perfect. I felt like I wrote it in a way where, if she truly believed I was a doctor, she had no choice but to take it seriously. Question was, did it work? Well:
Oh extra smart now are we? I'm an athlete and i heard if you pee on your feet in the shower it kills bacteria is that true?
Hmm. This was a tough one. Did she believe it and wanted to know more or was it just a test to see if I really knew my stuff? I didnt wanna take any chances and mess this up, so I wikipediad that shit and turns out she was right...urine does kill shit. Coddamn, Im a foot doctor and I didnt know that, I guess you learn somethin new everyday. So I hit her back with this:
yes thats true
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_urine
I figured that if I hit her with that she would lay to rest any possible doubts if she hadnt already believed me. So I got this back:
so youre gonna be a doctor?
Right then and there I realized that she had been putty in my hands since this MySpace message fest started 3 hours earlier. She was probably at work, thinkin she had bagged her a doctor, her friend chillin with her foot in a vat of the nastiest slimiest shit of all time hoping that it would cure her foot fungus when it probably was making that shit smellier and nastier. I had won. What a feeling that was sitting there satisfied that I had somehow accomplished so much with only my mind, fingertips and MacBook. Well I had to finish it off right so I capped off my glorious run with this:
no, i just stayed in a holiday inn express last night
How clever of me. Well that about does it for this installment of funny myspace messages. Until next time lil bebe. Holla. Let it rain, and wash it out.
Makes you wonder...Is my photo sexy enough to compete? Well Im not conceited but Im gonna have to say yes. I would rather look at a picture of elmo playing the piano than to look at this guy wearing nothing more then a perm and a bow-tie.
So we’re just gettin warmed up right now. That guy was simply a friend request which for some reason, I accepted. hahaha. But what about some of these messages. Like these two:
Hey Baby
...two days later
Hey Baby
I didnt reply to either message for a few reasons. For one, what the hell does “Hey Baby” mean to me? Absolutely nothin, it actually makes me mad cuz Im not your baby. I dont even kno you, so u can let that one go. Secondly, and probably most importantly, this is the person who sent it:
Now when I saw this photo I thought to myself “Man, or woman, man, or woman?” You really to focus on the fact that this “thing” called me baby. Bad for a woman, unacceptable from a male. My profile literally says 20 words, one of which is STRAIGHT. Well as it turns out this is a man, and his profile is the oddest shit ive ever seen. It definitely said he was gay, some random Madonna song was playin in the background, and in the midst of it all was this photo, which completely made me regret ever opening that message with no subject header that read “Hey Baby.”
you can check this guy out at
http://www.myspace.com/oll4you
OK OK Let it rain and clear it out. Clear it right the fuck out. Moving on...I still think the best is yet to come in this little expose, but I guess you all are the judge of that, so Ill toss this little number at you.
i just came across ur profile and thought i would say hi! u have a nice smile..
I know what ur thinking...there’s absolutely nothin wrong with this, which is true. That message is very respectful and whatnot. But like ive said before, you have to stay within societal rules, you just have to. Now, Im no Usher or Timberlake or even fuckin Marlon Wayans, but I think I look good enough to where girls like this, by default, should be out of my league. I wanna reiterate, Halle Berry = out of my leaguea, Angelina Jolie = out of my league, any girl with a Beyonce-esqe feature = probably out of my league. This girl however is a bit on the south side of the equation kno what I mean:
What I found to be particularly funny was the fact that her myspace name was “I WANNA BE THE GIRL YOU POINT TO AND SAY ‘THATS HER’”. Word? Forreal? I absolutely would do that. Id tap my homie on the shoulder after I see her from afar and say to him “Wow homie, thats her...Thats that NASTY chick from myspace who got at me!” Hahaha Im really not this cruel at all, but the whole “thats her” thing really got to me. You probably didnt even laugh at that, and you now think Im an asshole, well Im not, and lets see if you laugh at this:
Hey whats up? How u doing? Im aight about to go to bed sense im geting sick. Ur almost 7 ft tall damn, thanks for making me feel even more short. Lol anyways I just posted a new poem that I just wrote on a blog u should read it and let me know what u think. Holla back
