The Offseason
June/25/2007 12:13 PM Filed in: Hoops
While the college kids are preparing for the NBA Draft, us older guys are out trying to take the free agent route. So a couple of weeks ago, I got a call from my agent. He said that it was time for me to start making NBA related moves, the first of which was a free agent camp in Milwaukee. It’s always nice to say that you’re going to Milwaukee for mini-camp, rather than saying: “yea, I’m just kinda hanging out until I hear something.” People think you’re wasting your life away when you don’t have actual dates and teams. It’s also nice to get that Per Diem for everyday that you workout. I didn’t exactly make the big bucks this past year, so every dollar counts. My agent called me the “dumbest Berkeley kid ever” for not telling him that I only had $8 to my name (I needed him to book a shuttle for me from the airport to the hotel when I landed in Milwaukee). That’s how it goes sometimes.
So I arrive at the Hyatt Regency in Milwaukee and the first thing I have to do is use the bathroom, but I refuse. I know that we have physicals in 10 minutes and if they weigh me, then that extra 2 lbs could come in handy. 221 looks better than 219 any day of the week, so I hold it. Turns out that there is no weigh in, just the typical physical.
I did feel lied to a little bit because the doctor said to me: “I do my physical a little differently. I only check the things that are sports related.” That got me excited, because I thought to myself: “Yes, he won’t have to grab my balls and make me cough, because that’s definitely NOT sports related.” Then he says “Pull down your pants, turn your head to the left, and cough. I need to check your testis.”
After the physical, there was a meeting. I got to see who all was there at the mini-camp. I recognized Aaron Miles, Omar Cook, James Thomas, Lionel Chalmers, Matt Haryasz, Renaldo Major, and some others. These things are like NCAA tournament memory lane. Everyone talks about their games against rivals and whatnot.
Matt Haryasz (I pronounce it Hairyass) had plenty to say about the Cal – Stanford rivalry, but I mean they DID beat us 6 of 8 times, so he can pretty much say whatever he wants. One thing we could all agree on was that toomuchrodbenson.com was hot and that “BOOM Got Them DOS!” was even hotter. Matt couldn’t stop laughing at Luke Jackson’s cameo.
The camp itself went pretty well. I got a lot of feedback about my game, and good mentorship from some of the older guys. My agent informed me that the Warriors wanted me to attend their free agent workouts as well. So right after my 3 days in Milwaukee were up, I headed back to the Bay Area for a 2 day camp with Golden State.
This time the list of participants included my ex teammate Joe Shipp, and former UCLA stars Toby Bailey, and Jelani McCoy. Yep, you read that right… TOBY BAILEY and JELANI MCCOY. Toby Bailey was the man back in the day. I told him that I used to watch him when I was in 4th grade. He said: “You gonna act like I’m an old man?” I said: “Hey, it’s not how you look, it’s how you feel.” He then replied: “So you’re saying I look old then?”
I wasn’t exactly saying that he looks old. I guess in a way, it’s very weird competing for a spot with a guy who’s name hasn’t rung a bell since the 1995 NCAA Championship. I guess in a way, he IS old. I mean, let’s really think about it. He got to UCLA in 1994. In 1994 I was 9 years old. I got to thinking…who exactly was Rod Benson when Toby Bailey was at UCLA?
In 1994 I…
Loved Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Doug, GUTS, Family Double Dare, Family Matters, Step by Sep, Fresh Prince, and of course, with moms permission, In Living Color.
Was the Boys and Girls club champion in many events, including: paper airplanes, foosball, prisonball, and air hockey.
Won the Ada Harris Elementary School Olympic day blue ribbon (first place) in 100 yd. dash, 4x100 relay, and standing broad jump.
Was ridiculously hyped that Rice Crispy Treats started being sold by Kellogs, making my recess snack complete
Finally got a big enough shoe size to fit into these hand me down Nike Air Flights that had always been too big.
Was playing POGS for keeps on a regular basis, and winning.
Played soccer, and was absolutely terrible. I played the least minutes and led the league in fouls.
Was discovering my talents as a natural born video gamer on my Super Nintendo. Super Mario All-Stars and Ken Griffey Junior presents Major League Baseball were awesome.
Was not a Ken Griffey fan, but instead a Frank Thomas fan, who was collecting Frank cards with a passion.
Watched Toby Bailey on his way towards becoming the 4th leading scorer in UCLA history. That’s how old school Toby Bailey is.
Back to the workout, it was very weird asking Toby Bailey to come off the ball screen and look for me on the pop. But we got it done. It was pretty cool when he was watching “BOOM Got Them DOS!” in the locker room. He couldn’t contain himself when I said “I’m like K.G. except I ain’t worth a dollar.”
Before we started the workout, I heard one of the 2 greatest things I’ve ever heard. Don Nelson made it a point to say that on the Warriors, the posts don’t post on the block, they post on the elbow or not at all. They set ball screens and run the floor. GREAT news. That’s like telling a fat girl that there is a free buffet all night!
After the workouts, I heard second of the two the greatest things I’ve ever heard. Don Nelson walks up to me (already awesome because I’m pretty much starstruck by a man with so much basketball clout) and says: “Rod, I really enjoyed watching you play. You’re in pretty good shape, huh?” I didn’t really know how to respond. It was like those T.V. shows where a hot girl approaches the guy who has been eyeing her but is clearly not on her level, then the guy stumbles over his words and looks stupid. I said back: “I mean, umm yea, I could be better.” Then Don Nelson replies: “Well, you’re in better shape than these guys. You run the floor really well.” I stood there kind of awkwardly as he walked away. I was so giddy that I couldn’t really put myself together -- I might as well have just been propositioned by Jessica Biel.
I can pretty much end it there, and I will. I’ve got some more workouts and whatnot leading up to the summer league. I’ll keep you posted
So I arrive at the Hyatt Regency in Milwaukee and the first thing I have to do is use the bathroom, but I refuse. I know that we have physicals in 10 minutes and if they weigh me, then that extra 2 lbs could come in handy. 221 looks better than 219 any day of the week, so I hold it. Turns out that there is no weigh in, just the typical physical.
I did feel lied to a little bit because the doctor said to me: “I do my physical a little differently. I only check the things that are sports related.” That got me excited, because I thought to myself: “Yes, he won’t have to grab my balls and make me cough, because that’s definitely NOT sports related.” Then he says “Pull down your pants, turn your head to the left, and cough. I need to check your testis.”
After the physical, there was a meeting. I got to see who all was there at the mini-camp. I recognized Aaron Miles, Omar Cook, James Thomas, Lionel Chalmers, Matt Haryasz, Renaldo Major, and some others. These things are like NCAA tournament memory lane. Everyone talks about their games against rivals and whatnot.
Matt Haryasz (I pronounce it Hairyass) had plenty to say about the Cal – Stanford rivalry, but I mean they DID beat us 6 of 8 times, so he can pretty much say whatever he wants. One thing we could all agree on was that toomuchrodbenson.com was hot and that “BOOM Got Them DOS!” was even hotter. Matt couldn’t stop laughing at Luke Jackson’s cameo.
The camp itself went pretty well. I got a lot of feedback about my game, and good mentorship from some of the older guys. My agent informed me that the Warriors wanted me to attend their free agent workouts as well. So right after my 3 days in Milwaukee were up, I headed back to the Bay Area for a 2 day camp with Golden State.
