My first weekend in Hollywood, I was with Mike and John (in case you havent guessed by now, they are definitely my L.A. crew) and we were kickin it at Rand’s house in downtown. I literally went there straight off the plane, met Rand and John, and then went out with them in the wood.

Fey mentioned that we were gonna go to some spot I had never heard of, but I was cool with it because I understand that he always knows what’s up down there. John seemed pretty hyped about it and Rand was more or less along for the ride like me.

Fey and John mentioned that some girls they knew would be filming for their reality show or something like that while we were there, so I was kind of weary about partying on TV, but then I realized that any Boom Tho video pretty much has the same things. These girls had their own blog or something called hot and retarded I warmed up to the idea by the time we arrive.

It was a little spot, kind of tucked away close to an alley way right off the Highland exit of 101 (that only means something to the Hollywood people, I guess). It was actually suspiciously small. When we walked in, it seemed too small to house that many folks, but I’ve been to places like Hyde and that’s pretty small too, but never lacking in Boom-Tho-Ness. We get settled at the far end of the place and quickly decide (since the place is still empty) that we want to get bottle service.

Two bottles, 4 dudes, it seemed all good. We got our party started on our end of this small place. After a few minutes, a couple of girls walk in with bright camera lights following them. Since there were only ten people there, this event caused an obvious scene. John walked over to them to talk about who-knows-what and soon he was back with us, saying that we should head over to them because they needed it to look like the party was crackin for TV purposes.

We all headed over to the other side of the room where there were two dudes none of us knew, and three girls that Mike and John knew. I sat there and played the part. Soon, though, I got over it and went back to my table, but not before snapping this picture with the two ‘TV’ girls:



I know what you’re thinking: damn that Rod Benson is hella Boom Tho! I know. I can’t argue, but this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Soon after I returned to the table, Mike, John, Rand, and the girls came over. Before I knew it, our two bottles were gone. Nothing wrong with that. The night was progressing just like many other before. Those dudes we didn’t know came over to our table before it was all said and done and I kept to myself mostly, besides my usual “Dance Off” quality moves.

All of a sudden it was closing time. We were the first to arrive and the last to leave, it seemed. Now we were signing off on our check and about to be on our way, but there was a problem.

Our bill had 3 bottles charged to it when we had only consumed two. It was quickly worked out that those two guys we didn’t know had charged one to our table, promised to pay for it, and left. Very classy.

Well the extra 500 had to come from someone. We all turned at looked at these two girls, not because they owed us 500, but because they knew and had invited these dudes. We needed some answers. Problem was, they failed to provide any... At all.

Before we knew it, security was hounding us for the money and we were in the kitchen. All of us were there, including team Hot and Retarded. They said that the money wasn’t their responsibility because they didn’t know the guys. Mike, who’s card was down, was starting to get angry. I told him that I would be the jerk tonight.

I came at the girls hard. I told them that we didn’t know them either (even though they DEFINITELY knew these guys) and that since we all partied together that we should all chip in equally. Security asked that I leave them alone. I asked why. Just because they were female didn’t mean that they weren’t involved and that their money isn’t green.

One of the girls, sensing that I was not about to let this go, started to take a crying tone. She asked that we just leave them alone because they had no money, but that she could give us the guys phone number. That was a good start. The other girl, the one in the right of the pic above, was way more combative. She kept arguing that they didn’t owe anything. That’s when I let her have it.

I told her that no amount of breast implants work double time as brain implants and that she just looked stupid. I then told her that she would pay for this somehow, eventually.

While I was in the middle of berating her, she took off. I had to help Mike work out the bill and then we were off, looking for her. Couldn’t find her anywhere. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find John either.

Come to find out that John is at Mels with her! I guess he was talking to her the whole time. WTF?

We smash over to Mels and I run in. I can’t find either of them. I look in both bathrooms, furious. Still nothing. All of a sudden John’s walkin back towards the car. I’m kinda mad at him but I’m looking for this Spring Break breezy. I don’t call her spring break cuz she’s wild, but because there’s no class.

I can’t find her anywhere. We jump in the car and begin to drive away. I then see her walking out, with 4 new dudes, wearing Johns brand new $150 shirt over her dress. It’s too late to do anything.

I guess I should thank her because she got John, who needed to be got for his actions, and she quickly introduced me to Hollywood’s legal prostitution. Drinks and partying will be on you, no matter what. As long as you’re “Hot and Retarded,” the sky’s the limit in the city of angels. But, I will get the last laugh. Well, maybe you’ll help me. Visit their site, and tell Annie Wonderlich (she’s on FB, too) that she can “Wonderlich my balls.” Thanks Hansel for that.

Oh and I guess they should be called “Broke and Retarded” because they have a DONATIONS page on their blog. How far do they really think they can get, being a group of 7’s? Not even dimes! Coddamn!