Dre
So0o0o many things wrong with this. For starters, this girl uses the patented “Hold a conversation with herself” technique. She asks me how Im doing and then for some strange reason has the nerve to assume that I want to know how shes doin and whats up with her. Fuck that lil bebe. Wow youre gettin sick? Haha, you’re cool man! Lets be friends! How in the world do words on ur monitor screen make you feel short? Whatever, right? Wrong. It doesnt stop at this message with her. Take a look at her:
WOWOWOWOWOW! There you are huh? That would be you wouldnt it? Unbelievable. Corn Rows and a trucker hat turned sideways? How perfect. I felt bad for not payin attention to hey message. It now made alot more sense. She said she was sick and needed to go to bed. Of course! Someone gave her some shit that made her think she could go out and get cornrows, and then message me, she must be sick! Now shes takin herself to bed cuz she needs to come back down to reality. I have a feeling that you readers out there still arent gettin the most out of these messages so I saved what I thought to be the best for last. Im gonna go ahead and give u this girl’s photo first instead of after:
There she is. Not attractee to her, but I wouldnt call her ugly. She might make some guy real happy one day, but not me. Who knows maybe its this guy:
He seems to have that Buckwheat/ metrosexual/ I only listen to Bonnie Tyler, Carrie Underwood, and Clay Aiken type look to him. Maybe thats a good thing for her, maybe not. As for what she sent me:
soooo...i'm bored at work entertain me
I had a couple of options when I got this. First I could simply chuckle at the fact that this girl thought that it was MY responsibility to entertain her, at work no less. Second, I could walk away becuz it really wasnt funny at all. Or third, I could have a little fun, cuz why not? I opted for number 3 only becuz I knew you guys would appreciate it more than I would. So boom I responded back with this little tall tale:
thats neat. im studying podiatry. boring, but its my life
I thought to myself that if I just sounded as nerdy as possible (not remembering the fact that I do spend hours writing shit on a website I maintain) that she would just leave it alone, but I was wrong:
oooooh a doctor...will you marry me? haha just kidding my coworker has a fungus on her pinky toe can you help her?
Oh shit son, she actually bought it - in a good way - unbelievable! But no what the hell I just said what in her right mind would make her think its OK to tell me about her fuckin coworkers infected pinky toe? Bad to look at even worse to write out...whats wrong with this chick? I had to keep the fun rolling. I asked myself what would be the most ridiculous, yet believable thing I could say back? Boom:
sure. heres a little known fact about foot fungi: dipping the foot in a small buckets of half olive oil and half of any kind of dish soap will kill 95 percent of them. She could try that if she doesnt want to spend too much time with a horrible fungus
Hahahahhaa absofuckinlutely perfect. I felt like I wrote it in a way where, if she truly believed I was a doctor, she had no choice but to take it seriously. Question was, did it work? Well:
Oh extra smart now are we? I'm an athlete and i heard if you pee on your feet in the shower it kills bacteria is that true?
Hmm. This was a tough one. Did she believe it and wanted to know more or was it just a test to see if I really knew my stuff? I didnt wanna take any chances and mess this up, so I wikipediad that shit and turns out she was right...urine does kill shit. Coddamn, Im a foot doctor and I didnt know that, I guess you learn somethin new everyday. So I hit her back with this:
yes thats true
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_urine
I figured that if I hit her with that she would lay to rest any possible doubts if she hadnt already believed me. So I got this back:
so youre gonna be a doctor?
Right then and there I realized that she had been putty in my hands since this MySpace message fest started 3 hours earlier. She was probably at work, thinkin she had bagged her a doctor, her friend chillin with her foot in a vat of the nastiest slimiest shit of all time hoping that it would cure her foot fungus when it probably was making that shit smellier and nastier. I had won. What a feeling that was sitting there satisfied that I had somehow accomplished so much with only my mind, fingertips and MacBook. Well I had to finish it off right so I capped off my glorious run with this:
no, i just stayed in a holiday inn express last night
How clever of me. Well that about does it for this installment of funny myspace messages. Until next time lil bebe. Holla. Let it rain, and wash it out.