This time the list of participants included my ex teammate Joe Shipp, and former UCLA stars Toby Bailey, and Jelani McCoy. Yep, you read that right… TOBY BAILEY and JELANI MCCOY. Toby Bailey was the man back in the day. I told him that I used to watch him when I was in 4th grade. He said: “You gonna act like I’m an old man?” I said: “Hey, it’s not how you look, it’s how you feel.” He then replied: “So you’re saying I look old then?”
I wasn’t exactly saying that he looks old. I guess in a way, it’s very weird competing for a spot with a guy who’s name hasn’t rung a bell since the 1995 NCAA Championship. I guess in a way, he IS old. I mean, let’s really think about it. He got to UCLA in 1994. In 1994 I was 9 years old. I got to thinking…who exactly was Rod Benson when Toby Bailey was at UCLA?
In 1994 I…
Loved Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Doug, GUTS, Family Double Dare, Family Matters, Step by Sep, Fresh Prince, and of course, with moms permission, In Living Color.
Was the Boys and Girls club champion in many events, including: paper airplanes, foosball, prisonball, and air hockey.
Won the Ada Harris Elementary School Olympic day blue ribbon (first place) in 100 yd. dash, 4x100 relay, and standing broad jump.
Was ridiculously hyped that Rice Crispy Treats started being sold by Kellogs, making my recess snack complete
Finally got a big enough shoe size to fit into these hand me down Nike Air Flights that had always been too big.
Was playing POGS for keeps on a regular basis, and winning.
Played soccer, and was absolutely terrible. I played the least minutes and led the league in fouls.
Was discovering my talents as a natural born video gamer on my Super Nintendo. Super Mario All-Stars and Ken Griffey Junior presents Major League Baseball were awesome.
Was not a Ken Griffey fan, but instead a Frank Thomas fan, who was collecting Frank cards with a passion.
Watched Toby Bailey on his way towards becoming the 4th leading scorer in UCLA history. That’s how old school Toby Bailey is.
Back to the workout, it was very weird asking Toby Bailey to come off the ball screen and look for me on the pop. But we got it done. It was pretty cool when he was watching “BOOM Got Them DOS!” in the locker room. He couldn’t contain himself when I said “I’m like K.G. except I ain’t worth a dollar.”
Before we started the workout, I heard one of the 2 greatest things I’ve ever heard. Don Nelson made it a point to say that on the Warriors, the posts don’t post on the block, they post on the elbow or not at all. They set ball screens and run the floor. GREAT news. That’s like telling a fat girl that there is a free buffet all night!
After the workouts, I heard second of the two the greatest things I’ve ever heard. Don Nelson walks up to me (already awesome because I’m pretty much starstruck by a man with so much basketball clout) and says: “Rod, I really enjoyed watching you play. You’re in pretty good shape, huh?” I didn’t really know how to respond. It was like those T.V. shows where a hot girl approaches the guy who has been eyeing her but is clearly not on her level, then the guy stumbles over his words and looks stupid. I said back: “I mean, umm yea, I could be better.” Then Don Nelson replies: “Well, you’re in better shape than these guys. You run the floor really well.” I stood there kind of awkwardly as he walked away. I was so giddy that I couldn’t really put myself together -- I might as well have just been propositioned by Jessica Biel.
I can pretty much end it there, and I will. I’ve got some more workouts and whatnot leading up to the summer league. I’ll keep you posted
|
Funny MySpace Messages 7
June/18/2007 11:28 AM Filed in: MySpace Messages
It’s been just over 2 months since the last installment of funny myspace messages. I must say, I’ve had so many during the past few months, that I left quite a few of them out. Well, there’s no time to waste time, so let’s get this started.
I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:
Miss u much!
Body: Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...
This girl did too:
This is what she sent me:
WHAT UP
Body: What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy
...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.
I also never talked to this girl:
I don’t think that she noticed...
Subject: n/a
Body: jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance
She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.
Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance
Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.
I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...
...much like:
Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
"dey wut ii do best♥"
Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States
This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:
sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia
I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.
Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...
She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:
hey
Body: hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back
Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.
I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:
I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:
This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”
Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!
One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:
When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.
I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:
I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.
I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:
Subject: would u...............
Body: would u let me suc ur d*c
Especially not from:
Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...
These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:
“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey whud up? so wassup w/u?
1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"
Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana
Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy
1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tasha”
Subject: CAN YOU
Body: COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.
2 months later..
Subject: hey
Body: what's good with you?
1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.
These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:
rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM
WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK
Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:
Subject: Question
Body: Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?
Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:
Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.
4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?
rodrique benson: sounds like a good job haha
socalimandingos: Started my freshman year at UCLA
socalimandingos: just some of the homies and some freaks we knew
socalimandingos: since then, the shit really done grew
11:55 AM
socalimandingos: you must be staying with family out here cause there's no way you can survive here without having a job lol
rodrique benson: my homies from ucla actually
socalimandingos: oh okay. that's cool.
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you're comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations? nothing some liquor cant help with lol
12:00 PM
socalimandingos: Have you ever heard of The Mandingo Club?
12:05 PM
rodrique benson: sounds familiar
socalimandingos: You got time right now so I can give you a run down?
rodrique benson: sure
socalimandingos: bet
socalimandingos: We host Private Upscale Interracial Swing Parties wherein Professional Couples, Ladies and Select-Brothas get together to network, socialize, and eventually indulge in their innermost fantasies. You'd be amazed my man, at how many sexy women out there just need to be in the right environment to unleash their 'inner freak'.
12:10 PM
socalimandingos: The parties are Members-Only. The membership base is made up of professionals from all walks of life-- Athletes, Entertainers, Adult Entertainers, High ranking Gov't/Law Officials, Corporate CEOs, Doctors, Lawyers, Cops. You name it, they're swinging my man! Basically people that have professional careers by day, who enjoy partying and having fun with like-minded people who share the same interests. Ultimately, we all get to live out our wildest fantasies.
socalimandingos: Still there?
12:15 PM
rodrique benson: yea i am
socalimandingos: ok, i'll continue
socalimandingos: I started the organization back in 1996 as a freshman at UCLA. Back then, it was merely a few friends and colleagues, having fun on Friday nights. Enjoying the company of ladies, and getting drunk. Typical college shit, ya know? Since then, things have blossomed into what it is today. We have chapters in Atlanta/Miami, NYC/NJ and here in Cali/Vegas.
12:25 PM
socalimandingos: The way the parties go, the Couples, Ladies and Brothas arrive at the party house. Everyone dressed to impress. The evening starts off with folks socializing, networking [Networking is a big aspect of these parties as we all have professional careers], drinking/smoking, basically getting to know each other. As the evening goes on, you begin to notice heavy sexual overtones- Ladies changing into lingerie, fellas eating pussy, ladies sucking cock. Before you know it, everyone is going at it, one wild orgy.
12:30 PM
socalimandingos: For the record, all the Ladies are Bi. All the Brothas are STRAIGHT. We don't get down with bi, gay or DL guys.... That's not our style, and that's even more a reason why we are a private organization.
socalimandingos: The parties take place in private homes of members throughout LA, OC, Vegas. The parties range in size-- Small and Large. Small parties tend to have about 4-6 people at most. These small parties tend to be what I start rookies off with (like yourself), so you can get your 'feet wet' and eventually work your way up to the bigger parties. The bigger parties tend to have between 20-25 people.
12:35 PM
socalimandingos: The parties never get larger than that, because we're not trying to create a 'sausage fest', if you know what I mean. I like to keep the ratio of ladies to men about even or at most 1:2. Parties are 2-3 times a month, on weekends.
socalimandingos: U still there?
rodrique benson: yea
socalimandingos: Did you read everything I wrote?
rodrique benson: yep
socalimandingos: Good.
SO yea, basically, I dont even have to say much to that. It just shows what I deal with regularly when it comes to myspace. I get people with crazy ideas all the time. I mean I still get the occasional friend request from a seemingly normal person:
and then I see that their page says this:
About me:
hi my name is shonda and i am a good person to hangout with.and i also like to do fun things like going out to the club and i also on here to meet me some new friends so i can chat with.and i also like to hang with my homegirls and homeboys when they be around.and for the ones that is hating on shonda can lick shonda ass.and for the are not hating on shonda send me a message.and do you know that i like to get my drink on and my smoke on.and what up hi yall doing.
Considering we have so much in common, how could I not want to be friends with her? Do I know that she like to get her drink on and her smoke on? No. Maybe I’m a hater for that. Maybe I should lick shonda a$$. Maybe I’ll send back a message like the one I got from this guy:
Subject: i can guess ur name
Body: KYLE
then 2 months later...
Subject: sup kyle
Body: wat u up 2
First a wrong guess, then a repeat performance. I just don’t have an answer for this. I REALLY didn’t have for the next girl either...
She sent me this:
u wack
So I sent back:
haha thats funny
She replied:
keep it movvin u hella fake
Then I said:
do i kno u? haha how can i keep it movin u dont even exist
Of course she answered:
leave me alone i kno u and u are fake and i dont get what tha hell i see in u stop writin me bye
I honestly don’t even know this girl. I’ve never met her or talked to her in my life, so why is she so hostile? Who knows? I think she must have me confused because this was her headline on her page:
Stop smiling at me, get that look off your face Please dont even front, stop being so fake I know you don't like me, yeah you've made it very clearYou always talkin' 'bout me from what I hear Always put me down when you thought that you could
??? Who knows? Maybe she has seen my funny myspace messages and is now trying to be crazy just to get on here like the girl who sent me this:
(I won’t show her photo, because I’m not really makin fun of her)
nice eyes wanna f*ck!!
thinking that this was myspace message gold, I sent her back:
you cant be serious
She then hit me back with:
im just playin with u...i just read ur blog on ur web site about all those people sending u myspace messages.
Damn, so close, but she actually got me I guess. I really wanted to use that. That wasn’t the only time...
This is from a different girl:
Subject: heyyyyyy
Body: So are you in Los Angeles or up north?? Whats up?
Honestly, it wasn’t a bad message and the girl didn’t look bad. She wasn’t odd or crazy. I didn’t even think twice about it. Then I got this the next day:
Subject: My Bad
Body: Long story short, I came accross your website today and found the part about Myspace Girls really funny. Then I remembered that I messaged you something stupid yesterday while I was really bored at work. It doesn't matter at all because I don't know you, but I'm just pretty embarassed that I presented myself as some unintelligent breezy looking for sweet lovin' on Myspace. Anyways, just wanted to say keep on' writing because you're great at it...
-Cindy
To me, the attempted retraction was funnier than anything she could have said, but I guess it was necessary.
I’ll leave this edition with this last bit. See this girl is really nice, and if she reads this, I hope she understands that I just couldn’t leave this last message alone...
Body: lol Hi Rod. My name is Chrissy; I am 27 yrs old from Vancouver Island, Canada. I just finished reading 1 of ur hilarious blogs about funny myspace messages! lol it was REEEALLY funny & entertaining; you really have quite a talent for comedic writing & i just had to message you to tell you how impressive you are lol. & you seem like a REEAALLY gr8 person & i like you & I want to add you as a myspace friend...lol
Thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. I mean wow, what a nice compliment. I didn’t respond because I was busy trying to win a D-League championship. It was then that I got like 3 more messages, one of which was this:
WOW! Ur REEEALLY an aWESOME person & ur VERY popular & every 1 LOVES you! lol You should be FAMOUS! lol You seem like a really gr8 guy, ur funny, smart, intelligent, witty, charismatic, well rounded, good head on ur shoulders & all that good stuff lol I'm really impressed with you! Do you have ANY flaws? lol Do you go to church? My Dad's name is Rod; Rodney actually; he has funny nick names Rooney & Roonster lol! You know what's really weird? I've never really met any black ppl b4; i live in sorta small town & there just wasn't any blacks here when i was growing up. So now i'm 27 & never met any blacks or had any black friends. Except for recently i met 2 at church lol they really nice ppl 1 is a young guy name Anthony who just married pretty white wife & now they just had an adorable baby...Anthony plays keybpoard for our church & he is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! You should see him HE TOTALLY ROCKS OUT On the keyboard! Alot of blacks came to our church last summer for Anthony's wedding..I like their energy! & i shook hands & met 1 really nice older black man who comes to our church sometimes. & that's about all my experience with black ppl I've had b4..i feel sad about that ..lol i hope i'm not giving you MORE material for ur blogs about funny myspace messages! LOL!
Cmon now girl, why did you have to send me this? What’s weirder than the fact that your dad’s nickname is “Roonster”? Oh yea, the fact that you’ve never met any black people. Except for those 2 at church. YOU LOVE THEIR ENERGY. Oh man. I’m glad you are meeting some solid black people, but coddamn this was one of the funniest things I’ve read in my life. You definitely DID give me more material, but don’t take it personally...if you like my blogs, you should see me on a keyboard.
I’ll pick up where I left off last time, with “Sweet Ann” from part 6. If you don’t remember her, just go back. She had sent me something like 10 messages in a 2 week period. This was the 11th:
Miss u much!
Body: Hey boo! How we doing today. Just strolling down your page to show u some love. So what have u been up to lately. Hope all is good for u as it is for me. Just missing u right now. Just thought I make your day good with me in it. Smile It's good for the soul! I now your busy with work and all, If u have time holla at your gurl!!
SweetAnn
In case you forgot, my “work” included catching the worlds biggest squid off the pacific coast. I guess she just wanted some Rod Benson...
This girl did too:
This is what she sent me:
WHAT UP
Body: What up my n*gga you member talkin to me sexy
...umm no, I don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that I have never talked to her day in my life. Ever. Actually, I absolutely guarantee it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but nope, just can’t do it.
I also never talked to this girl:
I don’t think that she noticed...
Subject: n/a
Body: jus stoppin by to say thanx for the add. Holla atcha girl when you get a chance
She put that the “Subject” of the message was “n/a”. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I didn’t reply because my response was not applicable.
Well, like I said, she didn’t seem to notice:
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey mr man haven't heard from u in a little minute, holla atcha girl when you get a chance
Hmm, did you not notice that I never talked to you? Of course you haven’t heard from me in a minute, you’ve never heard from me ever in your life. Don’t play games.
I guess I should have assumed that she would play games. Even though she’s 22 years old, her display name is $$r!d@-d!3-ch!ck$$. We’ve got another coddamn coded name. I think it means “$$ Ride or Die Chick $$”... I think. What it really means is that she might as well be 14 years old. How can someone be 22 years old and spend their time making up conversations and encoding words? Those things should be left to the youngins...
...much like:
Skiitles & Jiizz♥[ilavj]
"dey wut ii do best♥"
Female
17 years old
nAsHuA (Or ArOuNd ThUrRrR), New Hampshire
United States
This girl is only 17, but she’s just like the rest of them. I have no idea what her display name means. She sent me this:
sy wus gud do ii kno u?
♥keyshiia
I’m doing my best to decode this. Are you saying “Hey, what’s good, do I know you?” If so, no, I don’t know you! Why do people keep asking me? I’m anonymous! I don’t know any 17 year olds from New Hampshire (or around thurr) and I probably never will.
Why do these people think they know me, or that we have talked? Is this the new way of getting at people? At least the next girl was old fashioned...somewhat...
She is obviously the type of girl who normally sends me messages, so I wasn’t surprised when I got this:
hey
Body: hey waz up i seen you were on and wanted to say waz up holla back i love your hat how is the weather there i beat it is nice as hell hu well holla back
Aww thanks. You love my hat? Sweet. The weather? Awesome, thanks for asking. You beat it is nice as hell? You were right, the beat is nice...I think.
I knew that he profile would have a couple laughers on it, and I was right:
I found this right on her front page. I understand that self esteem is everything, so if she thinks that she’s a “dimepiece” then she can go right on ahead. The fact that it’s on her profile is ridiculous to me though. She must have been sitting there thinking “Wow, you’re so hot today. You’re such a dimepiece. You should put it on your myspace profile right away so that when you message these people, they will have to agree.”
Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but I’ll tell you what I definitely didn’t agree with:
This girl has a coddamn celebrity look-alikes thing on her page. It features such “dimepieces” as Ali Landry and Nikki Cox. That is just a coddamn shame. I would let Nikki Cox mother my children. I would not let this girl babysit them for fear that they would come home dumber than when I sent them off. When I saw this celebrity look-alikes thing I almost kicked my lap-top over. How can she seriously put this up, confidently, and mean it? Rosanne Barr is not on there! I don’t see one girl from the movie “Shallow Hal” on there. Those are the look-alikes, not Hayden Pannettiere. She put her coddamn face right in the middle and I’m supposed to look at this and say “Wow, oh my. She’s so right!”
Wanna know who my celebrity look-alikes are? Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, David Beckham, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and of course Morris Chestnut. Does that sound ridiculous? It shouldn’t. Its actually 1,000,000 times more realistic that I get mistaken for Sean Connery than it is for her to get mistaken for Nikki coddamn Cox!
One thing I will say about this woman is that she didn’t lie to me. What I saw was what I got. Her front pic matched every other pic on her page. I can’t say the same for “Ocblkbarbie”:
When you come across a profile sometimes, you see photos like this, and you think to yourself that this girl aint so bad. She might even have a few “look-alikes”. I, personally, never trust a main photo. I need to see photo’s from different days with different outfits. I need to see photo’s that aren’t at all blurry. I need to see the whole body in the picture, not just a face and not just a body pic. I check all these things because it’s the only way to make sure that I’m really looking at the real person.
I came across “OCBlkbarbie” because she sent hate mail to one of my friends. It was some “stay away from my man” type stuff. When I found her page on myspace, I saw the two pics above and I immediately became suspicious because she looks like two different people...a very common myspace thing. I clicked once more and discovered what she really looked like:
I don’t know what’s worse: fooling yourself into thinking you’re a supermodel, or trying to fool everyone else into thinking you’re skinny and attractive. It makes you wonder how she pulled off the first couple of pics... the world may never know.
I do know the kind of message I never wanna see again:
Subject: would u...............
Body: would u let me suc ur d*c
Especially not from:
Too many people are out there just playin games. Is that a money bandana or a little rag to clean off your mouth when you get done, kid? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even let a random woman off MYSPACE come at me like that, let alone you. Not to mention that you’re 16. Sweet. Now I’ve got underage girls AND boys throwing themselves at me. It never stops...
These 3 women all have the same thing in common...they’re underage and over-hyped up on Rod Benson:
“ThE OfFiCiAl MySpAcE PaGe of ThE GrEaT J~MAC”
Subject: No Subject
Body: hey whud up? so wassup w/u?
1. Grow up.
2. Don’t ever ask me the same question twice, ever.
3. Is the booty shot reaaalllly necessary? It doesn’t prove anything except that you have one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“THE SAVAGE QUEEN IS BACK WIT AU HOLE NEW PAGE"
Female
16 years old
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana
Subject: u look so young
Body: n u have a nice smile u r so sexy
1. Get a real photo, grown men don’t go for tweety pix.
2. Psych! I wouldn’t go for you anyways because you haven’t passed geometry yet.
3. Just because you think I look so young, doesn’t mean that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Tasha”
Subject: CAN YOU
Body: COMMENT MY NEW PROM PICS PLEASE.
2 months later..
Subject: hey
Body: what's good with you?
1. If you just got home from prom, you’re a few years too young.
2. Why did the caption under this photo read “Ms. Prom Queen of 2007”? Yea right, and your celebrity look-alike is Jessica Alba.
3. DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN IF I DON’T MESSAGE YOU BACK.
These women still pale in comparison to
a good old message from Clayton:
rod, this is the most disgusting note ive ever received on myspace...what is he world coming too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Mar 16, 2007 4:03 PM
WOULD U LET A N*GGA DEEP THROAT YA D*CK
Sorry Clay, I really don’t know what the world is coming to, honestly. I mean you’re getting propositioned with deep throat and I’m getting messages like this:
Subject: Question
Body: Do you ever attend swinger parties here in LA?
Clay, if you can top that let me know. Oh you think you can? Well maybe you should take a dive into the world of the so cal mandingos club. The only picture I could get was this one:
Needless to say, when I got this message, I laughed, then kept it moving. No reply to such things. Well, as it turns out, I got an instant message a couple of weeks later. This is how it went. Please note that I only expressed interest to get more info for you, my readers. Also be advised that this is a long convo and that Mr. Mandingo uses language that is a bit crazy.
4/4/07, 10:35 AM
socalimandingos: What's going on man
10:40 AM
socalimandingos: I sent you a note on MySpace on Monday. Dont know if you received it
10:45 AM
rodrique benson: regarding?
10:50 AM
socalimandingos: I asked if you attend swinger parties here in LA since I host them.
rodrique benson: i dont even know what that is
socalimandingos: lol... they are basically orgies where sexy ladies get together with brothas to have a good time.
11:00 AM
rodrique benson: sounds a bit ridiculous
socalimandingos: ridiculous? how so? they are swinger parties.
11:05 AM
rodrique benson: haha i mean it just sounds ridiculous
rodrique benson: like a porno
socalimandingos: um, its far from it considering these are upscale types.. CEOs, entertainers, athletes, lawyers, doctors, etc.
rodrique benson: for real? all those big time people go to swinger parties?
socalimandingos: hell yes
socalimandingos: People with professional careers that enjoy having some fun and letting loose with other quality folk.
11:10 AM
socalimandingos: You've never ran trains or had any threesomes?
rodrique benson: naww i aint into the man on man thing and I havent been lucky enough to get 2 girls together
rodrique benson: but is that what it basically is?
rodrique benson: trains and 3 ways?
socalimandingos: I dont know what you're talking about... there is no gay shit involved..
rodrique benson: i mean a train has 2 men
rodrique benson: i was just saying
rodrique benson: i didn tthink u meant it was gay
socalimandingos: It's orgies.... 3 ways.... but most cats out there have ran trains on chicks before with their friends, so thats why i asked if you had ever ran any
socalimandingos: understood
11:15 AM
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you'd be comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations with other ladies around getting piped?
11:20 AM
rodrique benson: hahaha
rodrique benson: i mean mann i dunno
rodrique benson: i cant have something like that gettin out
socalimandingos: what part of CEOs, lawyers, athletes and entertainers didn't you understand?
socalimandingos: you think they would be doing it if it got out?
11:25 AM
socalimandingos: Are you originally from LA?
rodrique benson: san diego
socalimandingos: That's cool. How long have you been in LA
rodrique benson: 8 months
socalimandingos: How do you like it so far
11:30 AM
rodrique benson: its not bad
rodrique benson: traffic too much
socalimandingos: lot of flash, not much substance lol
socalimandingos: what do you do for a living out here?
11:40 AM
socalimandingos: Still there?
11:45 AM
rodrique benson: so u participate in these things urself or just facilitate them?
socalimandingos: yep, gotta participate man. c'mon now
socalimandingos: what you do for a living out here in LA LA land
11:50 AM
rodrique benson: unemployed really
rodrique benson: working on some basketball stuff
socalimandingos: oh damn
socalimandingos: well, there's alot to do in LA man
socalimandingos: you can always try the acting route
socalimandingos: unless you dont have acting skills
socalimandingos: or you can try the corporate route.... lot of them jobs available
rodrique benson: how did u get into facilitating these things?
rodrique benson: sounds like a good job haha
socalimandingos: Started my freshman year at UCLA
socalimandingos: just some of the homies and some freaks we knew
socalimandingos: since then, the shit really done grew
11:55 AM
socalimandingos: you must be staying with family out here cause there's no way you can survive here without having a job lol
rodrique benson: my homies from ucla actually
socalimandingos: oh okay. that's cool.
socalimandingos: so you dont know if you're comfortable laying pipe on ladies in group situations? nothing some liquor cant help with lol
12:00 PM
socalimandingos: Have you ever heard of The Mandingo Club?
12:05 PM
rodrique benson: sounds familiar
socalimandingos: You got time right now so I can give you a run down?
rodrique benson: sure
socalimandingos: bet
socalimandingos: We host Private Upscale Interracial Swing Parties wherein Professional Couples, Ladies and Select-Brothas get together to network, socialize, and eventually indulge in their innermost fantasies. You'd be amazed my man, at how many sexy women out there just need to be in the right environment to unleash their 'inner freak'.
12:10 PM
socalimandingos: The parties are Members-Only. The membership base is made up of professionals from all walks of life-- Athletes, Entertainers, Adult Entertainers, High ranking Gov't/Law Officials, Corporate CEOs, Doctors, Lawyers, Cops. You name it, they're swinging my man! Basically people that have professional careers by day, who enjoy partying and having fun with like-minded people who share the same interests. Ultimately, we all get to live out our wildest fantasies.
socalimandingos: Still there?
12:15 PM
rodrique benson: yea i am
socalimandingos: ok, i'll continue
socalimandingos: I started the organization back in 1996 as a freshman at UCLA. Back then, it was merely a few friends and colleagues, having fun on Friday nights. Enjoying the company of ladies, and getting drunk. Typical college shit, ya know? Since then, things have blossomed into what it is today. We have chapters in Atlanta/Miami, NYC/NJ and here in Cali/Vegas.
12:25 PM
socalimandingos: The way the parties go, the Couples, Ladies and Brothas arrive at the party house. Everyone dressed to impress. The evening starts off with folks socializing, networking [Networking is a big aspect of these parties as we all have professional careers], drinking/smoking, basically getting to know each other. As the evening goes on, you begin to notice heavy sexual overtones- Ladies changing into lingerie, fellas eating pussy, ladies sucking cock. Before you know it, everyone is going at it, one wild orgy.
12:30 PM
socalimandingos: For the record, all the Ladies are Bi. All the Brothas are STRAIGHT. We don't get down with bi, gay or DL guys.... That's not our style, and that's even more a reason why we are a private organization.
socalimandingos: The parties take place in private homes of members throughout LA, OC, Vegas. The parties range in size-- Small and Large. Small parties tend to have about 4-6 people at most. These small parties tend to be what I start rookies off with (like yourself), so you can get your 'feet wet' and eventually work your way up to the bigger parties. The bigger parties tend to have between 20-25 people.
12:35 PM
socalimandingos: The parties never get larger than that, because we're not trying to create a 'sausage fest', if you know what I mean. I like to keep the ratio of ladies to men about even or at most 1:2. Parties are 2-3 times a month, on weekends.
socalimandingos: U still there?
rodrique benson: yea
socalimandingos: Did you read everything I wrote?
rodrique benson: yep
socalimandingos: Good.
SO yea, basically, I dont even have to say much to that. It just shows what I deal with regularly when it comes to myspace. I get people with crazy ideas all the time. I mean I still get the occasional friend request from a seemingly normal person:
and then I see that their page says this:
About me:
hi my name is shonda and i am a good person to hangout with.and i also like to do fun things like going out to the club and i also on here to meet me some new friends so i can chat with.and i also like to hang with my homegirls and homeboys when they be around.and for the ones that is hating on shonda can lick shonda ass.and for the are not hating on shonda send me a message.and do you know that i like to get my drink on and my smoke on.and what up hi yall doing.
Considering we have so much in common, how could I not want to be friends with her? Do I know that she like to get her drink on and her smoke on? No. Maybe I’m a hater for that. Maybe I should lick shonda a$$. Maybe I’ll send back a message like the one I got from this guy:
Subject: i can guess ur name
Body: KYLE
then 2 months later...
Subject: sup kyle
Body: wat u up 2
First a wrong guess, then a repeat performance. I just don’t have an answer for this. I REALLY didn’t have for the next girl either...
She sent me this:
u wack
So I sent back:
haha thats funny
She replied:
keep it movvin u hella fake
Then I said:
do i kno u? haha how can i keep it movin u dont even exist
Of course she answered:
leave me alone i kno u and u are fake and i dont get what tha hell i see in u stop writin me bye
I honestly don’t even know this girl. I’ve never met her or talked to her in my life, so why is she so hostile? Who knows? I think she must have me confused because this was her headline on her page:
Stop smiling at me, get that look off your face Please dont even front, stop being so fake I know you don't like me, yeah you've made it very clearYou always talkin' 'bout me from what I hear Always put me down when you thought that you could
??? Who knows? Maybe she has seen my funny myspace messages and is now trying to be crazy just to get on here like the girl who sent me this:
(I won’t show her photo, because I’m not really makin fun of her)
nice eyes wanna f*ck!!
thinking that this was myspace message gold, I sent her back:
you cant be serious
She then hit me back with:
im just playin with u...i just read ur blog on ur web site about all those people sending u myspace messages.
Damn, so close, but she actually got me I guess. I really wanted to use that. That wasn’t the only time...
This is from a different girl:
Subject: heyyyyyy
Body: So are you in Los Angeles or up north?? Whats up?
Honestly, it wasn’t a bad message and the girl didn’t look bad. She wasn’t odd or crazy. I didn’t even think twice about it. Then I got this the next day:
Subject: My Bad
Body: Long story short, I came accross your website today and found the part about Myspace Girls really funny. Then I remembered that I messaged you something stupid yesterday while I was really bored at work. It doesn't matter at all because I don't know you, but I'm just pretty embarassed that I presented myself as some unintelligent breezy looking for sweet lovin' on Myspace. Anyways, just wanted to say keep on' writing because you're great at it...
-Cindy
To me, the attempted retraction was funnier than anything she could have said, but I guess it was necessary.
I’ll leave this edition with this last bit. See this girl is really nice, and if she reads this, I hope she understands that I just couldn’t leave this last message alone...
Body: lol Hi Rod. My name is Chrissy; I am 27 yrs old from Vancouver Island, Canada. I just finished reading 1 of ur hilarious blogs about funny myspace messages! lol it was REEEALLY funny & entertaining; you really have quite a talent for comedic writing & i just had to message you to tell you how impressive you are lol. & you seem like a REEAALLY gr8 person & i like you & I want to add you as a myspace friend...lol
Thats one of the nicest things anyone has ever said. I mean wow, what a nice compliment. I didn’t respond because I was busy trying to win a D-League championship. It was then that I got like 3 more messages, one of which was this:
WOW! Ur REEEALLY an aWESOME person & ur VERY popular & every 1 LOVES you! lol You should be FAMOUS! lol You seem like a really gr8 guy, ur funny, smart, intelligent, witty, charismatic, well rounded, good head on ur shoulders & all that good stuff lol I'm really impressed with you! Do you have ANY flaws? lol Do you go to church? My Dad's name is Rod; Rodney actually; he has funny nick names Rooney & Roonster lol! You know what's really weird? I've never really met any black ppl b4; i live in sorta small town & there just wasn't any blacks here when i was growing up. So now i'm 27 & never met any blacks or had any black friends. Except for recently i met 2 at church lol they really nice ppl 1 is a young guy name Anthony who just married pretty white wife & now they just had an adorable baby...Anthony plays keybpoard for our church & he is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! You should see him HE TOTALLY ROCKS OUT On the keyboard! Alot of blacks came to our church last summer for Anthony's wedding..I like their energy! & i shook hands & met 1 really nice older black man who comes to our church sometimes. & that's about all my experience with black ppl I've had b4..i feel sad about that ..lol i hope i'm not giving you MORE material for ur blogs about funny myspace messages! LOL!
Cmon now girl, why did you have to send me this? What’s weirder than the fact that your dad’s nickname is “Roonster”? Oh yea, the fact that you’ve never met any black people. Except for those 2 at church. YOU LOVE THEIR ENERGY. Oh man. I’m glad you are meeting some solid black people, but coddamn this was one of the funniest things I’ve read in my life. You definitely DID give me more material, but don’t take it personally...if you like my blogs, you should see me on a keyboard.
You've Got to be Kidding Me
June/02/2007 11:23 AM Filed in: Random
Well, on my last night in Vegas, I was definitely over the club scene. I was too small time for the club the night before, and spent $40 just to get in. I made up my mind early on that last day that I would only go to bars that night. Nobody was gonna change my mind. I wanted to do something free, and I wanted to do something adventurous.
I figured I would hit 20 bars in 4 hours. I’d have a beer at every spot, check out the women and see if any were ready like spaghetti, and keep moving after a few minutes. The plan seemed flawless. “Billy” was gonna come with me and Renee was strongly considering joining in with me.
At about 8 P.M. I was ready to make my moves. Renee, “Jimmy”, “Billy”, and a few other people got a bottle of Ketel One and each had a few shots. It was then that I was informed that Jimmy convinced Billy to go with him to the clubs and Renee had decided to do the same. Basically what it meant was that I had to either join them, or make my moves on my own.
I took a couple more shots and alerted the room that I would indeed hit the bars on my own. We all agreed to meet up later, after the dust cleared. At about 8:45 we got into a limo (I still dont know who paid for it), and I told the driver to drop me off at a hotel with good bars, while everyone else went to the Hard Rock for some party that cost $100 for men and $50 for women (good decision not going there).
I got out of the limo and went right to the first bar I saw. I ordered a Miller Lite and began to look out for “stragglers”. Rod Benson’s 2007 Dictionary defines a “straggler” as any woman who has for some reason decided to have a small time night and kick it at a bar without male company. They often include girls who ditched their girl-friends that night. Anyways, no stragglers were found. After about ten minutes at the bar, I left and began walking to the next bar.
I went from bar, to bar, to bar, to bar, having a Miller Lite at every one. I would sometimes get a Grey Goose and Cranberry (Bill Simmons suggests that Red Bull is a more typical athlete drink, but he also suggests that one of us will die as a result, which is why I dont get them). I had reached about 10-12 bars and still had not seen any decent stragglers. At this point I was at Caesers Palace. There was a shuttle that made its way to the Palms every 10 minutes, so I decided to wait for it. It was at this point that I realized that I was beginning to cross that line. Either I was feeling the drinks or I was just feeling the griminess from 3 nights in Vegas.
I arrived at the Palms hotel and went looking for the first bar. As it turns out, the first bar I saw had like 6 bowling lanes inside of it as well. I thought to myself “You’re already here, might as well bowl a game.” It was about 12:30 at this point. Reports were coming in from my friends that Hard Rock line was too long and they weren’t trying to pay that $100 to get in. Good call on my part not partaking in their activities.
I bought a Miller Lite and one game on the lanes. I got to my lane, picked out a 14 LB. ball (dont act like you’re not impressed), and threw a strike right off the bat. The place was small, and I am 6’10” so I got a little attention already, but the strike turned a couple heads. Two girls behind me smiled when they saw the strike. I confidently picked my ball back up for my second throw. Gutter ball, dammit. I turned back to the girls who were now laughing at me. They had reason to, I guess.
I walked back towards the girls, and motioned for them to come bowl with me (it was a little loud for me to yell over the music). They both agreed and walked over. Stragglers, yes! They balls much lighter than mine (thats what she said), and began to bowl a couple of my frames. They were communicating via sign language because it was so loud, but it also meant that I couldn’t understand them. Whatever, I was tipsy anyways, I didn’t really care. I just hate secrets, and I hate when girls use secret non-verbal communication to talk around me.
At about frame number 7, I turned to the girls and said over the music “So, whats up with you guys?” It was a simple enough question. Not too forward at all.. I’m good at this sort of thing. However, they didn’t answer me. I said it a little louder, because it was hell of loud in there. they looked at me dumbfounded. I yelled it this time. “WHATS UP WITH YOU GUYS?!”
They looked at me, then turned back to each other and starting doing more sign language. Coddamn secrets! I wish I knew sign, then I wouldn’t have to yell. Just then, I noticed something.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said aloud. “There’s a coddamn hearing aid in this girls ear.” I yelled out something else, loud as I could. Everyone in the bar turned and looked at me -- except them. Of course, these girls were DEAF! I had literally just spent 45 minutes bowling with these girls and only now had I realized that all that sign language was more than secret girl talk. They were deaf girls. Sweet, actually, awesome choice I made right there. They then big timed me. “We have to go,” they said. I make that sound to good. They definitely used “deaf talk” where it sounds like they were losing a game of chubby bunny. To be honest, they spoke better than I would expect for being def. But still, they big timed me and left.
I bowled my final couple frames and left. The rest of the night was irrelevant. Yea, I gave my card to a couple hostesses and whatnot, but I couldn’t get the deaf girls out of my mind. How could I have not known? How could they big time ME? I mean how many pro ballers invite them to bowl a game? I left Las Vegas the next morning feeling very insignificant. I guess I’m a big fish in certain small ponds, but in Vegas, I’m a small fish in a big pond. So small, in fact, that even the deaf girls are bigger. I guess that’s how it goes.
I figured I would hit 20 bars in 4 hours. I’d have a beer at every spot, check out the women and see if any were ready like spaghetti, and keep moving after a few minutes. The plan seemed flawless. “Billy” was gonna come with me and Renee was strongly considering joining in with me.
At about 8 P.M. I was ready to make my moves. Renee, “Jimmy”, “Billy”, and a few other people got a bottle of Ketel One and each had a few shots. It was then that I was informed that Jimmy convinced Billy to go with him to the clubs and Renee had decided to do the same. Basically what it meant was that I had to either join them, or make my moves on my own.
I took a couple more shots and alerted the room that I would indeed hit the bars on my own. We all agreed to meet up later, after the dust cleared. At about 8:45 we got into a limo (I still dont know who paid for it), and I told the driver to drop me off at a hotel with good bars, while everyone else went to the Hard Rock for some party that cost $100 for men and $50 for women (good decision not going there).
I got out of the limo and went right to the first bar I saw. I ordered a Miller Lite and began to look out for “stragglers”. Rod Benson’s 2007 Dictionary defines a “straggler” as any woman who has for some reason decided to have a small time night and kick it at a bar without male company. They often include girls who ditched their girl-friends that night. Anyways, no stragglers were found. After about ten minutes at the bar, I left and began walking to the next bar.
I went from bar, to bar, to bar, to bar, having a Miller Lite at every one. I would sometimes get a Grey Goose and Cranberry (Bill Simmons suggests that Red Bull is a more typical athlete drink, but he also suggests that one of us will die as a result, which is why I dont get them). I had reached about 10-12 bars and still had not seen any decent stragglers. At this point I was at Caesers Palace. There was a shuttle that made its way to the Palms every 10 minutes, so I decided to wait for it. It was at this point that I realized that I was beginning to cross that line. Either I was feeling the drinks or I was just feeling the griminess from 3 nights in Vegas.
I arrived at the Palms hotel and went looking for the first bar. As it turns out, the first bar I saw had like 6 bowling lanes inside of it as well. I thought to myself “You’re already here, might as well bowl a game.” It was about 12:30 at this point. Reports were coming in from my friends that Hard Rock line was too long and they weren’t trying to pay that $100 to get in. Good call on my part not partaking in their activities.
I bought a Miller Lite and one game on the lanes. I got to my lane, picked out a 14 LB. ball (dont act like you’re not impressed), and threw a strike right off the bat. The place was small, and I am 6’10” so I got a little attention already, but the strike turned a couple heads. Two girls behind me smiled when they saw the strike. I confidently picked my ball back up for my second throw. Gutter ball, dammit. I turned back to the girls who were now laughing at me. They had reason to, I guess.
I walked back towards the girls, and motioned for them to come bowl with me (it was a little loud for me to yell over the music). They both agreed and walked over. Stragglers, yes! They balls much lighter than mine (thats what she said), and began to bowl a couple of my frames. They were communicating via sign language because it was so loud, but it also meant that I couldn’t understand them. Whatever, I was tipsy anyways, I didn’t really care. I just hate secrets, and I hate when girls use secret non-verbal communication to talk around me.
At about frame number 7, I turned to the girls and said over the music “So, whats up with you guys?” It was a simple enough question. Not too forward at all.. I’m good at this sort of thing. However, they didn’t answer me. I said it a little louder, because it was hell of loud in there. they looked at me dumbfounded. I yelled it this time. “WHATS UP WITH YOU GUYS?!”
They looked at me, then turned back to each other and starting doing more sign language. Coddamn secrets! I wish I knew sign, then I wouldn’t have to yell. Just then, I noticed something.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said aloud. “There’s a coddamn hearing aid in this girls ear.” I yelled out something else, loud as I could. Everyone in the bar turned and looked at me -- except them. Of course, these girls were DEAF! I had literally just spent 45 minutes bowling with these girls and only now had I realized that all that sign language was more than secret girl talk. They were deaf girls. Sweet, actually, awesome choice I made right there. They then big timed me. “We have to go,” they said. I make that sound to good. They definitely used “deaf talk” where it sounds like they were losing a game of chubby bunny. To be honest, they spoke better than I would expect for being def. But still, they big timed me and left.
I bowled my final couple frames and left. The rest of the night was irrelevant. Yea, I gave my card to a couple hostesses and whatnot, but I couldn’t get the deaf girls out of my mind. How could I have not known? How could they big time ME? I mean how many pro ballers invite them to bowl a game? I left Las Vegas the next morning feeling very insignificant. I guess I’m a big fish in certain small ponds, but in Vegas, I’m a small fish in a big pond. So small, in fact, that even the deaf girls are bigger. I guess that’s how it goes.
I'm Not Big Time (Vegas Part 1)
June/02/2007 11:22 AM Filed in: Random
Las Vegas, it’s just one of those places. It just happens to be the place that I spent memorial weekend. As you probably already already know, I’m and energetic guy and Las Vegas brings a lot of energy itself, so when combined, the effects can be explosive. At least I felt that I was in store for an explosive weekend when I stepped off the plane. I now feel like I wrong. I’m just not big time enough to really have the kind of time I would like to have when I become official. Why do I feel this way? Because of nights like these....
The names have been changed to protect the guilty...
The second night I was there, my boy “Jimmy” suggested that we go to club PURE. Supposedly it was going to be a big time event because it was Rampage Jackson’s after party (I found out later that he won his fight, helping build the hype for the night). Jimmy, “Billy”, and I got to the club at 9:30 P.M. and the line was already like 1,000 people long. I was not trying to wait that long to get into this place.
I walked up to the front of the line and asked the guy how long it would be before we got in. He let me know that it would take about 2-2.5 hours to get to the front, and that it would cost $40 when we got there (our bootleg free passes meant nothin). As I was walking back to our group, a guy near the front yells out “Haha! You tried that basketball B.S. to try to get V.I.P. and that sh*t didn’t work!”
I turned around and looked at this guy. He was with a crew of about 6 guys who all seemed to share his sentiments, because they were all laughing at me. The amount of disrespect was unbelievable. I mean basically those were fightin words. I turned and looked back at my crew. Jimmy and Billy were no fighters, and let’s face it, neither am I, really. So I decided to let them have their fun.
I returned to our spot in line. Jimmy said that he would wait in line while Billy and I went to the liquor store because Billy and I are not those guys who can afford to pay $13 per drink.
We got our fill at the liquor store and met back up with Jimmy. We finally got in at 11 (an hour ahead of projections), and it was already absolutely packed. It was actually pretty uncomfortable. I kept trying to get space, but there was none to be had. There was plenty of space, however, in the VIP section. It was elevated by about 4 feet so that all the beautiful celebrities could look down on us.
Wilmer Valderamma took the mic and started saying a ton of things that I couldn’t understand. Then he started calling out the names of all the celebs in attendance: Adam Sandler, Kim Kardashian, Mandy Moore, Rampage Jackson, etc. Rod Benson stood below and watched all these people toast their drinks and talk their talk, while he was stuck down with the common folk, overly crowed, being asked how tall he was every 8 seconds.
I got asked if I played basketball so many times that I began saying that I didn’t, so that I wouldn’t have to explain for what team, then explain what the D-League is, then see the disappointment on their faces. One guy says to me “How tall are you? I know you play basketball!” I respond with “No, I don’t. Sorry.” Then he has the nerve to say “Wow, that’s just a waste of height. That sucks.” I, being far too annoyed at this point to give a damn, say “That’s interesting. There are kids dying of leukemia everyday, and you’re wasting this healthy body by talking too much. That sucks.” I walked away after that.
It was then that I wanted to leave. I already knew everyone was thinking “Wow, this guy is so tall, he must be in the N.B.A.! But why isn’t he up there with them? He must not be any good at all, actually.” I asked Billy if he wanted to leave, he said he did, because it was too crowded for him too. Jimmy had already left with a young lady, so we didnt have to worry about him.
Billy and I arrived at the same liquor store for the second time that night. Since I decided that we were pretty much losers at this point, Billy decided to buy a whole fifth. “No way are we coming back here for a third time! No way bro,” he said to me,”I’m gettin the fifth this time.”
We sat back in an alley and starting drinking and talking about how lame we were. The beautiful celebrities were still at the hottest club in Vegas, while we were in the loading dock area of Bally’s by ourselves. We decided that, even though we were lame, and losers, that we could still salvage the night, even though it was already 1:20 A.M. That’s when Billy went to work on the bottle. His tolerance is nowhere near mine, but he didn’t seem to care. These photos represent what followed (the exact reason why I changed his name):
Halfway thru the bottle...
Starting to feel himself a little too much....
Falling down, Del Taco Lemonade goes everywhere
Why get up? Just go ahead and make a phone call while laying in the middle of the sidewalk...
Well as you can see, he was getting progressively worse. When we got back to the hotel (4 A.M.), he was still in high spirits. Some of our other friends were already there waiting for us at the bar. We met some girls and began to talk.
As you can see, I’m still fine, but Billy is DRUNK. Well, we sat down with these girls. Billy was talking to the one on the right (his left). While in the middle of a sentence, he puts his head down and starts throwing up between his legs. The girl says “Wow, how rude.” But Billy does not respond. He literally just sits there with his head down, motionless.
I tell my friend Renee not the go to him just yet, so that we dont cause a scene. Nobody has seen him yet, so I let him sit there for a few more seconds, then Renee and I carry him to the elevator. He drags his feet the whole time. When we get him to our floor, he literally refuses to go any further and makes his body heavy to stop us from carrying him.
I actually had to grab him by one arm and drag him 40 yards through the luxor hotel because he wouldnt move his body. It was funny because he was trying to stop me, but he couldnt. He just kept saying “Rod, wait wait wait. Stop, wait. Hold up hold up.” Then I’d say “What the hell do you wanna stop for?” Then he’d reply “I dont know, just stop.”
It took me almost 2 hours to drag him from the bar to his bed. When he got into bed he just kept saying “No0o0o0o! No0o0o00o! No0o0o0o0o!” Who knows why? All I know is that Billy made his mark that night. Actually he literally left throw up marks in about 7 different spots in the hotel. Had we been big time, this wouldnt have happened. We would sipped casually with beautiful celebrities. I guess we’ll just have to wait until I get that contract
The names have been changed to protect the guilty...
The second night I was there, my boy “Jimmy” suggested that we go to club PURE. Supposedly it was going to be a big time event because it was Rampage Jackson’s after party (I found out later that he won his fight, helping build the hype for the night). Jimmy, “Billy”, and I got to the club at 9:30 P.M. and the line was already like 1,000 people long. I was not trying to wait that long to get into this place.
I walked up to the front of the line and asked the guy how long it would be before we got in. He let me know that it would take about 2-2.5 hours to get to the front, and that it would cost $40 when we got there (our bootleg free passes meant nothin). As I was walking back to our group, a guy near the front yells out “Haha! You tried that basketball B.S. to try to get V.I.P. and that sh*t didn’t work!”
I turned around and looked at this guy. He was with a crew of about 6 guys who all seemed to share his sentiments, because they were all laughing at me. The amount of disrespect was unbelievable. I mean basically those were fightin words. I turned and looked back at my crew. Jimmy and Billy were no fighters, and let’s face it, neither am I, really. So I decided to let them have their fun.
I returned to our spot in line. Jimmy said that he would wait in line while Billy and I went to the liquor store because Billy and I are not those guys who can afford to pay $13 per drink.
We got our fill at the liquor store and met back up with Jimmy. We finally got in at 11 (an hour ahead of projections), and it was already absolutely packed. It was actually pretty uncomfortable. I kept trying to get space, but there was none to be had. There was plenty of space, however, in the VIP section. It was elevated by about 4 feet so that all the beautiful celebrities could look down on us.
Wilmer Valderamma took the mic and started saying a ton of things that I couldn’t understand. Then he started calling out the names of all the celebs in attendance: Adam Sandler, Kim Kardashian, Mandy Moore, Rampage Jackson, etc. Rod Benson stood below and watched all these people toast their drinks and talk their talk, while he was stuck down with the common folk, overly crowed, being asked how tall he was every 8 seconds.
I got asked if I played basketball so many times that I began saying that I didn’t, so that I wouldn’t have to explain for what team, then explain what the D-League is, then see the disappointment on their faces. One guy says to me “How tall are you? I know you play basketball!” I respond with “No, I don’t. Sorry.” Then he has the nerve to say “Wow, that’s just a waste of height. That sucks.” I, being far too annoyed at this point to give a damn, say “That’s interesting. There are kids dying of leukemia everyday, and you’re wasting this healthy body by talking too much. That sucks.” I walked away after that.
It was then that I wanted to leave. I already knew everyone was thinking “Wow, this guy is so tall, he must be in the N.B.A.! But why isn’t he up there with them? He must not be any good at all, actually.” I asked Billy if he wanted to leave, he said he did, because it was too crowded for him too. Jimmy had already left with a young lady, so we didnt have to worry about him.
Billy and I arrived at the same liquor store for the second time that night. Since I decided that we were pretty much losers at this point, Billy decided to buy a whole fifth. “No way are we coming back here for a third time! No way bro,” he said to me,”I’m gettin the fifth this time.”
We sat back in an alley and starting drinking and talking about how lame we were. The beautiful celebrities were still at the hottest club in Vegas, while we were in the loading dock area of Bally’s by ourselves. We decided that, even though we were lame, and losers, that we could still salvage the night, even though it was already 1:20 A.M. That’s when Billy went to work on the bottle. His tolerance is nowhere near mine, but he didn’t seem to care. These photos represent what followed (the exact reason why I changed his name):
Halfway thru the bottle...
Starting to feel himself a little too much....
Falling down, Del Taco Lemonade goes everywhere
Why get up? Just go ahead and make a phone call while laying in the middle of the sidewalk...
Well as you can see, he was getting progressively worse. When we got back to the hotel (4 A.M.), he was still in high spirits. Some of our other friends were already there waiting for us at the bar. We met some girls and began to talk.
As you can see, I’m still fine, but Billy is DRUNK. Well, we sat down with these girls. Billy was talking to the one on the right (his left). While in the middle of a sentence, he puts his head down and starts throwing up between his legs. The girl says “Wow, how rude.” But Billy does not respond. He literally just sits there with his head down, motionless.
I tell my friend Renee not the go to him just yet, so that we dont cause a scene. Nobody has seen him yet, so I let him sit there for a few more seconds, then Renee and I carry him to the elevator. He drags his feet the whole time. When we get him to our floor, he literally refuses to go any further and makes his body heavy to stop us from carrying him.
I actually had to grab him by one arm and drag him 40 yards through the luxor hotel because he wouldnt move his body. It was funny because he was trying to stop me, but he couldnt. He just kept saying “Rod, wait wait wait. Stop, wait. Hold up hold up.” Then I’d say “What the hell do you wanna stop for?” Then he’d reply “I dont know, just stop.”
It took me almost 2 hours to drag him from the bar to his bed. When he got into bed he just kept saying “No0o0o0o! No0o0o00o! No0o0o0o0o!” Who knows why? All I know is that Billy made his mark that night. Actually he literally left throw up marks in about 7 different spots in the hotel. Had we been big time, this wouldnt have happened. We would sipped casually with beautiful celebrities. I guess we’ll just have to wait until I get that contract